Over the course of their drinking and chatting, M&M cover the intervening years since Marianne had her epic victory, what she’s been doing to keep herself busy in Boulder (hint: it doesn’t involve a bicycle), her love of the sport of cycling, dancing as excellent training preparation for bike racing, and riding as a lifelong pursuit.

We hope you enjoy this intriguing conversation with a legend in women’s cycling. We certainly did.

Open Mic with Mike Creed is sponsored by The Colorado Cyclist, Mike’s very first professional cycling team in 1998. Thanks to everyone at Colorado Cyclist for their support of Mike over the years, and a big thank you to them for stepping up and sponsoring the podcast and offering $50 gift cards to our Twitter contest winners. Please visit their website at coloradocyclist.com and give them a follow on Twitter at @Co_Cyclist to show your appreciation for everything they do for us.

Be sure to call them at 1-800-688-8600 and mention the podcast for 15% off your purchase.

In his latest column for Cyclismas, Blazin’ Saddles drops the wise-cracking facade and has a go at actually writing something vaguely serious…

Saddleblaze has a confession to make: he didn’t actually watch the 9.6km deciding time trial up the Col d’Eze in Paris-Nice. He was busy moving house and doing chores – but it came as no surprise when he saw that the rubber-faced Tasmanian Richie Porte had picked up both the stage win and the overall victory.

Later, once the dust had settled – or snow, if you’re a UK resident – Saddles had a trawl through his feed on Twitter to gauge the public reaction following Team Sky’s latest stage race victory. One tweet in particular stood out, and sparked a huge ding-dong debate.

With reference to Porte’s victorious ride over Andrew Talansky in the ITT, SuzeCY aka @festinagirl wrote:

23″ that’s a HUGE winning margin

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

Respected cycling scribe and bouffant extraordinaire Daniel Friebe (@friebos) replied with a typically measured and insightful tweet:

@festinagirl Huge? Fairly standard. Poulidor beats Merckx by ’22 in 69, Michel Laurent by ’30 in 76, Roche by ’32 (from Indurain) in 89 etc

— Daniel Friebe (@friebos) March 10, 2013

And so sparked a war of words and opinions that rose up and down more ferociously than the raging seas in the terrible George Clooney film, The Perfect Storm (spoiler: they all die).

“Imagine what he’ll be like when he loses some weight,” quipped @festinagirl with reference to the portly Australian’s slightly tubby build.

@daveno7 wow, how fast will he go when he’s dropped a few pounds?

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

She then dug up some stats from last year’s identical time trial up the Col d’Eze:

@friebos Wiggins, an acknowledged TTer, could only beat Westra by 2″ – Porte smashed the rest of the field without trying

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

Having since watched the highlights of the final stage, Saddles can pretty much vouch that Porte’s efforts were not exactly in line with someone “not trying.” But for the sake of being an omniscient narrator here, Saddles will keep out of the argument. Besides, as @paddyjim threw into the ring, Wiggins did pick up a puncture during his winning ride last year, so those two seconds are kind of misleading.

“True but winning margin to 10th last year was just over 1min, winning margin to 3rd today was 1min 20+ secs – huge gaps,” returned @festinagirl, perhaps confusing the overall GC time gaps with those on the day (third place Nairo Quintana was 23 seconds down and the 10th place rider was 1:06 in arrears – that’s to say, “just over 1min”).

“You really think 23′ in a 20 minute race is a huge margin? In that case 1min is necessarily suspicious in a 55km TT. Come on,” replied an exasperated @friebos.

At this stage, a third party – ACF aka @Acycling_fan – entered the ring with a typically opinionated statement:

@friebos @festinagirl lets cut to the chase. Skys performances hav been US POSTAL style. guys who couldnt climb 1 yr are awesome the next yr

— ACF (@ACycling_fan) March 10, 2013

“Like? Some, not all, have certainly improved. They’ve also gone from leading teams to riding as domestiques,” replied @friebos, matter-of-factly.

“Where was Porte a team leader?” asked @festinagirl, forgetting Porte’s breakthrough seventh place in the 2010 Giro while at Saxo Bank. “Sure, Sky super doms have potential to lead elsewhere but that’s not unique to Sky.”

“Enough. We know what you think,” said @friebos, clearly eager to call time on a futile session of Sunday evening verbal fencing (after all, the final episode of gripping ITV drama, Mr Selfridge, was about to begin).

