In an effort to attract younger viewers, the Amaury Sports Organization (ASO) has made sweeping changes to the Tour de France programme. The most visible change is the requirement that the leading team in the points classification now wears yellow helmets. ASO boss Christian Prudhomme observed “today’s generation of youth don’t know what it is like to lose. Everyone gets a trophy, especially in the United States where a youth athlete can lose every baseball contest they compete in, and receive a hand full of medals and a few trophies for their efforts.” Prudhomme continued “these young people need to be enticed into our sport with the same guarantees that it is good enough just to show up.” Finaly, Prudhomme added “just look at Wiggo’s sideburns, it’s an obvious attempt to win the Harry Potter crowd. The Brits have already anointed him the winner, even though a wheel hasn’t turned in anger. They say ‘just give him the yellow jersey – or at least a yellow helmet to signify he is dreamy.’
Wiggo is a winner just by showing up!
In addition to the obvious yellow helmets, there are also some other changes to the classifications in order to facilitate the “everyone’s a winner” Tour. First, the Lanterne Rouge, the rider who is last in the standings also gets to wear a yellow jersey, gets a podium ceremony and receives the same prize money as the winner. In fact all riders that start the Tour de France receive the same prize money, as well as the Crédit Lyonnais plushy and a kiss from the podium girls daily.
Any rider that drops out during a stage can hop any form of public transportation and rejoin the race if that bus, train, or plane crosses near the finish line. Additionally, Mark Cavendish can hold on to a team car during any portion of a stage outside of the last kilometer. Regarding this rule, Prudhomme responded “the modern cycling fan doesn’t want to watch all the tactics that go on during a six-hour ride, so we’ve changed our rules to give them the best 500 metres in sport. That means the best riders have to be there at the finish.” In a related rule change, the green jersey will be awarded to the rider that can sell the most Tour de France AbandyTM , a new cookie product.
Poor descenders will also be given a break. Andy and Fränk Schleck will be allowed to get in the team car at the top of any Category 3 or higher climb and travel down to the next valley, before getting back on their bikes. There will also be an award given daily for the best facial expressions made during an attack, when being dropped on a climb, or when taking an ‘au naturale.’ The obvious early favorite in this category is Thomas Voekler. The leader in this category will be identified by a jersey designed by French housewives.
Look for these changes and enjoy the new “Everyone is a Winner Tour” de France.
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