After many, many, many brown envelopes opened and counted, it is time to announce the victors in my year-end awards for the illustrious sport of cycling. I’d like to thank all you minions who chimed in with your opinions, and I must say, my decisions were swayed by some of you. Especially the opinions of the very attractive female contingent, which I always welcome. Ahem, without further delay, the winners!
Best Pick Up Artist
This was a hotly-contested category that wasn’t decided until yesterday. However, since Lance Armstrong hasn’t exchanged his older model for a new baby mama, and the @AdamMyerson has been quiet with his twitter flirtations, the winner is:
Ted King
He has panache. His subtle flirtatious ways have engaged the female American twitterati. He’s been known to zing that charm at races, and even managed to nab a phone number while slinging his equipment over his shoulder at a race last year. His tragic injury destroyed a nation of French housewives eager to see the boyish smile and aw shucks glint in his eye. I expect him to rack up the digits at next year’s Tour…
The beer handup - calling card of the pickup artist (photo from the fabulous @20poundskull)
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Best Dramatic Performance
While we had to fill this category with shill competitors in order to perpetuate the myth that there was actually a competition when it came to the best drama, the hands down winner is:
Patrick M. McQuaid for The Phantom Landis Lawsuit
This started several years ago with threats and innuendo. Throw in Hein Verbruggen, my predecessor to the UCI throne, some lawyers, a Swiss Court, and a statement to the press at least once quarterly to leave you with that feeling you get watching a steady diet of really bad British soaps like Coronation Street. The staying power of this drama, just like the idea of bedtime bogeyman stories for your children to keep them in bed at night, is quite outstanding. Maybe someday the Swiss court will actually find that missing paperwork and fire it off to Mr. Landis. Or not.
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Best Cycling Musical Score
There were many worthy candidates for a winner in this category, and due to the fact that two podcasts are regularily listened to at cyclismas.com headquarters, we had a great deal of difficulty picking an overall winner. Velobeats was a worthy consideration and came within a whisker hair of defeating the champ in this category:
Race Radio by Velocast
These two Scottish gents (@velocast & @sofaboy on twitter) do a clever job of mixing a wide variety of musical flavours, interjected with great cycling banter. We’ve grown quite fond of them, and have collaborated with both lads on a regular basis. Their website is at velocast.cc. And yes, you can all scream NEPOTISM! at their victory, because where would we be if we didn’t look out for each other?
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Biggest Whiner in a Grand Tour
This is pretty much a coronation of sorts. The subtle character assasination by a great classics rider who decided to engage in a brutal campaign to attack another via twitter, even drawing in the king of yellow, Lance Armstrong, was legendary. While I disagree with Mr. Vaughters from time to time, the efforts of the winner of this category brought him very close to being nominated in the “Tool of the Year” category for the same temper tantrum:
Thor Hushovd for the Vuelta Espana
Like he really wanted to ride the race. Seriously. Why would this tosser care to spend time in Spain when he could be lounging at home in Monaco partying up with his fellow cycling mates? It was the most blatant parting shot of anyone who found himself virtually “fired” for insubordination next to the unceremonious canning of David Lee Roth from Van Halen. The first time around. Thor, we have our sights on you next year. Let’s hope you walk the straight and narrow.
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Worst Descender in the Pro Peloton
Ivan Basso
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Most Likely to Hit the Tarmac at a Race
There is no question, and no explanation really required for the winners in this category. Let’s just hope that next year we see more cows, hay bales, dogs, musettes, newspaper, road furniture, riders and other miscellaneous cycling items to help the bleeding carrots in their European conquest of the tarmac:
The Entire Euskaltel-Euskadi Team
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Best Podium Performance by a Person, Duo, Trio, or Group
Team Garmin-Cervelo and Jonathan Vaughters for TTT win at the Tour de France
We just like how the lovely editor of cyclismas.com managed to put this great image together for one of @fmk_RoI’s revenue pieces. The look of pure ecstasy by Vaughters and the look of regal coronation by David Millar makes this celebration the best one of the year.