But the author of Mountain High and Eddy Merckx: The Cannibal couldn’t resist one final jab of the epée. “You have 7000 followers. Free to say what you like, but that’s a big audience to tell that someone is a fraud.”

This clearly got up the nose of the Prosecution’s tag-teamer @Acycling_fan, who jumped in with a seemingly personal jibe:

@friebos @festinagirl dan, you can keep the public stupid, just like the cycling press did for so Many years with Lance

— ACF (@ACycling_fan) March 10, 2013

“Simply not true. 95% of those who read cycling press had drawn correct conclusion about LA,” said the Defence, standing his ground.

At this point in proceedings, SBS young buck Al Hinds, who has followed the career of Porte intently since his time as cub reporter at Cyclingnews, pinged one off in support of the curly-haired Friebe:

@friebos @acycling_fan @festinagirl save yourself the pain mate. Not worth it.

— Alexander Hinds (@al_hinds) March 10, 2013

Clearly irate, the embittered @Acycling_fan came back with another fierce jab below the belt: “Well done Alex, keep the Omertà strong.”

Re-entering the room after perhaps warming up some dinner in the microwave (Findus Crispy Lasagne, allegedly), @festinagirl took @friebos to account with his comment about her misleading her lavish hoard of followers on Twitter.

“Not sure what your point is? All views are my own as are yours, presumably?” came the reply, prompting Britain’s leading young cycling journalist into a staunch defence of his own journalistic integrity: “I don’t and can’t print libellous supposition. We’re bound by same rules (no, laws) on here, or should be.”

There followed a long silence from the Prosecution. Once the case was taken back up, there seemed to be a marked shift from insinuations of doping to accusations of boredom-inducement and suffocation of the mystique.

As if it wasn’t enough for Porte to become the first Australian to win Paris-Nice while taking the queen’s stage mountain-top finish as well as the final uphill time trial, the Tasmanian was being chastised for doing it in a robotic and dour fashion.

Richie Porte ‘not trying’ up the Col d’Eze (Photo: AFP)

Anyway, time for Saddles to join the fray. Your humble cycling blogger finds the whole verbal spat rather irksome – and entirely symptomatic of the climate brought on by years of lies and shattered dreams.

But here’s the thing.

All cycling fans are allowed to be suspicious, for sure, but it’s getting out of hand when any admirable performance is greeted with a mass of jeers – a general wave of discontent that has the power to spread much faster in an era where Twitter reigns supreme, where everyone is a journalist and yet doesn’t feel they still have to adhere to the same moral framework the profession requires.

Given what happened before with Armstrong, brushes, and carpets, it’s become highly fashionable now for people – whether big or small – to throw the book at any performance that outdoes the other lesser performances on the day. There seems to be a consensus amongst a growing majority that no riders can improve without drugs; that riding “intelligently” is just another way of being “better prepared”; that Team Sky’s dominance is clearly a case of Groundhog Day.

It seems to Saddles that there are too many nihilistic iconoclasts out there bent on becoming the next Paul Kimmage. (You could say, even, that Paul Kimmage is bent on becoming the next Paul Kimmage – or at least a v2.0 Paul Kimmage – but that’s an entirely different tangent.)

Some cycling fans are distrusting of everything not through any measured thought, but on principle (but without principle). They’re doing it by default just so they can say – should something emerge at a later date – that they told you so. It’s a no-lose situation for them. Team Sky don’t get caught out – the suspicion still lingers; they do – hey, I told you so.

Granted, it’s probably not enough for many fans to take things on trust anymore. But by the same token, it’s not right for default suspicions to precede any form of appreciation of training methods, hard work, dedication and professionalism.

Yes, there’s a chance that Sky are US Postal mark two – but there’s also a much more likely chance that they are Sky mark one and are precisely what has emerged from the ashes of the American team.

With the top end of cycling relying pretty much on covert doping operations for nigh-on two decades, there was certainly a window of opportunity for a team coming in with advanced training methods centred around squad cohesion, teamwork, and marginal gains.

Yes, it’s not to everyone’s liking (the 2012 Tour de France was a dire spectacle, to be sure) but it’s damned effective.

“There’s no secret,” said Chris Froome after taking the Tirreno-Adriatico leader’s blue jersey over the border on Sunday. “It’s just continuing to work the way we worked in the last few years: training, measuring the training, and going back and doing it again. There’s not too much to it. It’s about getting the basics right.”

