There were only double beds left, explained the receptionist in our hotel in Gent to us and she added she felt really sorry for us. But what did we spot, when we came back from our training ride? There was a bed in the hallway. It stood on its side. Just like that. Ready to be rolled to some room. I looked at my teammate, Kim. Shall we, I asked her, can we do that? She shrugged, with a twinkle in her eyes. Why not? Each of us, with a bed of our own, we would have a better sleep, no? And sleep would be pretty important this night. We glanced around. No one to be seen. We opened the door to our room, pushed the bed inside as quick as we could, and in doing so made a nice variant to the ‘Eat the plate of another rider first…’ quote of Hennie Kuiper: “Sleep in the bed of another rider first…” Our apologies to the hotel guest who had to spend the night on the floor.

Smelly room

The photographer of the Belgian magazine HUMO who came to our hotel to take photos of me concluded it was way too cold to go outside, to my great relief. But where would we take the photos now? Could he perhaps see my room? Maybe that would be a nice background? I spluttered something about not very interesting and pretty dull actually, but the photographer was determined. He wanted to see my room. The room which I only did one thing in after I had arrived, just before I received the text message which said I was expected in the lobby. With a growing feeling of embarrassment I showed the photographer to my room. In the meantime I was wondering if I had closed the bathroom door or not. I really didn’t remember. Would he smell it? Or would the smell have gone already? I silently prayed for the latter. I opened the door with my card. The bathroom was open. I sniffed. O shit: poo. But come on. How could I have ever predicted a photographer would want to check out my room?

Two steaks

I’m not such a big meat eater, but when I saw the pile of juicy steaks at dinner I decided to take two of them – knowing eating in the morning before the race is always difficult for me. Steak and pasta is excellent racing fuel. I was thinking this over when I shoveled the two pieces of meat onto my plate, not realising our teamleader was just behind me filling his plate. His eyes got big as saucers when he saw me taking not one, but two steaks. In only a couple of seconds he came up with a theory to explain my greediness: One steak for a good positioning before the Molenberg and the other one for the Oude Kwaremont. Right. One for the Molenberg and one for the Kwaremont: exactly the fuel you need in the Ronde.

Marijn on the Oude Kwaremont. Looks like the second steak did the trick. (Image by Kris Claeyé)

Orgasm

I was too far in the back when we hit the Kanarieberg. I rode to the front, passing lots of dropped riders and suddenly I heard a girl sighing and moaning so loud you would think you were in the middle of a bad porn film if you didn’t know better. And I, the funniest as always, asked her loudly if she was about to have an orgasm. Not nice. Not funny at all. Poor child, suffering and gasping for air on the Kanarieberg – and being yelled at like that by Miss Know-It-All. I am sorry. My apologies.

Soft policeman

The race stayed together untill we hit the Oude Kwaremont. We all knew it would happen right here. My legs felt good and I was in the front. With the first twenty riders I rode onto the cobbles. I started to pass riders immediately and decided to pass the lurching American who seemed to get stuck after every single cobble at the left side. Close to the barrier fences, I guessed she wouldn’t swing that way. Wrong guess. At the moment I started to pass her, she swished her bike to the left clumsily and I had nowhere to go anymore. Just before me I saw a policeman – or a steward, I didn’t look really closely – at our side of the fences. In the split second I had I decided to bump into him, hoping he would catch me and prevent me from crashing. I was barely going 10k an hour, so it wouldn’t be a painful encounter for any of us. But the officer only saw me at the ultimate moment. The American girl hit me at the right side, I bumped into the officer and toppled over. There I was, my feet still stuck in the pedals, so I couldn’t get up immediately. The crowd sneered and laughed. The officer helped me back on the bike. I started to chase back and rushed over the cobbles, passed the Kwaremontplein, upwards. At the end of the cobbles I was back with the riders I started the Oude Kwaremont with. But the group of nine riders was gone. A steak for the Kwaremont turned out te be a good idea, but next time I’d rather take a serving of luck.

In the end a lot of riders came back together in our chasing group. The sprint for the 10th place was a chaotic one. I finished 43rd, to my big disappointment.

Click here for the full results.

An Orange bus, alone with God and Medicine.

