“We would have wanted to invite Tyler Hamilton for other reasons. But he has done a lot of wonderful things for a very wonderful sport and he has to be applauded for his courage to act.”

It wasn’t perhaps the most unanimously positive endorsement of his career but Tyler Hamilton could hardly have born any ill will towards the lady wwaho introduced the shamed former cyclist to the stage at the American School in London last week.

After all, this was a prestigious school whose mission is to encourage “students [to] develop integrity and strength of character by learning to make good choices and by taking responsibility for their actions”.

The teacher controlling the Q&A session alongside the school’s head boy was also wary of slipping on any potential banana skins. “It is controversial for us to have you up on this stage and we’re putting ourselves on the line,” he said. “Can you see how your cheating invalidates the message of our school and what we stand for?”

Hamilton – looking tanned and rather boyish with his ragged boscage of wavy hair in stark contrast to the slick, almost shiny, grey suit and smart blue shirt covering his still slender frame – was entirely understanding of the concerns outlined.

“I respect people who can’t forgive me and won’t listen to what I have to say. You guys can ask any tough questions you like and I deserve them,” he said in front of an auditorium of roughly 200 high school pupils, parents, teachers, members of the public and one cycling reporter.

“I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in high school. These kids can learn from me. If I can change one kid’s life then I’m pleased I came.”

Well, he certainly did change one grown kid’s life when approaching Saddles in the foyer ahead of the talk and complimenting him on his Ragpicker vintage cycling cap.

“Nice hat. How you doing? You coming to the talk?” he asked before hands were shaken and names exchanged. It broke the ice nicely – and meant Saddles had a way in after the session to pose a question or two of his own.

To be honest, most of the questioning was rather soft and made Oprah Winfrey look like the Spanish Inquisition – but this wasn’t exactly an audience of specialists and only some of them had read Hamilton’s book, The Secret Race, co-edited with Daniel Coyle.

Early on during the Q&A the school’s head boy asked Hamilton what had been the most difficult aspect about coming out with the truth surrounding what he described as the “dark days”.

“The hardest part was telling my parents the truth in 2010 having lied to them ever since 1997.”

It was a poignant answer, but one which made this blogger think of something doing the viral rounds at the time: a note left from a father for his son on the fridge door.

“Nate,” the note-cum-internet-hit said, “I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me. The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home OJ and bread after class. We are out, like you now. I’ve known you were gay since you were six, I’ve loved you since you were born. Dad. p.s. your mom and I think you and Mike make a cute couple.”

Something tells Saddles that Hamilton’s parents knew a long time before 2010 about his training methods. If the syringes, fridges full of blood and shirts stained red weren’t enough, then they may have had a hunch around about the time the whole ‘false twin’ theory came into play.

(Although had they left him a note on the fridge it probably wouldn’t have requested extra OJ – for obvious reasons.)

“I wish I’d stood up in ’97 and said no when the first red testosterone pill was held out to me by a doctor wearing a fly fishing jacket filled with pharmaceuticals,” said Hamilton, like an LA screen-writer effortlessly seaming the plot of The Matrix to an episode of Deadliest Catch.

“If I had known what would have happened I would have been on the first plane back to Boston,” he added.

Although blessed (or perhaps hindered?) with a constant grin bordering on a childish smirk, Hamilton came across as genuinely contrite. The critics will say that he’s had enough practice – after all, he’s rivalling Tony Blair on the lecture circuit right now in the wake of his no-holds-barred confessional – but Hamilton nevertheless came over as an honest, humble and decent guy keen to put things right.

“I have two bits of advice for the young people in the crowd,” he said. “First: take time with the decisions you make. Second: If you make the wrong choice then right it as quickly as possible.”

When pressed on whether or not he would have come clean had he not been forced, Hamilton, to his credit, did not reply wholly in the affirmative.

“I hope so. I would like to think that as I got older and more mature I would have,” he said before adding: “But I couldn’t say for sure. I had many opportunities to tell the truth. I waited until the last minute when I was fully backed up in the corner.”

Now 42 and working as a private cycling trainer back home in Colorado, Hamilton said he was happy to be away from the pressures of the professional peloton and the general rat race that can affect students as much as Wall Street execs.

“I’m kind of enjoying just being mediocre,” he said, prompting laughs from the crowd. “I’m 30 pounds heavier now than when I was a cyclist,” he added, prompting gasps (he is still a slight guy). “I’m a jogger, not a runner. I’m enjoying being average.”

Being average is certainly something you wouldn’t hear his former boss Lance Armstrong boasting about – and certainly something Hamilton in his capo days wouldn’t have admitted to. Back then, he was all about pushing things further and never being content with the status quo.

“At CSC one of Danish guys coined the term ‘positive dissatisfaction’. I used that term so many times but it was the root of all the problems.”

Hamilton said it had been painful to go over all his mistakes while writing his book and admitted that the fallout from The Secret Race had been rather testing.

“The president of cycling’s world body called me a scumbag. His name is Pat McQuaid,” Tyler told the audience (many of whom were non-cycling types who couldn’t tell their UCIs from their IOUs (answer: they’re often the same thing). “I understand his frustrations. I know why he would do that. But there are many who continue to deny that they had any knowledge that bad things were happening in the sport.”

Hamilton stressed that there were “still bad apples” in cycling and that “there’s still dome digging to be done.”

Sounding more and more like a character from Goodfellas, he added ominously: “It’s definitely a lot better than back in the dark days but there are many buried bodies and many of us know where those bodies are. We must do some digging or there will be another big situation in the future [like the US Postal scandal].”

With the hour almost up, Hamilton just had enough time to praise former US Postal team-mate Floyd Landis for “getting the ball rolling,” admitting that “we wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for him. He’s suffering a lot still.”

Hamilton confirmed that he didn’t have much to do with any of the other Posties now give or take a few texts. “It’s sad because we were a really cohesive group. Things have changed. It’s sad that doping ripped us apart.”

Of course, the Devil’s advocate would say it was sad doping threw them together in the first place.

As the star of the night signed books on the stage at the end, your faithful blogger went up to the former 1994 Olympic time trial gold medallist and asked him if he thought it was fair that there was so much scrutiny surrounding the highest performing team of the current era, Sky, who had seemingly been tainted by the same brush as US Postal.

“It’s not fair, no,” he said, fixing Saddles with his piercing blue eyes. “It’s unfortunate that’s happening but due to the past it’s the way it is because of what we did and because of the culture that we went through.

“I feel bad because of it. I feel bad that Bradley Wiggins cannot enjoy winning the Tour like he should enjoy it, that he has had to endure all this skepticism.”

At this point, the master of ceremonies tugged Tyler on the sleeve and urged him to return to his signings – but Hamilton was in no rush and was eager to finishing giving his answer.

