On August 12, 2014 I received the official court transcript with the judge’s ruling.

Here is the summary of the ruling:

“Present at the hearing on contempt today’s date were the plaintiff, Lesli Cohen, and her attorney, James Donnelly, and appearing by telephone, the co-plaintiff, William Hue. The defendant, Aaron Brown and Siroque Holdings as well as the Rule 19 party, Paul Kimmage, were not present. This Court finds that actual notice was given to the defendant’s representative in Court, and that notice was sent to the last known address of Aaron Brown and Siroque Holdings.

After hearing the Court finds as follows: Effective January 16, 2014 Justice Robert Gordon of this Court issued an order which basically enjoined the defendants from disbursing any funds from the Paul Kimmage Defense Fund, requiring that they identify the location of banks and account numbers where the funds were currently held, and also providing an accounting of each prior donation to and disbursement from the account.

The latter two parts of the order were to be complied with by February 25, 2014. The Court finds that this order was clear, unequivocal and quite simple in its terms and furthermore, that it was signed by each party or their representative as of January 31, 2014.

The Court credits the representations of counsel and finds that the defendants did not respond in any fashion to the order, that they produce identifying information regarding the accounts, regarding Paul Kimmage Defense Funds at any time subsequent to the order. This is also borne out by the docket of this matter which was admitted as an exhibit.

The Court also credits the testimony of Lesli Cohen who received information from at least two donors that they received a refund of a portion of their donations to the fund during the month of March 2014 in direct disobedience of the Court order.

The Court also finds that the specific notations on Exhibit three to the effect that, “a small group of U.S. donors is trying to block the refunds” indicates that the defendant was aware of the Court order and willfully violated it.

Accordingly, this Court concludes that there is clear and convincing evidence that the defendant violated a clear and unequivocal order to provide information regarding the whereabouts of the funds and not to make disbursements.

As a result the Court will enter judgment on these consolidated complaints for contempt in favor of the plaintiff, Lesli Cohen and William Hue. Pursuant to this judgment the Court further orders that the defendant, Aaron Brown and Siroque Holdings, comply with the order of January 31, 2014, forthwith in that the defendant Aaron Brown and Siroque Holdings pay Lesli Cohen her costs and attorney’s fees in the amount of $11,169.16 as specified in amended Exhibit six.

The Court will set a thirty day deadline for compliance with this order and will entertain a motion for further sanctions if strict compliance is not had by August 8, 2014.

Is that clear?”

A final Pre-Trial Conference date has been set for October 10, 2014, at which time all parties are required to attend. If Aaron Brown fails to comply and fails to appear, it is highly likely that the court will rule in favor of me, Bill Hue, and Paul Kimmage and assess full damages (the full value of the missing Kimmage Defense Fund, as well as legal costs for a year and a half of litigation) against Brown and Siroque Holding, and enter a final judgment against Aaron Brown that will be entered into United States legal records. This will set a precedent for future litigation in other countries against Aaron Brown, should anyone else wish to pursue him internationally.

We’ll keep you updated as to any further developments.

Crowd sourcing comes to cycling (photo courtesy of Team Traveller)

Worst Five Things of the Week

Numero Cinco

CONI Requests four-year ban for Savio

So the criminal courts clear Gianni Savio from any wrongdoing. Savio has proof of no wrongdoing. However, it seems that CONI feels that he’s done something wrong in reference to the case, and has asked for a four-year ban? If I were Holczer, Vaughters, Bruyneel, or any other manager, I would look upon this development with alarm. Holding managers responsible for members of their team doping? That’s preposterous and completely ridiculous.

Numero Cuatro

Klöden declares WINNING is more important than family

Well, it seems that Andreas Klöden’s trek to the dark side of the force is complete. Eschewing the notion that a happy family is a vital component to a long and stress-free life, Klöden has basically declared that the brothers Schleck need to forget any familial allegiances to achieve greater professional gain. Of course, this sort of selling-your-soul-to-feed-your-own-selfishly-egoistical pursuits is really nothing new for Klöden. And it’s unfortunate that Becca and crew have failed to realize the marketing potential of having the first brother act on the podium at the Tour De France.

Numero Tres

No Place for Alexandr Kolobnev with Katusha in 2012

So once again it’s shown that it never pays to fall on your sword for your team, for your countrymen, or for one-day allegiances. Seems that Kolobnev has been told there’s no room at the Katusha table for him. Shocking. Funny how one guy just seems to have bad luck follow him at every turn. Maybe he should call Floyd Landis for pointers on the next steps to take.

Numero Dos

AFLD ends disciplinary action against Jeannie Longo

What a fooking disaster this is. I blame the Spanish. They started it. Oh wait! Or was it the Italians? No, maybe the Russians. Ah well, at least the Americans still believe in crime and punishment for the guilty, i.e., the end user.

Numero Uno

Vino Vino Vino

Quit being cheap. With the advent of social media platforms, everyone thinks that they don’t need PR people anymore. Guess what? Some people really should turn their PR statements over to someone else to release. Like Vino. Facebook? really? With unfortunate and questionable English usage? Sigh… Even I have an editor for my pieces. Yes, even yours truly isn’t fooking perfect. What? Sorry? Yes, yes, I’ll put the curtain back up. *chuckle*

Best Five Things of the Week

Number Five

Dan Lloyd speaks his mind on leaving Garmin

Why is it that almost every single person who leaves Garmin has nothing nice to say about their experience with the team? Lloyd, Lowe, Hushovd are just three of the latest examples of this. In fact, Lowe actually filed a complaint with the UCI back in June or so. But more on that down the road. Good for Lloyd speaking out, which led to quite an interesting Twitter debate between Shane Stokes of Velonation and Garmin poohbah Jonathan Vaughters, leading to a public apology by JV. Yet, Lionel Birnie just HAD to get his two cents in on it as well. Plus, the Twitter masses lining up to either support or skewer Mr. Vaughters made for an entertaining weekend on the social media platform.

Number Four

James Stout begins a crowdsourcing fund for a cycling team

I’m a big admirer of this lad. First off, he made the decision to leave a full racing calendar in the States to return home to Europe for health reasons after his employer withheld agreed-upon medication necessary to control his Type 1 diabetes. Second, he was unwilling to be “dissuaded” from revealing his unfortunate experiences, and chose to be publicly forthcoming in speaking out about the mistreatment he received. Thirdly, he resisted the temptation to turn his back on the sport, and chose instead to race for a new cycling team, Team Traveller, beginning in June. Now the lad would like to make Team Traveller a haven for those in pro-cycling who have received a raw deal from other teams. I predict a bright future for Stout. Take the time to support his initiative.

