Former multiple King of the Mountains winner Richard Virenque held a press conference in Paris today to announce his return to professional cycling at age 43 with Team SaxoBank-Sungard.
“With new technology at my disposal, coupled with my rockstar good looks, this peloton is ripe for the picking. I firmly believe that if Lance Armstrong can succeed with ‘Comeback 3.0′ in triathlons, there’s no reason why I can’t give it a go again,” declared an emphatic Virenque.
He continued,”I’m thrilled that medical advancements have made enhancing your performance by natural chemical means so much easier than when EPO was in its heyday. No more vampires, no more messy transfusions, and no more positive tests. After all, if it mimics a substance that the body already produces, why should it be illegal?”
Team manager Bjarne Riis was happy to welcome Virenque back to the ranks of professional cycling.
“Richard has demonstrated to me that with assistance from our medical team, he can compete with the athletes of today. With the recent challenges to our roster, he is a welcome addition and a known champion,” stated Riis.
When pressed on what medical advancements would allow him to compete at the professional level, Virenque was open and honest, a trademark from his Festina days, “Haven’t you all heard about AICAR yet? I mean, all the top dogs at the top teams are using it and WADA can’t detect it, even though they are still trying to screen for the stuff. It’s increased my endurance by 44 percent, and that’s ALL my endurance, including in the bedroom, right ladies?”
Riis attempted to downplay Virenque’s comments by stating, “If you can have Coca-Cola and coffee, why not AICAR? It is the UCI and WADA’s double standard. Politics are destroying our sport. But I can’t concern myself with that. I have a team to run, and I have riders to care for that have sworn their allegiance to my life philosophy.”
Noted WADA consultant and anti-doping expert Michael Ashenden offered his two cents,”Sport governing bodies are a joke. I’m going kayaking.”
The former seven-time King of the Mountains winner will be targeting the overall at the Tour de France, since, as he declared, “The Mod (Brad Wiggins), the Chin (Cadel Evans), and the Softie Twins (Schlecks) are no match for my manhood. It’s going to be a great Tour. Mark my words.”
Virenque must pass two team physicals and will be available for autograph signing at Club Man Ray this Saturday, and will be joined by club co-owner Johnny Depp for a few song and dance numbers.