This is my throne. This is my sport.

Take, for example, this carbon road frame business. Firstly, I should have never agreed to that daft public relations firm and their idea of bringing industry journalists to Aigle for wining, dining, hugging, and air kissing. It never fooking works. And I was right.  After Carlton Reid of bikebiz.com posted an article where my quotes were not subjected to the usual whitewashing (as best he can, in most cases) by Enrico Carpani, I received a letter of rebuke from the World Federation of the Sporting Goods Industry. It’s not often that I receive a letter from the federation with the longest fooking name (must have the same PR firm as the Tour of Colorado), let alone under these circumstances.

To quote Reid’s article (which can be found here; if you’d like to see where the “gaffe” was made, here’s the video from Reid’s visit )

“Safety is the number one priority [for bike companies],” said Kock. “We want to help the UCI understand the issues. Pat McQuaid gave the impression that we as an industry made a lot of mistakes. Those comments were misplaced. The way the issue was raised was the wrong way.”

Look, we all know that most of the bike manufacturers have their frames produced in China, Taiwan, or Korea. It’s common knowledge that these frames cost anywhere from 250 euros or under, if not, the production would still be located domestically near the corporate offices of all these bicycle “manufacturers.” We also know that it is also common knowledge that if the frames are painted and assembled in the EU, they can “skirt” the “made in China” label as far as EU regulations are concerned. Of course, all the money is in the paint jobs and finish coats that these bicycles go through, hence why that 250 euro frame sells to some gobshite dentist for 5000 euros.

Any guesses which bicycle company this is?

So I say to Mr. Reid and to Robbert de Kock (yes, it’s his real name) of WFSGI, “I’m sorry for saying that the frames cost 50 euros — it should have been 250 euros. And of course they are of a very high quality (until one out of the thousands of frames produced snaps during a race, then everyone has a fit); Asia is known for producing some of the best quality products that are exported the world over. Hence why we want bike races in Asia, so those workers can spend all their heavily cash-lined pockets on exciting races like the Tour of Beijing.”

Speaking of the Tour of Beijing, yes, yes, I’ve kissed and made up with the AIGCP. It wasn’t easy. That Jonathan Vaughters is one smart and crafty individual. And he talks. Forever. After six hours in the car with him, I think I would have agreed to pay for his next home in Spain no questions asked.  The worst part about my day-long adventure is the fact that it happened on the day at the Tour of Colorado (presented by some Tea Party Promises or something) when the riders went down over the cattle guard, and one poor rider ended up with serious injuries in an American hospital.  I think they cleaned out his wallet before they cleaned out his injuries.

What could be the absolute worst scenario to happen when you’re in a team car of the man who is insisting that race radios are an absolute necessity for safety reasons? Right. The next two hours were the most painful I’ve ever experienced. Even more than that saddle sore I had back in Ireland during my infamous training ride with Sean in ’78. Made Boonen’s zitvlak look like a hang nail. I had no choice but to acquiesce to Vaughters on the radio issue, as he was correct in his assertion that radios would have probably saved those riders from being injured.

However, my argument about the organizers not taking route planning seriously and in detail as a rebuttal to his radio argument opened another can of worms, as he then brought up the Tour of Beijing, which I alluded to earlier. I just couldn’t fooking win on that day. It was as if the Karma gods had lined up against me on behalf of the unruly unshaven one. The worst part about the conversation is that I couldn’t escape, and Vaughters was a dog on a bone.

The three of us look good here (Rumpf is in the middle as always)

Firstly, he gave me a hard time about threatening to yank the team’s pro licences if they didn’t show in Beijing. Then, he gave me more difficulty about the fact that Alain and Rocco were calling sponsors directly to put pressure on the team owners. In fact we pushed so hard that Radio Shack pulled out of cycling completely. Oopsie.