“The problem is not necessarily Wiggins but the people around the sport. We still have some bad apples in the sport including some – but not all – of the individuals in the UCI.

“I’m sure Bradley Wiggins is not happy with me and I understand that. But if he’s going to be really angry with somebody then it’s still those bad apples that are continuing to rot the sport. He should be pushing those people to be telling the truth.

“Zero tolerance? I don’t believe in that. I’ve got to commend Sky for trying and being proactive – some teams are not even being proactive – but I don’t necessarily agree with that philosophy.

“To clean up the sport truth and reconciliation is the only answer. I’d love to see them maybe invite back some of the guys they forced out like Bobby Julich. And I’m not the biggest fan of Bobby Julich – trust me – but if people are telling the truth they shouldn’t be penalised for it.”

On that note, Saddles and Tyler parted. There hadn’t been a chance to ask him who the most promising crop of apples in the orchard were; or if he sincerely would have indeed traded in the glory years at US Postal and beyond, and the smart grey suit and blue shirt on the lecture circuit, for years of what he described as “hanging on for dear life and surviving at the back” that would have been synonymous with not doping at a time when “ninety to ninety-five percent were on drugs during the Tour”.

Neither had there been a time to ask him who he thought should play him alongside Bradley Cooper’s Lance in a movie version of the “dark days”; whether he preferred the film Twins to Marley & Me; whether, given his background in downhill skiing, he would have insisted on La Manie being kept in the previous weekend’s Milan-San Remo; or if he could give Saddles a tailored Tyler Hamilton Training plan ahead of this reporter’s own big ride in September (2,300 kilometres in the footsteps of Hannibal from Barcelona to Rome).

Perhaps for another time. Tyler, over to you…

That was how many of us reacted when watching Sebastian Vettel’s shifty overtaking manoeuvre on Red Bull team-mate Mark Webber to defy team orders coming over race radio and take a controversial win in Formula One’s Malaysian GP on Sunday.

“Multi 21, Seb. Multi 21.” These were the only words Webber – incandescent with rage – said to Vettel in the drivers’ room after the bad-tempered race, thought to be a reference to the Red Bull team code for holding station (a technical motorsporting term for ‘not racing’).

“What part of Multi 21, Seb, Multi 21 didn’t you get? ” (Photograph: Hoch Zwei/Corbis)

Perhaps, back in July last year when Chris Froome was riding hard on the final climb to Peyragudes in stage 17, it was a similar radio order that saw the Sky super-domestique check his speed and slow for team leader Bradley Wiggins.

“Multi 21, Chris. Multi 21. Chris, Multi 21!” the order would have come through the earpiece on the three occasions young buck Froome opened up a tantalising gap over the yellow jersey of the veteran trying to hold his wheel.

Hours after Vettel put points before friends and team morale, Sky were going about their usual business of pretty much bleeding everyone else dry on the final two climbs of the day on the deciding stage of the Criterium International.

“People get carried away with the whole machine/robot kind of thing but at the end of the day, they are human beings,” said Sky manager Dave Brailsford a fortnight ago after Tirreno-Adriatico.

And yet, there were Sky doing their best not to de-humanise the race by setting what most French-language websites describe as an “infernal” pace. Joe Dombrowski, Jon Tiernan-Locke, Xabi Zandio and Kostanstin Siutsou all pulled hard on the front to chase down a break that included – rarity of rarities – Andy Schleck.

Then, Vasil Kiryienka – a new recruit from Movistar over the off-season – was in no way machine-like or robotic in decimating the field “to get us to that point where Froomey and I can attack at the end,” as described by Richie Porte, who had taken the race lead on Saturday after a second time trial victory in as many weeks.

Best buddies Porte and Froome rode hard together before there was a potential Vettel-Webber moment when last year’s Tour de France runner-up put in a huge dig and dropped the yellow jersey – before riding off into the sunset up the Col de l’Ospedale to take the stage and overall victory.

New BFFs Chris Froome and Richie Porte (Image: skysports.com)

Tasmanian Porte finished with a flourish to secure a double one-two for Sky – in both the stage and on GC. It was a job well done which “panned out more or less how we expected,” according to Froome. Porte agreed. “Tactically we were spot on today,” he said without any rancour at having lost the maillot jaune to his team-mate.

“The only important thing was that Team Sky won today. It’s always special to get a one-two on the podium, especially given the strength of the field we had here, and we’re super happy.”

One-twos are becoming something of a habit for Sky following their performance in the 2012 Tour and now here in Corsica. In fact, one-twos are becoming so old hat that expectations have grown.

According to a top secret source – a former adjoint sous chef currently on an 80-day rolling contract to source the best pasta and rice grains ahead of the Giro next month – Sky have visions of turning entire podiums black and blue and Rapha-hued.

“We all know that the original plan at Sky was ‘to create the first British winner of the Tour de France within five years’,” said the deputy chef’s assistant.

“Now, the use of the verb ‘create’ is a bit unfortunate there – especially for a team management bent on discrediting the notion that its riders can be built and programmed like robots – or, if you will, created like some kind of gastronomic dish.

“Anyway, I digress. They downgraded that aim to simply winning the Tour within five years – wholly needlessly, it turned out, because a British rider (albeit one created in Belgium) did manage to do that within a couple of years.”

Seeing two riders on the top rungs of the podium in Paris gave the ambitious Brailsford new ideas.

“They all went off and did the Olympics, tra la la, but it was clear that Dave was planning his next move. Which is quite simple: to have three – and not two – Sky riders on the podium in the Tour.”

The plan for July is for friends Froome and Porte to top the podium and Wiggins to take the third rung after himself winning the Giro (ideally ahead of Colombians Rigoberto Uran and Sergio Henao).

“It may sound crazy,” said the culinary source, “but actually that’s just the start of it. The ultimate aim is to send an entire nine-man team to the Tour and to place them in the top ten. That’s why Cavendish was flogged – they tried to test out his climbing ability last year, but Tim Kerrison decided that Cav couldn’t swim very well and was definitely never top-ten material and so wholly surplus to requirements.”

Is a Sky top ten in the future? (Image: skysports.com)

As such, the likes of Dario Cataldo, Uran and Henao are being conditioned to ride so ably as super-domestiques that they place themselves in the top ten by dint of everyone else in the peloton being completely shanked after three weeks of hell.

“You could say the Colombians and Darius – as we call him in the kitchen – are being groomed for their roles. In fact, chez Sky we actually call it being ‘froomed’ now.”

Such lofty ambitions bordering on the dictatorial have not made Brailsford lose his sense of humour, however.

“Dave had a bet with Sean Yates that, whoever the other rider is who finishes in the top ten alongside our nine boys, Sky will sign – regardless of his team or cost, provided his provenance checks out okay and he’s not mates with Bobby Julich.

