While the Tour of Beijing may run, will anyone be actually able to see the riders around Beijing? (photo courtesy Wikipedia.org)

“Look, it’s safe in Beijing. If it wasn’t, would all these people live here? It’s not liked they’re forced to live in China. I’ve spoken to many riders and managers who were concerned about the smog, and I’ve assured them the situation is overblown,” commented Rumpf as a steady stream of people entered the hotel lobby from outside wearing gas masks.

The concern reached fever pitch after BMC Pro Team superstar Taylor Phinney today tweeted the air pollution index, well over the “hazardous” rating of 300, carrying a warning that people in Beijing stay indoors or underground.

Screen grab from Taylor Phinney’s phone in Beijing

“Taylor is right to be concerned. When you have a plus 300 or a plus 400, you have a situation where athletes can develop asthma or other serious health issues from the pollutants.  It’s especially dangerous for the Irish or the Dutch, who could develop ‘McQuaidy Delusional Grandeur’ or ‘Henie Supreme Evilness’ with prolonged exposure. Keep in mind Los Angeles is around a 54, and look what it’s done to that city,” commented environmental expert Natasha Greenwell of the Environmental Protection Agency in the United States.

Many riders and team managers in Beijing were concerned as they couldn’t find their bicycles nor the team cars for training rides, as the thick smoke rendered objects completely invisible. In fact, a search was mounted when RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-CSE-Livestrong rider Andy Schleck let go of the tow rope set up to guide athletes to dinner. Fortunately, Schleck was found nearby in the fetal position sucking his thumb after mistakenly opening a text message from Johan Bruyneel.

“Considering Rumpf, McQuaid, and Verbruggen don’t want to cancel Beijing in these circumstances, what’s next? Chernobyl? A South African diamond mine race? How about racing around an erupting volcano spewing lava? Based on their track record, I’m thinking about going into bounty hunting. That profession is safer than this,” commented one anonymous rider who may or may not have been Henrich Haussler.

Brad Wiggins expressed his sadness for missing the race.

“We all know what a smoker I’ve become, and I’m fairly lazy.  I could just lay on a bench outside and get my buzz in Beijing. I think I’m going next year,” declared Wiggins.

Riders were organizing a protest at press time, and were pondering tying Rumpf to a bicycle, tying said bicycle behind a bus, and forcing him ride around the city for 48 hours.

No word if any teams were actually going to show up at the start line, or make their way to the airport instead.

“We are proudly announced almost all riders for Katusha Team are cooperating with authorised anti-doping bodies,” stated the press release, “We are happy of this declarations of being 96.55172413793103 percent clean.”

Galimzyanov's confession letter (photo courtesy of www.inrng.com)

When asked about the 3.44827586206897 percent that wasn’t clean, team manager Brian Holczer was definitive in his answers.

“We have a handwritten letter explaining the percentage that is the issue for our team. I will say I am quite proud we are almost 100 percent clean. It is a big improvement over my last team, Gerolsteiner, where it seems the opposite was true. It took me years to overcome that hurdle and return to the sport,” commented Holczer.

The handwritten letter, courtesy of star-Katusha-sprinter Denis Galimzyanov, went out of its way to explain why the team shouldn’t suffer for his personal transgressions. It documented his troubled past, the dubious sort of folks whose influence he acceded to in China at the Tour of Beijing, and the vast quantities of consumer electronics and cut-rate textiles he received in exchange for use of the Chinese EPO. In fact, Galimzyanov’s likeness has been reportedly seen on Chinese television where he served as a spokesman for the EPO company supplying him.

When asked about Galimzyanov, Holczer was extremely defensive.

“Hey now! Just because I was on a team with a high percentage of cheats in the past doesn’t mean I am directly responsible for what happens with the riders on my team. I am a victim of coincidence. Just because I run the team doesn’t mean I have an obligation to keep track of every single rider. It’s a big team. I am proud of the fact that Katusha is currently  96.55172413793103 percent clean. In fact, now that Denis has admitted his transgressions and decided not to fight the charges, Katusha is currently a 100-percent clean team,” spun Holczer.

Katusha team owner Igor Makarov offered his thoughts.

“In Russia, achieving a 96.55172413793103 percent in university grading means you are heralded as a genius in your studies. I am proud of my team’s record. I’m also proud of Denis admitting his mistakes, and taking his prison sentence like a true Russian Hero,” stated Makarov via phone from his 60-foot yacht, Areti 1.

Katusha takes a fully-loaded roster to Fleche Wallone on Wednesday.

The Smartest Man in Cycling

Cyclismas: Thank you for the tour this morning of UCI world headquarters. It was enjoyable to see the work that you do here in Aigle. First question is two-pronged – what are your favorite parts of the complex here, from a personal perspective and also from a professional one?

Pat McQuaid:

You’re quite welcome. I’m very proud of our facilities here. We have nothing but the best of the best, from the materials used in the construction and finishings to the exquisite handmade furniture. The Swiss have impeccable taste. As far as favourite parts? I’d have to say on a personal level I’m rather fond of our wine cellar – I believe the collection is now valued at well over 2 million Swiss francs, and contains, in addition to the rare vintages, some of my favourite spirits. Of note are a few bottles of exclusive Nun’s Island whiskey. I’ll crack that for special occasions, like when we grant [uses air quotes] “victories” to the AIGCP. On a professional level, I quite enjoy the spaciousness of my office. It certainly is my home away from home.”