Number Three

Evans given vintage Cadillac Coupe as reward for Tour success

What makes this story one of the best of the week is the fact that the Caddy wasn’t a gift from BMC team owner Andy Rihs, but rather from rival WorldTour team owner Gerry Ryan of GreenEDGE. Ryan, is, of course, a fellow countryman to Evans and one really can’t fault his nationalistic largesse to the first Aussie Tour winner. But is this really permissible under UCI WorldTour rules? Absolutely, as we aren’t playing college-level American sports here. The question remains, however, if this could be construed as down payment for a future contract with GreenEDGE. I wonder what the current members of GREENedge have to say about the gift? Reminds me of the Jean-Francois Bernard/Bernard Tapie Porsche debacle.

Number Two

There’s new energy coming into women’s cycling

I’m very thrilled to see Lululemon getting involved in women’s cycling. I’m also very thrilled to see Kristy Scrymgeour move up to the team manager role for the Specialized-Lululemon squad. Here’s hoping this might cause the men’s side to re-examine to whom they pitch sponsorship opportunities, as Lululemon is a solid fit for this aspect of the sport. Those who have been around the team say the energy is overwhelming positive, which should translate into a very successful year for the team.

Number One

Pat McQuaid 2011 Round Up

I am thrilled at the development of the UCI YouTube Propaganda Network. It’s an outstanding way for the organization to disseminate the message directly to the masses. If you say something over and over again, not only will you start to believe it, but the ballyhoo may actually cause the general public and the media to begin to believe as well. It looks like I may have to pull strings at The Guardian, SkyNews, Velonation, Cycling Weekly, and Cyclingnews, though and put some better puppets in place to properly pass on my platitudes without inserting some fooking subjective knife twists pointing out how many holes my propaganda truly has. I’m picking up the phone, you hacks. Be forewarned. *chuckle*

]]> http://www.cyclismas.com/biscuits/cycling-tweeters-index-of-suspicion-beijing-edition-october-4th-2011/feed/ 0 http://www.cyclismas.com/biscuits/the-overlords-dispatches-from-the-throne-volume-28/ http://www.cyclismas.com/biscuits/the-overlords-dispatches-from-the-throne-volume-28/#comments Mon, 26 Sep 2011 23:12:05 +0000 http://cyclismas.com/?p=2555 We are winning the war. The war against dopers. This victory has been a monumental achievement in my reign as the supreme Overlord of all that is cycling.

This is my throne. This is my Sport. Live from Copenhagen.

The victory against this war has been clouded this week by the fact that my brother “helped” Richmond with their winning bid for the 2015 World Championships after the attrition of Quebec City last year. Ignore the fact that Muscat dropped at the eleventh hour during an in-person meeting where we offered the moon in order to secure the winning Richmond bid. That means nothing. It’s only insolent bloggers who are over-hyping the fact that Darach played a very insignificant, and therefore, minor role in securing the bid. There was a host of individuals who were intimately involved in making Richmond happen. In fact, I might be persuaded to consider that Darach was a freeloader. Well, he’s been a freeloader since birth, but that’s for another conversation at another time. I love the little fooker.

Happy Richmonders

Ignore that insignificant tripe. It’s unimportant. Winning the war against doping is all that matters, for at least the next 7 days or so, or until I change my mind. Yet again.

Our efforts have made the dopers run scared. We’ve broken the ringleaders of the effort to corrupt our sport. We have rid them from the ranks of the professional peloton, we have rid them from levels of team management, we have extracted them from the support folks that act as drug mules, and we have caused the arrest of the ring of doctors who supply these parasites with their products.

Yes, it is all the work of Alexander Kolobnev.

You see, Kolobnev is the only positive test this year in the professional peloton. With well over 500 target tests that were done this year, only one rider was found to have broken the rules. Therefore, based on our logic here in Aigle, he is the ringleader of doping efforts for the entire professional peloton for 2011. We are almost certain that he acted alone. Furthermore, the fact that two former riders were found with doping paraphenelia prior to the Tour is of no consequence to cycling. There was zero proof that those products were destined for use by any cyclists of any kind. This has been borne out by the fact that everyone has dropped their inquiries into the status of the “arrests” of both “drug mules.”

With that said, our rationale of the situation calls for only one conclusion. It has to revolve around the one dirty scoundrel that we outed this year. Never mind the fact that the test was one that the AFLD completed for the Tour, and that Kolobnev hadn’t had a Passport Programme test done in the 11 months prior. He’s the one bad apple in the pie that we forked out prior to him tainting the remainder of the pie. I love apple pie. It’s rather tasty. Especially after one wicked hangover.

Our biological passport programme has rendered the numerous individuals involved in the variety of doping rings that have been operating since the late ’80s to reconsider and recant their decades of profits and tainted performances. That single decision by us in Aigle is strategically the most brilliant tool ever created by any sporting organization.  What other rational explanation can be offered up as the poster child for success? This has to be a glowing example that we are bit-by-bit winning the war against doping in cycling.

As Francesca Rossi was allowed to point out at the World Championships on Saturday during her brief appearance in public, we are doing what we now refer to as “Intelligent Testing” in conjunction with our biological passport programme. What does IT stand for? Well I think that the concept is certainly above analysis by the simple folks involved in our sport, so instead, I believe I will just state, in point form, what Intelligent Testing (or IT for short) is NOT, as implied by all the useless bloggers and conspiracy oriented media types:

• IT is NOT a campaign to help the WorldTour teams understand where their riders should be in order to partake in threshold maintenance for systematic doping protocols.
•  IT is NOT a tool to arbitrarily punish those riders who may question our authority, or fall outside our wishes.
• IT is NOT a tool that allows us to extract cooperation of those that can help further our clandestine UCI objective
• IT is NOT a tool that prevents Team Managers from speaking out against what they call ludicrous decisions, like our Tour of Beijing (sorry, Danielson is positive *wink, wink. nudge, nudge*)
• IT is NOT a tool to help us promote certain riders to become our global spokespeople after a miraculous string of wins after years of almost brilliance.

Those are just a few of the many things that this programme is not.

Many high-profile “Oliver Stone” types (yes you, Gerard Vroomen), have cited the fact that we have dropped the amount of BPP (Biological Passport Programme for you dimwits) tests and have questioned why we have done this. You see, with our Index of Suspicion, one of the tools in the Intelligent Testing Umbrella Programme, we have been able to perform more target testing for those that we feel are the more dodgy part of the peloton, which in turn reduces our costs and increases our profit margin. The spectre of being tested has proven to be more than enough of a deterrent to those shifty-eyed dogs of the professional peloton to reconsider their pattern of behaviour.

Welcome aboard, my new friend. Officially.

This leaves us with more money to develop programmes like the certified clothing programme that we are developing after the rousing success of our bicycle certification programme, which will have a new name shortly – “Frame Safe by the UCI.” However, I’m digressing. Let’s just finish this doping success – er anti-doping success –  by saying that we’re winning. Winning. Winning. Winning.

