In a surprise announcement at the Olympic Velodrome Tuesday, GB cycling guru David Brailsford declared to the press in VeloVillage that he would be assuming the reins of the British Olympic Association after the games.
“Look, I’ve ticked off all the boxes with cycling, and with my massively successful plan that began as my dream of world cycling domination in 2008 while chain-smoking with my mates behind the old Hacienda in Manchester has been realised,” stated a chain-smoking Brailsford, standing beside a cooking goat rotating over a fire. “I will be honoured to tick off the boxes for the entire athletics programme for the United Kingdom.”
In a year that saw the GB cycling professional program, known in the two-wheeled world as Team Sky, take almost every single race while the Olympic team has taken almost every available cycling medal on and off the track, Brailsford was satisfied.
“I am looking forward to applying my trademarked program, ‘Marginal Gains by David Brailsford’ to the rest of the GB athletics program, starting with women’s beach volleyball,” declared Brailsford.
Officials from BOA refused to comment or speculate on the development, other than to state that it was hard to argue with Brailsford’s success with the cycling program, and with the renewed emphasis on winning medals and luring big ticket sponsors, Brailsford’s presidency was a natural fit.
When asked if he had any grander plans beyond athletics considering his raging success, Brailsford was rather candid.
“I think my ‘Marginal Gains by David Brailsford’ could be the tonic to save us from our economic crisis. I also think it could save Europe, as well as the world. I’m not opposed to considering a run as prime minister for the good of the country,” concluded Brailsford.
Pundits across Great Britain heralded the potential move, including noted cycling journalist Matt Rendell.
“Fabulous is the news. Outstanding developments for England as a country if Brailsford were to take the helm of the BOA, and even the government. I’d back a Brailsford for PM campaign as long as he’d allow me to write the book,” noted Rendell.
Noted French superstar Gregory Bauge was less than enthused when told of the news.
“Brailsford is the bane of my existence. Between those amazing performances which beat my previously unblemished record, and the mystery behind the wheels, I can only imagine what sort of dark arts Brailsford would conjure up if he were granted more power. Next we’ll have Brad Wiggins winning the 100 metres at the 2016 Olympics in Rio, and Sir Chris Hoy winning the marathon,” mused Bauge.
BOA has issued notice of a press conference for the day after the closing ceremonies. No word as of yet to the agenda or the details of the press conference.