Cyclismas:  Okay, so let’s get right into this then. You mention [mimicking McQuaid’s air quotes] “victories” being conceded to the AIGCP. What do you mean by that?

PM:

Look, it’s painfully obvious.  We never really cared about the race radio business. Not at all. Pure rubbish. But certain riders and team owners were so whipped up over it, Hein thought it might be a good way to ensure control over the peloton. Take a look at the fact that after we took it away, and they did their little temper tantrum walk-out business, the end result was that they still went to China. We just wanted to make sure they were present in Beijing.”

Cyclismas: But why Beijing? Why the importance on that particular race?

PM:

Have you been a cave for ten months, boy?  Hein [Verbruggen] has a personal interest in Beijing. He ran the organizing committee, and he’s a smart businessman. There is only so much money in the first world nations, and everyone is fighting for a slice of a that golden pie. The only growth areas are in the so-called BRICS countries of Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa. With Hein’s connections in Beijing, China is an easy one for us. With the addition of Makarov to the managment committee, we have Russia in our pocket.  Two for starters is good. Anything else from the other fooking countries is icing on the cake.”

Cyclismas: What about developing races in cycling-mad areas like the United States and Europe, capitalizing on the large fan base?

PM:

To paraphrase Jonathan Vaughters from twitter earlier this week, who wants to race over shite northern European farms and stay in shite Belgian hotels? Obviously he doesn’t. As far as America, they’re all fooking broke and their current anti-corporate President is seemingly enjoying this daft Occupy-Everywhere shite. I mean really, you should be thankful Wall Street is around, otherwise you’d be shoveling horse manure instead of tweeting on your fooking eyepad or whatever it’s called.”

 

Verbruggen, the master teaches the student, McQuaid.

Cyclismas: You mentioned Hein’s personal interests in Beijing. Care to expand on what you mean there?

PM:

Well let’s see, Henricus owns a TV production company that handles some major contracts – it did the on-ground TV work for the Tour of Beijing [Ed. note: You can see the company information here]. He also has his SportAccord shell company doing massive sports projects in Beijing like the World Combat Games, and he’s pretty much friends with the politicos that did the Beijing Olympic Games. We’ve leveraged that relationship to provide an excellent cash return to our pockets.”

Cyclismas: Speaking of your own pockets, what’s with the controversy surrounding taking money from the UCI to start a for-profit corporation that has UCI insiders as shareholders rather than the UCI itself, like the FIFA model?

PM:

I’m a firm believer in trickle-down economics. Your President Reagan was right. The money we collect will find its way back into the economy based on our purchases of luxury goods for our various holdings the world over. FIFA missed the boat on lining their own pockets. I mean, really, collecting a “salary” when you can have the entire net profit? They’re too old school and still hold onto some archaic principles. Stupid fookers.”

Cyclismas: So using blackmail tactics to ensure your pockets are lined is also fair game?

PM:

Hey now, it’s not blackmail if the other stupid fooker starts it.  We’re just protecting our interests from an obvious threat to our little mafia game. We’ll just fight fire with fire, and usually no one does anything about it, because they’re all just a bunch of stupid fooking sheep. I mean, no one really gives a rats arse. If they did, wouldn’t you think that someone would have stood up by now besides that sideburned fop of a crusader?”

Cyclismas: Moving along, you’re up for election this year.

PM:

 

Well it’s not really an election, per se. It’s more of a coronation.”

Cyclismas: Coronation?

PM:

 

We had the 42 handpicked UCI Congress members cast a secret ballot that we’ll be divulging in detail sometime around February.”

Cyclismas: And what was the voting about? Can you share details with the readership today?

PM:

Well, since no one reads your shite little rag anyhow except L’Equipe, I guess I can share that we’ve passed a motion that installs me as President for Life.”

Cyclismas: Wow. Congratulations. How did you accomplish that?

PM:

It’s easy when you buy off and install a Congress that votes on UCI business. I just convinced each one individually that this is what’s best for the sport.”

Cyclismas: Isn’t this counter to the mission of the UCI? Isn’t the current world climate rather against this sort of event?

PM:

Thank goodness that cyclists don’t read too well, and they’re a little fooking stupid, and definitely spineless. So I don’t think that constituency reflects the rest of the world. I mean, cycling politics is still [uses air quotes] “the old boys club.” We even got rid of the one woman troublemaker who just didn’t get the fooking program a few years back. Thank Christ the ethics committee understands what is right and just, otherwise we might have had a flap over that business.”

Cyclismas: You’re referring to Sylvia Schenk?

PM:

Who? I don’t know what you’re talking about [winks with both eyes, while laughing].

 

Cyclismas: Any final thoughts you’d like to share with our readers?

PM:

I’d like to say thank you to the entire world of cycling for persisting with a passive mentality that has allowed a closed circle of well-connected insiders the ability to raid the cookie jar at liberty. Couldn’t happen in any other sport.”