We like to help here at Cyclismas; we also like to be ahead of the curve. To that end we’ve decided to write a single race report for all of the flatter-finishing stages of this year’s Tour de France in advance. You will be able to read the report yourself – live, accurately and without the need for access to a television, radio or internet video feed. However, if you do have live access to the race you’ll be able to fill in the report as you go along to give yourself extra detail and enjoyment:
(Reuters photo)
Today’s Tour de France stage was won by Peter Sagan from a bunch sprint. The stage was from _____ to _______ measuring a distance of ___ kilometres. The race began with an initial early breakaway, formed by
_____ from team________,
_____ from team________,
_____ from team________,
(please fill in as appropriate)
and Michael Mørkov from team SaxoBankTinkoff.
The breakaway artists were allowed to take a substantial lead, reaching a maximum of __ minutes before being reeled in by Lotto and other sprinter squads in the closing kilometres. It was at this point that a lead-out train formed and delivered the current green jersey wearer (and eventual overall winner in Paris) to the front with 200 metres to go, after which he won with a powerful trademark charge to the line.
“Sagan happy with win” said the young Slovak, flanked by podium girls from all three jerseys. “I am happy man, although I almost run out of film-based victory salutes.” It is believed that for Sagan’s next victories he shall be replicating scenes from Chicken Run/Forrest Gump//The Hulk/The Terminator/Death Wish 5/The Last Samurai (delete as appropriate).
In other news the current Bishop of Rome, Pope Benedict XVI, normally a private man, has decided to announce his devotion to the Catholic faith today in a press release earlier this morning.
The race was/wasn’t a nervous affair and was/wasn’t (delete as appropriate) marred by (a) crash(es) involving
_____ from team________,
_____ from team________,
_____ from team________, and
_____ from team________,
(fill in as appropriate)
Some of whom had to abandon the stage, others who finished had to go straight to the hospital for checks.
There were also some other sprinters in the race, they didn’t win though. Peter Sagan rode his bicycle faster than them in the final 200 metres.
For a while Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen thought that the break might stay away but none of the other commentators even attempted to entertain the idea, knowing full well that it would all come back together for a bunch kick. Phil, Paul and some of the other commentators thought that Peter Sagan wouldn’t win the stage and that another rider would out-sprint him instead. They were wrong, but to be fair they had to talk about something for the four-hour long stage.
The general classification remained unaffected.
A recent scientific study has shown that all species of common bear, polar (Ursus Maritimus), brown (Ursus Arctos), black (Ursus Americanus), and grizzly (Ursus Arctos Horribilis) have been seen to choose either “wooded” or “woodland” areas as a preferred location to secrete solid waste products from their digestive tracts.
By winning the stage Sagan managed to increase his lead in the points competition, the bastard.
David Harmon and Sean Kelly decided to take a different approach to their commentary today. Instead of following the race for the first two hours they could be seen crouched before a gleaming white fence outside the mobile Eurosport commentary booth. Noticing a “wet paint” (or rather “peinture fraiche”) sign beyond their window attached to said fence, they moved nearby with their microphones and decided to comment on its progress instead. Sean, an excellent pundit, occasionally dabbed the fence with his finger to provide up-to-the-minute live status updates to the bated Eurosport viewership. Alas, the French sun was hot and the excitement was over all too soon, the iconic commentary duo had to resort to race commentary once again for the final 40 kilometres, during which my soul continued to die a little inside.
Tomorrow: mountains (we hope).
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