“But you see, that’s what will make the whole thing exciting and keep the suspense going right to the end.”

A few days ago, Irish journalist Paul Kimmage congratulated Daniel Benson of Cyclingnews for being the only journalist to ask Sky rider Mat Hayman about his relationship with notorious former Sky doctor Geert Leinders. While it’s admirable that a single journalist asked a single rider about a single doctor, how many more doctors should we be asking about, and how many more questions should we be asking?

What follows is a run-down of just some of the more notorious doctors currently earning a living in the sport of cycling.

from Daniele Tarsi’s Twitter feed

Daniele Tarsi – Vini Fantini

A colourful character who has been around for a fair few years. He’s been team doctor at, amongst others, ZG, Refin, Casino, Saeco, Lampre, Phonak, Acqua Sapone, and Farnese Vini.

Back in 1998 Tarsi was involved in the Bologna doping scandal and stood trial along with Ferrari but was eventually acquitted in 2004. In 1998 while doctor at Casino, Rodolfo Massi took the polka dot jersey in the Tour before being arrested the next day for use and distribution of drugs. Other riders Tarsi “coached” included Hamilton, Camenzind, Bo Hamburger, Di Luca, and Piepoli. He was also the doctor in charge when Patrik Sinkewitz was busted in 2011 for HGH use while at Farnese Vini. Interestingly, Tarsi is secretary of the Italian Association of Cycling Doctors.

Andrea Andreazzoli – Astana

Former doctor at Lampre, now at Astana. Andrea was investigated as part of the Mantova investigation, but was cleared in January of 2012 and adjudged to have committed no crime. In fact, he was described as “a respected professional of the first order who had seen his name sullied by a bad history of doping in cycling.”

Marco Pallini with Guido Bontempi

Marco Pallini – Team Columbia (was Astana in 2012)

Another colourful character. Been around a while, doctor at Jolly Componibili, Mercatone-Saeco, then Lampre, Tinkoff, and Astana. Some of his athletes include Cipollini, Salvoldelli, Gotti, Cunego, Astarloza, and Contador. Has followed Marinelli and Bontempi around for a few years. Being investigated currently as part of the Mantova enquiry.

Simone Uliari – Astana

The respected Uliari has had articles published in conjunction with none other than the equally respected Francesco Conconi. Uliari has been overshadowed somewhat by other Conconi disciples such as Ferrari and Cecchini.

Max Testa – BMC

Testa (right) with Eric Heiden in their testing lab

Early in his career, Testa worked as a team physician for several European teams, including 7-11, Motorola, and Mapei. Stephen Swart recalls an occasion when the team gathered in Testa’s room, where he had a centrifuge to check that their hematocrit was as close to 50 as they could get prior to the 1995 Tour de France. Testa even had his own lab on Lake Como where Armstrong, Andreu, Livingston, and Hincapie all lived and trained. Testa told David Walsh for LA Confidentiel “My job was to discourage them from taking things but at the same time leave the door open if they had a problem.” Has worked with a diverse range of cyclists, including Lance Armstrong, Levi Leipheimer, Andy Hampsten, and Davis Phinney. Testa and Dr. Eric Heiden, the former Olympic speed skater and cyclist, are long-time friends and medical colleagues. Heiden persuaded Testa to come to the United States, and together they developed the UC Davis Performance Center in Sacramento, Calif. Heiden and Testa moved their respective practices to Murray, Utah, in 2006 to work with The Orthopedic Specialty Hospital (TOSH) and with various Olympic teams, including speed skaters and cyclists. Testa runs his Max Testa Training Centre there in addition to his work with BMC.

Giovanni Ruffini – BMC

Giovanni was previously at Mapei where he worked with Max Testa, and in 2010 he moved to Footon Servetto were he worked alongside the infamous Ibarguren Taus.

Dario Spinelli – BMC

Worked at Mapei with Ruffini and Testa.

Raquel Ortolano – Euskaltel

The first female on the list. She was the team doctor at Liberty Seguros at the time of the Puerto raids. Somehow she got herself a job at Astana until Vinokourov was caught blood doping, and eventually left the team when Johan Bruyneel arrived and cleaned up the team/brought in his own doctors (depending on which one you believe)

Sergio Quilez – Euskaltel

Also on the medical team at Liberty Seguros with Ortolano at the time of the Puerto raids. Both he and Raquel are called as witnesses in the 2013 trial.

Manuel Rodriguez Alonso – Orica GreenEDGE

Manuel Rodriguez has been around a bit: doctor for the Spanish Olympic committee from 1996 to 2004, and Team Doctor at ONCE, Mapei (with Testa and Ruffini), and Quick Step. He even did a three-year spell at Real Madrid as their professor of nutrition counseling and sports performance. Former pro Patrick Sinkewitz explicitly named Rodriguez as administering doping products at QuickStep.

Massimo Besnati – Katusha

Katusha team have helpfully removed the names of all of their doctors from their website, so maybe they all left at the end of 2012, but up until that point, Besnati was most certainly their lead doctor. Formerly with Mapei-QuickStep, Alessio-Bianchi, and Fuji-Servetto before moving on to work at Footon with Ibarguren and Ruffini. The Italian is a fierce defender of the notorious Luigi Cecchini, and was investigated in 2001 and prosecuted for possession of steroids while Mapei team doctor.

Thomas Klimaschka – Katusha

Formerly at Leopard Trek, he is most well known for being the doctor at Phonak from 2004 to 2006 before moving on to Predictor Lotto. Names such as Botero, Hamilton, and Landis have all tested positive under his supervision. After the publication of The Secret Race, Tyler Hamilton stated in a German news interview that he was transfused during the 2004 Tour de France by Phonak team doctor Klimaschka when Fuentes couldn’t get to him because the hotel was surrounded by press.

Andrei Mikhailov – Katusha

Was the doctor at the centre of the TVM scandal in 1998. Was found guilty of supplying EPO and sentenced to one year probation and fined 60,000 Francs (about $8000). Previously at Collstrop, Lotto, and Unibet.

Carlo Guardascione – Lampre

Been at the team since around 2005 and before that was at Saeco. Is currently being investigated in the Mantova Enquiry.

The happy Cannondale trio of Angelluci, Corsetti, and Magni (photo from the Liquigas Cannondale team page)

Emilio Magni – Liquigas Cannondale

Emilio started out as Team Doctor at Mercatone Uno, where he was hired specifically to look after team leader Marco Pantani. In 2001 he moved to Fassa Bortolo where, in 2001, he was the subject of an investigation into doping practices. He was alleged to be responsible for doping the likes the of Bartoli, Casa Grande and Rumsas. Currently providing medical advice for young talent Peter Sagan.