What else could I do? He had me in corner. Not only did I agree to radios being in for 2012, and to reconsider the “commission” that I formed to give appearances that we were really evaluating the radio issue, but I also conceded to pay the teams through Global Cycling Promotions for their agreement to show up in masse on the start line. Vaughters asked me to allow Harold, Ricardo, and Trey to negotiate the terms of the payment – I’d had enough in the car so I capitulated; poor Rumpf now has to deal with this mess (and negotiate with those three) and he’s not going to be happy about the fact that some of our profits from this race won’t go into our pockets, but instead will be heading the teams’ way. Ah, you win some you lose some…

Speaking of winning some and losing some, at least the UCI has acquired an internet “news” outlet in the form of Sietse Schelpe and his “RockyRoads Network,” which is probably an apt name for the venture (link to the deal here). Since no one really follows the MTB business worldwide, it’s our position to see how we can utilize our disinformation plan in a smaller venue before taking it large-scale with www.cyclingnews.com. I understand those folks had a great time with Global Cycling Promotion in China; it’s bought us some fooking goodwill so far *chuckle* and should show the full benefits as we move on a going-forward basis.

Always scheming, is Bruyneel.

Lastly, while on the topic of disinformation, anyone who buys the rumour that L’Equipe published today should be shown the door from cycling to a more simple pursuit, like American baseball. I’m sure Johan is laughing his arse off that he pulled an early September April Fool’s joke on that media outlet. Leopard-Trek done at the end of September? It’s all completely ludicrous.

Or is it?

After months of press releases and name changes, the USA Pro Cycling Challenge stage race is upon us. The prologue starts in Colorado Springs on a mostly downhill course which has team mechanics scrambling for 60-tooth big-rings. Even before Carlos Eduardo Alzate Escobar of Team Exergy took his first pedal strokes down the starting ramp to kick-off the seven stage race there have been some issues.

A high-profile stage race in Colorado has been missing since the Coors Classic. The terrain and conditions of the state make cycling a natural fit. With the blessing of then-Colorado-Governor Bill Ritter and part-time resident Lance Armstrong, the concept of a stage race in the Centennial State was a lock. What can go wrong when you have a politician and one of the most recognizable athletes in the world endorsing an event? A lot has changed.

As you’re probably aware, the current name of this event is a cluster. USA Pro Cycling Challenge presented by the Millennium Promise? What does that even mean? The name sounds like a crazy Japanese game show. I can hear the announcer now, “In order to move on to the speed round Leopard-Trek rider Andy Schleck needs to stuff 10 water bottles down his jersey and navigate this downhill slalom in 30 seconds. If not, he’s eliminated!” Also, the Millennium Promise? Sounds like a secret society right out of a Dan Brown novel.

One problem is that there is another Tour of Colorado and the promoter was willing to go to court to fight to retain the name rather than give it up. The other initial stumbling block was that Quiznos, the presenting sponsor, had fallen on hard times. Also, Quiznos was either unable, unprepared, or just naïve on how to organize an event of this scope. Speaking to several people there were serious concerns that the race would even start.

Then there was the sudden re-retirement of Armstrong after this year’s Tour Down Under. If you remember, on the steps of the Colorado State Capital Building a newly un-retired Lance stated, “My days in top-level European cycling are done. But I can’t say I won’t do events that help causes that I care about. We’ll never say never.” Sure it was a lukewarm commitment, but it was enough to get the ball rolling on the project because let’s face it – if you can get Armstrong to your event it is guaranteed press. A couple of sources told me that two major sponsors were lined up to continue the Tour de Georgia, but one of the conditions hinged on Armstrong competing. No Armstrong – no Tour de Georgia. The seven-time Tour winner was a valuable part of the Pro Challenge equation for success. But that was 2010.

A cycling jersey or a jockey’s shirt?

Fast forward a year later and the Armstrong brand has taken the same type of beating that Lance himself dished out on the slopes of France to his adversaries. Bicycling Magazine editor-at-large Bill Strickland penned a piece in the magazine stating that he now realizes Armstrong had doped during those Tour victories – something that most cycling journalists had suspected for years but hadn’t publically written. The news magazine show “60 Minutes” interviewed Tyler Hamilton, who stated that he had witnessed and participated in organized doping during his time at the US Postal team. Not long afterward there was the Cache Cache restaurant incident that portrayed Armstrong as a bully and caused the FBI to pay a visit to the sleepy town of Aspen to investigate the possibility of witness intimidation. Brick by brick public perception of the man who re-ignited cycling in this country, and arguably the world, was falling apart. By this time Armstrong had retired again as a professional cyclist. So where does this leave us now?

