The Hell of the (Italian) North came a few weeks early in Sunday’s snow-spattered Milan-San Remo, which reduced a peloton of grown men to frozen tears and congealed grimaces of the kind even Michele Acquarone could never elicit.

“It’s snowing so much this could be biathlon,” tweeted Argos-Shimano’s Koen de Kort during the enforced 50km bus transfer time-out. “If so, can I be shot first?” he added, deploringly.

Funny Koen should mention biathlon – for it was the ski-and-shoot winter sport that was running on Eurosport before the Milan-San Remo feed was fired up. When the coverage did start, confused spectators would have been forgiven in thinking Eurosport had picked up the rights for a new type of cross-genre sport: snow cycling with pensioners.

Hell of the Liguria (photo from RCS Sport)

For the riders rolling into a blizzard-consumed Ovada (117km from the start of “La Classicissima”) it looked as if they were knocking on heaven’s door.

Robbie “Jowls” Hunter (from David Millar’s Twitter stream)

David Millar posted a string of images from the Garmin-Sharp team bus showing his team-mates sporting white snow beards on their puffy faces; Robbie Hunter had about four chins and looked as if he were old enough to be Chris Horner’s son; Millar’s sun-glasses (ski goggles?) were covered in a layer of frosty slush, while everyone’s helmets were encrusted with a thick layer of ice.

There were reports of many riders breaking down in tears while at least two riders reportedly had icicles hanging off their earlobes.

“Riders were shaking so badly they had fallen off their bikes,” said GreenEDGE DS Neil Stephens. Indeed, the very same thing happened to the Australian team’s 2011 champion, Matt Goss, who took a tumble with a cluster of other riders ten minutes before the break. Viewers on Eurosport probably thought they were watching the ski jumping.

For Tom Boonen, it was all simply too much. Having last year fine-tuned a propensity for falling off his bike into a masterclass of one-day domination, Boonen was understandably adverse to jeopardising his forthcoming Belgian Classics campaign by persisting in trying to break his duck in a race that was fast becoming a chilling circus of intolerably brutality.

Boonen opted for this ride to finish his MSR (Bettini image courtesy Cyclingnews)

“I think my decision says enough,” an irate Boonen told Sporza in a case of towel-in and toys-out. Although clearly Tommeke didn’t think his decision had said quite enough, for the donkey-owning ace went on to explain: “This is partly a precaution but also a statement to the organisation. They knew long enough that there was so much snow on the road. What happens now is the fault of the organisation. Have you ever wanted to bicycle through the snow? There are nicer things than this. I’m completely frozen.”

There are indeed nicer things than a freezing ride through the snow. A warm bus transfer, hot shower, change of clothes, bowl of pasta, cup of tea, and free WiFi, for starters.

But imagine getting all those things – and then having to go out and brave the elements yet again. For another undulating 125 kilometres. Along the coast as waves are crashing against the shore. In temperatures close to zero. And while it’s raining more than your average day in London.

“I don’t know whether the first or the second part was the worst,” said Edvald Boasson Hagen. “Both were very cold. The first part was more comical, the second part was only hell.”

Clearly accustomed to the volcanic heat of Mount Teide, Boasson Hagen was one of 67 riders who could not complete the race. The list included three of the initial six-man breakaway whose 7’10” advantage from the opening alpine segment of the race was carried over after the restart.

Lars Bak and his inflatable goves

One of the riders from the break who did stick it out was Lars Bak. Of all the escapees, the big Dane looked in the most discomfort – in particular with his hands. On numerous occasions, the Lotto Belisol giant was seen blowing into his gloves as well as squeezing out the water.

Matteo Montaguti, one of the fugitives who called it a day once caught 30km from the finish, looked utterly miserable throughout the whole afternoon – as if he were merely riding as some kind of Homeland-style interrogational punishment. (Perhaps Abu Nazzir and Agent Brody had commandeered the Ag2R-La Mondiale team car – giving all their riders good reason for wearing brown shorts.)