My week in Copenhagen was one of pure joy. It was about igniting a formerly stale cycling nation into an army of Cav Clones, jumping on their bicycles with their aero helmets and one piece skinsuits to decimate the field of a road race with a team time trial. Bradley Wiggins did a better version of Fabian Cancellara. Speaking of Cancellara, how do you like being on a Bruyneel team now, eh? Be prepared for a year of heartache, Fabian, you’ll be the loser in many more photo finishes. *chuckle*

We also were able to begin our work on the athletes commission, which is an exciting proposition, creating a new format to keep the professional peloton in check while giving them the idea that they are “involved.” I was able to express my feelings on the fact that women’s cycling isn’t developed enough at all, and don’t look at me as being the reason for it as I’m just the president of the governing body that may or may not take care of that. You see, we have many other initiatives on the go, and really, women just aren’t a priority right now. However, I did thoroughly enjoy the armada of podium gals in bright red and blonde tones. It was pure joy.

Bruyneel affects the result of Fabianese. *chuckle*

Lastly, Copenhagen saw me begin a new spirit of cooperation with the latest and greatest member of the UCI management committee, Igor Makarov. I welcome him with open arms, and a Teflon vest underneath my shirt from Harrods. Thankfully our detente has led to Tchmil publicly saying, as he did to Alberto Celani last week, that he’s NOT running for the UCI presidency, and that he’s Katusha president. Let’s just say that those profits from the reduction in BPP testing are also being reallocated to another programme related to G6 safety. Just in case.

Somewhere along the way, some of the comments began to strike a chord with many behind the Swiss curtain that is professional cycling. Many of those who are professional riders, support staff, team owners, team managers, journalists, pundits, and avid fans began sending me important information about corruption at the UCI level, the federation level, and the team level to truly show what those in this sport are up against when all they want to do is ride their bike fast and have a good support group help them accomplish their goals.

My real life job affords me travel around various parts of the world, and sometimes allows me to interact with individuals within the sport, meeting face-to-face to truly understand what they are up against in order to get those bicycles on the road. I’ve had numerous phone calls, skype chats, facebook chats, DMs, with those who are considered to be influential in the sport. I am not paid to do this, and in spite of some organizations asking me to be paid to do this “commentary” I’ve resisted and will continue to resist as I feel it’s important to maintain editorial neutrality when discussing what is occurring.

Some people over the past year have attempted to take pot shots as they feel that I have some sort of agenda that hasn’t been revealed. Of course, many have discovered it is tough to take pot shots at someone who is after transparency in the sport from the governance level to the rider level. My “agenda” is one of inclusion for all in the conversation of cycling, rather than exclusion of some to the benefit of the very few. This agenda includes traditional journalists whom I have given information so they may fill in the gaps to many of their stories, as well as to bloggers, the twitterati, and hopefully to the general cycling community.

Many people have sent me emails or messages saying how the jokes or scenarios that I write about are very close to the reality in the sport, or somehow manage to end up being the truth that is uncovered weeks or months after the Dispatch has been written. That’s because mostly everything that is written is based upon true events, relayed to me by insiders in the sport who wish to remain anonymous. I do have to change the circumstance in many cases to protect those who have provided the “leak.” In some cases, the Dispatch contains the entire truth that is to be revealed at a later date publicly by those directly involved.

Our sport is a symptom of the greater malaise in our society. Our society is an overall reflection of those who disseminate their attitudes from the top that are filtered down through the layers of every corporation, sporting governance body, cycling team, or even the local retail store with which you do business.  When you have someone at the top of these organizations – be it the IOC, FIFA, UCI, SportAccord or the like –  who uses their influence for greater personal gain, or takes advantage of or perverts the rules, charters, or mission to benefit those of their choosing (or bend to their whims), it creates an empty feeling in our stomach, reminding us that we are insignificant and cannot make an impact.

There are reasons why the general population looks with satisfaction at companies that take care of their employees: those that are never in the news for massive layoffs during economic tough times; the ones that never look to “merge” to save their own skin while laying off “superfluous” support staff due to the contraction; the ones who do not give up on sponsor searches just because they want one golden sponsor instead of working harder to gain four or five that could do the same job; the ones who ask their staff what improvements can be made on behalf of their “customer” rather than care about the shareholder return only.

We see these examples in cycling – there are teams that we “cheer” for because you see the positive atmosphere from the top down. We see the athletes who show real enthusiasm when they win. These athletes make the effort to congratulate everyone who helped in the win. This same feeling goes to supporting those companies that provide the products for the sport that speak from a genuine enthusiasm as well, from folks like Campagnolo who still have their production in Italy, to Rapha, a firm affectionately parodied for their slick marketing efforts – but with beautiful and functional products from the heart, or to bicycle manufacturers like Look who refuse to succumb to mass-produced Asian carbon frames for the cycling masses.

We see this at the races this year, where folks like Brad Wiggins go out of their way to congratulate gents like a beaming Cobo who slogged out a Sky two-punch for a Grand Tour win. We poke fun at the camaraderie that is Andy Schleck and Alberto Contador who duke it out on the bikes, and yet joke with each other like brothers off. We see it when an entire cycling community rallies around the tragic deaths that have occurred this year, or when one of our own (whom many of us have even never met) is diagnosed with cancer and we rally to give him support.

John Galloway, who is known as @sofaboy on twitter, is the reason why I’m here and doing what I’m doing. He’s the one who inspired me to take the challenge beyond the twitter drivel and try to make a difference in 1000 words or fewer; this quickly ballooned to 1200 words, and then sometimes up to 1400 words. Thank Christ for editors like @cycletard who help me try to tame the madness. Galloway is also the reason why this Dispatch is a departure from the usual mucky muck to something a little more direct and stripped down.  He made some very interesting comments in his blog yesterday, that triggered this Dispatch.

You see, John’s right. There has been a shift in cycling in spite of those attempting to control it from above. The sport is cleaner. The performances are more believable. This is not due to some edict from the UCI, but a shift in attitudes by those coming up in the ranks of the sport who watched their heroes die from doping complications, or deal with the emotional skeletons associated with doping.  Unless you are a total sociopath (naming zero names), there is a guilt trigger that kicks in once you begin “breaking the rules” that manifests itself either in behaviour, or addictions, or other coping mechanisms. No matter how much those in power wish to root out this response from the athlete, it’s impossible, unless you turn them into – as Neil Browne joked last week – Zombies.

However, this movement towards a cleaner sport is in spite of the attempts by the UCI to wrest total control away from the various stakeholders throughout the world of cycling. This isn’t some insiduous “Galactic Empire” plan by Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid with designs on a “Death Star” to destroy all that oppose them. After all, in some bizarre fashion they truly do believe they are doing what is best for the sport – consolidation and control. Unfortunately, they have this attitude of “what’s in it for me,” which is the reason why we have some of these strange happenings that counter the aim, rules, and directives of the governing body. Read my past Dispatches here on Cyclismas for more specifics on that.

