Pozzato Declares Retroactive Cycling Boycott

After learning that he had been left off the Italian National Team selection for the World Championships, Katusha’s Filippo Pozzato declared a retroactive cycling boycott for 2011 that will continue through 2012.

Pippo prepares for the Tour of Qatar earlier this year.

Pozzato had traveled to Quebec and Montreal to compete for a last-minute spot on the Paolo Bettini-led squad. However, Pozzato’s disappointment could not be hidden in Quebec when upon check-in, his teammate Danilo Di Luca was mobbed by more than 50 female fans present and Simone Ponzi of Team Liquigas was mobbed by pretty much everyone else, including a strong alternative-lifestyle contingent.

“I don’t understand how the cycling fans have forgotten about me,” mused Pozzato. “After all of my photoshoots, and my infamous Sidi advertisment, I expected that the fans would forever appreciate, repect and admire me.”

Pozzato could not hide his dismay the following day during the GP de Quebec. Even Di Luca couldn’t console his despondent teammate. After a brief spin on his bicycle, receiving zero cheers from the female fans, Pozzato jumped off the bike outside the Château Frontenanc and phoned his close friend, Eddy Mazzoleni. Pozzato could be seen gesticulating wildly while speaking rapid Italian, and kicking his rear wheel with his bright Sidi shoes. A Katusha soigneur was observed cleaning the scuff marks from the Sidis moments later as a remorseful Pippo ruefully watched.

Paolo Bettini, in Quebec for a last-minute viewing of Pozzato’s form prior to the final team selection, could not hide his disppointment in the Katushan rider’s performance, “I just can’t believe that Pippo has lost the adoring female fans he captivated for so many years. I guess that Cipo (Mario Cipollini) was correct in his assessment that wins and devasting handsomeness need each other constantly.”

Pozzato called a press conference a few hours later, attended by a scant few members of the press, where he declared his boycott of cycling.

“Commencing this past January, 2011, I will be boycotting the sport of cycling for turning its back on me. I brought this sport a sexiness never seen, even greater than the great Francesco Moser,” declared Pozzato. “To that notion, I will no longer ride until the cycling world’s attention returns to my oiled shores.”

When asked by a member of the press if consorting with the Russian mafia known as Katusha destroyed his aura of sexiness, Pozzato held nothing back.

“I was assured a place in sexy cycling cult status by Igor Makarov, who controls the UCI, The European Cycling Union, and the Russian Cycling Federation. I expected that my status would have expanded due to his sway of influence. I was wrong. Makarov wants his team to keep a lower profile than his already low profile. He’s about collecting money and power. I have no such desire for these things,” concluded Pozzato.

Pozzato was last seen in the arms of his consigliere, Mazzoleni, who had flown over from Italy with Elisa Basso to bring Pozzato back home. Mazzoleni commented that “Pippo has a great career ahead of him as a restaurateur.”