Vincenzo Nibali, who in better conditions would have targeted making some headway on La Manie, if not the opening Passo del Turchino, suffered all day with the cold. Over each of the ‘tre capi’ climbs Nibali was barely hanging onto the back of the peloton. He changed his gloves numerous times and once – on the Capo Soprano – even appeared to stop beside the road for a total clothes change.

Poor Nibali. The Shark is used to a warm jet-stream. Nothing had prepared him for this. It was as if he’d been swimming around the Mediterranean in the hight of summer, fallen asleep, got caught in a current, and awoken in the Arctic Ocean surrounded by penguins in black and white capes. With the outcome looking more and more like it would be decided by a sprint, and the Sicilian’s hands getting colder and colder by the pedal stroke, Nibali jumped into the team car on the backside of the Cipressa.

“This was just a black day in every sense of the word,” the Astana star said. “There was a moment when I thought maybe I had chosen the wrong sport,” he added, perhaps thinking about biathlon.

The irony of the whole disjointed day was that – despite the snow, the tears, the enforced break and shortened parcours – it was still shaping up to be a two-way battle between the two pre-race favourites of Peter Sagan and Fabian Cancellara.

Sure, Sylvain Chavanel (who we all thought had withdrawn) and Ian Stannard provided some much-needed sparks of uncertainty, while a late surge from Taylor Phinney (who we all thought had withdrawn) was the requisite stimulus for one final curveball.

But in the end, Sagan had the simple task of winning a six-way sprint and he did so with consummate ease. Except he would have done had he not ballsed it up.

The Slovak sensation was paying too much attention to Cancellara and having led out the final sprint early, he seemed to take his foot off the accelerator inside the closing metres to allow Gerald Ciolek to nip through for an unexpected win.

The “under-evaluated” Ciolek spoils Sagan’s sprint success (image courtesy Team MTN-Qhubeka)

Sagan, who hasn’t had much of an opportunity to brush up his celebrations for second place in recent months, was left flummoxed by the result. He actually looked across at Ciolek with a mixture of disbelief and disgust. Later, he told reporters that he had “thrown away Milan-San Remo”, that he had “under-evaluated” his opponent and had “left it on a plate for Ciolek.”

As for Ciolek, this win could signal a turning point for a rider whose career has somewhat stalled, despite once being rated higher than Mark Cavendish and Andre Greipel at T-Mobile.

Ciolek rides for new outfit MTN-Qhubeka, Africa’s first Pro Continental cycling team, which made the former Milram and Quick Step speedster as their marquee signing in the summer. The wildcard South African team (whose wondrously named press officer Xylon van Eyck) has a knack of sending out unfathomably upbeat daily press releases, now have their big break in the most dramatic of circumstances.

As Qhubeka team director Douglas Ryder says, it doesn’t get much bigger than beating Sagan and Cancellara in the first of cycling’s five monumental one-day races. That the peloton’s only African team should prevail in the snow is rather poetic, too. Heck, one would imagine that the victory will push Oscar Pistorius off the front page of the South African papers for a day or two as well.

Serenity now: Cavendish finds time to explore a burgeoning career as a landscape artist painting beautiful scenery. (image by photopress.be via cyclingnews.com)

“I have to admit, it’s been a bit difficult adjustment for me at OPQS after a year of absolute trials and tribulations. I’ve had to come up with another hobby to occupy my time,” stated the British superstar at a pre-Tirreno Adriatico press conference in Donoratico.

Last year Cavendish had a challenging season of excessive team infighting with his childhood mate Brad Wiggins. The turmoil culminated with Team Sky former directeur sportif Sean Yates stating over the radio at the Tour de France, “Who the f**k cares where Cavendish is right now, he can fetch bottles until the Champs.”

