Team Sky principal and Dr. Evil doppelganger David Brailsford unveiled his plans today to turn Box Hill into a monument to Team Sky and Brad Wiggins, to forever document the historic events of 2012.
“We have purchased the rights to the Box Hill National Trust in order to create a monument to Brad Wiggins and the Team Sky domestiques, thus combining the team’s historic achievements with our desire to preserve an environment. The world will have the ability to bask in the glow of our accomplishments for eons to come,” declared Brailsford at a press conference set up at the McDonald’s in the Olympic Village.
Plans include an 8-metre fence circumnavigating the entire preserve to ensure a pristine environment for nature to grow in its natural surroundings. Team Sky has also hired noted botanists Roger and Alison Heath to determine proper designations of plants in the Box Hill region and rename them after various members of the Wiggins and Brailsford families.
In order to ensure the integrity of the National Trust, those wishing to cycle, walk, or picnic in the Box Hill preserve will be required to pay an admission fee of £20 per person. The fee, however, will also grant a membership in the Team Sky fan club, news on SkyRides, and free admission to the new museum currently being designed by London Olympic architect Philip Johnson, principal architect from the firm Populous.
“The Design will incorporate the likenesses of lifelong-sponsor Jaguar with Bradley Wiggins. We’re mocking up a bronze with Wiggins, hands aloft, riding the Jaguar symbol, which will top a building utilizing the most environmentally friendly eco-designs. We’ll have lots of bamboo, reclaimed rubber, reclaimed concrete, recycled water, and recycled water containers, along with reclaimed bidons from this year’s Tour de France,” commented Johnson at the press conference.
There were mixed reactions from the cycling community on the sale of a publicly-held national land trust to a quasi-private/public partnership with potential profit-driven motives to trumpet Sky’s victories to the greater British cycling public for their own good.
One anonymous fan at the press conference who was wearing Team Sky employee clothing commented, “I’m happy to throw my support behind any Wiggins/Brailsford/British Cycling intiative. They always have the fans and the people of Britain top of mind whenever they make any decisions related to the team, as they say in the press constantly. I have no problem with paying a fee to enter Box Hill, considering I’m paying a fee to watch the Olympics from Box Hill. So why not? They are the best thing ever to happen to cycling. Ever.”
UCI president Pat McQuaid was in attendance for the unveiling and stated, “I’m thrilled for this new development in the Team Sky cycling fairy tale. This couldn’t be a better ending to a grand Olympics that will have either Brad Wiggins or Mark Cavendish win the road race. I’d prefer Wiggins, but I’ll settle for Cavendish if I have to,” stated McQuaid.
McQuaid also revealed another exciting development along with the Team Sky announcement.
“Box Hill will also be on the top of our list of locations for a new UCI WorldTour venue. I am looking forward to placing Box Hill firmly in the folklore of our global cycling plan. It is definitely a better inclusion on the WorldTour calendar than the Tour of Britain. We look forward to Team Sky’s WorldTour race proposal, in conjunction with Global Cycling Promotion.”
Noted cycling doubter Paul Kimmage weighed in with his thoughts via phone:
“Cycling’s a big mess. I’m taking up sailing,” stated Kimmage.
Box Hill will feature prominently in Saturday’s road race, and will be a good gauge for future WorldTour events. Brailsford will be unveiling additional plans for Box Hill at the UCI World Championships in September.