Mystery teams

The boys at Frändy’s Bike Shop, with some help, guidance, and blingification expertise from @hilaryruns, join us as special contributors, sharing their inside glimpse of the peloton as only they can. They have been toiling away in the cardboard box fort that serves as base camp during their training to bring us news of a possible WorldTour team with much cooler kit than RadioSchlock. But we’ll let them tell you all about it.

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We are excited to leak the announcement of a new team that is being formed to dominate the UCI World Cycling Tour. This announcement is not to clarify the status of the team, but to show off their fabulous new kit! We will have more leaks…err announcements, at later dates to talk about riders they may sign, directors they might hire, races they may enter, licenses they may receive, bikes they may ride, sponsors they may have signed, team songs they may sing, etc.

Currently, the backers and sponsors of this team wish to remain anonymous, but the kit may reveal some clues. Please do not assume anything is official at this point (Mr. Trump has not returned our phone calls yet).

Some of the sponsors included on the kit are to demonstrate the type of sponsor they are seeking. They already have need, or know they will have need, of some of these sponsors.

Winchester – Everyone needs guns and bullets. They like to have them readily at hand to deter any rabid fangirls from approaching the as yet un-purchased team bus or anyone attempting to serve them with lawsuits.

National Car Wash – A possible future DS (who plans on directing the race while riding in it) used to live behind one.

John Deere – They will need a method to follow their riders through races. They also noticed that many of the routes roll through farmland. Why not make a little money while chasing whinging, skinny cyclists around the countryside?

The Gangsta Necklace – Ain’t Nothin but a G Thang.

Mushroom Cloud – Sometimes everything needs to burn. Scorched earth.

LegalZoom – What cycling team doesn’t need full legal representation for future breaches of contract or declaring bankruptcy?

WWE – At times this sport has come to resemble World Wide Entertainment wrestling. They plan on having theme music for all their riders complete with fireworks and light shows when they roll out of the start house. More wheel smashes please!

Omaha Steaks – Who doesn’t love a good steak?

The middle finger – Look, you all know riders want to flip off teammates, commissars, cameras, fans, other teams, directors, Pat, everyone else at the UCI, Lance… This list is really long so we will stop there with the highlights. This middle finger logo takes care of this problem all at once. Fuck Off!

Ed Hardy – They have to get the riders clothed some how. They wanted it to be as classy as possible.  It was either Ed Hardy or a flannel manufacturer, and Ed Hardy uses more glitter.

Schwinn – Their riders need to have bikes to ride. Why not ones that they can pick up parts for at Walmart? Riders won’t complain they don’t have new shit. Cyclists never complain….

The infinity symbol – This might stand for many things. A placeholder for another sponsor? Maybe. A response to RSNT’s stupid _O_? Maybe. A target for everyone to look at? Maybe. The Freemasons? Maybe.

Twitter – Who doesn’t love anonymous social media and echo chambers? Oh,don’t forget the snark. We love snark.

Badass Beer – Most cyclists seem to love beer. They figured this would lower expenses if they had a beer sponsor. They also plan on using it in bidons during races. They’d also like to point out that Kid Rock, who is a badass, makes Badass Beer. They are hoping his badass rubs off on them (that sounds like a terrible thing now that we write it).

Unicorns – There is nothing to say about unicorns. They are awesome and we love them. If you don’t like them, you can sniff our chamois.

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We look forward to making further announcements about this Mystery Team at a later date, or maybe tomorrow. Via Twitter. You know, like other teams.