Several months ago I was approached about writing blogs leading up to the race, during the race, and perhaps post-event as well. I spoke to the person in charge of the public relations and told her that whoever writes about this event will need to be spot-on or it will seem like an amateur hour. Those were my exact words. She agreed and I sent her a proposal. In the end they hired another company to handle that aspect of promotion, but not before some very elementary mistakes were made in press releases and tweets. Funny enough, she asked me how many followers I had on Twitter making it obvious that they were trying to generate as much social media buzz behind the race as possible.

The tweet campaign by USA Pro Cycling Challenge has been spotty at best. One was so poorly-written that it suggested Christian Vande Velde had won the 2011 Tour de France. Other tweets have used various hashtags to denote the race, causing confusion. Is it #uspro, #usapcc, #usapro, #USAProChallenge? A press release regarding the classification jerseys stated that Davis Phinney was the first American to win a stage in the Tour de France (Greg LeMond actually was in 1985). Very recently, there was a typo in a press release regarding the amateur time tria [sic]. Biographies of some riders had been lifted straight from Wikipedia (Fränk Schleck’s bio). Speaking of bios, on the race web site, Leipheimer’s photo shows him in an Astana kit! To get the correct photo all it would have taken would have been one email to the press person at RadioShack and they would have had several images to choose from. Some of these may seem like small mistakes, but their serious dependency on Wikipedia (the obvious source that the USA Pro Cycling Challenge used for information regarding Phinney being the first American to win a Tour stage), in addition to the lazy mistakes shows they are unfamilar with the subject of bicycle racing. If you want your event to be considered the best, there can be ZERO room for mistakes such as these. If you want your event to be considered a regional race promoted by someone with minimal budget – job done.

Not everything, though, is doom and gloom. While they might have skimped on researchers, they ponied up to bring some of cycling’s biggest riders to Colorado. Unfortunately, if you watched the press conference on Sunday you realized that they were already using the excuse of jet lag, coming from the Tour de France, and the altitude for possible poor performances. The one strong favorite, RadioShack’s Levi Leipheimer, was a no-show at the press conference. The reason given was he was reconnoitering the time trial course. Another reason I heard was that he didn’t want to face the press and answer any awkward questions regarding the ongoing doping investigation or perhaps what team might employ his services for 2012. But another strong favorite was tucked into the top corner of the daïs – Sergio Henao of Gobernacion De Antioquia-Indeportes Antioquia. The Colombian team had shown their strength at the recent Tour of Utah and everyone on that daïs knew it. Tom Danielson stated that the South American team was going to cause chaos. Of course everyone wants the best rider to win, but can you imagine the public relations disaster if Henao finishes in Denver wearing the checkered yellow jersey?

For this race to get a foothold in America it needs to have an American win. Before the Tour of Utah very few people knew of Henao or what he was capable of. Now he’s a favorite on a team no one this side of the equator had heard of until a couple of weeks ago! And as I cruised through my Facebook feed, one retired pro who lives in Colorado wrote about the race, “So far it’s been the best kept secret of the 2011 season!” The Colorado Springs Independent wrote an interesting piece regarding the buildup to the race and that the reason for the low-profile was the US Women’s Open Golf Tournament at The Broadmoor was bogarting the media. Then there was the white elephant in the press conference – no Lance Armstrong.

As dignitaries took turns at the podium giving thanks to various people in the race organization as well as to both the present and past Colorado governors, there was not a mention of Armstrong. Remember, he was the one a year ago who got the ball rolling and stood on the Capitol Building steps announcing it to the press, which was then followed by a “tweet ride.” Armstrong tweeted that the start of the school year was the following day which made travel to Colorado impossible, but he promised to be at the race Tuesday. It will be interesting to see what capacity the Armstrong brand will be used to promote the race. In a team car, standing on the grandstand talking to the masses, or peeking out of the team bus window?

Regardless of these first year stumbles I’m hoping the USA Pro Cycling Challenge can overcome these issues and move forward. And oh yeah, don’t get me started on the disaster of the category leader’s jerseys…

This is my throne. This is my sport.

