At a press conference just outside Rome, women’s road race champion Giorgia Bronzini announced that she has changed her name and adopted a new philosophy to life and cycling.
“Last week I made a formal name change to reflect my true sadness at that state of women’s cycling due to the direct actions of the UCI and its illegitimate president Pat McQuaid. I plan to be an activist for women’s rights in the peloton in a militant manner,” declared Bronzini.
Flanked by Chuck D and Flavor Flav of the hip hop super group Public Enemy, Bronzini declared that she had adopted the life philosophy of Sunni Cycling, and to mark that change, she has adopted the name Ella-Giorgia Malika Shabazz.
Bronze X sticks out her tongue at UCI Oppression
“You can call me Bronze X for short,” a resolute Bronzini stated, “We will be marching on Aigle the first week in January to demand equal footing with men in the sport. My sisters in tennis, golf, surfing, triathlon, and volleyball will be joining us on this march on Aigle.”
“We demand that the evil UCI empire end its reign of tyranny on the women’s peloton. We have grown tired of working in the ‘sweat shops of the cycling world.’ We will take strategic action and restrained yet violent verbal warfare to achieve our goals, beginning with our march. We shall throw stones at the UCI’s glass house of oppression,” shouted the newly minted Bronze X from her pulpit.
Chuck D, rapper philosopher and militant civil rights activist threw his support behind the movement by re-recording a new version of the hit song “Fight the Power” – updated to include lyrics taking aim at the UCI and their culture of “fascism, racism, sexism, and rampant cronyism,” substituting McQuaid’s name for Elvis throughout the song.
The rap superstar then riffed into a Susan B. Anthony meets Martin Luther King duet with Bronze X, demonstrating that Bronze X has a potentially lucrative new career as an Italian female rapper, which has caught the eye of music mogul/Bugatti Veyron owner Simon Cowell.
“Riding a bicycle isn’t all that important or distinctive, but her new persona is something that could be bankable in the future,” mused Cowell.
Bronze X also announced a boycott of all ASO races, beginning with the Ladies Tour of Qatar, as they represent “the evil minion of the cycling slave masters.”
You can follow Bronze X’s updates on her women’s revolution for cycling at www.fightcyclingoppression.com.
No Comments