Grizzled Rolling Stones axe-man Keith Richards popped into the pub recently to knock back a few pints and share with us a document he’d found on Phil Liggett’s private jet when the legendary rock band borrowed it to start their “50 & Counting” tour. It would appear that the peloton’s recent flirting with weight-loss is taking a sinister turn. Cyclismas has learned that riders have been utterly dissuaded from using illegal doping methods to shed unwanted body fat for fear of making the UCI a bit upset, and largely as no one dopes any longer and all that kind of bad stuff is from ‘years ago’ and the sport has moved on. This has led to disturbing new activities.
The document in question, which apparently was a printout of a lengthy SMS the legendary Liggett received from a trustworthy chap, reveals that several riders have resorted to having their eyelids and ears surgically removed in the quest for higher VAM scores. In addition, Oakley are reportedly supplying several teams with frame-only sponsorship deals, as the lenses are believed to amplify the effects of gravity to unacceptable levels. This new ‘Unbeknownst Eyewear’ range has enabled several French riders to remain clean against the odds as they chase points and Gallic adoration.
Celebrated rock star/critically acclaimed foot fetishist/noted amateur cycling chiropodist Mick Jagger has been developing a prototype direct-fit cleat with Team Twin Bank, thus avoiding the need for outdated heavy cycling shoes and socks. The cleat is placed directly into a bespoke replacement third metatarsal fabricated from carbon. By rendering walking nigh-on impossible, the system has a bonus benefit of 76% increased efficiency as it prevents riders from gaining non-cycling specific muscle mass by walking up stairs.
Consistently-outspoken BMC team director Andy Rihs has reacted to the UCI minimum bike weight regulation by having team riders train and race without bikes for the 2013 season. “Whilst the UCI limit allows over-weight IT professionals to ride bikes lighter than Cadel’s GT bike during 70km sportives in Tuscany, my riders are limited to having one fewer mushroom in their omelette if they want to succeed. Therefore we will do away with bikes entirely to improve their power-to-weight ratio and give them a decisive advantage. So far it’s been a success, though we could be exposed to attacks on long alpine descents.”
One much lauded and critically-acclaimed anonymous rider spoke with us in a secretive high-pitched voice and described disturbing scenes at training camps where the outer dermis layers are being removed by celebrity team chefs. “I wish we were still allowed to dope like tennis players, but now that cycling is clean we have to take some extreme measures that really sting.” Our anonymous source also revealed that climbing field tests have been causing spring classics riders to discard their last remaining ounces of self-esteem in pursuit of highly prized climbing prowess.
When we spoke to Bjarne Riis for his own views he asked “I don’t suppose you can tell me the weight of a left kidney?”
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