“Every day there was something new that I had to respond to on Twitter, or a phone call I had to field, or stupid questions I had to answer about riders from the tainted era, all because Brad couldn’t play nice with the press,” commented Cavendish.

The Manxman had to cope with juggling not only the demands of being one of the sprinting superstars of the sport, but also how to deal with a lack of internal team support when Sky principal and Doctor Evil doppelgänger David Brailsford elected to give his all in achieving the goals of Bradley Wiggins.

“I didn’t even get one of those superbikes like Brad rode at the Olympics. Thank goodness they didn’t put me on bottle duty at the last minute during the road race. It was touch and go for awhile, but they still screwed me up for any chance of a medal,” commented the Manx Missile.

With that chapter closed, Cavendish has taken up painting to fill the gaps.

“Since I don’t have to deal with all those team politics anymore, life has been pretty easy. In fact, with all this free time from not having to be on the phone constantly, I’ve had time to learn how to paint landscapes. It’s been quite therapeutic. Plus, Boonen has been fun to cook with when he comes over to my place,” continued Cavendish.

Cavendish’s new benefactor, Zdenek Bakala, noted how talented Cavendish has become as a painter.

“It’s quite possible the challenges Mark faced last year have taught him the patience to become an accomplished artist. His latest work has garnered the attention of art critics in London who were very impressed with his technique and subject matter,” stated Bakala.

Cavendish is thoroughly pleased with his new hobby and the ability to spend more time with his family without having to satisfy the “ridiculous” media requirements of Team Sky. He also hopes to be able to rekindle his sprint rivalry with Andre Greipel at Tirreno.

“Both Andre and I are tranquillo now. It’s almost as good as our time at HTC with Bob (Stapleton). I’m looking forward to us dueling at Tirreno. I’m also pleased I’m doing the Italian races this year, as I don’t think I could handle awful French food this early in the season,” concluded Cavendish.

The first stage of Tirreno-Adriatico  kicks off Wednesday with a team time trial on the picturesque coast of Italy just south of Pisa.

Boonen on the podium after his Flanders win. Reports hint that the brunette podium girl was the other occupant of the Ferrari

Initial police reports indicate that Bakala gave Boonen the keys to the vehicle after a “riotous” dinner party with several local celebrities, and Boonen proceeded to drive the vehicle at high speeds in the area of Oudenaarde before taking the Enzo onto the grounds of Park Baron Casier in Waregem. According to Boonen’s statement to authorities, he was doing “Enzo Endos” on the grounds of the public park.

The vehicle was found upside down near the castle on the grounds of Baron Casier Park, with Boonen stripped to the waist standing on top of the overturned super car, twirling his shirt over his head, singing loudly to the LMFAO song “I’m Sexy and I Know It.” According to anonymous bystanders, the female companion was clad only in “her knickers.”

The grounds of the park sustained significant damage due to the high-speed racing by Boonen in the Ferrari. One of the gates, at Market Street, sustained significant damage where Boonen crashed Bakala’s car through, and the vehicle itself was described by sources as “an utterly complete farcical write off.”

Several fountains sustained damage, and the castle itself underwent what could only be described as “tagging.”  Boonen’s camp is denying any involvement with the fountain damage, nor the graffitti on the castle, and has not issued any formal statements in relation to the escapades.

Belgian authorities are refusing to confirm if drugs or alcohol were factors in the events leading to the defacing of a local cultural icon, but eye-witness accounts commented on the size of Tom’s “Booner,” which might indicate use of certain products of a sexual enhancement nature.

Boonen himself refused to issue any statements to the media in relation to the unfortunate event, however Bakala was quick to come to the defense of Boonen.

“Hey, it’s only a car. I’ve got another 40 in various houses around the world. I’m sure the check I write to the town of Waregem will make this all go away. I look forward to Tommeke winning in Roubaix next week,” smiled a rather soused Bakala.

It is unknown at this time whether Boonen will be charged with any crimes.

