In a shocking development today, Team Sky boss David Brailsford called in a marker from the British prime minister, David Cameron, to prevent the disastrous shattering of England’s “Chosen One,” Brad Wiggins.
Froome takes a call from prime minister David Cameron, allegedly imploring him to “slow the hell down.” (AP photo)
After numerous cries from Wiggins to “Slow the f**k down, you c**t,” Brailsford jumped on the race radio to talk Froome into throttling back in order to save Wiggins the embarrassment of losing time to his lieutenant.
“We’ve put millions into creating the perfect Bradley. Millions upon millions. This project is about putting Great Britain at the pinnacle of cycling in our moment of Olympic glory. Brad is an Olympic track champion, and our technology should put him not only on the top step at the Tour, but also at the Olympics. He is the perfect marketing machine for continuing Great Britain’s cycling dominance, and I’m not going to let anyone or anything derail those plans,” commented Brailsford,”We have music deals. We have massive Fred Perry deals pending. We have a huge Adidas campaign ready. Why else would we have those sideburns on the mod?”
Brailsford went on to admit those plans were in jeopardy the moment über lieutenant Chris Froome began to pull away, in spite of Wiggins’ best attempts to keep pace and even as Brailsford radioed to rein in the naturally-talented climber from the team car. He took the extraordinary step of calling Prime Minister Cameron to talk sense into Froome. Froome was taken aback by the sound of Cameron on his race radio, and put his hand up to his ear to confirm that it was, in fact, the leader of the United Kingdom pleading with him to stop.
“It was quite flattering to have the PM telling me to think of my country, to think of my roots, and to think of all the little Brits who are desperately looking for a role model like Brad. Of course I told him that I was born in Kenya, and after that all I heard was a startling giant fuzz in my ear,” stated Froome, “Still, I didn’t want to anger English Parliament. After all, look what they did to Julian Assange.”
Froome seemed to have “compromised” his intentions by only taking two seconds away from the king of the mod mopers, but still made a strong statement to Team Sky brass and GB cycling officials that the young superstar wasn’t to be trifled with in any shape or form.
“Froome is a great candidate for our 2016 programme. He’ll just have to bide his time and allow Bradley to pass the torch when he is ready to do so. It’s only fair. Brad has been in our GB cycling mafia since he was a young lad. Froome is a newcomer. We have a hierachy, and we must follow that hierachy,” commented GB cycling head Brian Cookson.
Several expert cycling pundits, including Lionel J. Birnie, weighed in with their thoughts.
“Brailsford’s ruining the Tour like he ruined the GB track programme. Thank God we had Chris Hoy to save us there. Maybe Froome can do the same if he tells Brailsford to take a long walk off a short pier and attacks in the Pyrenées,” surmised Birnie.
Whatever the outcome of the Tour de France may be, rest assured all eyes in the corridors of British power will be watching the results with calculated interest, hoping for a fitting culmination to careful planning, careful science, careful public relations, and careful marketing.
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