Vincenzo Nibali would agree – the Italian telling reporters on Sunday that he “paid a price for the infernal rhythm of Froome’s team in the finale.”

As for Porte, his time at Sky is “totally different” from his stint at Saxo Bank. “There is no other team training as hard as we do,” he confirmed. “The proof is in the pudding.”

(Photo: Getty Images)

Sky, it seems, have it sorted out. They have a roll call of GC riders – Wiggins, Froome, Porte – all ably supported by an interchangeable array of super-domestiques. The likes of Lopez, Uran, Henao, Cataldo, Zandio, Siutsou, and Kiryienka can all do a job if called upon – and that’s not even mentioning the classics riders and all-rounders like Thomas and Boasson-Hagen.

It is any surprise that Sky are so strong with such strength in depth and advanced training?

Yes, many of us share @festinagirl’s views when she says she’d much prefer watching riders like Voigt and Voeckler than a group of black-and-blue clad warriors dialing in the required wattage into their powermeters and riding to a programme.

But riders like Voeckler and Voigt are a dying breed. Besides, most of the ones we came to love over the past couple of decades had precisely the kind of preparatory help that many are so quick to accuse Sky of employing.

Fans need to be more realistic. By all means, be cynical – but do so for a reason and not merely in protest. Omertà is one thing, but a persistent finger-pointing and unmeasured hounding is just as bad.

One would say Bradley Wiggins and Chris Froome were chewing the fat – but there wasn’t much blubber on display. These two men look lean and mean as they approach a new season with a huge weight of expectation on their narrow, bony shoulders.

The long and unruly mop adorning Wiggins’ head was mirrored by the shorter and more severe closely-cropped fuzz of Froome – the army-style cut perhaps an act of defiance on the face of things. (Quite where that puts Brailsford, with his own bald pate, is anyone’s guess.)

The mop vs. the buzz (Getty image)

A few blocks down the road from the swanky hotel that is Team Sky’s winter training base was the spot where a topless post-Olympics Wiggins was photographed, half-cut, crouching on a kerb with a fag in his mouth back in those heady days of August.

The only fag on display five months later in January was Froome himself.

After all – in the British private school system, a “fag” does indeed denote a younger pupil required to perform certain menial tasks for an older pupil of higher class. Such tasks can include warming loo seats, toasting crumpets or – in the case of Froome – fetching bidons and withstanding the bullying from the boys from other schools while protecting his institution’s Head Boy through thick and thin.

(Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron’s fag, incidentally, is how the British media cruelly – albeit deliciously – portray Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrat leader and other half of the faltering coalition government.)

Should Sky want to top the school tables this year for Headmaster Brailsford, they will have to hope their own coalition delivers the goods – and former fag Froome was quick to remind reporters out in Majorca last week of his leadership qualities.

“I was a Prefect at school,” he said with a grin, clearly eager to clear any doubts as to who will be whipping the cane this season for the Rapha-clad road racers.

School prefect trumps Alpha mod?

Froome stressed he was “100% certain” of his position as Sky’s team leader for this year’s 100th edition of the Tour de France. Wiggins may be the team’s Alpha male – but Froome the Beta rider has his heart set on being a Rapha world-beater in 2013.

Asked whether or not he expected the loyalty he showed to Wiggins to be repaid come July, Froome again played the percentages card. “100%,” he replied. “The team’s success depends on that – that everyone buys into that plan. If everyone’s off doing their own thing it’s going to be a circus.”

Going off and doing his own thing is the preferred means of functioning for Wiggo the circus master, who notoriously loves to train alone with only the laptop of Tim Kerrison, Sky’s Head of Performance Support, as a companion.

While Froome is adamant that “this year, our roles will be reversed and he’ll be doing the job for me,” Wiggins for his part only admits that “the likelihood is that Chris will be the leader and I will be there in a supporting role.”

The knighted bicycle rider did enough to suggest that all was not plain sailing in the Sky camp by underlining he still harbours a strong desire to win the Tour again. “It may be this year, it may be next year,” Wiggins said, cryptically.

Indeed, despite all the bullish talk from Froome, rumours of late suggest that Kerrison, Sky’s numbers man, is secretly convinced that Wiggins can use the Giro to his benefit and arrive in Corsica for the Tour’s grand depart even stronger than last year. So while Froome is currently being touted as Sky’s trump card, things could pan out very differently when the pair meet up in the school playground.