Whilst all other teams parked their death- and near-death star buses in the town square, the Basque battlers were located between the church and the medical tent.

Team welfare director Xanadu Xeriously stressed that the decision was deliberate to fulfil two key roles in rider safety.  “All the team were able to pray in church to prevent crashes on the sign-in stage, and the actual bicycling activity of the day was coated in prayer.  We were also able to speed up the medical treatment of crashing orange people by having a 2-meter gap between the medical tent and the team bus”.

St Xhute, patron saint of the overshot corner, received the prayers and also passed some onto St Counter-Xteer, patron saint of the front wheel losing traction.

Xeriously went on to add, “We travel far north beyond the Arctic circle to boost the commercial awareness of a Basque telecommunications company, and therefore feel it is vital to call upon the protection of higher powers.  If they bugger up there is always the medical tent. And while you’re here perhaps you can tell me why none of the cycling writers ever want to talk to us? We had one rider finish for God’s sake, which is more that can be said for another team in some year or other.”

Renowned for his wacky victory celebrations, Sagan is discovering just how hard it is to do something quite as memorable when crossing the line as runner-up. And on Sunday he went into a bit of a meltdown on the Ronde van Vlaanderen podium in Oudenaarde with his now infamous pinch of podium girl Maja Leye.

Sagan going for it. (Getty Images)

Just as the tall, blonde, statuesque, tanned and scantily clad Belgian model in her early 20s – whose LinkedIn profile describes her role, perhaps somewhat liberally, as an ‘Administration Production Assistant at Flanders Classics’ – was assisting two-time Ronde victor Fabian Cancellara with an administrative and productive kiss on his chiselled cheeks, Sagan took it upon himself to give her hind quarters a quick pinch (or, as Emma Bamford of The Independent newspaper so graciously put it, “goosed the blonde”).

The shot seen round the world (Getty Images)

Initial reaction saw Sagan’s actions as more playful than lamentable. The person behind the official Twitter feed of the race (clearly a man or perhaps a women with a sense of perspective) tweeted a link to the incriminating photo catching the 23-year-old flagrante delecto with the caption “Naughty Sagan” while @TourdeJose simply offered a “CHEEKY” comment alongside the picture.

But many did not see the funny side. Sagan’s actions were nothing short of sexual harassment and symptomatic of cycling’s overall misogynistic attitude towards women and its lamentable development of the women’s sport, they said.

Instead of broadcasting images of Marianne Vos – arguably the sport’s most complete talent – winning her first ever Flanders crown earlier in the day, here we were concentrating on the childish, yet fiendish, action of one cocksure tyro eager to steal the limelight from the classy veteran rider who put him in his place with a blistering attack on the Paterberg.

I have to admit, my initial reaction to the picture of a smiling Sagan pinching the podium girl’s bottom was one of mild amusement. Unknowing of the outrage it would cause, I posted – as my alter ego Blazin’ Saddles (@Saddleblaze) – a tweet that was perhaps almost as crass as Sagan’s actions in the first place.

Come on, chill out about the podium girl. It’s just foreplay for Sagan. He’ll do much more than pinching a bottom later…

— Blazin’ Saddles (@saddleblaze) March 31, 2013

I’ll put my hands up and say I was out of line – but the idea that Saddleblaze was actively encouraging (as one of his followers suggested) the “all out rape” of the girl in question was astoundingly stupid.

The throwaway comment about Sagan and foreplay was made very much in jest and in the light of the fabricated persona of Peter Sagan that we have all contributed to in some way of other on Twitter.

Last summer after Sagan’s total domination in sprints at the Tours of Oman and Switzerland, a spoof Sagan account was made on Twitter – thought to be by a group of established cycling journos keen to have a bit of fun in the lead-up to and during the Tour de France.

The Sagan parody account joked about the Slovakian’s supreme strength and made light of his virility and voracious appetite for bedding podium girls. It became a mini phenomenon with tens of thousands of followers until most of us realised that it was getting a bit tired and the whole thing petered out.

Some bored souls on Twitter missed these imaginary 140-character insights to one of the peloton’s hottest new stars and another parody account was set up – but to significantly less fanfare. (It really wasn’t funny in the slightest.)

