Just one week after the release of the bombshell doping report by USADA, former age-group swimmer Lance Armstrong found his empire as a paid product spokesmodel crumbling when he lost 90% of his sponsorship portfolio in one day. To add insult to injury, Armstrong was today hit with another bombshell when he learned that his passport had been revoked.
At a press conference on October 18th, Sufferlandrian National Team Director Sportif Grunter Von Agony explained the punitive action to revoke Armstrong’s citizenship, outlining the Federation’s stance on doping in response to the staggering revelations of widespread doping in the peloton.
“Take drugs? Very, very un-Sufferlandrian of you. Citizenship stripped. Send back your passport. The Minions will bury it after Chamois Dancing on it,” stated Von Agony.
Von Agony continued to speak specifically about the Armstrong situation.
“Yes, we had granted citizenship status to Armstrong. And yes, he had exercised his rights and privileges as a citizen on a number of occasions. But based upon the release of mountains of evidence, we now know Armstrong did not follow the ideals espoused in our citizenship statement, ‘NOTHING MUST DULL THE SUFFERING.’ Accordingly, we have stripped Armstrong’s Sufferlandrian citizenship, we have asked for the return of his passport, and the minions are stretching. They’re warming up for Chamois Dancing,” declared a stern Von Agony.
Several pundits found the move by the Sufferlandrian Federation “shocking, jaw dropping, and very unpleasant.” However, noted Sufferfest adherent Neil Browne pulled no punches in his assessment.
“Armstrong is a disgrace to the nation of Sufferlandria. He could be subjected to a flogging with the steel-tipped Sufferlandria flag of punishment, but that method is mainly used for enjoyment purposes by Sufferlandrian citizens. So maybe not. I’ll say this once and own it, I’m proud that Von Agony revoked the dude’s citizenship,” stated Browne.
The timing of the announcement came at an opportune moment for Sufferlandria, occurring just prior to the release of their latest ode to suffering, There is No Try, which is scheduled to inflict maximum damage on October 23rd.
“It’s fortunate that we had the chance to react to this brewing scandal and head off any potential damage to our nation from Armstrong. We are all grateful to be able to protect the rights of all citizens of Sufferlandria,” commented Von Agony.
However not everyone was pleased with the latest severed relationship for the once-mighty champion. Armstrong’s extremely well-compensated attorney Tim Herman spoke out sharply, rebuking the nation The Sufferfest calls home.
“This action by the nation of Sufferlandria is completely and totally #unconstitutional. We will be filing a complaint with Sufferlandria immigration services. Armstrong is willing to subject himself to a lie-detector test at the hands of the Sufferlandria Office of Public Safety. He will swear an oath to the flag of Sufferlandria. This action infringes on Armstrong’s rights as a citizen of the nation,” commented Herman.
The final words on the subject, however, went to Von Agony.
“Too bad. So Sad. His passport is revoked,” concluded the Sufferlandrian National Team Director Sportif.