If this Morcambe & Wise comedy sideshow wasn’t enough as it is, imagine how it would have been had Vincenzo Nibali made it a right Goon Show by joining Sky back in 2010. This, admitted the new Astana rider in an interview last week, is indeed what the Italian regretted he had not done.

“Do I wish I’d signed? It was a new team and I was looking forward to being part of a big international team. Yes, I wish I’d been able to ride for them then,” Nibali said.

Of course, quite what would have happened to Nibali – who did after all win the Vuelta in 2010 with Liquigas – had he joined Sky is anyone’s guess. In fact, quite what would have happened to Sky is perhaps just as pertinent a question.

Had he joined at the team’s inception, would Nibali have have adopted the Froome role as Wiggo’s fag – or would Team Sky’s first grand tour winner have been an Italian (albeit one coerced into growing his sideburns and uttering cockneyed profanities like a pizza parlour waiter in Clerkenwell)?

Chris Froome in the 2008 Tour de France (image by Bettini courtesy of Cyclingnews)

Back in 2010 nobody could have expected the meteoric rise of Froome, the former Barloworld rider who for years battled against a rare African parasitic disease of the blood; a rider who, nevertheless, according to The Guardian newspaper on Saturday, “showed real potential” in 2008 when “competing on Alpe d’Huez against a formidable climber and doper in Denis Menchov.”

Such accusatory vernacular was a bit gung-ho for even The Guardian, which quickly amended its online version of the article to downgrade Menchov to a plain old “formidable climber” – no doubt following a quick call from the Silent Assassin’s lawyers. (And there we were thinking that the Operacion Puerto trial wasn’t due to open for a couple of days…)

Anyway, back to Nibali and his hypothetical position in Sky. Given what has happened over the past couple of seasons – Froome’s rise coupled with Wiggins’s wins – the Italian probably would have found his way to Astana this season anyway.

As it is, like he was in the 2012 Tour, Nibali will be one of Wiggins’ main opponents in the Giro this May. But the question remains: will Wiggo ride the Giro all-out to win, or with a view to taking his form into the Tour as Sky’s star pupil?

“I’m a reasonable guy. I’m not a dictator,” claimed Wiggo last week in Majorca. From the unchained subject sitting next to him, was there a perceptible frown from Froome?

* * * * *

You can be pretty sure that one of the people who stayed up in his London home until 2am GMT to watch Lance Armstrong’s back-to-back interviews with Oprah at the back end of last week was his old directeur sportif, Johan Bruyneel.

Remember Johan? The guy who in August tweeted: “When has “seven” been “seven” and then not anymore? NEVER…”.

The guy whose reaction to Tyler Hamilton appearing on 60 Minutes with flowing, wavy locks to discuss his doping expose ‘The Secret Race’ was once again summed up in a succinct tweet back in September: “Thinking about writing a book. Apparently, it makes your hair grow…”.

The guy who recently had a pop at Jonathan Vaughters for blocking him on Twitter – although it is thought that Bruyneel has given the same treatment to around 80% of his own 101,250 followers.

The guy who described the recent Change Cycling Now summit in London as a meeting between “a bunch of douches.”

The guy who in November told his followers that “this ain’t over yet, people.”

The same guy who, a month earlier, stressed that “there’s always two sides to a story. Coming soon!” and who – according to Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf – is working on a book that will give his version of events of the U.S. Postal years.

Given that the 48-year-old Belgian is thought to be still planning to go forward with his arbitration with the US Anti-Doping Agency, this promises to be quite a read (although book shops the world over will have their work cut out in deciding whether to place the product on their ‘fiction’ or ‘non-fiction’ shelf).

Anyway, it’s hard to know exactly what’s going through Bruyneel’s head because he’s kept a low profile since being dismissed by RadioShack-Nissan-Trek in the wake of the damning USADA documents being made public.

Bruyneel makes a point at not talking to the press or his critics, preferring to communicate his steely defiance through the odd wine-fuelled tweet.

But while Armstrong himself swiftly took down a reference to his seven Tour de France victories in his Twitter profile, Bruyneel simply updated his to: “7 plus TWO = 13″ (the 7 refers to his Tour wins with Armstrong, the TWO his victories with Alberto Contador, and the 13 his total Grand Tour scalps as DS, including overall wins in the Vuelta and Giro for Roberto Heras and Paolo Savoldelli).

