They haven’t been separated for long – but already both Bernie Eisel and Mark Cavendish are reminding each other just what their former partner is missing out on in the flat, sandy, and nondescript Tour of Qatar.

While the tall, chiselled Eisel beat out Cav in the battle for crumbs in the opening stage of the race through the flat, sandy and nondescript Qatar desert, the bespectacled mini Clark Kent lookalike from the Isle of Man showed his extinguished Austrian flame that he was still the boss with convincing solo sprint win on Tuesday’s stage three and Wednesday’s stage four through the flat, sandy and nondescript Qatar desert.

A glum Cav and Bernie knew their love couldn’t last forever

The two companions split up during the winter when Cavendish accepted a job overseas in Belgium. After painful talks, Bernie decided reluctantly (for the two shared a very special connection) that he wasn’t prepared to make the move himself. The Austrian powerhouse was content with his current role working in the distribution and delivery arm of UK-based media giant Sky Corp – and the offer of employment for a split role divided between a Brussels pharmaceuticals giant and a laminate flooring manufacturer just did not cut the mustard.

A tender moment between Bernie and Cav in happier times

“It wasn’t easy,” Eisel told media when quizzed about the much-publicised split during the recent Tour Down Under in Adelaide. “It definitely wasn’t easy,” he added, a salty glaze appearing across those piercing, nutty green eyes of his.

“I think it will take us some time. I think the first real test will be in Qatar when we race each other. That’s going to be strange. He’s going to be in my way. I’m going to be in his way. He’s still one of my best friends,” said Eisel in his inimitable Austr(al)ian accent (shall we call it Teutonicaroo? Or perhaps Austratonic?).

Well, Bernie was right. In stage one of the Middle East’s premier stage race – which can be pretty much summed up as cycling in an overly large golf (or gulf) bunker – Eisel was very much in Cavendish’s way; so much, in fact, that his former lead-out man actually pipped him to the line, Eisel taking fourth and Cavendish sixth, after the big sprinters were denied by breakaway Brent Bookwalter (BMC) and his two Swiss cronies, Martin Elmiger (IAM Cycling) and Gregory Rast (RadioShack-Trek).

Eisel had also previously explained how he and Cavendish had grown apart; how their close bond had unravelled after being probed and explored as far as it could, with Eisel becoming very much the passive ‘bear’ of the relationship, his input somewhat under-appreciated and taken for granted.

“At the beginning he was like my little brother,” Eisel told Cyclismas’ own older-yet-straighter-edged sibling, Cyclingnews. “I could teach him things and he taught me a lot, too, but over the last two years I realised I couldn’t teach him anything anymore. He’s ready. But I still miss him. I miss his reactions. It’s like being with family; you know how he’s going to react.”

Brian Holm, who worked with the pair at HTC and who is now reunited with his protegé Cav at Omega Pharma-Quick Step, is confident his star rider will be able to move on by keeping busy, working hard and mixing “with the Belgians” (although this may be some kind of euphemism for something involving copious swathes of mayonnaise).

Cav is desperately seeking a new BFF

“Replacing Eisel doesn’t happen overnight,” said agony uncle Holm. “At the end of the year, he’s going to have a new best friend. It’s like breaking up with a girlfriend – you find a new one. Bernie is a fantastic guy. I really like him. I worked with him for five years, but like everything in life, it comes to an end.”

Noises from within the OPQS camp suggest that Cavendish has not replaced Bernie with a big Belgian; instead he is grooming Matteo Trentin, the young Italian sprinter. Their levels of flirtation have reached such an advanced level that Cavendish is already posting photos on Twitter of his room-mate snoozing in their large double bed.

Seeing his ostensible replacement in such a tender snapshot is said to have deeply saddened Eisel, who was driven to remind Cavendish just what he was missing with his fourth-place ride in the opening stage of Qatar, from the improbably named Katara Cultural Village to – that’s more like it – Dukhan Beach (via sandstorms, gale force winds, and broad motorways).

Cav gave his ex a metaphorical slap in the face on Tuesday, biting back with a well-oiled win after seeing his former right-hand-man only manage to guide his new Norwegian partner to a sixth-place finish. He then further compounded the misery on Eisel with a second win on Wednesday – achieved without anything remotely resembling a lead-out – to take the leader’s gold jersey.

The whole dynamic is a bonanza for psychologists the world over.

“Cavendish was able to move on from his previous ex, Mark Renshaw, very easily precisely because Renshaw was no longer anywhere to be seen in the workplace,” said Professor Karl-Heinz Konfitüre der Träume, a relationship psychologist from the Institute of Zwolle (currently on sabbatical from the Humanities department of the University of Saxony).

“But things initially appeared very different with Eisel. The Austrian is so hurt he’s been reduced to passive-aggressive games – pipping Cavendish in a worthless sprint in a vain attempt to make the Englander so sad and wistful that it not only affects his performance, but also makes him desire for the ultimate forbidden fruit.

“In Germany we have an expression – lebenslanger rhabarbermarmeladeschatz leidenschafts – which roughly translates as ‘the treasure that is a sumptuous rhubarb marmalade made from a lifetime’s passion’. Well, Bernie wants Cav to think of him as a particularly tasty jam that can no longer grace his pretzel.”

Professor Karl-Heinz does not envisage a happy ending for either party.

“What was a rather civil partnership may now plummet to something noxious, rum, and unsavoury. In Germany, we say unschmackhaft untergang seelisch – which loosely translates as a type of unpalatable emotional sunset. With Cavendish coming out on top for two days running, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eisel now reacts by trying to win the Qatar king of the mountains competition – he will be that disorientated.

