A mysterious flu-like virus has swept through the Santos Tour Down Under peloton, one which doctors suspect is the reason for the spate of crashes and near misses thus far in the race.
Doctor Humsnapple, official doctor of the Australian tour, gave his opinion exclusively to Cyclismas.com. “We’ve noticed a lack of coordination, and this – combined with nervous sprints and easily-breakable bones – has led us to one conclusion – it’s an outbreak of the Joey virus.”
Eddie Boss Hog cuddles a disease vector before losing out to Greipel in the final sprint. (photo by Sirotti)
Named after infant kangaroos, the Joey virus (also known as the marsupial death rattle) was the number two killer of Australians up until the 1940s, right behind platypus maulings. Fortunately a vaccine was developed which almost eradicated the disease. However, with European riders typically not given an anti-Joey booster shot, many have felt the icy grip of this insidious malady.
“The disease is spread to the visiting European racers when they are handed a baby kangaroo, or joey, in the pre-stage photo ops,” explains Dr. Humsnapple. “We Australians know that kangaroos are filthy beasts and we regard them basically as hopping rats.”
The doctor is warning non-Australian riders not to touch or be within a three-meter radius of a baby kangaroo.
“One way to do this is to not win a stage. Another method we are considering is to let Andre Greipel continue to win so we need only to isolate him,” said the doctor.
When asked why the German rider hasn’t contracted the disease the doctor could only speculate.
“I suspect that he is some kind of genetic mutation that feeds off of pain, suffering and diseases – basically one of the Horseman of the Apocalypse. We hope to draw some blood from him to further test this theory.”
Dr. Humsnapple gave this advice to the professional peloton: “This is an airborne contagion so be aware of how close you’re getting to a joey. In fact, if I were a European I might want to leave Australia altogether. This country is a death trap for most visitors. I haven’t even told you about the sharks that waddle onto shore and eat babies!”
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