In a move that has surprised all in the cycling world, the Rothschild Group has abandoned their joint venture with Freud Communications and the Gifted Group for a much-discussed “breakaway league” comprising 14 professional teams – in favor of a union with the Roman Catholic Church.
“We felt that because of the lack of professionalism exuded by this motley cast of characters in cycling – the AIGCP, the UCI, the Gifted Group, certain team owners, and existing sponsors – it was time to partner with an organization that values secrecy and discretion. We’re proud to announce our alliance with the Roman Catholic Church to spread the gospel of cycling,” declared a reserved David de Rothschild, chairman of the Rothschild Group.
While Rothschild went to great verbal lengths to outline his reasoning for the shift in direction, Freud Communications prepared a Cliff Notes version for the benefit of the press. The details of Rothschild’s grievances with their former partners were as follows:
- Premature discussions with race organizers
- Discussions with non-partner organizations leading to leaks
- Public conversations in social media platforms with the “unwashed masses”
- Confrontational approach to the governing agencies, potentially leading to civil war
- Alienation of potential sponsors due to the inclusion of key individuals with dubious connections
Freud went on to discuss the strategic merits of a partnership with the Vatican. “In these dark times, a return to our spiritual roots is an important step to save humanity from itself. We feel that a union between private enterprise, modern medical techniques, our spiritual id, a discerning fan base, and a compliant pool of athletes makes for a new pentaverate of possibilities,” relayed Freud.
Rothschild feels that the partnership would eliminate the corruption and collusion that exists in the sport today.
“The Church will function as a superior entity to oversee the sport, instead of governing bodies that operate on a for-profit basis. The private enterprise end of the operation will be led by the Rothschild Group, to ensure existing race organizers are included the new hierarchy,” stated Rothschild. “However, the governing body oversight of the UCI will be redirected to fall under the umbrella of the Church. Now, they will have to answer to the ultimate authority of right and wrong.”
Rothschild concluded the press conference by stating his desire to desire to continue their proven track record of influence in F1 and soccer, first to cycling, and then beyond to other sport on other continents in 2015 and beyond.
“We cannot think of a better partner than the most influential religious institution on the planet to help us achieve our aims in the pursuit of a higher consciousness in all sports.”
UCI President Pat McQuaid was non-committal regarding the new development. “We’ll see how this transpires. I look forward to meeting with the Pope to discuss his vision on their proposed role for the UCI.”
Jonathan Vaughters, a former partner in the original breakaway league, was confused by the announcement. “Hey! I was told to share the information, I don’t understand what just happened.”
William Fotheringham, cycling pundit, facial hair advocate, and website logo owner, offered his analysis on the proposal, “I stopped caring about pro cycling two weeks ago.”
Beyond the limited details in the presentation from Freud Communications, the only additional information that was released by Rothschild today was the new name for cycling, Pentaverate Cycling. Rothschild also stated that there were plans for all disciplines in the sport, to be released at a later date.