Consolidation and control means that they who make the rules feel that they are superior to those who are subjected to the rules. Therefore, less transparency means more control, fewer questions, and a “superior” sporting experience. It’s this sort of attitude that has killed many teams in the sport, and many manufacturers in the sport, and many races. When you focus on the end result rather than the process that achieves the end result, you end up with the wrong end result.

It is time to focus the attention away from the athletes, and stop wondering if they’re clean or dirty. Give them support instead scepticism. Instead, focus your questions on the governing body that seems to be at the centre of almost every controversy, not because they are the governing body, but because their fingerprints are all over whatever carcass happens to be offered up to the mainstream media.

The more we shine the light where it belongs, the more comfortable those who have suffered in silence will feel able to come forward and tell their stories. Lord knows they need to keep coming in an avalanche.

Question authority. It may be uncomfortable at first, but you’ll be rewarded with the results.

This is my throne. This is my sport.

Take, for example, this carbon road frame business. Firstly, I should have never agreed to that daft public relations firm and their idea of bringing industry journalists to Aigle for wining, dining, hugging, and air kissing. It never fooking works. And I was right.  After Carlton Reid of bikebiz.com posted an article where my quotes were not subjected to the usual whitewashing (as best he can, in most cases) by Enrico Carpani, I received a letter of rebuke from the World Federation of the Sporting Goods Industry. It’s not often that I receive a letter from the federation with the longest fooking name (must have the same PR firm as the Tour of Colorado), let alone under these circumstances.

To quote Reid’s article (which can be found here; if you’d like to see where the “gaffe” was made, here’s the video from Reid’s visit )

“Safety is the number one priority [for bike companies],” said Kock. “We want to help the UCI understand the issues. Pat McQuaid gave the impression that we as an industry made a lot of mistakes. Those comments were misplaced. The way the issue was raised was the wrong way.”

Look, we all know that most of the bike manufacturers have their frames produced in China, Taiwan, or Korea. It’s common knowledge that these frames cost anywhere from 250 euros or under, if not, the production would still be located domestically near the corporate offices of all these bicycle “manufacturers.” We also know that it is also common knowledge that if the frames are painted and assembled in the EU, they can “skirt” the “made in China” label as far as EU regulations are concerned. Of course, all the money is in the paint jobs and finish coats that these bicycles go through, hence why that 250 euro frame sells to some gobshite dentist for 5000 euros.

Any guesses which bicycle company this is?

So I say to Mr. Reid and to Robbert de Kock (yes, it’s his real name) of WFSGI, “I’m sorry for saying that the frames cost 50 euros — it should have been 250 euros. And of course they are of a very high quality (until one out of the thousands of frames produced snaps during a race, then everyone has a fit); Asia is known for producing some of the best quality products that are exported the world over. Hence why we want bike races in Asia, so those workers can spend all their heavily cash-lined pockets on exciting races like the Tour of Beijing.”

Speaking of the Tour of Beijing, yes, yes, I’ve kissed and made up with the AIGCP. It wasn’t easy. That Jonathan Vaughters is one smart and crafty individual. And he talks. Forever. After six hours in the car with him, I think I would have agreed to pay for his next home in Spain no questions asked.  The worst part about my day-long adventure is the fact that it happened on the day at the Tour of Colorado (presented by some Tea Party Promises or something) when the riders went down over the cattle guard, and one poor rider ended up with serious injuries in an American hospital.  I think they cleaned out his wallet before they cleaned out his injuries.

What could be the absolute worst scenario to happen when you’re in a team car of the man who is insisting that race radios are an absolute necessity for safety reasons? Right. The next two hours were the most painful I’ve ever experienced. Even more than that saddle sore I had back in Ireland during my infamous training ride with Sean in ’78. Made Boonen’s zitvlak look like a hang nail. I had no choice but to acquiesce to Vaughters on the radio issue, as he was correct in his assertion that radios would have probably saved those riders from being injured.

However, my argument about the organizers not taking route planning seriously and in detail as a rebuttal to his radio argument opened another can of worms, as he then brought up the Tour of Beijing, which I alluded to earlier. I just couldn’t fooking win on that day. It was as if the Karma gods had lined up against me on behalf of the unruly unshaven one. The worst part about the conversation is that I couldn’t escape, and Vaughters was a dog on a bone.

The three of us look good here (Rumpf is in the middle as always)

Firstly, he gave me a hard time about threatening to yank the team’s pro licences if they didn’t show in Beijing. Then, he gave me more difficulty about the fact that Alain and Rocco were calling sponsors directly to put pressure on the team owners. In fact we pushed so hard that Radio Shack pulled out of cycling completely. Oopsie.

What else could I do? He had me in corner. Not only did I agree to radios being in for 2012, and to reconsider the “commission” that I formed to give appearances that we were really evaluating the radio issue, but I also conceded to pay the teams through Global Cycling Promotions for their agreement to show up in masse on the start line. Vaughters asked me to allow Harold, Ricardo, and Trey to negotiate the terms of the payment – I’d had enough in the car so I capitulated; poor Rumpf now has to deal with this mess (and negotiate with those three) and he’s not going to be happy about the fact that some of our profits from this race won’t go into our pockets, but instead will be heading the teams’ way. Ah, you win some you lose some…

Speaking of winning some and losing some, at least the UCI has acquired an internet “news” outlet in the form of Sietse Schelpe and his “RockyRoads Network,” which is probably an apt name for the venture (link to the deal here). Since no one really follows the MTB business worldwide, it’s our position to see how we can utilize our disinformation plan in a smaller venue before taking it large-scale with www.cyclingnews.com. I understand those folks had a great time with Global Cycling Promotion in China; it’s bought us some fooking goodwill so far *chuckle* and should show the full benefits as we move on a going-forward basis.

Always scheming, is Bruyneel.

Lastly, while on the topic of disinformation, anyone who buys the rumour that L’Equipe published today should be shown the door from cycling to a more simple pursuit, like American baseball. I’m sure Johan is laughing his arse off that he pulled an early September April Fool’s joke on that media outlet. Leopard-Trek done at the end of September? It’s all completely ludicrous.

Or is it?

This is my throne. This is my sport.

All the efforts, all the planning, all the crumbs for the dirty little masses to fight over, culminating in one life-changing event that occurred this past Sunday when I was a VIP guest – the grand poobah of cycling, the ultimate authority of everything two-wheeled – at the Olympic Test Event won by the home side.

I was booed.

Booed. Repeatedly.

But that wasn’t what shook me to the core. No, it was the fact that one of the little urchins scuffed my favourite pair of Hugo Boss black leather loafers. The 20-something punter had obviously had one too many pints of some cheap, sleazy lager and chose to “accidentally” back into me, and with the heel of his filthy Adidas hightops scuffed a large white mark across the side of MY loafer. Fooking twat.