Roberto Corsetti – Liquigas Cannondale

Believed to be one of the redacted names in the USADA documents. Corsetti represented Franco Pellizotti in his case against the Italian National Anti Doping Agency, which saw Pellizotti cleared.

Jesus Hoyos – Movistar

Formerly at Banesto, Hoyos was one of three doctors, along with Celaya and Fuentes, who went on the offensive in November 2000, attempting to refuting then-UCI President Hein Verbruggen’s claim that “organised doping may exist in the sport.” Oversaw Alejandro Valverde’s training in preparation for his return to cycling as a Movistar rider following a two-year doping suspension.

Jose Ibarguren Taus – Quickstep

Ibarguren really needs no introduction. Formerly the doctor at Lampre, Euskaltel, Saunier Duval, and Footon Servetto. You can read more about him here.

Boonen sees the doctor during the Tour of Qatar 2011

Yvan Van Mol – QuickStep

Formerly the doctor at Mapei, he has now been with Lefevere in excess of ten years. Accused of administering doping products by numerous former riders. In 2007 he admitted being aware of doping at Mapei but denied actively participating in it. Also in 2007, an anonymous QuickStep rider – in a leaked email that forced Johan Museeuw to admit to his own doping – said, “At QuickStep there are three levels. The bottom level, who receive nothing, Lefevere barely knows their names. The second level, the key domestiques, they receive a little. And then you have the top guys, they receive EPO, HGH, Cortisone, whatever they need. You pay Van Mol a set amount each year, and he makes sure you have the supplies and tells you the quantities.”

Pieter Lagrou – Vacansoleil

Part of the 2009 Astana team that was investigated after transfusion products were found dumped in the trash.

Geert Leinders

Geert Leinders (Getty images)

Long and checkered past. Makes a cameo appearance in Joe Parkin’s 2008 book, A Dog in a Hat, as the doctor who doped riders as witnessed by the author during his career racing professionally in the European classics and kermesses. Most recently affiliated with Team Sky, the ex-Rabobank doctor has been in the press a lot of late. Accused by many former Rabobank riders of doping them during his time with the team. Michael Rasmussen named Leinders as being at the heart of the Rabobank doping culture. Leinders was questioned in January for three hours by Belgian cycling authorities as part of their ongoing criminal investigation of him. He joined Sky late in 2010 and left the team in 2012.

Team Sky have undoubtedly made a rod for their own back with their “clean team” policy by then hiring a doctor who we now know was behind much of Rabobank’s doping program during the last decade. But it demands that we all – journalists and fans alike – ask the question, “Why aren’t we asking a lot more questions of a lot more teams about a lot more people?”

Editor’s note: we acknowledge the work of http://www.dopingzaak.nl/ and http://www.dopeology.org/ in creating extensive databases where you can further research this topic.

In his latest column for Cyclismas, Blazin’ Saddles drops the wise-cracking facade and has a go at actually writing something vaguely serious…

Saddleblaze has a confession to make: he didn’t actually watch the 9.6km deciding time trial up the Col d’Eze in Paris-Nice. He was busy moving house and doing chores – but it came as no surprise when he saw that the rubber-faced Tasmanian Richie Porte had picked up both the stage win and the overall victory.

Later, once the dust had settled – or snow, if you’re a UK resident – Saddles had a trawl through his feed on Twitter to gauge the public reaction following Team Sky’s latest stage race victory. One tweet in particular stood out, and sparked a huge ding-dong debate.

With reference to Porte’s victorious ride over Andrew Talansky in the ITT, SuzeCY aka @festinagirl wrote:

23″ that’s a HUGE winning margin

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

Respected cycling scribe and bouffant extraordinaire Daniel Friebe (@friebos) replied with a typically measured and insightful tweet:

@festinagirl Huge? Fairly standard. Poulidor beats Merckx by ’22 in 69, Michel Laurent by ’30 in 76, Roche by ’32 (from Indurain) in 89 etc

— Daniel Friebe (@friebos) March 10, 2013

And so sparked a war of words and opinions that rose up and down more ferociously than the raging seas in the terrible George Clooney film, The Perfect Storm (spoiler: they all die).

“Imagine what he’ll be like when he loses some weight,” quipped @festinagirl with reference to the portly Australian’s slightly tubby build.

@daveno7 wow, how fast will he go when he’s dropped a few pounds?

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

She then dug up some stats from last year’s identical time trial up the Col d’Eze:

@friebos Wiggins, an acknowledged TTer, could only beat Westra by 2″ – Porte smashed the rest of the field without trying

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

Having since watched the highlights of the final stage, Saddles can pretty much vouch that Porte’s efforts were not exactly in line with someone “not trying.” But for the sake of being an omniscient narrator here, Saddles will keep out of the argument. Besides, as @paddyjim threw into the ring, Wiggins did pick up a puncture during his winning ride last year, so those two seconds are kind of misleading.

“True but winning margin to 10th last year was just over 1min, winning margin to 3rd today was 1min 20+ secs – huge gaps,” returned @festinagirl, perhaps confusing the overall GC time gaps with those on the day (third place Nairo Quintana was 23 seconds down and the 10th place rider was 1:06 in arrears – that’s to say, “just over 1min”).

“You really think 23′ in a 20 minute race is a huge margin? In that case 1min is necessarily suspicious in a 55km TT. Come on,” replied an exasperated @friebos.

At this stage, a third party – ACF aka @Acycling_fan – entered the ring with a typically opinionated statement:

@friebos @festinagirl lets cut to the chase. Skys performances hav been US POSTAL style. guys who couldnt climb 1 yr are awesome the next yr

— ACF (@ACycling_fan) March 10, 2013

“Like? Some, not all, have certainly improved. They’ve also gone from leading teams to riding as domestiques,” replied @friebos, matter-of-factly.

“Where was Porte a team leader?” asked @festinagirl, forgetting Porte’s breakthrough seventh place in the 2010 Giro while at Saxo Bank. “Sure, Sky super doms have potential to lead elsewhere but that’s not unique to Sky.”

“Enough. We know what you think,” said @friebos, clearly eager to call time on a futile session of Sunday evening verbal fencing (after all, the final episode of gripping ITV drama, Mr Selfridge, was about to begin).

But the author of Mountain High and Eddy Merckx: The Cannibal couldn’t resist one final jab of the epée. “You have 7000 followers. Free to say what you like, but that’s a big audience to tell that someone is a fraud.”

This clearly got up the nose of the Prosecution’s tag-teamer @Acycling_fan, who jumped in with a seemingly personal jibe:

@friebos @festinagirl dan, you can keep the public stupid, just like the cycling press did for so Many years with Lance

— ACF (@ACycling_fan) March 10, 2013

“Simply not true. 95% of those who read cycling press had drawn correct conclusion about LA,” said the Defence, standing his ground.