Well, never one to disappoint, Johan could not resist posting a subliminal message the day after the second part of Armstrong’s interview with Oprah elicited such a frosty reception that five inches of snow fell over most of western Europe.

Johan’s Twitter feed contains no reference to the interview but on Sunday he posted a picture of the breakfast table spread for his daughter’s ninth birthday party. And sitting on a plate in the middle of the picture are – at least for those blocked followers like Saddleblaze who can only view a thumbnail of Johan’s pictures – seven yellow cupcakes.

Elsewhere in the cycling world, the fallout from “Doprah” continues with Jan Ullrich – the German juggernaut considered by Armstrong to be his biggest rival both on two wheels and in the doping laboratories – promising not to follow in the footsteps of the American “and speak before an audience of millions – although some have asked me again and again, and perhaps expect it”.

Speaking to the German magazine Focus, the 39-year-old stressed that he was no longer interested in the past, adding: “I live in the here and now – very happily.”

The sausage-obsessed Thomas Gottschalk

But sources close to Saddleblaze have revealed that these denials are a mere smokescreen, with Ullrich in advanced talks with German TV channel ZDF for a two-hour one-on-one live interview with the eccentric talk show host Thomas Gottschalk.

Ullrich is said to have finally caved in to pressure to lift the lid on his past after watching his old foe’s enhanced performance alongside Oprah.

“When he heard Armstrong talk so disparagingly about the East German doping programme of the 70s and 80s, Jan flipped. How do you say in English – it was the stick that whipped the camel’s hump,” said the unnamed Bavarian source (not to be confused with Bavarian Sauce, a curry-based gravy very much enjoyed by Jan Ullrich as a condiment for his daily bratwurst snack at elevenses).

Jan was also said to be “apoplectic” that Armstrong was once overheard bragging that Ullrich was “his bitch,” that he wasn’t as good as cheating and that he was overweight.

“Jan didn’t mind being called a bitch and a cheat and all that other stuff, but – how do you say? – being called fat really pushed him over the ledge,” confided the Munich-based source.

Initially it was thought that David Hasselhoff would conduct the interview in a bid to not alienate audiences in the US – but Ullrich reportedly thought this was too gimmicky. Instead, producers have their hearts set on household favourite Gottschalk, a dapper TV veteran who is the record-breaking face of Haribo and also starred alongside Whoopi Goldberg as a sausage-obsessed German cook in Sister Act 2.

“Jan is a big fan of Gottschalk – not only of his TV work but also his filmography,” said the source.

Ullrich, who won the Tour de France in 1997 and retired in 2007, is currently serving a two-year ban after being implicated in the Operacion Puerto doping ring. Last year, ‘Ulle’ was stripped of his results from 2005 onwards, losing his third place in the 2005.

“Jan’s biggest concern about doing a TV interview is being stripped of his 1997 Tour de France title. It’s easy to see why: for seven years he was bullied by Armstrong and notched more second-places than Raymond Poulidor. But now Armstrong has lost his seven Tours, Jan is set to go down in history as a more successful rider than the Texan. Such a turnaround is life-changing.”

Part of the deal that sees Ullrich open up to Gottschalk would also include a special one-off appearance in the popular gameshow Wetten, dass..?, the most successful Saturday evening television show in Europe.

Following the same format as the British show You Bet! And the American show Wanna Bet?, the Wetten, dass..? Ullrich special is likely to see the Rostock road racer partake in a number of eating challenges as well as some disco dancing.

“Jan is keen to – how do you say? – strike the iron while he is hot. He is also aware that Johan Bruyneel is probably, as we speak, recording a duet with Belgian crooner Johnny Halliday, so his next move must be bold – and this fits the bill,” confirmed the source.

Oprah Winfrey: When you placed third in 2009, you did not dope?

Lance Armstrong: “The last time I crossed that line was 2005.”

OW: Does that include blood transfusions? No doping or blood transfusions in 2009… 2010?

LA: “Absolutely not.”

Let’s just think about that, shall we?

Doc has done some homework for us.

