Movie poster for “Chasing Sven,” a new cyclocross film from Kevin Smith

TODAY:
AIGLE, Switzerland (DFC) — Three-time Tour de France champion Greg LeMond was “arrogant” in offering to act as interim dictator of the UCI should incumbent Fat McQuack give in to cat calls for his resignation, McQuack has told DFC (Drug Free Cycling).“Greg was a great cyclist who I’ve known since the time Greg was wearing braces to keep from swallowing his face from the ‘roids he took back in the 1980s. But I would ask him: ‘What have you done for cycling in the past 25 years?’ MaQuack quacked. The answer is: pointing out Armstrong’s obvious use of drugs.“The UCI is a corrupt kleptrocracy. No outsiders allowed. Especially Americans.” Huffed McQuack as he wiped the taste of Verrrrbrrrugen’s arse off his tongue.Asked if he had been stung by calls for his needed resignation, McQuack said: “Personally? No, I take anti-depressants. Most of the peoople who were calling for my resignation had nothing to do with cycling besides sponsoring it, writing about it and competeing in it. They don’t lord over it like I do.”Quacky added: “The UCI completely different today. We’ve hired a new public relations firm!”McQuack also dismissed the lobby group Change Cycling Now as having a hidden agenda of wanting a clean, accountable, transparent UCI.“They have discussed nothing with us; they acted as if we have been corrupt, incompetent and delusional in our ignoring the obvious truths about drugging in cycling.The UCI has appointed an independent commission to investigate the Armstrong affair — and the UCI’s role in the scandal — after riders, massueses, trainers, journalists, and 1.3 billion Chinese uncovered proof of a systematic doping program. Oh, and the the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency.“If forced, we’ll take the necessary measures to ensure that this sort of thing won’t happen again in the future with a big name rider, only smaller name riders,” he said. “We’ve found newer, undetectable drugs.”