But by now, the damage had been done. Sagan had a reputation for being a huge ladies man – something he actively encouraged in that bizarre scene in which he signed a woman’s breasts before a stage of the Tour (apparently she never asked for him to do it – but didn’t exactly complain either).

My point in bringing this all up is that pinching a podium girl’s bottom is exactly what we would expect from someone like Sagan, in that it’s entirely in sync with the manufactured persona behind a rider whose attacking style is winning over a whole new generation of cycling fans and whose oddball victory celebrations have brought both him – and the sport – hordes of new fans.

In short: Saddleblaze (and so many others) had anticipated this kind of behaviour from Sagan so much that it did not come as a surprise. But that doesn’t in any way make what he did right.

Yes, the boundaries of fiction and reality had blurred so much that a bum pinch was seen by many as par for the course for Sagan – especially after missing out once again on a victory in one of cycling’s monuments. But the whole thing takes on fresh layers of complexity when taking into account the motives behind the pinch and the real Sagan’s track record.

Indeed, it has emerged that Sagan – very much like his Twitter parody persona – has form in such casual displays of sexism.

If you look back at the pictures from the podium of E3 Harelbeke (where Sagan again finished behind Cancellara) and you’ll see the Slovakian making a ‘bum patting’ gesture towards one of the podium girls giving Spartacus a hug on the top rung of the podium. Rumour has it he tried something similar at Milan-San Remo when finishing second to Gerald Ciolek.

Sagan getting cheeky at E3 Harelbeke (image by Annick Vanderschelden)

Then there’s the old photo of Sagan, probably just 18, filling up his car at a petrol station while wearing a blue t-shirt emblazoned with the (vulgar and highly presumptuous) words: “My c*** + your p**** = good times”.

Sagan’s “blue” tee shirt

It’s worth being fair at this point – for this is not a Sagan witch hunt: Tom Boonen, who, behind the unfortunate Maja Leye, was seen as the big victim on Sunday after crashing out of the race, was once pictured with a big grin on his face while sporting a black t-shirt with the words: “Will f*** on first date”.

So, yes, boys will be boys, even – Shock! Horror! – in the world of cycling.

In a sport where his contemporaries are being busted for blood transfusions, performance-enhancing drugs, and race fixing, it seems a bit rich to crucify Sagan on Easter Sunday for a bit of cheek that he will no doubt regret even more than missing out on yet another classics victory.

After all, cycling does seem to condone the casual objectification of women by having podium girls in the first place – an antiquated tradition which arguably encourages the kind of lechery seen in Sagan’s (clearly un-isolated) moment of madness.

Can you blame Sagan? He’s pretty much spent most working days of his life since the age of 18 on podiums surrounded by dolled-up girls handing out kisses and bunches of flowers while offering their faces as a alternative receptacle for sparkling wine. On top of that, he has people on Twitter making him out to be the biggest Casanova since that chap with the equally big eyebrows signed on the dotted line to appear in the Twilight franchise.

As the ever-erudite Matt Rendell tweeted:

Sagan’s carefully thought-out piece of theatrical satire brilliantly focused attention on the absurdity of stlll having podium girls in 2013

— Matt Rendell (@mrendell) March 31, 2013

This is precisely why, when Cyclingnews reporter Jane Aubrey can rightfully flag up Sagan for harassment in the workplace, the highly-regarded Inner Ring is also correct in stressing that this is “a workplace where women are hired to wear short skirts whilst men spray champagne with obvious symbolism.”

Sagan himself took to Twitter to apologies for his actions, claiming it was not “my intention to disrespect women today on the podium” – carefully forgetting all the other moments he had pushed the limits of decency a bit too far. “Just a joke, sorry if someone was disturbed about it,” he added, underestimating the amount of people offended by his actions (it wasn’t just Jane Aubrey).

The upshot of the whole thing is that Sagan will no doubt learn from his colossal faux pas – just like he’ll learn that it’s not exactly wise to drag someone like Fabian Cancellara up the Oude Kwaremont in the business end of a race. As for the role of podium girls in cycling – the Sagan storm will definitely put it back on the agenda and encourage healthy debate.

