Basso, Schlecks, and Wiggins Blame Tainted Water for Performance Issues

With the safety and purity of our global food supply being brought into question by the current Contador Clenbuterol tainting case before CAS, several top cyclists appeared jointly at a press conference recently to highlight this issue. Former Giro d’Italia winner Ivan Basso, Tour de France runners-up Fränk and Andy Schleck, and British moper Bradley Wiggins spoke to the media Saturday to collectively criticize the pollution of the world’s water supplies by corporate cartels.

In this this photo provided by PhotoSport International, Ivan Basso leads Andy Schleck, Cadel Evans and Thomas Voeckler at the Tour de France. (Thanks to RedKitePrayer.com for sourcing the photo)

Backed by research from water.org founders Matt Damon and Gary White, the four giants of cycling cited statistics showing that more than 80% of the untreated sewage in developing countries is being directly discharged into rivers, lakes and coastal areas, polluting precious water supplies.

In addition to the sewage problem, heavy metals pollution is another chief contributor to the demise of the world’s water sources. “One of the most damaging pollutants in our water supply is lead, and the fact that many pipes in first world nations prior to 1986 were built with lead means that we have a huge problem with contamination, not to mention the use of lead in a variety of industrial applications that taint our water supply.” declared Damon.” The fact that these four cycling greats may have inadvertantly ingested copious amounts of lead could contribute to performance issues in their chosen sport.”

The Schleck brothers presented supporting research of their lead ingestion, which they feel has been directly responsible for their inability to descend in races at a rate comparable to others in the sport.

“We have lead bottoms as a result of years of ingesting lead-tainted water, and we’re very unhappy about the fact that our government agencies are unwilling to protect us against this corporate conspiracy. Our descents are slow due to the lead content of our bodies. When someone accuses us of having lead in our asses, it is true,” stated a subdued Frank Schleck, speaking on behalf of his brother, Andy.

Bradley Wiggins feels that the lead content in the water supply has led to his sullen behavior. “Lead causes depression. It’s a proven fact. My behavior and actions towards the press are due to my ingestion of lead. No other reason is applicable,” declared Wiggins, rather indifferently.

Basso also cited lead contamination as the reason for his short attention span at any race other than the Giro d’Italia, stating that high lead content in water outside of his native Italy was cause for his sub-par performances beyond the borders of his home country.

As part of their efforts to help clean up the peloton’s tainted water supplies, the Schleck brothers have announced a minority partnership in a new business venture whose products will include a Brita-style filtration system, along with a Camelbak-style chest pack for the professional peloton and casual riders alike. Fränk Schleck has already experimented with a prototype system during several races this past year, provoking the ire of the UCI, who, upon being informed of the project, failed to sanction the rider. The business entity, fronted by an unnamed Dubai-based business consortium, is rumored to be targeting a launch to coincide with the first WorldTour race of the 2011 calendar.