At this point in proceedings, SBS young buck Al Hinds, who has followed the career of Porte intently since his time as cub reporter at Cyclingnews, pinged one off in support of the curly-haired Friebe:

@friebos @acycling_fan @festinagirl save yourself the pain mate. Not worth it.

— Alexander Hinds (@al_hinds) March 10, 2013

Clearly irate, the embittered @Acycling_fan came back with another fierce jab below the belt: “Well done Alex, keep the Omertà strong.”

Re-entering the room after perhaps warming up some dinner in the microwave (Findus Crispy Lasagne, allegedly), @festinagirl took @friebos to account with his comment about her misleading her lavish hoard of followers on Twitter.

“Not sure what your point is? All views are my own as are yours, presumably?” came the reply, prompting Britain’s leading young cycling journalist into a staunch defence of his own journalistic integrity: “I don’t and can’t print libellous supposition. We’re bound by same rules (no, laws) on here, or should be.”

There followed a long silence from the Prosecution. Once the case was taken back up, there seemed to be a marked shift from insinuations of doping to accusations of boredom-inducement and suffocation of the mystique.

As if it wasn’t enough for Porte to become the first Australian to win Paris-Nice while taking the queen’s stage mountain-top finish as well as the final uphill time trial, the Tasmanian was being chastised for doing it in a robotic and dour fashion.

Richie Porte ‘not trying’ up the Col d’Eze (Photo: AFP)

Anyway, time for Saddles to join the fray. Your humble cycling blogger finds the whole verbal spat rather irksome – and entirely symptomatic of the climate brought on by years of lies and shattered dreams.

But here’s the thing.

All cycling fans are allowed to be suspicious, for sure, but it’s getting out of hand when any admirable performance is greeted with a mass of jeers – a general wave of discontent that has the power to spread much faster in an era where Twitter reigns supreme, where everyone is a journalist and yet doesn’t feel they still have to adhere to the same moral framework the profession requires.

Given what happened before with Armstrong, brushes, and carpets, it’s become highly fashionable now for people – whether big or small – to throw the book at any performance that outdoes the other lesser performances on the day. There seems to be a consensus amongst a growing majority that no riders can improve without drugs; that riding “intelligently” is just another way of being “better prepared”; that Team Sky’s dominance is clearly a case of Groundhog Day.

It seems to Saddles that there are too many nihilistic iconoclasts out there bent on becoming the next Paul Kimmage. (You could say, even, that Paul Kimmage is bent on becoming the next Paul Kimmage – or at least a v2.0 Paul Kimmage – but that’s an entirely different tangent.)

Some cycling fans are distrusting of everything not through any measured thought, but on principle (but without principle). They’re doing it by default just so they can say – should something emerge at a later date – that they told you so. It’s a no-lose situation for them. Team Sky don’t get caught out – the suspicion still lingers; they do – hey, I told you so.

Granted, it’s probably not enough for many fans to take things on trust anymore. But by the same token, it’s not right for default suspicions to precede any form of appreciation of training methods, hard work, dedication and professionalism.

Yes, there’s a chance that Sky are US Postal mark two – but there’s also a much more likely chance that they are Sky mark one and are precisely what has emerged from the ashes of the American team.

With the top end of cycling relying pretty much on covert doping operations for nigh-on two decades, there was certainly a window of opportunity for a team coming in with advanced training methods centred around squad cohesion, teamwork, and marginal gains.

Yes, it’s not to everyone’s liking (the 2012 Tour de France was a dire spectacle, to be sure) but it’s damned effective.

“There’s no secret,” said Chris Froome after taking the Tirreno-Adriatico leader’s blue jersey over the border on Sunday. “It’s just continuing to work the way we worked in the last few years: training, measuring the training, and going back and doing it again. There’s not too much to it. It’s about getting the basics right.”

Vincenzo Nibali would agree – the Italian telling reporters on Sunday that he “paid a price for the infernal rhythm of Froome’s team in the finale.”

As for Porte, his time at Sky is “totally different” from his stint at Saxo Bank. “There is no other team training as hard as we do,” he confirmed. “The proof is in the pudding.”

(Photo: Getty Images)

Sky, it seems, have it sorted out. They have a roll call of GC riders – Wiggins, Froome, Porte – all ably supported by an interchangeable array of super-domestiques. The likes of Lopez, Uran, Henao, Cataldo, Zandio, Siutsou, and Kiryienka can all do a job if called upon – and that’s not even mentioning the classics riders and all-rounders like Thomas and Boasson-Hagen.

It is any surprise that Sky are so strong with such strength in depth and advanced training?

Yes, many of us share @festinagirl’s views when she says she’d much prefer watching riders like Voigt and Voeckler than a group of black-and-blue clad warriors dialing in the required wattage into their powermeters and riding to a programme.

But riders like Voeckler and Voigt are a dying breed. Besides, most of the ones we came to love over the past couple of decades had precisely the kind of preparatory help that many are so quick to accuse Sky of employing.

Fans need to be more realistic. By all means, be cynical – but do so for a reason and not merely in protest. Omertà is one thing, but a persistent finger-pointing and unmeasured hounding is just as bad.

French Models are upset by excessively thin cyclists ruining their reputation (image courtesy cosmopolitan.co.uk)

“In their quest to be as lean as possible, professional cyclists have encroached upon the working territory of our modeling constituents. Being excessively skinny and gaunt is their professional domain, and the efforts by these bike riders have jeopardised the reputation of models worldwide,” stated a representative of the legal firm representing FMU.

It seems FMU is taking exception to the current crop of super-thin cyclists sporting a look that fashion models have cultivated over the past 70 years. The fashion industry has been notorious for its drug use, eating disorders, lack of hygiene, and use of any means necessary to stay thin without actually exercising.

“This has been our modus operandi for decades. Now, the professional cycling peloton is taking our carefully cultivated approach and copying our methodology, but with one additional, damaging aspect. They go out and ride 230 kilometres on a bicycle as fast as they can. This is a complete affront to our je ne sais quois,” stated the lawyer representing FMU.

The group cited examples of Vacansoleil’s Lieuwe Westra, OmegaPharma-Quickstep’s Michael Kwiatowski, and the entire Team Sky entourage.

“We can appreciate a model’s desire to be rail-thin, because that’s when the clothes look their best. A mannequin should be the hanger that showcases the ensemble and nothing more. This is de rigeur in the fashion industry, but this is not what cyclists should look like. The last time we saw gauntness and lycra together, it was the disastrous runway collection by Stephen Sprouse that riffed on cycling gear.
 