Winner for this photo alone
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Best Exit from a Race
There was fierce competition in this category; all the nominees were worthy of the win. However, one stood out from the rest, based upon the events that occurred after the exit. The winner is:
Alexander Kolobnev, Team Katusha for the Tour de France
We had no choice but to award the win to Kolobnev. How else can you categorize a man who not only quietly went on his way, voluntarily, from the Tour? Graceful. Elegant. Top this off with the fact that the Russian Federation finds him sort of guilty, and then awards him a medal for it. In the presence of president Vladimir Putin, no less. Best. Exit. Ever.
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Best Tow
Due to paperwork filed in the courts on the Isle of Man, we are not able to award a winner in this category. In fact, as part of a potential settlement arrangement, we are supposed to state that our award category did not imply any sort of statement that a certain sprinting member of the HTC-High Road team actually engaged in any sort of illegal towing activity in any race this year. As part of the potential settlement arrangement, we’d also like to congratulate www.3LC.TV (@3LCTV) for launching an absolutely stupendous video series starring some amazing professional cyclists and coaches from the Isle of Man. Alright Mark, are you happy now? Quit with the sour face. We still love you.
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Best Performance on the Dance Floor
Baden Cooke
Mr. Cooke won this award for his performances at his wedding in November of 2010. The moves were legendary and still being discussed almost a year later.
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Best Fashion Performance
This was a hotly-contested category that came down to Neil Browne (@neilroad) of twitter and TourChats fame, and the ever-fabulously tailored Gary Fisher. However, once the judges pointed out that Neil’s best performance is for being sans trousers on his weekly show, it was only a formality for the winner:
Gary Fisher
Gary’s style is timeless, including his exquisitely groomed facial region. Many a young male cyclist could learn a thing or two from Mr. Fisher, including how to ride a bicycle without pedals for Trek-branded photo shoots.
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Best Twitter Zingers
This category, the people’s category, is one of the more prestigious awards of mass distinction. All are worthy winners –@Velocentric for his rant-tinged humour, @Laura_Weislo for pointing out the hilarity of the sport with her Dennis Milleresque dry wit, @Cycleboredom for his pointed prose, and @sarcastitom’s pecking away at the scabs of cycling. Of course there HAS to be an honourable mention to the runner up in this category, @cycletard, who has continually and consistently woven terse tales of fantastic comedy (do I get a raise now, boss?) However, one Zinger Flinger emerges to lead the pack. He stands tall in spite of his Denver-based employer’s attempt to tame the savage beast:
Dan “The Man” Wuori (aka @dwuori)
Like there was any doubt.
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Cycling Anti-Establishment Award
The winner of this category has become synonymous with taking a stand no matter the consequences, including losing his job for standing up for his beliefs and speaking his mind. This man has the respect of the entire cycling community, and has been able to expose stories of truth using humour for some of cycling’s downtrodden. We are honoured to have his contributions here at cyclismas, and his bleary-eyed presence on the Hotstove.
Neil Browne (aka @neilroad)
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Tool of the Year
Lance Armstrong
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Best BMC Quote
“We don’t do things for licences. That has absolutely nothing to do with it.”
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Best VeloNews Headline
“Cycling’s New Anglo Empire – How America, Along with Australia, Britain, and Canada, Invaded Europe and Came out on Top”
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Best Meeting for Undisclosed Purposes
Lance Armstrong and Tyler Hamilton at Cache Cache in Aspen
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Best Alternative Live Cycling Feed Sites, Free to the Public!
www.cyclingfans.com
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Best Cycling News/Commentary Website, Alternative Media Category
All the nominees in this category excel at their various parts, but one site does a great job of continual information, commentary, and reportage. I love cyclismas for its humour and pithiness; I love podiuminsight for Lyne’s exhaustive and tireless coverage, I love neilbrowne.com for Neil, Blazin’ Saddles for entertainment, and gerard.cc for generally well-written and thoughtful sarcasm and commentary. However the winner this year is:
www.inrng.com
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Best Mainstream Media Pundit
Oh lord, this is about to start a fight. Let’s just say, like my children, I love all of these gents equally for a variety of reasons. All five have been great individuals for reporting on the sport, writing on the sport, and (most importantly) interacting with yours truly. So how do you pick a winner? Well it’s impossible. So I’m not. You’re all winners (plus each of your cheques bounced, quit spending money in Monaco).