All the efforts, all the planning, all the crumbs for the dirty little masses to fight over, culminating in one life-changing event that occurred this past Sunday when I was a VIP guest – the grand poobah of cycling, the ultimate authority of everything two-wheeled – at the Olympic Test Event won by the home side.

I was booed.

Booed. Repeatedly.

But that wasn’t what shook me to the core. No, it was the fact that one of the little urchins scuffed my favourite pair of Hugo Boss black leather loafers. The 20-something punter had obviously had one too many pints of some cheap, sleazy lager and chose to “accidentally” back into me, and with the heel of his filthy Adidas hightops scuffed a large white mark across the side of MY loafer. Fooking twat.

It is events like this that make me blood boil red hot red. Red. Hot. Blood. It’s part of my motivation to close the circuits and eliminate these ridiculous drunken arseholes from the equation. This also led me to make my decision to head across the puddle and take in the USA-Pro-Cycling-Challenge-in-spite-of-the-fact-that-it-really-isn’t-a-challenge-and-has-even-less-to-do-with-the-entire-country-but-we-had-nothing-else-to-name-it-race for a little R&R before I have to deal with the unwashed masses again in Spain for that Vuelta business.

You see, the Americans really have the formula correct. Sure, they spend so much fooking time in their cars and really just think of bicycles like they think of that Frogger game that my oldest boy used to play back in the day – bicycles and riders are for squishing, bumping and rubbing, and ridiculing. However, they are brilliant at marketing a truly NOTHING event into the greatest thing since sliced bread.  They also recognize that it is important to separate the commoners from the millionaire money-grubbing elite that have lunched on the 300 or so million poor souls in that country since around 1981. However that’s politics, and I really don’t give two shites (or three) about that.

Take, for instance, the tripe that they blew on this very fancy and spectacular website which they probably paid way too much for:

The #1 Most Influential Athlete? Really?

“128 of the Gutsiest Riders.” “The #1 Most Influential Athlete.” “The most demanding race on American Soil.”  Testimonials from Ryder Hesjedal and George Hincapie. I’m waiting for the stereotypical used car salesperson to come out and do the hard sell on me.  After looking at this blatant attempt to try to sway the general public by basically saying “Like me! Really! Please! Like me! I had to buy my friends to put on this show!” This isn’t the best way to try to capture the imagination of the hardcore cycling fan, who really doesn’t have time to even attend the race, since according to the ever knowledgeable Chris Carmichael and TrainRight, the American yuppie/semi-professional athlete is too time crunched to train and is forced to do yoga and workouts in their hotel room in order to gain a chance to dominate that next Category 5 race that they pulled up to in their Audi A6, while riding on the latest $10,000 Pinarello Dogma.

No, the reason why I made the decision to check out this ridiculous race that will probably die a slow and painful death between October of this year and January of next year, was my lovely assistant, Bhon Mhat, showing me their foresight to take care of “uber riche” individuals like me. It’s a lovely acronym. Fooking brilliant little play on their part.

VIP.

Oh yes, you can entertain your business associates in private rooms, and mingle with the stars of the event at the event and enjoy a complimentary continental breakfast with juice and coffee for your thousands of dollars you just shelled out for an exclusive experience. That was a bonus for me. No more cruddy little nose pickers hanging around unattended and touching their heroes like we do in Europe. No sir, only the exclusives get to socialize with cycling’s elite.

Ah, the Thug Life of the Elite.

No more punters scuffing my Hugo Boss Loafers.

Needless to say, I’m quite excited about heading over to the wrong side of the pond. In fact, I feel so safe attending this cute little six-stage romp in Colorado, I plan on pulling my Ferragamo Derbys out. That’ll make Bhon’s day; he hates having to polish the damn buckles, but I have to have the silver parts shiny and sparkly.

Do I care who wins? Not really. Maybe I’ll even stop by and see what Aspen’s finest eating establishments have to offer, rather than ride the stupid bike that USA Cycling has “built” to my specifications. Whatever. For those of you with short attention spans, and who lack of depth in your cranial capacity, you can now move onto your gossipy tabloids or return to your ridiculous twatter about how tight Tom Danielson’s bottom looks in his PRPS jeans.