It is events like this that make me blood boil red hot red. Red. Hot. Blood. It’s part of my motivation to close the circuits and eliminate these ridiculous drunken arseholes from the equation. This also led me to make my decision to head across the puddle and take in the USA-Pro-Cycling-Challenge-in-spite-of-the-fact-that-it-really-isn’t-a-challenge-and-has-even-less-to-do-with-the-entire-country-but-we-had-nothing-else-to-name-it-race for a little R&R before I have to deal with the unwashed masses again in Spain for that Vuelta business.

You see, the Americans really have the formula correct. Sure, they spend so much fooking time in their cars and really just think of bicycles like they think of that Frogger game that my oldest boy used to play back in the day – bicycles and riders are for squishing, bumping and rubbing, and ridiculing. However, they are brilliant at marketing a truly NOTHING event into the greatest thing since sliced bread.  They also recognize that it is important to separate the commoners from the millionaire money-grubbing elite that have lunched on the 300 or so million poor souls in that country since around 1981. However that’s politics, and I really don’t give two shites (or three) about that.

Take, for instance, the tripe that they blew on this very fancy and spectacular website which they probably paid way too much for:

The #1 Most Influential Athlete? Really?

“128 of the Gutsiest Riders.” “The #1 Most Influential Athlete.” “The most demanding race on American Soil.”  Testimonials from Ryder Hesjedal and George Hincapie. I’m waiting for the stereotypical used car salesperson to come out and do the hard sell on me.  After looking at this blatant attempt to try to sway the general public by basically saying “Like me! Really! Please! Like me! I had to buy my friends to put on this show!” This isn’t the best way to try to capture the imagination of the hardcore cycling fan, who really doesn’t have time to even attend the race, since according to the ever knowledgeable Chris Carmichael and TrainRight, the American yuppie/semi-professional athlete is too time crunched to train and is forced to do yoga and workouts in their hotel room in order to gain a chance to dominate that next Category 5 race that they pulled up to in their Audi A6, while riding on the latest $10,000 Pinarello Dogma.

No, the reason why I made the decision to check out this ridiculous race that will probably die a slow and painful death between October of this year and January of next year, was my lovely assistant, Bhon Mhat, showing me their foresight to take care of “uber riche” individuals like me. It’s a lovely acronym. Fooking brilliant little play on their part.

VIP.

Oh yes, you can entertain your business associates in private rooms, and mingle with the stars of the event at the event and enjoy a complimentary continental breakfast with juice and coffee for your thousands of dollars you just shelled out for an exclusive experience. That was a bonus for me. No more cruddy little nose pickers hanging around unattended and touching their heroes like we do in Europe. No sir, only the exclusives get to socialize with cycling’s elite.

Ah, the Thug Life of the Elite.

No more punters scuffing my Hugo Boss Loafers.

Needless to say, I’m quite excited about heading over to the wrong side of the pond. In fact, I feel so safe attending this cute little six-stage romp in Colorado, I plan on pulling my Ferragamo Derbys out. That’ll make Bhon’s day; he hates having to polish the damn buckles, but I have to have the silver parts shiny and sparkly.

Do I care who wins? Not really. Maybe I’ll even stop by and see what Aspen’s finest eating establishments have to offer, rather than ride the stupid bike that USA Cycling has “built” to my specifications. Whatever. For those of you with short attention spans, and who lack of depth in your cranial capacity, you can now move onto your gossipy tabloids or return to your ridiculous twatter about how tight Tom Danielson’s bottom looks in his PRPS jeans.

Right.

Our media experts say that market research shows we need to include a JV photo... *eyeroll*

According to “market research” done by the “wonderful” pinheads at this website locale, apparently the feedback has been that once I approach 1000 words the vast majority of you fall asleep. The other part is that sometimes my diatribes are so in-depth, and so mind bogglingly complex that your simple brains can’t comprehend exactly what the hell I’m getting at. So here’s some Cliff Notes for you stupid gits who can’t seem to get out of your own way long enough to figure out the plot. Alright then, let’s summarize the finer points from the past few weeks:

• Global Cycling Promotion SA is a company that was founded using UCI money in order to directly profit five individuals who are associated with the UCI, including yours truly.
• Global Cycling Promotions will receive direct profits from the Tour of Beijing, as they are the umbrella organization that is in charge of this event.
• Alan Rushton, one of my close associates, has been hired to provide technical support for the Tour of Beijing.
• Gerard Vroomen (he founded Cervélo) was correct in his assessment that Biological Passport test numbers are significantly down in 2010 and also in 2011.
• There is a disparity between which teams are tested, and how frequently they are tested.
• Some riders have significant gaps in between their tests (some riders have had six months between tests)
• Riders are not told if they are being tested for the Biological Passport Programme or if they are being subjected to a random test.
• Teams were supposed to receive the biological passport results every quarter according to Anne Gripper, but according to four separate teams, they only receive them once a year.

There’s your short recap of the last two Dispatches you twats. Now I can get those damned editorial people off my back. For those of you outside Europe (or located in the United States), you have now exceeded your attention span limit. Go stuff your faces with some Twinkies.

So, an actually important race starts this Saturday for the rest of the world outside of the United States. We know that Catherine Wiggins’ husband has spent oodles of time preparing for this event, after his disastrous turn at the Tour de France. In fact, Catherine was complaining on twitter earlier this week about how her husband’s preparation would fuse the electrics in the main house (for those of you curious, there has been a restraining order issued by the authorities on behalf of Catherine Wiggins’ husband. I am no longer allowed to directly reference him in my Dispatches under threat of imprisonment or a light slap on the wrist with a silk handkerchief).

Heat Chamber preparation?

His preparation? A heat chamber. Yes, in order to deal more effectively with that sultry Spanish weather, the ever-industrious husband of Catherine Wiggins constructed a Temperature Acclimation Chamber to prevent the lowering of his socks at any point during the race.

In fact, neighbours state that they were concerned when he started to wheelbarrow mud, sand, and lumber into the TAC, and began working around the clock, building some sort of scale model of something.

Angliru.

In a scene straight out of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Catherine Wiggins’ husband, whilst listening to a steady stream of Oasis (driving any sane human mad), constructed a scale model of Angliru right there in his glorious TAC.

After two weeks and numerous neighbourhood complaints, Mr. Catherine Wiggins strolled out of the TAC, tranquillo.

Greg Henderson, brought in to survey the situation after many desparate phone calls from the queen of the manor, met his team leader in the back yard.

They paused.

Their eyes locked.

No one moved for several minutes. You could hear a bottle cage hex nut hit the grass it was so quiet.

Catherine Wiggins’ husband finally spoke. “I will win on Angliru.” He walked around Henderson, touched him briefly on the shoulder, and went to the corner pub for a pint.