Interestingly, in last year’s E3 Harelbeke, the organisers replaced the usual pretty podium girls with a 66-year-old granny after being criticized for using a naked girl on the front of their race promo poster the year before.

66-year old Paulette Van Neste (photo by Tim De Waele/TDWSport.com courtesy of procycling.no)

You’d think if Sagan had pinched the generous posterior of Paulette Van Neste instead of that of Maja Leye then he would have got more than an awkward brushing off on the Flanders podium.

Of course, there’s always the cases of George Hincapie and Gert Steegmans – both of whom met their future wives while celebrating wins on the podium. We should perhaps withhold our judgement until we hear the reaction of the podium girl herself – for it’s not up to us to decide is she felt violated, outraged, humiliated, and harassed.

Pozzato motors at the E3 (photo courtesy @jeredgruber via cyclingnews.com)

“It is much disappointing for me to see Mario stealing mine and Nibali’s essence after the two of us have such a grandissimo start to 2012,” shared a despondent Pozzato. “After much suffering at Katusha, I am happy to be back in the breasts of Italy. I thank Angelo Citracca for making me comforted.”

Pozzato went on to document the exasperating media push by the “Lion King,” which culminated in a bizarre 35-minute interview during a live Tirreno-Adriatico telecast, where Vincenzo Nibali cemented his status as a GC contender for 2012, and Cipollini attempted to distract the Italian media away from Pozzato’s return to form in this year’s classics.

When asked what specifically bothered him about Mario and his so-called “thunder stealing,” Pozzato was fairly direct and blunt. “He’s old. His physical prowess requires those little pills of energy. This is time he thrusts himself on women half his age, and enjoys the twilight of his lifespan. He should leave racing and attention to the young lions who easily lap his so-called sporting strengthness.”

Members of the press corps pointed out that Mario had achieved this feat by sponsoring a women’s team, and had recently done a photo and video spread in the Hills of Italy, passing on his “training tips.”

Pozzato, unaware of the photo session, smiled in reply. “That is first step of the grandissimo retired champion. I pray his lady team keep him busy and away from the Giro duties, and keep him distracted for the Flanders this weekend,” stated a focused Pippo.

Pozzato heads into this weekend as one of the heavy favorites, but faces an uphill battle against the strong one-two punch of the Omega-Pharma-Quickstep duo of Tom Boonen and Sylvain Chavanel. The Tour of Flanders – minus the Muur and the Bosberg – goes off Sunday.

I have been cycled in groups and alone, and fancy both, depending on shape, form and time of year. Like most cycling fans I dream about ascending and descending the same mountains the pros do, riding the famous parcours as I see on the TV. Some mountains and races are very dear to me; imagine what the Ronde van Vlaandern would have been without the mighty Koppenberg, the Paris-Roubaix without the atrocious Arenberg forest? Or the Tour de France without Ventoux or Alpe d’Huez?

The cobbles of Paris-Roubaix

The famed Mt. Ventoux

But fear not; your prayers have been heard and there is a solution, as with most challenges. And you don’t have to move to Belgium either. The solution is, of course, a sportive. Now I know the readers of Cyclismas are well known to the wonders of cycling, but this could be a help in choosing your next challenge. Many companies specialise in offering all sorts of help connected to sportives, some even arranges one-day trips to famous mountains in France or Italy.

Depending on whether you feel cycling is a metaphor for life and choose a tough stage race or simply wish to challenge your mates on the cobbles of Belgium for a day, there is a race for you.

The term sportive can be a bit limiting, too. Just what does it take to be called a sportive?  Joao Correia’s (aka @joaoisme) trips to Chianti feature great cycling, an experience of a lifetime and much more than just cycling. A sportive? Probably not, but still tough to complete.

Stage sportives

There are several to choose from here, some tougher than others. The standard varies a bit too, from “all inclusive” to DIY.

Haute Route

The organiser labels it “Europe’s toughest sportive,” and I don’t blame them. It is a seven-day stage sportive arranged in August, bringing riders from Geneva to Nice. And you can imagine what cols are located between those cities. Fifteen cols in total, 17,000 meters of climbing, but this is a timed event too, with prizes on every stage. Single, duo, or team entries are all admitted, the price is between €595-€630 and includes food, transport of luggage (key factor), massages after every stage and accommodation options.