The notorious Stephen Sprouse collection that is best forgotten

The lawsuit is asking French courts to set minimum-weight-to-height ratio limits on the professional peloton in order to ensure that CPA members not infringe on the reputation of the fashion industry. It is also asking all riders participating in the Tour de France to maintain at least 5% body fat.

Karl Lagerfeld, one of the more prominent supporters of the lawsuit noted, “We have to look out for the reputation of our industry, and preserve the valuable identity we have established. We can’t have people expecting our models to do more than walk down a runway. If professional cyclists are permitted to be excessively thin and also athletic, the general public will begin to expect more from us,” stated the disturbingly-thin Chanel designer from a chaise longue in his Paris atelier.

An unnamed source inside the Team Sky camp was incensed by the move.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. We are free to be as thin as we want. So what if all our riders look like an army of praying mantises when they head to the front of the race and slam the rest of the peloton to pieces while being just skin and bones.  We are allowed to suffer from anorexia, bulimia, and excessive drug use just like the birds in the fashion model industry,” commented the anonymous Team Sky representative.

Cycling pundits around the globe welcomed the lawsuit.

“Frankly I think this whole skinny movement is utterly preposterous. It makes it difficult to photograph the podium ceremony when they turn sideways to wave. They disappear into the background completely. This whole thin thing should be left to marathoners only. And fashion models. We need to bring back the beefcake era. Please. I just am tired of photographing these waifs. If I wanted that, I would have been in Milano for fashion week,” commented one cycling photographer who may or may not have been from Bettini Photography.

The FMU representative concurred. “These specimens on bikes should not try to copy the ‘heroin chicness’ of our clients, but rather should exude strength and power, like Fabian Cancellara, Cadel Evans, Mark Cavendish, or even Pippo Pozzato. These are all strong and virile men with striking chests and thick muscular thighs, especially Pozzato,” murmured the FMU representative dreamily.

CPA representative Gianni Bugno wasn’t available for comment. However, AIGCP-president-under-duress Jonathan Vaughters was happy to supply a soundbite.

“My team has a distinct ‘no insect look’ clause in all our contracts,” stated Vaughters.

The CPA has ten days to file a defense, or faces possible injunctions against the professional peloton as requested by the FMU.

Serenity now: Cavendish finds time to explore a burgeoning career as a landscape artist painting beautiful scenery. (image by photopress.be via cyclingnews.com)

“I have to admit, it’s been a bit difficult adjustment for me at OPQS after a year of absolute trials and tribulations. I’ve had to come up with another hobby to occupy my time,” stated the British superstar at a pre-Tirreno Adriatico press conference in Donoratico.

Last year Cavendish had a challenging season of excessive team infighting with his childhood mate Brad Wiggins. The turmoil culminated with Team Sky former directeur sportif Sean Yates stating over the radio at the Tour de France, “Who the f**k cares where Cavendish is right now, he can fetch bottles until the Champs.”

“Every day there was something new that I had to respond to on Twitter, or a phone call I had to field, or stupid questions I had to answer about riders from the tainted era, all because Brad couldn’t play nice with the press,” commented Cavendish.

The Manxman had to cope with juggling not only the demands of being one of the sprinting superstars of the sport, but also how to deal with a lack of internal team support when Sky principal and Doctor Evil doppelgänger David Brailsford elected to give his all in achieving the goals of Bradley Wiggins.

“I didn’t even get one of those superbikes like Brad rode at the Olympics. Thank goodness they didn’t put me on bottle duty at the last minute during the road race. It was touch and go for awhile, but they still screwed me up for any chance of a medal,” commented the Manx Missile.

With that chapter closed, Cavendish has taken up painting to fill the gaps.

“Since I don’t have to deal with all those team politics anymore, life has been pretty easy. In fact, with all this free time from not having to be on the phone constantly, I’ve had time to learn how to paint landscapes. It’s been quite therapeutic. Plus, Boonen has been fun to cook with when he comes over to my place,” continued Cavendish.

Cavendish’s new benefactor, Zdenek Bakala, noted how talented Cavendish has become as a painter.

“It’s quite possible the challenges Mark faced last year have taught him the patience to become an accomplished artist. His latest work has garnered the attention of art critics in London who were very impressed with his technique and subject matter,” stated Bakala.

Cavendish is thoroughly pleased with his new hobby and the ability to spend more time with his family without having to satisfy the “ridiculous” media requirements of Team Sky. He also hopes to be able to rekindle his sprint rivalry with Andre Greipel at Tirreno.

“Both Andre and I are tranquillo now. It’s almost as good as our time at HTC with Bob (Stapleton). I’m looking forward to us dueling at Tirreno. I’m also pleased I’m doing the Italian races this year, as I don’t think I could handle awful French food this early in the season,” concluded Cavendish.

The first stage of Tirreno-Adriatico  kicks off Wednesday with a team time trial on the picturesque coast of Italy just south of Pisa.

The latest news from highly respected anti-doping expert Sandro Donati confirms what many of us suspected in the 90s when Miguel Indurain dominated the racing scene. The fact that someone of Big Mig’s height and weight could climb better, stronger, and faster than the pure climbers of the era turned many of us away from the sport, myself included. Indurain’s stranglehold on cycling was as laughable as the efforts of RCS to ensure Francesco Moser (also a well known client of Francesco Conconi) won his hallowed Grand Tour in 1984. The only difference was Indurain didn’t have to use a helicopter to ensure his victories. No, Indurain preferred to use chemical means through the good doctor Conconi, who was one of many practicing the dark arts that came out of Eastern Bloc research of the 60s and 70s, built on the foundation of the Germans in the 30s and 40s.

So here we are with the doping beachhead of the 90s, or the naughties, as several journalists have taken to calling it. Sure, Indurain doped. Pantani doped. Armstrong doped. However, we’re again missing the point entirely, and are in danger of repeating our mistakes. How so?

There are currently two types of “back room boys” in cycling. By “back room boys,” I mean the managers, the support staff, and the doctors who are involved in the sport. There are those who are telling the truth, and those who wish to “leave things in the past” by refusing to talk about their history. From a psychological perspective, if those who have done naughty things in the past are allowed to skate away without being confronted, they may feel they have “carte blanche” to continue their activities, or perhaps slip back into old habits.

I recently went on a Twitter rant about Team Sky in this respect. I compared Geert Leinders at Sky to Ferrari working at US Postal during the Lance era. This in itself really isn’t a fair comparison, as Ferrari was never directly paid by US Postal for his work with Armstrong, while Leinders was paid and directly employed by Team Sky. My issue with Leinders working with Team Sky is the fact that a doctor who has multiple fingers pointed at him for doping practices has had direct contact with riders at Team Sky. How can Team Sky guarantee Leinders didn’t make side deals with riders to help their performance? How can Team Sky guarantee that Leinders didn’t employ questionable “techniques” on riders without their knowledge? How can Team Sky guarantee Leinders isn’t still in contact with riders at the team?