Mr. Catherine Wiggins crafting his Angliru.

Henderson walked into the shed, and after being overwhelmed initially by the darkness, the smell, and the whirring sound of the heating apparatus, he focused on the architecturally scaled, authentic reproduction of the hallowed mountain. And on top, was a single solitary rouleur figure, arms aloft, painted intricately in Sky team colours. Yes, Mr. Catherine Wiggins is going to win the Vuelta.

Now, Bhon, story time is done. I’ve wrapped up the Vuelta Dispatch, have my notes for the Hotstove, and I’m ready for bed. Have you finished packing my suitcases for the puddle jump?  Yes, yes, I know you think that four bags is excessive for a few days, but the last thing I want to do is show up to VIP tent only to find that Kevin Costner is wearing the same blazer that I am.

This is my throne. This is my sport.

The efforts that I have personally made in order to give the fans of the sport the illusion that the peloton is clean came to a beautiful climax on Thursday, where the ingredients to our recipe coagulated on the highest conclusion of any Tour stage on the legendary slopes of Galibier.

The face French housewives dream to see

Voeckler, the reluctant champion, choice of housewives all over France, gasping for air at the finish, channeling the spirit of Jean Francois Bernard on Ventoux, or Stephen Roche at the conclusion of any stage was the image of the day. The sight of Cadel Evans at the base of the climb throwing down the gauntlet to the pretenders to the Tour throne only needed a Pantani bandana to be tossed off his melon as he accelerated out of the saddle. There was Andy, who silently prayed for the finish line with 200 metres to go, while Frank took advantage of a tired Evans, and showed a clever hand by SmartOPard™ (thank you @Vaughters).

Yes, we saw glimmers of these performances in the last two editions of the Giro, but none featured the face of Contador saying “No mas.”

We in Aigle are in our glory. The scourge of the cheats has given way to glorious pain and suffering. Finally. Our plans, in conjunction with the ASO, have given us the sporting spectacle we have wished for since Verbruggen and Armstrong went out to pasture, thank Jaysus Christ.

This has been all due to the fact that the ASO does an amazing job of administering terristrial video rights for the Tour. They manage them better than most entities on the planet, hence the sporting event is viewed by more people around the world than any other. Yes, we tried to get our hand in that cookie jar a couple of years back, which almost precipitated a cycling civil war of decimating proportions. Alright, alright, I went about empire building the wrong way.

"Not happy with Vaughters Comments" Cold Blue Steel Look.

Rule #1 about dealing with the ASO –DON’T TRY TO FOOK WITH THEIR TV EMPIRE.  They will bitch slap any takers harder than China has spanked Obama economically.

It took me relocating Verbruggen from the management committee to his SportAccord ivory tower to atone for that rookie blunder of mine. Thankfully, after I truly realized how much reach these Frenchy Frenchies have in the world of cycling, I thought it best to make the peace and build events for them to run. Worked like clockwork so far.

However, while on this subject, lo and behold, what do I read Tuesday via our friends at www.cyclingnews.com? Vaughters on Revenue Sharing. And to quote our illustrious and well-read friend, who spoke with Cyclingnews.com:

Cycling is one of a few professional sports where the athletes aren’t part of the revenue sharing of television rights. The business model for teams has got to change in order for the sport to change and become successful in the long term and that means the teams becoming partners with the race organiser and not necessarily just their minions.

There is a certain responsibility required when you are in a position of authority that states unless you are drunk on Guinness or Whiskey, throwing around glib socialistic-style quotes (even though you are in France and really feeling that Voltairian leftist influence) isn’t necessarily the best career choice by a team owner.

Does that article make the sponsors backing the WorldTour Teams warm and fuzzy? No! It says to me as a big shot, “Hey thanks for giving me millions of euros and believing my pitch on the long-term viability of my venture to bring a public relations windfall to your firm, but hey, unless I get a 10 million euro cash ejection Hail Mary from the Lords of the Tour, you just wasted your fooking money.”

The Good Old Days.

You see, while you would THINK that those quotes would be soothing to your sponsors, it’s not. It just makes them think that you’re a crack whore with a methadone addiction who’s looking for another hit, and blames the system for the addiction while failing to take responsibility for the fact that you caused yourself to be a crack whore.

Still not seeing it? Pretend that you go to the bank saying that you need a loan to buy a house. In the process of acquiring that loan, the bank asks your income, and then asks you to estimate the utilities for the home. In an effort to confirm your loan, you fudge a little on the income part, and you outright lowball the utilities. Then once you’re in the home, your salary goes down and the utilities go up. So you go to the bank looking for help to pay the utilities, and they (the bank) look at you like your a fooking two-headed alien love child, and you can’t understand why.

Everyone has tried to compare models in the sporting world to cycling, but my beloved sport defies that comparison, as major team sports and their models have evolved in a very different manner from professional cycling. What everyone forgets is that the nature of the sport is very nomadic and unstable. It has been this way since the beginning of time in cycling.

In fact, riders ARE the minions of the ASO, and have been since 1905. They are interchangeable, the are replaceable. The beauty of cycling is no one really cares how fast these blokes finish the stage, they are more interested in the battles and the spectacles that occur between the stage start and finish. Anyone actually care how fast it takes them to a finish a stage? I certainly don’t give two shites. Or three. So, we could throw some amateur French lads in there to duke it out, and many will just not give a flying crap that Contador isn’t there (well they’d probably be pretty fooking happy at this point).

The Good Old Minion Days

The prime example of this is the French housewife hysteria around Thomas Voeckler. Best. Thing. For. The. Tour. In. A. Very. Long. Time.  You see, the Professional Cycling business probably most closely models that of the entertainment industry. Think of the professional cyclists as the ensemble cast of a television program. Think of the producer of the show as the equivalent of a team owner, and the network purchasing the show as the ASO. Producers can browbeat the talent to conform to the wishes of the network, the network can offer up concessions or pay raises to those working in the cast, but unless the talent collectively rises up to say “fook off” to the network, it ain’t happening, no matter how hard the producer may try.

I like to use US television programmes as this benchmark, because they’re all fooking crazy. Like Charlie Sheen. Good Example of a “talent” failing to understand the reality of his situation, and finding himself outside the “team” and also outside the “network.”

Or an example of a positive effort to force revenue sharing upon a network was the collective work of the ensemble cast of Friends. They determined their entire careers, agreeing to be paid the same throughout the years, standing by Matthew Perry and his drug issues, and ultimately deciding when they were done, in spite of the network’s pleas for one more year. This means that I’m coming back to the same conclusion I always do: the “producer” (i.e., Vaughters) can whinge as much as he likes about what the “network” (ASO) is doing, but until the “talent” (pro peloton) gets off their arses and collectively barks, we will have the status quo.

