Illustration created exclusively for Cyclismas by Anders Bendixen (@andersbendixen on Twitter)

Having Hushovd and Wiggins – two very prominent riders stricken with major sickness – exit races prematurely also draws attention to the amount of illnesses occurring in the peloton. Many pundits have noted these gastro-events seemed to be occurring in mass proportions this year, but upon closer inspection, really aren’t happening with any more frequency than any other year. However, it can be said our sensitivity to these stories is heightened, due to the increase in ulcers and general tummy stress in 2013 brought on by the Armstrong business, the steady stream of confessions reminiscent of a Hague war crimes tribunal investigation and hearing, and the overall reluctance by the UCI to acknowledge just how much shite they are in, metaphorically and literally.

Let’s dive into the morass that is the UCI. Why not? It seems to be my favourite topic, especially in light of what we have accomplished in less than a week with fundraising for Paul Kimmage, and the subsequent media backlash against the UCI. In fact, the gastrointestinal epidemic that was previously sweeping the peloton metaphorically all of these years seems to be shifting upward to the shite flotilla that is the UCI president and former president.

And rightfully so.

The list of those who are downing the Alka-Seltzer and nervously typing away news pieces and opinion pieces against the bloated and cranky governing body has grown to its own epidemic proportions. Richard Moore. Edward Pickering. Daniel Benson. Rupert Guinness. Lionel J. Birnie. Every major English speaking cycling media outlet has covered or commented in support of Paul Kimmage. As I’ve mentioned publicly in my appearances promoting the Kimmage Fund and privately to many in the sport, Paul seems to be the match to light the fire of discontent against the governing body.

In this respect, 2012 has been a significantly different year over 2011. As you may recall, McQuaid attacked Jens Voigt, threatened WorldTour teams if they didn’t attend Beijing, sent nasty notes over the radio ban, and didn’t authorize any blood testing at several races where they were in charge of anti-doping controls. Yet, the press didn’t really seem to latch onto any of these issues with any great fervour. The media wrung their hands, afraid to say anything against McQuaid or Verbruggen, afraid of a potential “black-listing” which could have a negative impact on advertising/marketing campaigns. Many who stuck their toes in the water of “negative” UCI coverage received an email of rebuke from McQuaid or Verbruggen. Some received phone calls from Carpani. Others received earfuls from management committee members. The status quo was maintained.

However, 2012, began with a bang. Chloe Hosking called McQuaid “a bit of a dick.”

This one simple event began a year of PR disaster after PR disaster for the sport governing body. Hosking was reproached by Australian Cycling and many Aussie pros, male and female, bristled at the attempt by the cycling federation to censor one of their riders who chose to exercise her right to “free speech.” With this first incident, the tone was set. What followed was a cascade of events that caused many inside cycling at all levels and areas to really examine the nervous stomach condition caused by the governing body. Many folks began asking the question, “Why should the UCI be allowed to act in this manner? What really do I have to fear?”

A plethora of journalists were granted extensive interviews with the UCI President during the spring, which exposed his complete lack of depth in managing the sport of cycling. CycleSport. Rouleur. Velo. Procycling. The timing, for McQuaid, was most unfortunate as a 2011 of near misses turned into one of hitting bulls-eyes, as the more he spoke, the more it became evident of the selfish nature of his plans and ideas. One just has to recall my favourite line from the Herbie Sykes interview with him in Rouleur where McQuaid says everything is ultimately “his decision.” In an organisation which has a mission of inclusiveness and equal promotion for all, such arrogance shows just how out of step with the times the top levels of cycling’s management have become.

McQuaid was pressed a little harder on his soundbites. His flip flops. Supporting USADA. Not Supporting USADA. Writing nasty letters to USADA. Giving Hanzhou a WorldTour to only rescind said WorldTour race a few months later.  One just has to recall his horrendous press conference hastily called at the London Olympics, where his comments on the aforementioned USADA action against Armstrong where murky and unintelligible at best, self-serving and protectionist at worst. One quote from a video interview with Sporza was used against him by USADA during the “unconstitutional” fiasco, where Armstrong thought a U.S. federal judge could stall or save him from the USADA investigation.

This past weekend left us with the malaise of McQuaid’s “we have no responsibility in the past” statement, including a MOTION from the UCI management committee, brought forward by my favourite committee member, Mike “Head Up Hein’s Arse” Turtur, whose motion stated they were going to effectively ignore the black era that was the Armstrong mess.  David Millar made his feeling quite well-known on the subject, both in private and publicly. It was the final insult to the sport, piggybacked on the Kimmage announcement only days prior.

Speaking of Kimmage, those nasty tummy troubles didn’t really begin to make a shift from the peloton onto the rest of us until the “rough ride” was revealed. Once it was learnt Kimmage received the Swiss subpoena, it seemed we’d all had enough of the debilitating stomach issues and decided to do something about it. What started as support for a journalist who was unfairly targeted by “the elite” of cycling’s “rulers” became, as Carlton Reid said in his piece on bikebiz.com, a referendum on the UCI itself, where to date over 1,165 people have “voted” with their wallets.