While Team Sky stated they’ve conducted a sufficient investigation into Leinders, my concern is that there are situations which haven’t yet been revealed which could damage Team Sky’s reputation in the future. What also bothers me is that Team Sky ignored inquiries from multiple journalists during Leinders’ tenure at the team, as Paul Kimmage documented on Twitter a few weeks back. Why are Team Sky reluctant to address the Leinders questions publicly? Why not release bio-passport information to skilled scientists such as Mike Ashenden to say for certain that Leinders had no biological impact on the team? And what if Leinders did have an impact? Team Sky has the opportunity to proactively address the issue, rather than reactively try dispose of skeletons which could scuttle the Team Sky experiment entirely.

The danger of not acknowledging this past and avoiding a public discourse on Leinders leads us to what could be the end result for the future for Team Sky: the Jim Ochowicz conundrum. You see, teams that just continually attempt to ignore their employees’ past sins run the danger of stacking problem on top of problem on top of problem until the skeletons are piled so high you can’t even see the ocean.

Jim Ochowicz with John Lelangue at the 2012 Tour de France. Will Ochowicz be subjected to more scrutiny? (image courtesy Casey B. Gibson via velonews.com)

Ochowicz has a long history in cycling and he’s one who has been “around” whenever controversy has occurred. 1984 and blood doping at the Olympics? Ochowicz was there alongside Edmund Burke, who performed the procedures deemed illegal. Alexi Grewal’s positive test? Ochowicz’s name popped up. Chris Carmichael gets sued by Greg Strock and Alex Keiter? Ochowicz was USA Cycling president and the case was magically settled out of court. Thomas Weisel torpedoes his Motorola team and creates US Postal out of the ashes? Ochowicz goes to work for Weisel and went on to manage money at Thomas Weisel Partners (TWP) for UCI president Hein Verbruggen. After that, Ochowicz consulted for Team Phonak, which had almost every major star busted for doping in some form or fashion. And of course Ochowicz’s current team hasn’t escaped dodgy insinuations, with Sven Schoutteten, a BMC soigneur, being arrested in 2011 in connection with a drug mule sting in Brussels. What did Och have to say about that? “A part-time soigneur for us? His name means nothing to me. I also don’t know anything about an arrest. This is the first I’ve heard of it,” he claimed, even though the soigneur’s name appeared on the official BMC staff roster.

The danger with Ochowicz’s interesting links coming to light is that it can cause damage for his bright young stars – Taylor Phinney and Tejay Van Garderen among them – who are at the forefront of a culture change in the sport. It also wrongly casts shadows of suspicion on riders such as Cadel Evans. Is this fair for the sport? In light of the fact that representation for Team BMC said it “wasn’t appropriate” for Ochowicz to make any public comments shows there’s the proverbial smoke that could lead to a disastrous fire for BMC, which could then prompt another Andy Rihs exit from pro cycling.

Ochowicz may well be a born-again anti-doping/anti-corruption crusader in spite of his past connections, links, and actions. However, unlike several of his counterparts who have been confessing to more transgressions than a Jerry Springer TV show guest, Ochowicz has chosen to duck in the ditch.

It is the wrong choice.

This is the same mistake Team Sky is making by refusing to confront the Leinders issue with their hat in their hands and transparency in their heart. Both teams need to be willing to address their histories openly and honestly in order for the sport to move forward. Remaining tight-lipped and refusing to acknowledge the history of Ochowicz’s dubious links is just going to make the situation worse for the sport and for Team BMC. Team Sky refusing to discuss Leinders publicly and openly will eventually catch up to them the same way Ochowicz’s history is catching up with him and potentially tainting the BMC brand.

These teams and their actions aren’t above suspicion. However, It isn’t fair that one or two individuals sour the whole barrel of apples. But if you don’t rummage around and pull out the bruised apple, we all know what eventually happens. The whole barrel becomes rotten.

It’s time for these “rotten apples” to expose their bruises and come clean with their activities. The alternative is   for those in positions of influence in their teams or in the sport governing body to expose the “rotten apples” and remove them from the barrel. Permanently.

Leinders in happier times for Team Sky (photo courtesy cyclingnews.com)

“We are disappointed that other press associations haven’t followed suit with our refusal to give ink to this obvious attempt at smearing the good and clean name of Team Sky. This is just another attempt by the shadowy group known as “Sir Bradley Wiggo Haters” to try to expose some sort of secret conspiracy of no importance to the overall agenda for British Cycling,” stated the group in a press release.

In fact, The V,VBaPCPA was absolutely incensed the information was made public on the same day the prince of Team Sky, Chris Froome, won his first stage race in the famous black-with-a-little-Rapha-blue-for-good-measure cycling kit.

“It’s typical. Just typical. These rogue peoples going around trying to ruin our grand scheme of public relations PUFF pieces putting forward the notion that British Cycling and Team Sky are the absolute best in the world, and you should buy everything we tell you to, because well, that will just make us all that much more awesome,” concluded the press release.

However, not everything was rosy in The V,VBaPCPA camp, as Telegraph-sometimes-independent-thinker Brendan Gallagher sniffed out potential page hits and went ahead and broke the blockade Saturday afternoon.

“I’m all about raising my profile in any way I can. Lance, Wiggins, or Leinders. I’m sure the V,VBaPCPA will forgive me this one slip-up,” commented Gallagher.

V, VBaPCPA president Will Fotheringham and vice presidents David Walsh and

were not available directly for any comments, as they were attending a Team Sky Tour of Oman celebratory dinner. Team Sky flew in Robbie Williams, Leona Lewis, and the entire boy band One Direction for the celebration. Bradley Wiggins played guitar for Robbie Williams during an “unplugged” version of “No Regrets.” Richie Porte spent the bulk of the event flirting with Kylie Minogue, who was flown in special for the event by Sky brass. Chris Froome chose to skip the celebration in lieu of a cozy evening with girlfriend Michelle, but appeared via Skype before going to bed.

The gala was rumoured to cost Team Sky north of £10 million.

Non-British pundits were quick to jump on the Leinders situation.

“It’s typical of Team Sky to create some sort of über-event for a small stage race after the announcement of the Leinders investigation. If Team Sky thinks the police will only investigate his Rabobank records and stop there, I think they’re missing the boat huge. If I were them, I’d be doing some forensic cleansing right about now,” stated one pundit who resembled Charles Pelkey.

When asked about the Leinders investigation, beknighted Team Sky mastermind Sir Dave Brailsford was direct.

