Blackwater troops being deployed in Aigle.

Citing the recent rash of internal UCI letters and memoranda reaching the general public, and the uprising of pockets of resistance to their globalization plans, president dictator Pat McQuaid reached out to the firm that provides security to many US-based assets, the group known as Blackwater.

“I am thrilled that Xe Services accepted our desires for tighter security measures to ensure our safety at the top of the cycling food chain,” praised McQuaid.

McQuaid continued to discuss the changes in the cycling climate, as the UCI business practices that have been entrenched for decades have recently come under fire, including alleged attempted coercion of cycling sponsors, and more recently this week charges from WADA at the Play the Game conference of an “inconsistent and flaccid doping programme.”

The UCI plans on deploying an armed security detail with every ProTeam at every WorldTour race in 2013, and a maintaining “strong presence” at the UCI Headquarters in Aigle. Plans have already been announced to install a concrete barrier around the cycling mecca, along with an inner security fence as a secondary precaution.

When asked about the dubious record of Blackwater Security, including alleged human rights offenses in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and the United States, McQuaid fired back with a sputtering soliloquy, highlighting the fact that these alleged offenses were the result of a “bleeding-heart left-wing media agenda against those who have earned business profits from their God given ventures determined by Divine Right to Rule.”

ProTeam managers who were asked to comment on the program refused to go on record, citing significant differences of opinion and a lack of intestinal fortitude to express their opposition to what many feel is a “hijacking of the sport at the expense of the masses,” a quotation that none of the team managers, owners or sponsors were willing to attribute themselves to whatsoever.

However, Gerard Vroomen, founder of Cervélo, was unafraid to mince words, “I’m still astounded that this supposed governing body, operating with a smaller revenue stream than ours [Cervélo’s], can sway the collective billion-dollar cycling industry to its will.”

In response to Vroomen’s comments, McQuaid concluded, “We’ll see how small our revenue stream will be in 10 years with the help of Xe Services, Itera, and others who have united to create a galactic cycling empire.”