It has become apparent that the discontent with how the sport has been managed has transformed from our own gastrointestinal malaise into a focused campaign to create change. It couldn’t come at a better time, with the Armstrong era being exposed as the fraud it was and the revelation of the extent of that governing body’s role in that fraud. With a pivotal election coming in the UCI in 2013, a grassroots movement for change at the federation level, the professional road-cycling level, and the fan level has begun to grow exponentially. We know this is the case when prominent cycling journalists begin to re-examine their public stance towards the sport’s most talked-about star and its international governing body, and make comments as Rupert Guinness did Thursday in his column:

So in many ways it is about Kimmage, because without his voice and those of a brave minority who dared to speak out, the sport may not be on the cusp of the potential change it faces today. Whether that chance is seized, requires all in the sport to recognise the wrongs committed – me included. But it must also come from up top at the UCI. If not, then those up top must go.

So now what happens? Now what takes place? As Sean Connery said in The Untouchables movie scene I tweeted earlier this week, “… and then what are you prepared to do?” What happens after Kimmage fights his battle against the UCI? What about China? What about Global Cycling Promotion’s drain on the ProTour fund? What about all the conflict of interest? What about all the decisions made that are counter to the UCI constitution?

It’s time for a plan to inflict change.

You owe it to your tummy.

You can find more work from illustrator Anders Bendixen on his website.

Bugno spent the day in a VIP media car, which subsequently was removed from the Tour “for excessive alcohol consumption,” and could not contain his frustration as he watched Cavendish “hump bottles like a sleazy Saudi camel” and tow the front of the peloton as if he were a “lowly Bangkok rickshaw driver.”

“Team Sky are a disgrace to cycling. They should be upholding certain standards as the team with the special honor of having the world road race champion, especially one recently declared the greatest sprinter of all-time by L’Equipe. A man of his stature deserves an entourage and red-carpet treatment, not the asinine disgracing for the service of that guy wearing the maillot jaune,” Bugno spittled. “When I was world champion, I never fetched a bottle, no matter how much better a teammate may have been, and that includes Laurent Fignon. What’s next? Being demoted to shuttling groupies to the leader’s room?”

In fact, Bugno feels that this could, in fact, damage Cavendish’s confidence heading into the Olympics as the reigning king of the roads.

“How would you feel after you’ve achieved a world-class stature only to have some depressed ex-Olympian with bad hair order you around? Not only is it a confidence killer, but Brailsford is playing with fire. What happens if Cavendish is injured humping bottles? Mark is also exposed to potential injury as he is expected to sacrifice himself and his bike for the supposed greater good. This smacks of communism. This isn’t cycling,” an emphatic Bugno declared.

Cycling pundits were also awestruck by Cavendish’s requirements for the Tour de France, including ex-professional Tony Rominger, who rode a short time with world champion Johan Museuuw in 1996.

Cavendish “disgraces” the rainbow stripes, according to Gianni Bugno (photo courtesy Bettini Photo via cyclingnews.com)

“I think there would have been a civil war in Belgium if I’d ever asked Johan to fetch me a bottle,” commented Rominger.

Even Garmin-Sharp head Jonathan Vaughters was surprised by Brailsford’s requests of Cavendish during the Tour de France.

“I had the world champion in the guise of Thor Hushovd in 2011. I could barely get him to ride, let alone fetch a bottle. I think if I’d even attempted to ask, I would have received a fine and a lawsuit from Pat McQuaid and the guys in Aigle for unprofessional conduct unbecoming the rainbow stripes,” stated Vaughters.

Bugno added one last comment before hit went “clubbing” in Pau.

“I pray for Team Sky and David Brailsford that they win the Tour. If they don’t and it all goes out to sea, Cavendish will be beside himself losing out stage wins to inferior sprinters in the form of Peter Sagan and Andre Greipel. It will be a Tour that he’d rather forget, and it could mean his departure from Team Sky if he’s expected to do the same for either Chris Froome or Wiggins again next year. This is an utter shambles and complete disgrace to the honor and tradition of the rainbow stripes,” concluded Bugno.

Representatives from the UCI were not available for comment. The Tour pauses in Pau for a rest day on Tuesday.

Armstrong ponders his next move against an "unbuyable" USADA (photo credit: AP/Washington Post)

“It was insane! Lance went nuts when a waiter apparently served him the wrong appetizer. He said ‘I FUCKING TOLD YOU THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES! I wanted lemon with my appetizer! What the fuck is wrong with you?!!?'” said one shaken patron of the exclusive Chantecler restaurant in Nice, France, where the incident occurred.