Overlord’s Log: 11/11/11 10:53 pm UK Time: After a dispute, a recount, and a re-examination of the Cayman Island account we have declared a winner of this category. For his tireless efforts, his around-the-clock posting, taking one on the chin for his Tour of California blood testing reportage, we award this category to:
Daniel Benson, editor-in-chief of CyclingNews.com
@dnlbenson
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Worst Mainstream Media Pundit
Phil Liggett
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Best Cycling Puppet
Gianni Bugno
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Dedication to Cycling Award Sponsored by Mr. Michael Smith
Herbie Sykes
Mr. Sykes has tirelessly covered the finer aspects of cycling, no matter the consequence, and uncovered important stories from the sport’s past that would never have seen the light of day. Mr. Sykes has also done his best to stay true to the ethos of journalistic integrity in the manner in which he conducts interviews, articles, and his latest book, Maglia Rosa. Mr. Sykes even travelled the width and breadth of Italy to have his book signed by ten of the protagonists of his Maglia Rosa, to provide a special copy for those that wish to purchase.
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The Charles Talleyrand Diplomacy Award
Bill Strickland
Mr. Strickland has been able to dance across all sides of the cycling universe and still maintain his rabid interest in the sport at the grassroots level. He’s publicly stated his lack of interest in the pro level, but still comments and interacts in spite of his stance. His article on Lance garnered him grief from all sides, but he’s managed to repair and or manage the relationships in spite of his stance. I still think his team kit needs work.
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The Jacques Anquetil Award – Best Cycling Clothing Company
Rapha
I’d like to thank Rapha for their contributions to my closet and my personal grooming requirements this year. I’d also like to congratulate in advance next year’s winner, Vulpine.
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Ned Boulting Armchair Punditry Award
This was another challenging category based on the quality of the inclusions and their contributions to cycling in 2011. However, garnering his first ever win for his unbridled enthusiam, pursuit of the truth at any cost, and a charmingly infectious wit such that while I’ve been furious at him several times this year, he’s delivered a timely joke that always defused my savage anger:
@Velocast
Mr. O’Raw is able to move effortlessly between twitter, podcasting, and soon, the addition of a videocast with his partner in crime, @sofaboy on twitter. We look forward to seeing him develop his deep repetoire in 2012.
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The Mr. World Tour Award
Johnny Hoogerland
We’d like to thank the influence of @mplsminx for the selection of the victor for this award. We look forward to that candlelit dinner in Paris next summer.
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The Ms. World Tour Award
Evelyn Stevens
My Marriage Proposal from Tour Chats still stands. I have added to the dowry the entire European market of Diet Coke and Caffeine-Free Diet Coke as an engagement gift.
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Supreme UCI Overlord Minion
After cat fights and an interesting cage match in Monaco, and an arm wrestling match in Beijing that featured a curious drinking game with Jean Claude Van Damme and George Foreman, I have been able to determine the final winner, who managed to usurp all on the list with an incriminating videotape from my Astana trip:
@aslongasicycle
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Thank you to the countless fans who took the time to vote, sent me twitter messages & emails, left comments here on the site, and showered me with cash donations of all notes and denominations. I’d like to also thank the nominees for having a thick skin and a sense of humour (in almost all cases except for the Tool of the Year winner). The minions and I had a fantastic time on twitter and the ‘net with the cycling family this year, and look forward to more misadventures with the fleet of Bentleys, the G6, and the bank accounts in 2012. Your gold-encrusted trophy balls for the winners are being sent via FedEx (in white paper bags, of course), courtesy of the remaining ProTour funds and GCP profits from the Tour of Beijing. Slainte!
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