CCC – Cent Cols Challenge

Phil Deeker’s day job is making others experience pain. As the title exposes, they traverse 100 mountains in some nine to ten days, alternating between the Alps and the Pyrenees. Yes, the number is 100, but as you can imagine, not all are Tourmalet-sized. Climbing and astonishing 4300 meters on average each stage, while covering 200 km a day is something for the hardest of nails. But what do you expect from the man who conceived of this challenge and completed the Rapha 1910 Tribute Ride.

Single day races

Marathona dles Dolomites

Italy is home to some of the nicest experiences cycling can give – the Dolomites. Many climbs here are legendary, like the Stelvio and the Gavia. For some reason, I feel Italy is never given the correct status as compared to France, even though there are many climbs and sportives in Italy, too.

The Marathona takes you over seven truly spectacular mountain passes in the Dolomites. The very first edition was held in 1987 where 166 riders covered the course; these days, as many as 9,000 participants gather annually as the organisers have set that number as their limit. Famous pros and ex-pros participate too.

You can choose your own degree of difficulty as well, as you don’t have to finish all seven of the mountain passes.

There are also many Gran Fondo events in Italy, check them out as there are too many to mention here.

The Argus

For those of you travelling to South Africa with your bike, the Argus could be an interesting race to complete. What began as a way to draw attention to the need for bike paths in Cape Town, SA, the Cape Argus Pick and Play Cycle Tour has evolved into one of the biggest bike races in the world. The number of participants can be overwhelming or a nice experience, depending upon your view. The course is about 109 km so it isn’t terribly long, however, be aware of the weather. The race was stopped in 2002 due to high temperatures and by strong (gale force) winds in 2009. Cyclists from the pro peloton who have participated include Jan Ullrich, Greg LeMond, South African Robbie Hunter and Lance Armstrong.

La Marmotte

This is actually the oldest cyclosportif and is very popular, sometimes being referred to as the Queen Mother of all Cyclosportives. Held annually in France and covering some 174 km and approx 5,200 meters of climbing, this race takes you over all the giant mountains in the Alps: Glandon, Telegraph, Galibier and the notorious Alpe d’Huez. What more could you ask? You’ll even get a t-shirt to show off at the local club rides. There are several packages available, but it’s best to book in advance as they sell out quickly.

l’Etape du Tour

This epic ride is the closest that non-professional cyclists will get to actually participating in the Tour de France. Normally held during a Tour rest day, this legend of a sportive takes you through a complete Tour de France stage, normally a mountain stage. Organised by ASO (the parent company which produces the Tour de France), this is a great event, complete with a voiture balai or broom wagon if you like, so don’t show up if your shape is off season…

If you’re interested, check out @Cyclefilm’s videos of the event, they have loads of great DVDs for your winter turbo-training.

RvV and Paris-Roubaix 

Two of my favourites, as I love the classics and cobbles. They take place the day before the pro races, allowing you to do the sportive, relax, and show up the next day for a chance to see the peloton blast over the same cobbles you did the day before. Every cycling fan should experience the atmosphere in Belgium and northern France as these races take place.

At the Ronde van Vlaanderen (Tour of Flanders for Cyclotourists), you can choose between completing the 70km course and riding 140km; both courses bring you up the famous Koppenberg. And with the Paris-Roubaix, you will add further capital to your cycling abilities too, riding in the Arenberg forest, experiencing the the same pain the riders do.

Summary

I hope this post inspire you to check out the perfect sportive for you. Instead of dreaming, why don’t you take the step and commit yourself to it by filling out your entry today? It will do wonders for your training during the winter and you will have the experience of a lifetime, no matter if you view cycling as a metaphor for life or not.

Do you have any sportives you’ve heard of or participated in or know a sportive which hasn’t been mentioned here? Pleae do not hesitate to comment below on your experiences. We welcome your feedback, and hope to get you started with this very complete list of cyclosportives worldwide from Wikipedia.

You can follow Pedalingtheroad on twitter, @Pedalingtheroad, or on his blog – pedalingtheroad.blogspot.com