Armstrong’s 2009 comeback blood

don’t tell no clean comeback story

first

take uh look at his giro blood

starts at hgb 14.8

drops to hgb 13

uh 12 percent volume expansion

consistent with what’s expected

uv GT guys

the Tour ?

volume expansion

?

fugg no

starts hgb 14.3

after initial volume expansion

hgb 13.7

then it climbs

n finishes

hgb 14.5

or up 2 gm/dL

from expected

at uh conservative 0.25 w/kg

per

gm/dL

good for a bump

uv

0.5 watts/kg

ie there’s no fuggin way

lance finishes top 10

let uh lone

beets 90 days uv SuperBrad

more importantly

lookit the retic

in the fuggin gutter

consistently suppressed for the entire TDF

consistently acting

like there is too much blood in this body

n

we sure the fugg know

it’s not just his natural response

cuz it’s not what happened in the giro

lance

yer

blood

says 2 things

1. yuh sure is fugg weren’t clean

n

2. yuh just weren’t that good neither

(the 2010 blood telss the same blood doped story)

 * * * * *

veloclinic is the reincarnation of one of our favorite Twitter friends, @captaintbag1, whose tumblr blog posts were a kind of blank verse, Tecate-soaked haiku of truthiness that cut through the slick bullshit and to the very core of what is gloriously fucked up about the sport of cycling. Although the Cap may be gone (sort of), his Doctor tbag/Captain Hyde alter ego lives on, and we’re glad to share his pithy analysis here. Lest you think these are the idiot ramblings of a madman, we’d like you to know that the doc is a legitimate professional in the science of sports medicine, and a savant when it comes to doping analysis. You have been warned.

Sources close to Saddles have revealed that affable Giro general dictator Michele Acquarone is “moving heaven and earth” to ensure the presence of last year’s Tour de France winner in this year’s Giro.

It has already been widely reported that the inclusion of more than 90 time trial kilometres in the 2013 Giro route was brought about with the primary function of attracting Wiggo’s gaze. Now it emerges that this profligacy of against-the-clock machismo marked the symbolic first incidence of long-time Wiggins suitor Acquarone – known by his friends as ‘The Peacock’ – fanning his feathers.

In short, it was the first of many coquettish advances performed in a bid to wantonly woo Wiggins.

“It all started during the Tour last year. We were watching the second time trial in Giro HQ and Michele was entranced by Bradley’s pedal strokes,” said Saddles’ source (not to be confused with Saddle Sauce™ – a brand of bespoke chamois cream).

“At first there was serious consideration given into hosting the opening stage of the Giro in Wiggo’s birth town of Ghent but when that became impossible Michele was quick to suggest Naples.”

The Mediterranean seaside city was selected primarily because it is hoped that the volcanic peak of Vesuvius will remind Wiggins of his training rides in the shadow of Mount Tiede on Tenerife.

Naples is also said to be the favourite Italian city of the singer Paul Weller, with whom Wiggins often jams on his guitar. The pair are currently recording a song set for release in spring.

“When Michele heard about Wiggins and Weller, he went all weak at the knees. ‘We must get them to record the Giro’s official song – now that’s entertainment,’ he told us all in a dream-like stupor.”

Soon after the 2013 route was disclosed, Acquarone and his team announced that Wiggins’ close friend, the British designer Sir Paul Smith, would be designing the Giro’s fabled pink jersey.

The prospect of Sir Bradley Wiggins mounting a podium to put on a special maglia rosa designed by Sir Paul Smith is mouthwatering. Riding the crest of a wave, Acquarone is said to be in favour of approaching British comedians Paul Whitehouse and Mark Williams to record a one-off version of their “Suits you, Sir” sketch from The Fast Show.

“If that wasn’t enough, Michele has even put in a request with Johnny Depp’s publicist for the actor to reprise his guest role from the last ever episode of the series,” said the source. “Apparently Depp is a bigger cycling fan than both Robin Williams and Ben Stiller combined.”

While details of the 2013 Giro opening ceremony are still under wraps, it has leaked that Wiggins has been approached to ring a bell to sound the start of the three-week festival of cycling. This is but one of many movements being carried out to make sure Wiggins feels he is being accommodated, nay groomed, as the official face of the race.

Following her electric on-screen chemistry with Wiggins at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award in London late last year, veteran reporter Susan Barker has reportedly been given a gig as one of the race’s podium girls. A video of Wiggins and Barker eating Italian spaghetti in the style of the hit Disney cartoon Lady And The Tramp is also in the offing, as is a limited edition t-shirt made out of purple velours, designed by Fred Perry and adorned with the catchphrase ‘Look, Susan’.

All male race staff – including the Carabinieri – are being encouraged to grow their sideburns in a bid to pay their respects to the man Acquarone is hoping will succeed Ryder Hesjedal as the maglia rosa in Brescia on 26th May. Meanwhile, Team Sky will be given special dispensation to fill their musettes with McDonald’s burgers to stave off any bonking in the mountains.

