Dear Parents and Children
It has come to my attention that a certain former pupil at Sprocket High has been in trouble with the police recently.
Some of you will no doubt have already heard the news, and as there are many rumours doing the rounds, I shall try my best to update all of you on the situation and clarify matters.
As many of you well know, Master Lawrence Armstrong and his friends were arrested by the police for being very naughty boys quite a while ago now. The police eventually decided not to prosecute with heavy fines and jail time, but instead gave all their evidence to head of Chemistry (and Law studies), Professor Tygart. Some of that evidence included statements by previous friends of Master Armstrong: Masters Hamilton, Vaughters, Vande Velde, Hincapie, and Leipheimer. Initially I thought it was all a load of nonsense, but I have since changed my mind.
It turns out that despite the efforts of our very best hall monitors, Master Armstrong was found to be dealing drugs, bullying pupils, and cheated on every school Sports Day that he ever took part in. He was a model student and certainly one of our favourite and most respected pupils, and I for one am very surprised and disheartened by all of this news. We have reluctantly decided to punish him with the full force of the school’s powers. That means we have removed his name as head boy from the plaque in the school dining room, removed his name from all of the school trophies, and told him that he could never come back to school again, even though he graduated 3 years ago.
As headmaster I decided to symbolically shred the picture I had of him and me together (along with some other unrelated papers) as soon as I heard the news at 3am three days ago.
I can assure all parents that this is an isolated incident that happened a long long time ago and everything is fine now. Definitely.
Cordially,
Headmaster McQuaid
p.s. Also, please don’t permit the bullying of the former friends of Master Armstrong, they are very brave for telling the police everything they know under threat of jail time.
1 Comment
LMFAO