“We would have wanted to invite Tyler Hamilton for other reasons. But he has done a lot of wonderful things for a very wonderful sport and he has to be applauded for his courage to act.”

It wasn’t perhaps the most unanimously positive endorsement of his career but Tyler Hamilton could hardly have born any ill will towards the lady wwaho introduced the shamed former cyclist to the stage at the American School in London last week.

After all, this was a prestigious school whose mission is to encourage “students [to] develop integrity and strength of character by learning to make good choices and by taking responsibility for their actions”.

The teacher controlling the Q&A session alongside the school’s head boy was also wary of slipping on any potential banana skins. “It is controversial for us to have you up on this stage and we’re putting ourselves on the line,” he said. “Can you see how your cheating invalidates the message of our school and what we stand for?”

Hamilton – looking tanned and rather boyish with his ragged boscage of wavy hair in stark contrast to the slick, almost shiny, grey suit and smart blue shirt covering his still slender frame – was entirely understanding of the concerns outlined.

“I respect people who can’t forgive me and won’t listen to what I have to say. You guys can ask any tough questions you like and I deserve them,” he said in front of an auditorium of roughly 200 high school pupils, parents, teachers, members of the public and one cycling reporter.

“I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in high school. These kids can learn from me. If I can change one kid’s life then I’m pleased I came.”

Well, he certainly did change one grown kid’s life when approaching Saddles in the foyer ahead of the talk and complimenting him on his Ragpicker vintage cycling cap.

“Nice hat. How you doing? You coming to the talk?” he asked before hands were shaken and names exchanged. It broke the ice nicely – and meant Saddles had a way in after the session to pose a question or two of his own.

To be honest, most of the questioning was rather soft and made Oprah Winfrey look like the Spanish Inquisition – but this wasn’t exactly an audience of specialists and only some of them had read Hamilton’s book, The Secret Race, co-edited with Daniel Coyle.

Early on during the Q&A the school’s head boy asked Hamilton what had been the most difficult aspect about coming out with the truth surrounding what he described as the “dark days”.

“The hardest part was telling my parents the truth in 2010 having lied to them ever since 1997.”

It was a poignant answer, but one which made this blogger think of something doing the viral rounds at the time: a note left from a father for his son on the fridge door.

“Nate,” the note-cum-internet-hit said, “I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me. The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home OJ and bread after class. We are out, like you now. I’ve known you were gay since you were six, I’ve loved you since you were born. Dad. p.s. your mom and I think you and Mike make a cute couple.”

Something tells Saddles that Hamilton’s parents knew a long time before 2010 about his training methods. If the syringes, fridges full of blood and shirts stained red weren’t enough, then they may have had a hunch around about the time the whole ‘false twin’ theory came into play.

(Although had they left him a note on the fridge it probably wouldn’t have requested extra OJ – for obvious reasons.)

“I wish I’d stood up in ’97 and said no when the first red testosterone pill was held out to me by a doctor wearing a fly fishing jacket filled with pharmaceuticals,” said Hamilton, like an LA screen-writer effortlessly seaming the plot of The Matrix to an episode of Deadliest Catch.

“If I had known what would have happened I would have been on the first plane back to Boston,” he added.

Although blessed (or perhaps hindered?) with a constant grin bordering on a childish smirk, Hamilton came across as genuinely contrite. The critics will say that he’s had enough practice – after all, he’s rivalling Tony Blair on the lecture circuit right now in the wake of his no-holds-barred confessional – but Hamilton nevertheless came over as an honest, humble and decent guy keen to put things right.

“I have two bits of advice for the young people in the crowd,” he said. “First: take time with the decisions you make. Second: If you make the wrong choice then right it as quickly as possible.”

When pressed on whether or not he would have come clean had he not been forced, Hamilton, to his credit, did not reply wholly in the affirmative.

“I hope so. I would like to think that as I got older and more mature I would have,” he said before adding: “But I couldn’t say for sure. I had many opportunities to tell the truth. I waited until the last minute when I was fully backed up in the corner.”