So what am I trying to say? The ASO taint going to fooking share their money unless they are given a very fooking good reason to do so. Don’t look at me to fight that battle, because it got me absolutely nowhere.

@theJensie modeling the big fussy fuss – the little radio.

Speaking of the ASO and the UCI, did you like how we outmaneuvered the AIGCP on the race radio walk-out/protest/pout for the Tour of Beijing? Do you like how I brought in Verbruggen to stall off Vaughters long enough so I could finish my negotiations with the ASO and hand them the Tour of Beijing on a silver platter? Sorry JV, best of luck trying to line up the ASO on anything, and you should always know that I have an endgame and a long-game that is being played, and our two organizations are pretty much thick as thieves now.

Speaking of thick as thieves, anyone cast any money on a Basso/Evans alliance for Alpe d’Huez? Anyone? Evans still has several cards to play, so be careful jumping on that Schleck bandwagon, lest you forget what happened to Laurent Fignon in Paris back in ’89. Vive Le Tour.

This is my throne. This is my sport.

Monday, however was an unfortunate day for me. I alluded to this on twitter; we had our usual Rest Day conference call to determine who was going to be the designated sacrificial lamb. The trouble was that for some reason we just couldn’t find any adverse analytical findings of any kind. It’s almost as if these boys are actually believing our “party line” and are truly racing clean. Well, clean is relative, because we all know that doping to the limits is really what’s happening, but alas, that’s for another time.

Sorry we goofed... enjoy the gift basket....

My first mistake was the fact that Vittorio Adorni was physically present in the suite for this one. We set up our massive roulette wheel in the penthouse, let the ball roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll (Adorni let a big push fly, rotten bugger) roll, roll, roll, and roll. Once it dropped, there it was – Fofonov. But just like a giant game of Clue, we needed to establish what the adverse finding was. Too large of a product would overshadow our work, and as the Index of Suspicion demonstrated, we couldn’t go for the HGH or the EPO, it had to be something slightly hinting at “potential” doping instead of outright guilt.

I mean, we really learnt our lesson on this Contador business. The fact that the entire nation of France has been booing him is surprising; considering that the French hate the UCI as much as they do the United States, we figured he would have turned into a cult hero. I’ll take the win.

Back to Fofonov. Bhon had a simple job to do. Leak the information to the press, ensure that the Astana team didn’t hear first, and then release the press statement afterwards. Somewhere along the way, the combination of Adorni succumbing to narcolepsy and Bhon doing body shots with the gents of Europcar turned everything into a complete disaster. Fofonov became, sigh, Kolobnev.

For those of you not really sure of the implications of this focking big brutal slip, let me catch you up quickly (I’ve covered this business in detail in a previous Dispatch):

• Katusha is owned by Itera.
• Itera are the Russian mafiosi of the gas business. Mafiosi, literally.
• Makarov owns Itera and therefore owns Katusha.
• Makarov is now my fellow UCI Management Committee member as of this spring (shocking, I know).
• Makarov once tried to allegedly bribe a US Senator through the Senator’s daughter
• Makarov gave a multi-million dollar yacht to a President of one of the Soviet ‘stans.

I think you catch my drift here. Makarov is the money and the muscle behind the throne I occupy. He also plays a mean game of Jai Alai.

Makarov's interview for Forbes Mafia King of the Year Special

Needless to say, the fact that one of his prized gents ended up on the losing end of a “doping control” caused me massive amounts of grief. You know that feeling when you’re standing in the supermarket and some guy who saw you pishing on a lawn the night before stares at you not sure what to say? Take that feeling times one thousand when I saw that Carpani, through Bhon, released the name of Kolobnev to the press.

It only took 2 hours for the Land Rovers to show up at the hotel.  I’m a little surprised that they’ve gone with the Evoques though. They just don’t carry the same intimidation factor as the traditional Range Rover Supercharged HSE’s wield. Sure they’re new, they are nifty, and they have some wonderful features, but it would be like Patton showing up to the battlefront on a … bicycle.

So the conversation went something like this:

“Pat, we are very very unhappy.”

“I understand, Dmitri. I blame Adorni.”

“Are you throwing him under the bus on this one?”

“I charged him with ensuring the correct name was leaked to the press. It was supposed to be Fofonov. I think he just got a little confused by all the Russians that are here at the Tour. He made some crack about the names all blending together.”

“Hm. He said that?”

“He’s having his mid-morning pre-nap nap right now – you can wake him and see what he says, if you’d like.”

“No, no. The old man needs his sleep. Makarov has a soft spot for the champion. At least he didn’t pull out Karpets. We had to do enough fucking spin control over his temper tantrum yesterday.”

“So what’s the plan?”

“You will make your usual comments to the press. We will be “asking” Kolobnev to voluntarily leave the Tour, take a little vacation and you’re going to make sure that this is all swept aside before the Vuelta.”

“Shall I send him a gift basket as an apology?”

“Please do, make sure it has those lovely mini-muffins in it. He really likes those.”

Thankfully, Makarov still believes that I’m going to step aside after the next term for him to assume the UCI presidency – it’s satisfying his Leninist leanings.

So, there I was, sweating bullets, hoping for none penetrating my person, when a “Gift from God” fell from the heavens. Good fortune always smiles on the rich and semi-evil. So, what was this lottery-winning ticket that pushed aside this Kolobnev mistake of mine?

Ah yes, Roger Smith. Wait, no. Steve Smith? No. Bob Smith? What’s that Bhon? Right. Michael Smith.

Michael Smith. Open mouth and insert size 14 or whatever model shoe he wears. Pick any other year, any other time, and maybe being “funny” might have led the cycling community to collective sigh, a “meh.” But no, after the tragedies we have all witnessed this year, it turned into what happens when you mix General Tsao chicken with tequila – a big focking mess. (Anyone like the new “fock?” thank Feargal for that one)

Michael Smith in happier times, channeling "Serious Nelly."

I even had to wade into the war after the big brawny ham-fisted ESPN bobblehead wouldn’t back down and tried to attempt humour at the expense of our fellow snark mafia. Thankfully, and we’ll see, certain elements at the almost sort-of top of ESPN are going to pay penance for their mistreatment of our cycling tragedies and almost tragedies. Ssssh, just don’t tell them that we really didn’t like Hoogerland too much until he ran into the pole…

Speaking of running into poles, I wonder if my former friend Johan Bruyneel is wishing for a do-over of 2011 from the Giro rest day until today? I mean, I really don’t think that Klöden is going to make it past Saturday. (Ed. note: Klöden abandoned early in the stage on Friday.)

Hence the reason for the Breathalyzer... taunting Fofonov.

This is what happens when you mess with the Karma gods. Like Lance last year, sometimes if you poke the dog too much, too much, too much, you’re going to get your focking hand bitten off. Well, Bruyneel has had his hand, forearm, elbow, shoulder, and the other hand, forearm, elbow, shoulder bitten off. Now I think the jugular is a little exposed.