“To make matters worse, Cavendish’s gold jersey will remind Bernhard of the gold jersey he helped his former HTC brother win in the 2010 Vuelta. Imagine that: it’s like a girl seeing their ex partner – how do you say? – out on the pulling while wearing that snazzy shirt you bought for him for his birthday. There will be some tears in the pillow tonight in Qatar.”

In an aside, the pensive German professor explained his reservations about Qatar being on the World Tour race calendar in the first place.

“Cycling is as much about the journey as the result; the geography, history, and gastronomy of the area being traversed is integral in the enjoyment of the race from the spectator’s point of view as well as for its place in posterity. In this respect, Qatar is merely a long-haul stop-over for a bunch of cyclists making their functional journey back from Australia to Europe,” he said, before being wheeled back to the institute for his afternoon cup of cocoa.

Regardless the benefits or disadvantages of holding an early-season stage race in a petro-fuelled pancake-flat desert deprived of delectable podium girls or anything remotely resembling a twin peak, the road is clearly going to be a bumpy one for at least two riders this week as Cavendish and Eisel get to grips with life apart.

Will Boonen be a crazy Belgian fan or a rider in Qatar next year? (Photo courtesy of ASO)

Responding to comments from U.S.-born BMC rider, Taylor Phinney, who stated, “If I wanted to ride on freeways and stare at the desert, I could have stayed at home,” the Sheikh said he felt the need to take care of the future star of the sport.

“We have negotiated with governor Jerry Brown of the great American state of California to purchase Mt. Shasta for six billion U.S. dollars, and we will be moving it to Qatar for the 2013 edition of the race,” declared Al Thani the Just.

Details were sketchy at press time, but anonymous sources in the governor’s office said the deal needed to be made, with the state facing a pending $3 billion debt problem in March. The looming debt crisis could have tipped the entire country’s economy into default, something that Brown didn’t want to have happen on his watch.

The office of the President of the United States also confirmed that military resources and technology would be put to work for the move, confirming that military exercises recently conducted in Los Angles were related.

However, the Sheikh also noted that it wasn’t enough to obtain the landmark – scheduled to be deposited near the town of Bir Zekrit – as Qatar also felt they needed “crazy cycling fans” to line the route of the 6-stage race.

“After watching 62,000 crazy Belgian fans during the cyclocross world championships, we felt that purchasing the population of Belgium for our race would really add the necessary cycling flavor to the broadcasts. They have proven to be the most cycling-mad nation on the planet. It is a good investment on our part,” commented the Sheikh.

The posed some confusion, however, as the 2012 race winner Tom Boonen is Belgian.

“Does this mean I’m supposed to be a crazy fan? Or am I going to race next year? Leave it to these oil-rich folks to make a mess of the sport, let alone the world. Whatever…” concluded a confused Boonen.

When asked for clarification on the Belgian’s conundrum, UCI boss Pat McQuaid was specific, “I have no comment on this situation. I will say that it’s none of your business what we do for the sport, nor is it Tom’s [Boonen] place to worry about anything other than riding a bike. Our record on globalization is strong.”

Noted human rights activist and Eurosport commentator David Harmon offered his two cents on the deal, “I’m quite interested in the logistics of not only moving mountains, but also an entire population for six days. But of course if anyone can make something happen, it’s American ethics and know-how coupled with Qatari money.”

Farrar is visibly disturbed after getting "smoked" on consecutive stages (photo courtesy of KARIM JAAFAR/AFP/Getty Images)

“This team is a joke. Greipel’s team signs the best of the former HTC leadout train, including [Adam] Hansen and Hendy [Greg Henderson]. Eisel, who beat me to the line today is picked up for Cav, Boonen’s going like he’s back on coke again, and all these young guns are coming at me like a fucking tennis ball machine gone mad,” commented a livid Farrar.

When asked to clarify what signings were a joke, Farrar replied, “Bauer. Haas. Klier. I mean it’s a buffet of opportunists for the classics, not a group of guys who can deliver me to a finish line. Fischer is the best I’ve got? Seriously? C’mon, this team is a joke. Vaughters promises all sorts of shit, and then all he cares about is time trial crap because he thinks it’s all Salinger ‘pure’ and shit. Man, I gotta go to a new team that knows what they’re doing. I shouldn’t have flatted,” continued Farrar.

When asked if team tactics played a part in how the stage finished, Farrar was blunt, “You’ll have to ask Weltz that, if he can get his head out of Armstrong’s ass long enough,” in reference to Directeur Sportif Johnny Weltz’ pro-Armstrong rant after the long-running federal investigation was closed by U.S. Attorney André Birotte on Friday.

Garmin-Barracuda CEO Johnathan Vaughters was less impressed with the comments, considering it was the second time in less than a week that an employee broke ranks and spoke publicly on subjects which cast the team in an unfavorable light.

“There must be something in the water in Qatar. Either that, or my mind control chips must not work in that region. We’ll have to get both Farrar and Weltz back to the lab for some electronic fine tuning,” commented Vaughters, adding, “First Weltz. Then Contador breaks in on our victory dance, and now Farrar is going rogue. I think I need to throw some sort of AIGCP smackdown to take away the spotlight from our team issues.”

Stage Five of the Tour of Qatar goes on Thursday, where it is expected that Mark Cavendish will again take his turn at frustrating Farrar.