Now 42 and working as a private cycling trainer back home in Colorado, Hamilton said he was happy to be away from the pressures of the professional peloton and the general rat race that can affect students as much as Wall Street execs.

“I’m kind of enjoying just being mediocre,” he said, prompting laughs from the crowd. “I’m 30 pounds heavier now than when I was a cyclist,” he added, prompting gasps (he is still a slight guy). “I’m a jogger, not a runner. I’m enjoying being average.”

Being average is certainly something you wouldn’t hear his former boss Lance Armstrong boasting about – and certainly something Hamilton in his capo days wouldn’t have admitted to. Back then, he was all about pushing things further and never being content with the status quo.

“At CSC one of Danish guys coined the term ‘positive dissatisfaction’. I used that term so many times but it was the root of all the problems.”

Hamilton said it had been painful to go over all his mistakes while writing his book and admitted that the fallout from The Secret Race had been rather testing.

“The president of cycling’s world body called me a scumbag. His name is Pat McQuaid,” Tyler told the audience (many of whom were non-cycling types who couldn’t tell their UCIs from their IOUs (answer: they’re often the same thing). “I understand his frustrations. I know why he would do that. But there are many who continue to deny that they had any knowledge that bad things were happening in the sport.”

Hamilton stressed that there were “still bad apples” in cycling and that “there’s still dome digging to be done.”

Sounding more and more like a character from Goodfellas, he added ominously: “It’s definitely a lot better than back in the dark days but there are many buried bodies and many of us know where those bodies are. We must do some digging or there will be another big situation in the future [like the US Postal scandal].”

With the hour almost up, Hamilton just had enough time to praise former US Postal team-mate Floyd Landis for “getting the ball rolling,” admitting that “we wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for him. He’s suffering a lot still.”

Hamilton confirmed that he didn’t have much to do with any of the other Posties now give or take a few texts. “It’s sad because we were a really cohesive group. Things have changed. It’s sad that doping ripped us apart.”

Of course, the Devil’s advocate would say it was sad doping threw them together in the first place.

As the star of the night signed books on the stage at the end, your faithful blogger went up to the former 1994 Olympic time trial gold medallist and asked him if he thought it was fair that there was so much scrutiny surrounding the highest performing team of the current era, Sky, who had seemingly been tainted by the same brush as US Postal.

“It’s not fair, no,” he said, fixing Saddles with his piercing blue eyes. “It’s unfortunate that’s happening but due to the past it’s the way it is because of what we did and because of the culture that we went through.

“I feel bad because of it. I feel bad that Bradley Wiggins cannot enjoy winning the Tour like he should enjoy it, that he has had to endure all this skepticism.”

At this point, the master of ceremonies tugged Tyler on the sleeve and urged him to return to his signings – but Hamilton was in no rush and was eager to finishing giving his answer.

“The problem is not necessarily Wiggins but the people around the sport. We still have some bad apples in the sport including some – but not all – of the individuals in the UCI.

“I’m sure Bradley Wiggins is not happy with me and I understand that. But if he’s going to be really angry with somebody then it’s still those bad apples that are continuing to rot the sport. He should be pushing those people to be telling the truth.

“Zero tolerance? I don’t believe in that. I’ve got to commend Sky for trying and being proactive – some teams are not even being proactive – but I don’t necessarily agree with that philosophy.

“To clean up the sport truth and reconciliation is the only answer. I’d love to see them maybe invite back some of the guys they forced out like Bobby Julich. And I’m not the biggest fan of Bobby Julich – trust me – but if people are telling the truth they shouldn’t be penalised for it.”

On that note, Saddles and Tyler parted. There hadn’t been a chance to ask him who the most promising crop of apples in the orchard were; or if he sincerely would have indeed traded in the glory years at US Postal and beyond, and the smart grey suit and blue shirt on the lecture circuit, for years of what he described as “hanging on for dear life and surviving at the back” that would have been synonymous with not doping at a time when “ninety to ninety-five percent were on drugs during the Tour”.

