After rumors began to swirl that Michele Ferrari was offering his cooperation to the Italian authorities in their investigation of corruption, doping, and tax evasion in cycling, it was learned that Johan Bruyneel made an embarrassing public display at a London restaurant late Thursday evening.
Bruyneel gives a thumbs up to anyone who will pay attention to him.
Witnesses reported seeing Bruyneel on his mobile as he walked into the Indian eatery, Veeraswamy in Victory House, in his home city of London, where he was overheard discussing “that asshole Ferrari” within earshot of waiting patrons.
“It was rather strange. His eyes were bugging out, and he walked into the restaurant alone. It seemed like he was talking to other people besides who he was speaking to on the phone, but there wasn’t anyone else with him,” commented one diner who observed the events as they unfolded at the well-known Regent street restaurant.
Bruyneel then harassed the staff and asked why his table for fifteen wasn’t yet ready for him. When queried on when the rest of his party was going to be joining him, Bruyneel blurted “They’re all here, you twat! Get my table ready! Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you recognize Lance Armstrong when you see him?”
“The whole thing was disturbing. His eyes were bloodshot, his speech was rather slurred, and we were concerned for the well-being of our other patrons,” commented a Veeraswamy representative who wished to remain anonymous.
Bruyneel then paraded around the restaurant, madly typing with his thumbs, announcing to the diners that he would be “fixing Vaughters’ wagon. That liar! That asshole! I’ve got all the dirt on him! The press reports will be out in a few hours. Cycling belongs to me!”
Cyclismas Twitter experts confirmed that Bruyneel did, in fact, transmit two strange tweets referencing Jonathan Vaughters. The Garmin boss took to the social media platform to rebut the Bruyneel attack and confirm to his followers that yes, he was a normal human being who had doped and lied about it, but apologized and took personal responsibility for both.
Upon being summoned by restaurant management, police took an extraordinarily long time to make their way to the eatery, as half of the British police force was on Bradley Wiggins guard duty in northwestern England following the cycling superstar’s recent run-in with a rabid vehicle operator.
“Our slow response time to the Bruyneel situation was due to the fact that much of our police force was guarding the entire Lancashire region. However, we all know Bruyneel is merely a man of words and not really one of action, so no one was in any immediate danger of any kind, other than having to sit through an unexpected dinner theatre performance,” stated a police spokesperson.
As police made their way through the restaurant, Bruyneel dropped to a fetal position underneath a table near the window wall, clutching his phone tightly and muttering, “I have over 100,000 followers on Twitter! I’m still important! Lance! Shield me from the police!”
While law enforcement dragged Bruyneel out of the restaurant, the former winningest Tour de France manager was seen hissing at restaurant patrons, telling them to shut up their legs, and that the truth would come out, finishing with a “I am the rightful king of cycling” flourish as he was escorted out.
Police confirm Bruyneel spent several hours in the drunk tank in the aforementioned fetal position, passed out. The Belgian was released under his own recognizance merely hours ago. There is no word yet from police if there will be any criminal charges filed for the outburst. Bruyneel did not return our phone calls for comment, and Twitter-blocked the entire Cyclismas editorial team moments after our message was left.
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