Armstrong was quickly approached by restaurant management, but refused to calm down. He allegedly stood up and started pointing at random restaurant patrons and calling them “Non-Believers” at the top of his lungs. Armstrong refused an escort to a private section of the restaurant, and instead chose to demonstrate his athletic prowess by performing 500 one-armed pushups for the shocked patrons.

It took a phone call to close personal friend Thor Hushovd, who immediately arrived to attempt to defuse the situation prior to the police being called in to address the escalating altercation.

Hushovd was able to convince Lance that an impromptu Twitter run through the restaurant and a Livestrong™ wristband giveaway were not the answers to his problems, and managed to move Armstrong out of Chantecler and into Le Relais, where French authorities met Armstrong and his posse to question what had transpired.

A statement was issued by Armstrong lawyer Robert Luskin, who is the point man for the Livestrong founder, after Armstrong was whisked away by his entourage to a secret French location.

“Lance is suffering from Post Pro Cycling Stress Disorder. This ‘witch-hunt’ is clearly the reason for the onset of his condition. I categorically deny that his ego and fame-trawling has contributed in any way to this momentary breakdown. Nor will I acknowledge any reports of Lance acting like a spoilt child who’s money and connections have failed to protect him from having his Tour titles stripped, all because of some peskily sound USADA principles. I maintain the USADA is completely out of step with how normal power politics are supposed to operate,” stated a voice via phone that had a resemblance to Luskin’s.

“Lance’s problems are a result of a concocted fantasy on the part of jealous civil servants who are threatened by his star power, his good looks, his money, his multiple houses, and his ability to have any woman he pleases,” concluded Luskin, allegedly.

Anonymous pundits, who refused to comment on record due to threats of legal action by the Armstrong team, were quick to weigh in on the situation.

“Lance has snapped. His worst fears of becoming invisible and inconsequential on the world stage are about to be realized. Let’s hope his entourage doesn’t abandon him. More sociopathic episodes could occur as those who have surrounded him leave like rats from a sinking ship,” declared one anonymous cycling commentator.

Armstrong’s next moves are being decided, as WTC head Andrew Messick confirmed Armstrong has been banned from competing in triathlons until the situation with USADA is resolved. French authorities refused to comment on pending charges, if any, stemming from his altercation at the French restaurant. Chantecler representatives did confirm that Armstrong has been asked to take his business elsewhere.

The trio of striking styles took center stage over the actual presentation, reducing UCI President Pat McQuaid’s choppy Skype appearance to insignificance in addition to overshadowing the main presenter’s blatant facial homage to Billy Bob Thornton.

The Giro Contestants

It should be noted that the three distinctive styles adopted by those at the presentation reflected, in some respects, the lack of originality in the cycling peloton. The group was revived, however, by a breath of fresh air in the guise of new Giro Director, Michele Aquarone, who adopted a simple but elegant ensemble punctuated by his gracious vocal style, which included a nod to his meteoric predecessor, Angelo Zomegnan.

Of the Rooster/Scruff/Bald stylings adorning the present members of the peloton, Jon Gadret and former Marco Pantani teammate Stefano Garzelli led the way with “bald.” While Garzelli’s style seemed less Romulan than normal, it was Gadret who took the prize for best bald, thankfully minus his typical smattering of facial piercings and his smouldering Nico-Roche-inspired angry face.

While the bald category may have been sparsely represented, several hundred entrants comprised the “rooster” category, duly noted by the RAI’s Alessandra de Stefano, who almost fell off the stage during the proceedings due to the massive contingent of preening cocks presented. One clear winner emerged in the form of CyclingNews‘ own Daniel Benson, whose style received a massive lift due to the presence Mario Cipollini a short distance away. The aura of Cipollini decidedly gave Benson the rooster category win, which he punctuated with his question – intelligently answered by fellow category member Jakob Fuglsang.

Presentation proceedings took a break with the requisite U2 “Beautiful Day” montage, duly noted by Daniel Friebe of ProCycling Magazine via his twitter feed, before the scruff category came onto the stage. Scruff finalists Thor Hushovd and Ivan Basso engaged in a duel for the coveted award, and unfortunately for Basso, his dramatically receding hairline was no match for the closely-cropped stubble skull look made famous by the Norwegian former world champion. Also of note was a lifetime achievement award handed out in the scruff category to Paolo Bettini, bringing many in the audience to tears.

Mafioso category contestants were strangely absent, no doubt intimidated by the presence of the aforementioned Cipollini.

The route presentation concluded with a bizarre hallucinogenic musical number complete with Girbecco, the giant Giro d’Italia plush bear, playing keytar for bedazzled Danish jazz singer Malene Mortensen’s strangely tuneless vocal performance, to which Alberto Contador and Stephen Farrand could be seen gyrating together, smiles more than present.

Overall, the 2012 Giro d’Italia route presentation was one of the best in years, a promising harbinger of the race itself, commencing in Herning on May 5th, 2012.