Neither had there been a time to ask him who he thought should play him alongside Bradley Cooper’s Lance in a movie version of the “dark days”; whether he preferred the film Twins to Marley & Me; whether, given his background in downhill skiing, he would have insisted on La Manie being kept in the previous weekend’s Milan-San Remo; or if he could give Saddles a tailored Tyler Hamilton Training plan ahead of this reporter’s own big ride in September (2,300 kilometres in the footsteps of Hannibal from Barcelona to Rome).

Perhaps for another time. Tyler, over to you…

Enough of the jibber jabber, lets get to it.

Not Normal :

1. A term used by Lance Armstrong whilst looking in the mirror.

2. A term used by the rest of the peloton watching Lance Armstrong win 7 Tours de France in succession.

3. Cycling up a 25% incline at 30kph with your mouth closed.

Paniagua :

1. To race on bread and water. For a lot of the peloton during the Lance years, not normal!

2. From the ancient and long-forgotten language Cyclismian, meaning to be beaten by filthy drug cheats.

Marginal Gains :

1: The Team SKY mantra for 2012.

2: Lance Armstrong keeping his wheel just in front of Tyler Hamilton’s on training rides.

Swear Bear :

1. Bradley Wiggins

2. Bradley #!*$-ing Wiggins

Choad :

1. Lance Armstrong’s favourite word to describe people he disliked. i.e., anyone he saw as a threat, the non-believers, the non-dreamers.

2. Lance Armstrong

Edgar Alan Poe :

1. Erythropoietin, otherwise known as EPO, or Edgar Alan Poe by the guys injecting it. Can be shorten to Edgar or Poe.

2. An author I doubt many choads would have read.

Blood Bag :

1. A bag of blood. Usually carried around by Motoman (see below).

Motoman :

1. A man with a pixelated face who was charged with carrying an Esky around France for 3 weeks in July for a fat wad of cash.

Bone-idle Wankers :

1. Everyone in the world except Bradley Wiggins, his family, and anyone associated with Team Sky (although I suspect he applies the term to some of them these days)

Wag War :

1. The Twitter flame war waged between the Wives and Girlfriends of who at first glance would appear to be the harshest of enemies, but upon closer inspection are the first and second place getters in this year’s Tour de France.

Zero Tolerance :

1. A term which describes a team’s policy in regard to performance enhancing drugs. The ZERO part is used very loosely. Zero could mean never having taken drugs, to never having been caught, to never having killed a baby panda with a unicorn’s horn.

2. USADA’s stance taken towards Lance Armstrong and his posse.

Reasoned Decision :

1. A very reasoned decision taken by USADA that made everyone look slightly differently at Lance Armstrong.

Marianne Vos :

1. World-beating female cyclist who could probably hold her own in the men’s peloton.

2. A champion we can all get behind.

Glow Time :

1. The time after an injection of the go go juice wherein it shows up on drug tests.

2. In real time, a matter of minutes to hours, depending on the dope doctor.

White Lunch Bag :

1. A white bag used to deliver lunch. And when I say lunch, I mean Edgar (see above).

2. Not to be confused with the red bag of blood. (see Blood Bag, above)

Sure, there will be plenty more, but hopefully that will start a discussion on what people thought of the turbulent year that was pro cycling 2012.

Thanks to all who made suggestions on Twitter and Facebook.

Illustration by Anders Bendixen

Reports suggest that the possibility of losing his team’s World Tour place, coupled with the exposure from the Danish edition of Tyler Hamilton’s book, The Secret Race, was more than the stoic Dane could handle.

“There were several participants to whom Riis offered autographs during the Contador event here in Las Palmas, but the fans refused the overtures. The look on Bjarne’s face was certainly telling. I think his confidence has taken a massive hit,” relayed one fan who participated in the ride with Contador.