Pozzato motors at the E3 (photo courtesy @jeredgruber via cyclingnews.com)

“It is much disappointing for me to see Mario stealing mine and Nibali’s essence after the two of us have such a grandissimo start to 2012,” shared a despondent Pozzato. “After much suffering at Katusha, I am happy to be back in the breasts of Italy. I thank Angelo Citracca for making me comforted.”

Pozzato went on to document the exasperating media push by the “Lion King,” which culminated in a bizarre 35-minute interview during a live Tirreno-Adriatico telecast, where Vincenzo Nibali cemented his status as a GC contender for 2012, and Cipollini attempted to distract the Italian media away from Pozzato’s return to form in this year’s classics.

When asked what specifically bothered him about Mario and his so-called “thunder stealing,” Pozzato was fairly direct and blunt. “He’s old. His physical prowess requires those little pills of energy. This is time he thrusts himself on women half his age, and enjoys the twilight of his lifespan. He should leave racing and attention to the young lions who easily lap his so-called sporting strengthness.”

Members of the press corps pointed out that Mario had achieved this feat by sponsoring a women’s team, and had recently done a photo and video spread in the Hills of Italy, passing on his “training tips.”

Pozzato, unaware of the photo session, smiled in reply. “That is first step of the grandissimo retired champion. I pray his lady team keep him busy and away from the Giro duties, and keep him distracted for the Flanders this weekend,” stated a focused Pippo.

Pozzato heads into this weekend as one of the heavy favorites, but faces an uphill battle against the strong one-two punch of the Omega-Pharma-Quickstep duo of Tom Boonen and Sylvain Chavanel. The Tour of Flanders – minus the Muur and the Bosberg – goes off Sunday.

Will Boonen be a crazy Belgian fan or a rider in Qatar next year? (Photo courtesy of ASO)

Responding to comments from U.S.-born BMC rider, Taylor Phinney, who stated, “If I wanted to ride on freeways and stare at the desert, I could have stayed at home,” the Sheikh said he felt the need to take care of the future star of the sport.

“We have negotiated with governor Jerry Brown of the great American state of California to purchase Mt. Shasta for six billion U.S. dollars, and we will be moving it to Qatar for the 2013 edition of the race,” declared Al Thani the Just.

Details were sketchy at press time, but anonymous sources in the governor’s office said the deal needed to be made, with the state facing a pending $3 billion debt problem in March. The looming debt crisis could have tipped the entire country’s economy into default, something that Brown didn’t want to have happen on his watch.

The office of the President of the United States also confirmed that military resources and technology would be put to work for the move, confirming that military exercises recently conducted in Los Angles were related.

However, the Sheikh also noted that it wasn’t enough to obtain the landmark – scheduled to be deposited near the town of Bir Zekrit – as Qatar also felt they needed “crazy cycling fans” to line the route of the 6-stage race.

“After watching 62,000 crazy Belgian fans during the cyclocross world championships, we felt that purchasing the population of Belgium for our race would really add the necessary cycling flavor to the broadcasts. They have proven to be the most cycling-mad nation on the planet. It is a good investment on our part,” commented the Sheikh.

The posed some confusion, however, as the 2012 race winner Tom Boonen is Belgian.

“Does this mean I’m supposed to be a crazy fan? Or am I going to race next year? Leave it to these oil-rich folks to make a mess of the sport, let alone the world. Whatever…” concluded a confused Boonen.

When asked for clarification on the Belgian’s conundrum, UCI boss Pat McQuaid was specific, “I have no comment on this situation. I will say that it’s none of your business what we do for the sport, nor is it Tom’s [Boonen] place to worry about anything other than riding a bike. Our record on globalization is strong.”

Noted human rights activist and Eurosport commentator David Harmon offered his two cents on the deal, “I’m quite interested in the logistics of not only moving mountains, but also an entire population for six days. But of course if anyone can make something happen, it’s American ethics and know-how coupled with Qatari money.”