I don’t like to crow over the suffering by the boys riding for Jabba the Bruyneel; you can’t fault them for following along blindly into battle like the stormtrooper clones in those sci-fi movies that my youngest boy watches way too much. However, I can’t but help laugh with glee that his biggest showcase for his team has turned disastrous. I hope he doesn’t lose his sponsors over it. Lord knows how he managed to snow them with the “I’m great, I made Lance” bullshite, but hey, PT Barnum made a career out of it.

The consummate family man, Basso, deserves this Tour. Slainte!

Still, the breathalyser test was definitely the icing on my cake. Even though it was a negative, surprisingly, it’ll still come in handy when we yank their WorldTour status out from under them in October.

So what about this race business? Best tour in a long time. Drama. Grit. Controversy. Hot women. Bentleys. Snoop Dogg. And I’m still hoping for some Basso and Evans fireworks to put some meat into the grinder prior to us popping someone in a week’s time for something truly nefarious.

This is my throne. This is my sport.

Now before all of you get excited and start pulling up your chairs hoping for me to start discussing the parcours, who will beat Contador, or who will win the key stages – this is not what I mean whatsoever. No, I’m describing the media circus that I create with the attention of 900 million viewers upon the sport.

Didi and the Tour two of my Top Ten Things.

Yes, we usually begin with soft rollouts – allow certain teams to “leak” information of which riders are supposedly moving to which team, then move to the creation of some sort of antagonistic relationship with someone. Last year it was the AFLD. This year we’ve decided to give the bureaucrats a break and turn our focus to the media. And who better than to pick on but those rotten good-for-nothing Germans who have the Pelotas to have a so-called “Anti-doping team” for a TV channel? Seriously.
I may be guilty of putting enough hot lead into the media carcass to the point that the carcass is nothing but a 3000 tonne pile of bullets. I’m tired of these fooking media shites running to and fro, alternating between fooking whining about “the dopers, the dopers” and “the evil bureaucracy.” Since when have you leeches become judge, jury and executioner? When did we actually start giving a shite about your simple-minded opinions? You are supposed to be paid automatons that cover the sport. Impartial. Whether it’s good or bad, it makes no difference.
Frankly, based on many of your performances where you think that you are as important as the athlete you are interviewing, by even making references to your bike skills “off the bike,” by vaulting through airports, crowing about how your “interval” training gave you an “edge” in making a flight, means that maybe an inanimate object in your possession may just be a better journalist than you.
Now then, let’s get to some real work here. I mean, I wouldn’t be doing the proper job from the throne if I didn’t give you some well-seasoned words of advice. Would you like a few tips on shite-detecting from me? When you’re interviewing people and you want to know if they are LYING, try following along with me with these simple steps:

The Detecting Who Is a Fooking Liar’s Guidebook:

A. Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body as the liar takes up less space.

B. A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.

It's a non-eye contact stand off.

C. Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Goes without saying

D. Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awestruck) instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Textbook

E. A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

The Deny Defense

F. A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

King of Pain

G. A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.

This is not at all awkward, eh Mr. Wilcockson?

Alright, does this help a little, journalism wannabees? If you see any of these signs, you may want to ask additional PROBING questions.
Since the above isn’t occurring, I take exception when all this turns either into a happy wankfest like we suffered through with Lance, to the German’s extreme of finding every single shred of partial needles sticking in a broadloom carpet from 1976. Where the hell is the balance? Why do I have to keep telling you lemmings how to do your bloody jobs? Most importantly what the fook is wrong with all you publishers/editors who seem more interested in hiring PR/Marketing grads rather than true journalists? I mean, Stokes, Benson and Farrand are starting to feel pretty lonely these days.

Still upset that McEwen is absent....

Speaking of lonely, it seems that that interesting and eccentric James Stout has received some notoriety these days, especially after his expose on the fickle nature of the peloton. Only in the puritanical United States would some team paper pusher attempt to kill a contract over a penis t-shirt. Of course, the word “penis” is a pretty sensitive subject due to that Representative from the state of New York. As I told James, I think “Dick” would have slipped under the radar.
Suffice to say, I believe we have a little more work to do to ensure that the riders have a wee bit more protection – while many may say there are two sides to every story and will attempt to work both sides of the aisle, where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire. Stout’s assertions, however clouded by a potentially questionable format, have strong validity, and should be pursued to their conclusion. I recommend reading this link http://www.newcyclingpathway.com/news/blog/the-global-mission-of-team-type-1-and-the-ethics-of-managing-a-team in order to truly see the “Full Monty” of the situation.
However, I digress.
Where was I? Oh yes. Doping and the Tour de France. My favourite time of year. It’s like Christmas in a cup. Or a Guinness. Or a big Chewbacca fur coat being worn by Floyd Landis in an Outside Magazine interview. I’m quite envious of Floyd’s impersonation of Vin Diesel in that furryesque planetoid in the accompanying photo. Well, at least @neilroad didn’t ruin the article. This is the subject that has all the media wringing their hands more than Sally Field on the stage acccepting an Oscar. No, not the fur coat you gits; the subject I’m discussing is the Tour de France and Doping.
We’ve again inked a deal with the AFLD to cover the field, as we’ve been accused of ignoring the highest-rated riders in our Index of Suspicion Hit List. Yes, we have 9′s and 10′s, and yes they never were tested, but it does take several letters, emails, and committees to make those decisions when I’m somewhere in China/South America devising more ways to line my pockets — er help raise the profile of cycling throughout the world.
We’ve got 500 or so shots to find someone guilty. Sure, we primarily focused on the biological passport programme testing, but only because I really doubt anyone would even think about dosing themselves with any EPO-related products these days after the debacles dating back to 2006. Nevermind that many investigations are still open and pending, like Jan Ullrich, but remember, we’re all about raising the profile of our hallowed sport any way we can. But enough about this dopage business; I’m sure all of you would prefer to read the analysis of how someone is going to use their defensive skills to somehow magically beat Contador to the Champs.

Sacrificial Lamb for Petacchi?

No, just because in the coming seven days we’re going to read more of the following as we get closer to Stage 1: major players falling afoul of the biological passport programme; some Tour Contender will make an inappropriate comment or two about their fellow rider; I might make a statement or two about certain teams having difficulty renewing their WorldTour Status; Italians will be whining about everything under the sun; WADA will be whining about our latest accusations; Floyd will make some sort of defamatory statement about something related to Lance, God love ‘em. I know I do.
So to wrap things up, if this sounds like another fooking broken record to those of you who read on a regular basis (that means you @broomwagonblog who hasn’t posted anything new since February while I’ve churned out 16 straight weeks of columns) then I have one suggestion for you: This is my finger, and that’s the door.