One anonymous team member echoed the sentiments, saying Riis has withdrawn from public interactions, and would prefer to spend time alone in the shower clutching his Crotch Eagle plushy toy rather than face the crushing demands of the media under the current circumstances.

“I feel bad for the man on one hand, because everyone was doing it at the time, but on the other hand, I don’t understand why he doesn’t just come clean. I will say, though, he’s been on the phone muttering ‘Yes, Hein… Yes, Hein…’ more frequently than normal. And in a quieter voice,” stated the anonymous team member.

Cyclismas has learned that Riis didn’t leave Gran Canaria with his team, and instead has taken the advice of major team backer Oleg Tinkov, who suggested Riis needed a confidence boost. Tinkov has flown in self-help guru Tony Robbins for a special four-day session to include walking over hot coals and an intense day-long seminar on “Outstanding Relationships.” Tinkov offered his clarification on why Robbins was brought in to boost Riis’ flagging morale.

“It was important to get Bjarne from Position 4 on the Robbins Scale of Outstanding Relationships – planning your escape – back to Position 1 where he can enjoy an outstanding relationship with love and passion. Bjarne needs to rediscover his love and passion for the sport. I think it’s working. I’m pleased to see him starting to laugh again, and spending less time hiding. You’ll see a rejuvenated man in 2013,”  stated Tinkov via phone.

When asked if Riis would be coming completely clean on his doping activities, Tinkov was direct.

“It’s none of your business, and it’s ancient history. We need to move forward in the sport in order to effect change. I look forward to the UCI’s independent commission. I’m sure they will get to the bottom of all these problems in cycling,” concluded Tinkov.

Riis faces a chilly reception from the UCI license commission, and an uphill climb in ice skates to retain his World Tour license. It’s not known if he’ll be bringing the hot coals to the meeting, or if they’ll be provided by Ernst & Young.

THE MOVIE adaptation of  the book, The Secret Race, by Tyler Hamilton and Daniel Coyle is back on track after the authors and producers finally agreed on a new ending, Hollywood insiders report.

Lance and Ashley find a happy ending together. (photo courtesy Hollywood Dame)

Production of the cycling biopic, which focuses heavily on Lance Armstrong, had stalled after studio bosses decided the ending in Hamilton’s best-selling book was too depressing for multiplex audiences.

But with a revised script, movie marketers are now confident they have a hit on their hands.

“Four fifths of the story remains very faithful to the original material,” a source on the Los Angeles set told Cyclismas today.

“The bright-eyed hope of Hamilton’s younger days. The heartbreaking scene where he is given his first dose of EPO. The bittersweet moment when he returns home for the family croquet tournament and is too ashamed to tell his father the truth about his cycling career. All this is beautifully portrayed by Gary Sinise, Matt Damon and the rest of the cast.

“However, when the producers tested with focus groups they found that the book’s original ending rated very poorly.

“Feedback suggested that most viewers, particularly those in the lucrative 18-49 demographic, grew up thinking of Armstrong as a hero and preferred a story that was ultimately more inspirational.

“So the decision was made to reshoot the ending with a few minor script changes.”

The movie departs from Hamilton’s story at the point in 2007 where Armstrong, two years into his first retirement from pro cycling, dates child-star-turned-fashion-designer Ashley Olsen.

Rather than have Olsen and Armstrong date briefly before parting ways, the pair forge an unlikely relationship that transcends the 15-year difference in their ages.

“It’s a Sliding Doors type thing,” the source said. “We asked ourselves, well, instead of having Lance and Ashley canoodling in a couple of New York bars before going their separate ways, what would have happened if they had stayed together?”

In the final third of the new script, Armstrong, having met the love of his life, considers coming out of retirement to ride the 2009 Tour de France. But he ultimately rejects the opportunity in favor of settling down with Olsen.

“They become America’s sweethearts, if you will,” the insider said.

Tyler Hamilton is still alluded to in the closing passages, but the pro cycling doping scandal fades into the background in lieu of a plotline where Olsen and Armstrong move to the Solomon Islands and attempt to record a pop album.