Farrar is visibly disturbed after getting "smoked" on consecutive stages (photo courtesy of KARIM JAAFAR/AFP/Getty Images)

“This team is a joke. Greipel’s team signs the best of the former HTC leadout train, including [Adam] Hansen and Hendy [Greg Henderson]. Eisel, who beat me to the line today is picked up for Cav, Boonen’s going like he’s back on coke again, and all these young guns are coming at me like a fucking tennis ball machine gone mad,” commented a livid Farrar.

When asked to clarify what signings were a joke, Farrar replied, “Bauer. Haas. Klier. I mean it’s a buffet of opportunists for the classics, not a group of guys who can deliver me to a finish line. Fischer is the best I’ve got? Seriously? C’mon, this team is a joke. Vaughters promises all sorts of shit, and then all he cares about is time trial crap because he thinks it’s all Salinger ‘pure’ and shit. Man, I gotta go to a new team that knows what they’re doing. I shouldn’t have flatted,” continued Farrar.

When asked if team tactics played a part in how the stage finished, Farrar was blunt, “You’ll have to ask Weltz that, if he can get his head out of Armstrong’s ass long enough,” in reference to Directeur Sportif Johnny Weltz’ pro-Armstrong rant after the long-running federal investigation was closed by U.S. Attorney André Birotte on Friday.

Garmin-Barracuda CEO Johnathan Vaughters was less impressed with the comments, considering it was the second time in less than a week that an employee broke ranks and spoke publicly on subjects which cast the team in an unfavorable light.

“There must be something in the water in Qatar. Either that, or my mind control chips must not work in that region. We’ll have to get both Farrar and Weltz back to the lab for some electronic fine tuning,” commented Vaughters, adding, “First Weltz. Then Contador breaks in on our victory dance, and now Farrar is going rogue. I think I need to throw some sort of AIGCP smackdown to take away the spotlight from our team issues.”

Stage Five of the Tour of Qatar goes on Thursday, where it is expected that Mark Cavendish will again take his turn at frustrating Farrar.

In an accident that stopped the peloton on the narrow French road like water in a kinked hose, RadioShack’s Horner crashed off to the side of the road and landed in a ditch. Team director Johan Bruyneel responded to his downed rider and gave this description:

When I got there, he was lying in a ditch and was very shaken. It was obvious he’d hit very hard. He finished the stage and I think basically he’s OK physically, but we’re taking him to the hospital to have a scan. He doesn’t really know where he is right now or what happened. We’ll see what the results are but I fear the worst.

If you had not seen the stage and only read Bruyneel’s first hand account of Horner lying in a ditch you still begin to wonder why the RadioShack rider was allowed to ride in a state of confusion. Horner was given his bike and his instinct to continue racing kicked in. The race doctor pulled along side Horner and monitored him the entire way. He finished the stage – confused, bruised, broken, and bleeding. It was the video of Horner after the stage, totally confused and asking what happened, that leaves cycling fans stunned and wondering why he was not pulled from the race.

The internet lit up regarding Horner’s ride to the finish. Studies have shown that having an elevated heart rate after a concussion can further do damage to the brain. Additionally, there’s that voice of common sense saying a guy that’s confused should not be controlling a vehicle that rolls on two skinny wheels. People lashed out at Bruyneel’s decision to let Horner remount and carry on. People also pointed fingers at the Tour race doctor who was attending to him as they rolled along.

JoE Silva, cycling columnist for NBC Sports said, “Doesn’t anyone remember what happened to actress Natasha Richardson after she fell off her skis and seemed to be okay?” Richardson fell while taking skiing lessons. She refused medical assistance and after complaining of a headache was taken to the hospital. She died two days later due to an epidural hematoma from the blunt impact to the head.

