Hello fans, I am Isambard Kingdom Bruyneel, the most successful team manager of all time and creator of the Great Eastern ocean liner. It has been a busy few weeks since my last post in which I explained my detailed plans for turning Andy Schleck into the 2012 Tour de France champion. His injury has turned a 100% chance of victory (because of my guidance) to zero, this is indeed unfortunate but not a disaster. You may have forgotten but I am the greatest directeur sportive and civil engineer that has ever lived, so there is no need to worry, as always I have a plan!
In addition to being a great bridge builder in reality I am also a great metaphorical bridge builder with the public. What I am talking about is the art of public relations of course! Today’s post is a little explanation of how I handle what is becoming perhaps the most important aspect of the industry in which I work.
In recent weeks you may have noticed that I have become the victim of a witch hunt headed by the USADA and so won’t be attending Le Tour this year (see my website for my personal message). I should say now that this was entirely my own decision, I needed to put the welfare of the team first (because I own the team outright so I know what is best for it). I have decided not to say much in public about the USADA case for the moment because I am busy constructing a watertight PR defence using my World Bicycle Relief charity. There is one thing we can all agree on from all this USADA nonsense: if I am unsuccessful in my bid to defend myself, the USADA will be solely responsible for there being fewer bicycles in Africa. I hope they can live with themselves and that this indisputable fact influences their decision.
Despite not going to the Tour I am going to continue to perfectly craft the outward behaviour of my riders as I have been all year. So let me clarify a few of things:
Chris Horner always knew that he was going to ride the Tour, just for fun we told everyone (including him) that he wasn’t. Think about it, the only alternative explanation is that I was influenced by someone else like Flavio Becca or Twitter to change my mind. Preposterous! No it was all a joke, I have a terrific sense of humour, just look at how funny I am in this video in which I threaten to sue Ben Stiller: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQRPVQAfydo or this video in which I am also hilarious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWvAgUYsUT0
Jakob Fugslang won’t ride the tour or any more World Tour races this year. This is because he has only won two races this year. The guy simply isn’t good enough to ride at World Tour level, it has nothing to do with my personal feelings towards him. Also, Fuglsang doesn’t get on with the rest of the team, as you can probably tell by watching the Tour at the moment; RSNT is running like clockwork, I don’t want Jakob ruining that. Bruyneel has spoken!
Frank Schleck is playing down his chances in the tour to the press because I told him to. In reality we will be enacting all of my Bruyneel gains™ on him that I had reserved for his brother Andy. He doesn’t know it yet but he will win the 2012 Tour de France. I will communicate all of my advice to him on Skype every evening during the tour. Naturally this will clash with the time he normally spends Skyping his brother but I am sure they will understand and his morale will be unaffected. Currently he is riding extremely well, all because of my brilliant tactics.
Flavio Becca is the finest sponsor that I have ever had the privilege to work with (unlike some sponsors he hasn’t threatened to sue me even once) and he always respects my decisions, which are final.
For some riders PR can be difficult, for example I have to personally manage all of Andreas Kloeden’s tweets for the good of the team.
See? PR is easy.
Lastly a message to all of my fans, please don’t worry about me (I know that you are), everything is under control, I am the greatest manager in the world. Thankyou.
n.b. My fee for this blog will be going straight toward my lawyer’s fees, he has his eye on a new boat, so if you fancy suing me then please do so, he needs the work.
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