Olsen will be played in the film by her identical twin, Mary-Kate.

“Everyone was blown away by the chemistry between Mary-Kate and Matt [Damon], who plays Lance,” the insider said. “And when I say blown away, that’s a bit of an inside joke because there’s a scene where Lance and Ashley have to take to sea and survive a fierce tropical storm.

“I won’t say how they manage to ride it out with all their recording equipment and return to the island, but let’s just say there are a raft of surprises in store for cinema audiences.

“We now believe we’ve got a blockbuster hit on our hands.”

The movie closes with Armstrong’s and Olsen’s debut single, Don’t Need to Suffer No More (Now I’ve Found You).

The soon-to-be-released video clip for the track reportedly features a rapping Robin Williams.

Riis shows his ire with “crazy eyes” as he speaks about unfair treatment at the hands of the UCI (photo courtesy Sporten TV2)

“How can they expect us to shift gears so quickly? Two weeks ago McQuaid was calling us personally to sing the praises of Armstrong. Now, just because our team didn’t get the faxed PR strategy change the Tuesday following their presser, we’re being punished?” fumed Riis. The normally inscrutable team director was visibly shaking as he gripped the podium at a hastily-called press conference in downtown Copenhagen, where he launched into a bitter tirade against the UCI.

The cause for the Dane’s escalated ire was revealed to be rooted in the Tour de France route presentation, when Contador used the “Armstrong Positive Press Notes provided by the UCI Spin Office. His public statements in support of Armstrong, declaring the disgraced age group swimmer to be the victim of a “humiliating lynching,” caused a backlash in the media and fury from the public.

Riis maintains Contador was “just following UCI orders.” When it was revealed the UCI failed to send the team the updated UCI media strategy, which was released the day after the Geneva press conference where the Armstrong ban was ratified, Riis’ anger went nuclear. He suspects this is “a conspiracy of Spanish proportions.”

“We’re not the only team. In fact, I think this is a conspiracy to embarrass the Spanish peloton for their attempted revolution by the RFEC in 2011 on behalf of Contador. We didn’t receive the memo with the new talking points, and neither did Movistar,” continued Riis.

It seems the World Tour Team snub is part of the punishment doled out to Saxobank-Tinkoff, as the team is relegated to the cellar in sport criteria despite some high profile signings.

“Look, I didn’t want to sign Nicolas Roche but I figured signing him would offset the fact that I kept Alberto since Pat’s son represents Nico, but apparently not,” concluded Riis.

Experts were quick to point out that the changing landscape of professional cycling has swamped over the UCI’s efforts much like Hurricane Sandy burying Atlantic City under six feet of water.

Australian pundit Mike Tomalaris, fresh from chatting with a “dazed and confused” Phil Liggett, chimed in with his thoughts.

“It’s tough for team owners to figure out where they stand in reference to the UCI, considering the organization has been plunged into chaos. That McQuaid is willing to let someone else determine its fate in the form of an independent council is a confidence-shattering development for the cartel,” commented Tomalaris.

“In fact, who’s going to be the new patron in 2013? Who’s going to chug enough Aicar to choke a million lab rats and take advantage of a petrified peloton? We’ll see at Paris-Nice, for sure,” mused Tomalaris.

Former Team Tinkoff and Team CSC rider Tyler Hamilton was happy to share his views on the situation.

“You’ve got two doping dinosaurs in Tinkoff and Riis. Maybe forces at the UCI have decided to join the Great Purge started by Team Sky. I mean, Tinkoff turned a blind eye when I rode for him, and we all know what I said about Riis in my book,” commented an exuberantly-coiffed Hamilton.

Riis, who already has one lawsuit pending against the UCI, is thinking about filing four more just to be a nuisance.

We’ll know in a couple of weeks whether Riis will need charity to guarantee attendance at the Tour de France, or if he’ll keep his automatic berth.