In response to the criticism Bruyneel fired off a curt reply via Twitter:

To all my haters: why don’t you comment on facts instead of on rumors? Or even better: don’t comment at all!”

He followed up later stating that Horner was in the hospital and was doing better.

However, Reuters is reporting that Horner’s last memory is of Stage 2’s team time trial. I guess Bruyneel has a different standard of what’s considered “okay.”

So who is to blame for letting Horner continue to race? Bruyneel is the first to the scene of Horner’s crash and by his own words said he found him confused and bleeding – why hand him a bike? I don’t expect Bruyneel to be able to make a medical evaluation, but common sense should come into play. If he was as confused as Bruyneel himself stated, Horner shouldn’t have continued to ride. The other person to blame is the Tour doctor. They both let him continue while he was a danger to himself and others. It’s common practice for doctors to make an evaluation of the rider following a crash. So why would these two different people, who have the authority to pull him from the race, let him continue?

Team directors are not riders’ friends. A rider is an asset that needs to keep running until it just can’t continue. If you had seen this happen to your child or loved one would you have given him their bike back with a push back into the peloton? Of course you wouldn’t. Why? Because you care about them as a person and not as a paid asset. The Tour doctor knows how important it is to keep riders in the race, but the doctor should have looked further than the remaining 25 kilometers of the stage and pulled the plug. It borders on incompetence gambling with Horner’s life like that.

I’m sure Bruyneel cares about Horner the person, but his perspective of the rider as a much needed member of the team appears to come first. Even if he is also looking out for a rider’s personal goal of staying in the Tour, a director needs to be more detached and not let the pressures of the Tour cloud their judgement. Remember when Lance Armstrong crashed out of the Tour of California in 2010? His injuries were no way as severe, but just as gruesome-looking. Like Horner, Armstrong was bloodied and bruised about the face. As it was just the Tour of California, Armstrong abandoned to recover for his run at the Tour de France. When you’re racing the Tour a rider is pushed to their utmost limit. However, that doesn’t make it right to enable them to continue.

Bruyneel isn’t the only one who continued to push his solider out of the trench and into battle. Tom Boonen crashed hard in Stage 5 and finished the stage. The next day he completed another stage. Finally he quit during Stage 7. After Boonen abandoned he revealed that he had thrown up in the night, couldn’t tolerate colors or sound and had a huge headache.

“That’s cycling,” said Boonen with a sigh. “If you can put on your racing number you can race” is how CyclingNews.com reported it.

QuickStep director Wilfried Peeters is the one who allowed Boonen to continue in what is another case of staggering incompetence. You have a rider who is clearly suffering from a concussion and you don’t make the executive decision to pull him from the race? But for Peeters, Boonen’s 2011 season hasn’t lived up to expectations. He wants his pound of flesh from the sprinter, probably hoping he would recover and can win a stage to redeem the QuickStep squad’s Tour. They don’t have a GC contender and Boonen was their one solid chance for a stage victory. As with all professional athletes it’s about what have you done for the team/owner lately. If not much, well suck it up and get back out there! Cycling, football, baseball, hockey, you name the sport – they all have their own stories of athletes being treated like meat.

It was good to hear that Garmin-Cervelo’s Dr. Prentice Steffen has a protocol in place for dealing with a rider who might be suffering from a concussion.

In an interview with CyclingNews.com he says, “I came up with it based on research and the Zurich conference on head injuries in sport.”

The assessment is a step-by-step questionnaire that the rider must answer. Staff have been trained in this and it is team policy to pull the rider from the race if they show signs of impairment.

In a season that has seen the tragic death of one rider and the continuing rehabilitation of another, head injuries should be the foremost thought in a team director’s mind. However, winning or at least still having the foot soldiers in place to continue the fight seems to be more important. Here’s to Chris Horner and the other injured riders making a full recovery.

Follow Neil on Twitter @Neilroad and on his always amusing, yet informative, Tour de France Live Chats at NeilBrowne.com