Following their unholy balls-up in excluding Katusha from top-level status and the subsequent poke in the eye with a sharp stick delivered by the court of 
arbitration, the UCI have responded like a giddy fool by rolling back and forward several regulations to ensure that 23 teams is really not much more hassle than 22 teams.
Coulr O’Phobia, head of stuff at Aigle, revealed the extent of the UCI desire to help major players in the sport such as the organisers they can’t live without. “We examined this from a strictly objective point of view; 22 teams of 9 is approximately 198 riders. With the welcome addition of our friends from Katusha we have expanded the peloton by only 4.5%, I think, as 23 x 9 is 208 riders. This 4.5% can be recovered by our new program of innovative regulations – all groovy things we planned anyway.”
“We have relaxed the minimum weight of the bikes from 6.8kg to 6.494kg. We have also requested a reduction in wheelbase by 4.5% and all handlebars must now be a maximum of 38cm, which let’s face it, made Adam Hansen Grand Tour Omnium champion.
This now makes even more space on the road, but our help extends further. Riders will be expected to lose 4.5% body weight and to assist, we’ve decided not to ban Telmisartan, not that we were going to anyway – fill your boots team Doctors.”
Our president, Mr. McQuaid, has been moved by the words of outgoing Pope Henricous and we feel that extra riders is an exceptional opportunity to utterly reject homophobia and encourage riders to buddy up on accommodation – again easing the logistics nightmare we inadvertently created for the ASO and RCS. Cycling embraces embracing and should the Aussies see this as a step too far, we will accept top and tail arrangements.
Finally, whilst the regulations regarding sock height was welcomed by all our stake-holders, we will eliminate the extra 4.5% of laundry by asking all riders to wear one sock.”
How all cyclists look wearing only one sock
When pressed on the practicalities of such arrangements, outgoing president Pat McQuaid stated, “I feel that this increase in participation levels within the pro cycling ranks can be viewed as one of the wonderful legacies of my tenure. More cyclists on the roads can only be a good thing and the fact that we have done this via our usual incompetence shouldn’t dilute the benefits to sexual diversity and sales of Telmistartan.”
Katusha, whilst chuffed to be allowed back into the upper echelon of the echelons, were somewhat anxious regarding the new measures. Many of their press relations officers stated, “We are rather upset to be linked with a non-relaxation of the potential banning of a non-banned drug that lots of riders may have used legally. We love drug-free cycling at Katusha these days and would never not do none of that bad shit. Although the one sock rule is to be welcomed.”
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