It doesn’t stop at making Wiggins simply feel at home. In fact, the latest raft of rumours seem to indicate that Acquarone and his team are also bent on giving Wiggins a sporting advantage during the race.

As such, Fabian Cancellara is likely to be banned from the race, while steps are being taken to ensure that Tony Martin suffers a nasty fall in the opening week, whereby eliminating Wiggins’ principal threats for the all-important time trials.

Acquarone was also the driving force behind Katusha not receiving a wild-card invite for the race. “He thought that the last thing the race needed was Joaquim Rodriguez pushing for the pink jersey,” said Saddles’ source.

Complicated measures have been taken to ensure that the route never passes nearby petrol station forecourts for fear of Wiggins colliding with rogue drivers.

It is also thought that an online “Froome Fund” has been set up by Acquarone to make sure that Wiggins’ favoured right-hand man is on hand to guide him up the Galibier. Only once this job has been done will Froome be allowed to retire from the race and concentrate on his preparations for the Tour de France.

“Michele isn’t only offering Chris money. He’s pulled the strings with some of his well-connected friends in London: Froome will be honoured with a Victoria Cross for self-sacrifice on the battlefield in the 2013 New Year’s honours list.”

Talking of honours, it is said to be Acquarone’s bizarre infatuation with not only being responsible for helping Wiggins make history, but also making history himself, that is proving his most steely motivation.

“Michele has it in his head that should Wiggo win the Giro one year after he wins the Tour, he’ll be in line for a peerage. He wants to be the man who will be remembered in the history books as being the principal contributor to Wiggins’ upgrading from a Sir to a Lord. This might sound odd, but I believe he fancies himself as a type of honorary Italian Austin Powers type figure – but with better teeth,” added the source with a whisper.

Acquarone offered no comment when approached by Saddleblaze about these allegations. He did, however, stress his disappointment that Katusha’s absence from the race would deprive fans of the chance to see Denis Menchov in action.

When quizzed about the choice of wildcards for the race, Acquarone said the decision had been a difficult one and hoped that next year a new system will jazz things up a little. Acquarone is said to be in favour of seven wild cards joining 15 ProTour teams, with a public fan vote deciding just who makes the cut.

“He already told us about his plans to produce a Saturday night reality TV game show called ‘Who Wants To Be A Giro Wildcard?’ which will be presented by Silvio Berlusconi’s new wife,” confirmed the source.

One thing’s for sure, with Michele Acquarone at the helm, things are rarely boring. Which is why, quite frankly, his efforts to make Wiggins the face of the Giro is just so very baffling…

how misguided science

buried the EPO effect

cap decided

to do sum wurk

n see if he was completely wrong

turns out

he probably wasn’t

above is what happens if yuh plot TDF

overall finishing times

with distance

across time

yer eye should immediately be drawn to

how the two

consistently vary together

in if plotted time vs distance

yuh kin see the nicely clustered around uh linear relationship

or how

the variation in distance

will explain

most uv the variation in finish times

compared to

plotting overall finishing time

vs

time at functional power

(in this case alpe d’Huez was used as a consistently repeated climb over the years that would be climbed at FTP)

yuh kin see that while

there may be a weak correlation

the data is scattered

supporting the idea

that overall finishing time

does not necessarily correlate well

with the FTP portions uv the race

fine then

what bout overal speed

does it vary consistently with FTP speed ?

eh

well sort uv

there may be uh correlation there

but again

the scattering uv the data suggests

there are many factors besides FTP

that’ll determine overall finishing time

ie

if yer actually trying tuh find the EPO

effect

better lookit were it is a dominant factor

 * * * * *

veloclinic is the reincarnation of one of our favorite Twitter friends, @captaintbag1, whose tumblr blog posts were a kind of blank verse, Tecate-soaked haiku of truthiness that cut through the slick bullshit and to the very core of what is gloriously fucked up about the sport of cycling. Although the Cap may be gone (sort of), his Doctor tbag/Captain Hyde alter ego lives on, and we’re glad to share his pithy analysis here. Lest you think these are the idiot ramblings of a madman, we’d like you to know that the doc is a legitimate professional in the science of sports medicine, and a savant when it comes to doping analysis. You have been warned.

n

pull off the Pink TDF

?