Right.

Our media experts say that market research shows we need to include a JV photo... *eyeroll*

According to “market research” done by the “wonderful” pinheads at this website locale, apparently the feedback has been that once I approach 1000 words the vast majority of you fall asleep. The other part is that sometimes my diatribes are so in-depth, and so mind bogglingly complex that your simple brains can’t comprehend exactly what the hell I’m getting at. So here’s some Cliff Notes for you stupid gits who can’t seem to get out of your own way long enough to figure out the plot. Alright then, let’s summarize the finer points from the past few weeks:

• Global Cycling Promotion SA is a company that was founded using UCI money in order to directly profit five individuals who are associated with the UCI, including yours truly.
• Global Cycling Promotions will receive direct profits from the Tour of Beijing, as they are the umbrella organization that is in charge of this event.
• Alan Rushton, one of my close associates, has been hired to provide technical support for the Tour of Beijing.
• Gerard Vroomen (he founded Cervélo) was correct in his assessment that Biological Passport test numbers are significantly down in 2010 and also in 2011.
• There is a disparity between which teams are tested, and how frequently they are tested.
• Some riders have significant gaps in between their tests (some riders have had six months between tests)
• Riders are not told if they are being tested for the Biological Passport Programme or if they are being subjected to a random test.
• Teams were supposed to receive the biological passport results every quarter according to Anne Gripper, but according to four separate teams, they only receive them once a year.

There’s your short recap of the last two Dispatches you twats. Now I can get those damned editorial people off my back. For those of you outside Europe (or located in the United States), you have now exceeded your attention span limit. Go stuff your faces with some Twinkies.

So, an actually important race starts this Saturday for the rest of the world outside of the United States. We know that Catherine Wiggins’ husband has spent oodles of time preparing for this event, after his disastrous turn at the Tour de France. In fact, Catherine was complaining on twitter earlier this week about how her husband’s preparation would fuse the electrics in the main house (for those of you curious, there has been a restraining order issued by the authorities on behalf of Catherine Wiggins’ husband. I am no longer allowed to directly reference him in my Dispatches under threat of imprisonment or a light slap on the wrist with a silk handkerchief).

Heat Chamber preparation?

His preparation? A heat chamber. Yes, in order to deal more effectively with that sultry Spanish weather, the ever-industrious husband of Catherine Wiggins constructed a Temperature Acclimation Chamber to prevent the lowering of his socks at any point during the race.

In fact, neighbours state that they were concerned when he started to wheelbarrow mud, sand, and lumber into the TAC, and began working around the clock, building some sort of scale model of something.

Angliru.

In a scene straight out of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Catherine Wiggins’ husband, whilst listening to a steady stream of Oasis (driving any sane human mad), constructed a scale model of Angliru right there in his glorious TAC.

After two weeks and numerous neighbourhood complaints, Mr. Catherine Wiggins strolled out of the TAC, tranquillo.

Greg Henderson, brought in to survey the situation after many desparate phone calls from the queen of the manor, met his team leader in the back yard.

They paused.

Their eyes locked.

No one moved for several minutes. You could hear a bottle cage hex nut hit the grass it was so quiet.

Catherine Wiggins’ husband finally spoke. “I will win on Angliru.” He walked around Henderson, touched him briefly on the shoulder, and went to the corner pub for a pint.

Mr. Catherine Wiggins crafting his Angliru.

Henderson walked into the shed, and after being overwhelmed initially by the darkness, the smell, and the whirring sound of the heating apparatus, he focused on the architecturally scaled, authentic reproduction of the hallowed mountain. And on top, was a single solitary rouleur figure, arms aloft, painted intricately in Sky team colours. Yes, Mr. Catherine Wiggins is going to win the Vuelta.

Now, Bhon, story time is done. I’ve wrapped up the Vuelta Dispatch, have my notes for the Hotstove, and I’m ready for bed. Have you finished packing my suitcases for the puddle jump?  Yes, yes, I know you think that four bags is excessive for a few days, but the last thing I want to do is show up to VIP tent only to find that Kevin Costner is wearing the same blazer that I am.