why the shit not

he

held uh peak

fer 60 days last year

n

judging by his

TDF 130 whatever

to

yellow

he is the new

benchmark

fer what is

in physiological transformations possible

out with the swim coach

n

in with who the fugg knows

so the premise uv Brad2012

was

a swimming coach

brought Brad the radical concept

uv reverse periodization

also known as

what most uv us

who can’t tolerate 9 hr rides

uv grabassin all winter long

call

training

the premise being

light the fuggin match early n fuggin often

n

throught the process uv

detonating

ever so slightly less soon

get to where

a descent clip

kin finally be held

fer a descent clip

n masters fatties be shed

like wet dog fur inna front seat uv a Honda

problem is

now that Brads eyein

the pyellow jersey

at the

giro d’france

means

he’s gotta be goin

not just fast

may through August

but goin fuggin fast n long

which means

that he’s gotta

reverse

the reverse periodization

n

re reverse it

all in the month uv June

which kin only mean one thing

now that Leinders is gone

n

that is

hiring a cricket coach

n mitt Romneys wife’s horse trainer

* * * * *

veloclinic is the reincarnation of one of our favorite Twitter friends, @captaintbag1, whose tumblr blog posts were a kind of blank verse, Tecate-soaked haiku of truthiness that cut through the slick bullshit and to the very core of what is gloriously fucked up about the sport of cycling. Although the Cap may be gone (sort of), his Doctor tbag/Captain Hyde alter ego lives on, and we’re glad to share his pithy analysis here. Lest you think these are the idiot ramblings of a madman, we’d like you to know that the doc is a legitimate professional in the science of sports medicine, and a savant when it comes to doping analysis. You have been warned.

Fuglsang’s Hair is a little upset due to Jakob’s lack of consultation on the Tour de France leadership role (image courtesy of VeloNews.com)

In an exclusive interview with Cyclismas, Fuglsang’s hair expressed its frustration with the fact it was “categorically ignored and was not consulted” prior to the announcement by Martinelli.

“I’m probably the most important part of Fuglsang. I’m his identity. The core of his being. His most prominent feature that makes all the cycling lady fans swoon. I’m disappointed and distraught Jakob failed to ask my opinion on whether he should captain the Tour, let alone ride it,” commented Hair Fuglsang.

Hair Fuglsang admits it’s been a rocky time between the ‘do and Jakob.

“I won’t lie, we’ve had our issues this year. Mainly because of Bruyneel. In fact, there was a time when Jakob was smoking cigars he was so upset with that idiot Johan. We argued over the cigar smoking, as it’s horrible for my health and makes me smell bad. Jakob yelled at me for the first time in years. He was pulling at me, screaming, crying and generally distraught. I have to thank Vinokourov for at least recommending to Jakob that he smoke outside to minimize the effects on me,” continued Hair Fuglsang.

The highlight of the year for Hair Fuglsang in a year of many lows was a surprising one.

“I have to say the mug shot for the Olympics was my high point this year. I really, really, really got to be me. I was able to stretch and to reach for the sky. I have to appreciate Jakob for giving me that sort of freedom to show the world my true personality. I think it made him feel a tad vulnerable, though, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing,” reflected Hair Fuglsang.

When asked what the odds were for a Fuglsang Tour victory, Hair Fuglsang didn’t mince words.

“I think if he makes the right relationships with his teammates, especially Gasparotto, he’ll be successful. I hope we patch things up soon, because I feel I can really make him soar to great heights at the Tour,” stated Hair Fuglsang.

In fact, the coif revealed exclusively to Cyclismas that Astana was in negotiations with noted clothing maker Lacoste to create a line of visors for Hair and Jakob Fuglsang which would prominently feature the unique mop of hair during podium ceremonies in 2013.

“We’re going to have four or five versions, featuring the colors and designs of the jerseys Jakob has won. My favorite is the rainbow design celebrating his U23 mountain biking world championship. I’m secretly hoping he wears the king of the mountains jersey during the Tour. The polka dot one is off the hook, and would be nice to release,” a bubbly Hair Fuglsang revealed.

The most distinctive Hair in the peloton concluded the interview with this wistful statement, hoping it could patch things up with Jakob.

“He’s young. He’s excitable. I’ll forgive him for not consulting me on this decision. I know that it’s going to give me the opportunity to showcase what Jakob and I can do together. I dream of yellow on the Champs,” stated an emotional Hair.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

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