“Wasn’t that a fabulous celebration last night? I wish I could find a way to have Sir Bradley and Chris tie for Tour de France victory. Wouldn’t it be brilliant to have two simultaneous victors on top of the final step in Paris with the fireworks? Brad could play guitar, and Chris could sing Wonderwall!” exclaimed an excited Brailsford.

Team Sky spokespeople confirmed, “Leinders has nothing to do with us, and please buy our Team Sky Rapha Jeans. They’re a steal at £350.”

Dutch investigators have stated that the Leinders inquiry begins with Rabobank rider confessions, but “doesn’t end there,” which may make the attempts by The V,VBaPCPA to bury the facts of the case much more problematic.

They haven’t been separated for long – but already both Bernie Eisel and Mark Cavendish are reminding each other just what their former partner is missing out on in the flat, sandy, and nondescript Tour of Qatar.

While the tall, chiselled Eisel beat out Cav in the battle for crumbs in the opening stage of the race through the flat, sandy and nondescript Qatar desert, the bespectacled mini Clark Kent lookalike from the Isle of Man showed his extinguished Austrian flame that he was still the boss with convincing solo sprint win on Tuesday’s stage three and Wednesday’s stage four through the flat, sandy and nondescript Qatar desert.

A glum Cav and Bernie knew their love couldn’t last forever

The two companions split up during the winter when Cavendish accepted a job overseas in Belgium. After painful talks, Bernie decided reluctantly (for the two shared a very special connection) that he wasn’t prepared to make the move himself. The Austrian powerhouse was content with his current role working in the distribution and delivery arm of UK-based media giant Sky Corp – and the offer of employment for a split role divided between a Brussels pharmaceuticals giant and a laminate flooring manufacturer just did not cut the mustard.

A tender moment between Bernie and Cav in happier times

“It wasn’t easy,” Eisel told media when quizzed about the much-publicised split during the recent Tour Down Under in Adelaide. “It definitely wasn’t easy,” he added, a salty glaze appearing across those piercing, nutty green eyes of his.

“I think it will take us some time. I think the first real test will be in Qatar when we race each other. That’s going to be strange. He’s going to be in my way. I’m going to be in his way. He’s still one of my best friends,” said Eisel in his inimitable Austr(al)ian accent (shall we call it Teutonicaroo? Or perhaps Austratonic?).

Well, Bernie was right. In stage one of the Middle East’s premier stage race – which can be pretty much summed up as cycling in an overly large golf (or gulf) bunker – Eisel was very much in Cavendish’s way; so much, in fact, that his former lead-out man actually pipped him to the line, Eisel taking fourth and Cavendish sixth, after the big sprinters were denied by breakaway Brent Bookwalter (BMC) and his two Swiss cronies, Martin Elmiger (IAM Cycling) and Gregory Rast (RadioShack-Trek).

Eisel had also previously explained how he and Cavendish had grown apart; how their close bond had unravelled after being probed and explored as far as it could, with Eisel becoming very much the passive ‘bear’ of the relationship, his input somewhat under-appreciated and taken for granted.

“At the beginning he was like my little brother,” Eisel told Cyclismas’ own older-yet-straighter-edged sibling, Cyclingnews. “I could teach him things and he taught me a lot, too, but over the last two years I realised I couldn’t teach him anything anymore. He’s ready. But I still miss him. I miss his reactions. It’s like being with family; you know how he’s going to react.”

Brian Holm, who worked with the pair at HTC and who is now reunited with his protegé Cav at Omega Pharma-Quick Step, is confident his star rider will be able to move on by keeping busy, working hard and mixing “with the Belgians” (although this may be some kind of euphemism for something involving copious swathes of mayonnaise).

Cav is desperately seeking a new BFF

“Replacing Eisel doesn’t happen overnight,” said agony uncle Holm. “At the end of the year, he’s going to have a new best friend. It’s like breaking up with a girlfriend – you find a new one. Bernie is a fantastic guy. I really like him. I worked with him for five years, but like everything in life, it comes to an end.”

Noises from within the OPQS camp suggest that Cavendish has not replaced Bernie with a big Belgian; instead he is grooming Matteo Trentin, the young Italian sprinter. Their levels of flirtation have reached such an advanced level that Cavendish is already posting photos on Twitter of his room-mate snoozing in their large double bed.

Seeing his ostensible replacement in such a tender snapshot is said to have deeply saddened Eisel, who was driven to remind Cavendish just what he was missing with his fourth-place ride in the opening stage of Qatar, from the improbably named Katara Cultural Village to – that’s more like it – Dukhan Beach (via sandstorms, gale force winds, and broad motorways).

Cav gave his ex a metaphorical slap in the face on Tuesday, biting back with a well-oiled win after seeing his former right-hand-man only manage to guide his new Norwegian partner to a sixth-place finish. He then further compounded the misery on Eisel with a second win on Wednesday – achieved without anything remotely resembling a lead-out – to take the leader’s gold jersey.

The whole dynamic is a bonanza for psychologists the world over.

“Cavendish was able to move on from his previous ex, Mark Renshaw, very easily precisely because Renshaw was no longer anywhere to be seen in the workplace,” said Professor Karl-Heinz Konfitüre der Träume, a relationship psychologist from the Institute of Zwolle (currently on sabbatical from the Humanities department of the University of Saxony).

“But things initially appeared very different with Eisel. The Austrian is so hurt he’s been reduced to passive-aggressive games – pipping Cavendish in a worthless sprint in a vain attempt to make the Englander so sad and wistful that it not only affects his performance, but also makes him desire for the ultimate forbidden fruit.

“In Germany we have an expression – lebenslanger rhabarbermarmeladeschatz leidenschafts – which roughly translates as ‘the treasure that is a sumptuous rhubarb marmalade made from a lifetime’s passion’. Well, Bernie wants Cav to think of him as a particularly tasty jam that can no longer grace his pretzel.”

Professor Karl-Heinz does not envisage a happy ending for either party.

“What was a rather civil partnership may now plummet to something noxious, rum, and unsavoury. In Germany, we say unschmackhaft untergang seelisch – which loosely translates as a type of unpalatable emotional sunset. With Cavendish coming out on top for two days running, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eisel now reacts by trying to win the Qatar king of the mountains competition – he will be that disorientated.

“To make matters worse, Cavendish’s gold jersey will remind Bernhard of the gold jersey he helped his former HTC brother win in the 2010 Vuelta. Imagine that: it’s like a girl seeing their ex partner – how do you say? – out on the pulling while wearing that snazzy shirt you bought for him for his birthday. There will be some tears in the pillow tonight in Qatar.”

In an aside, the pensive German professor explained his reservations about Qatar being on the World Tour race calendar in the first place.

“Cycling is as much about the journey as the result; the geography, history, and gastronomy of the area being traversed is integral in the enjoyment of the race from the spectator’s point of view as well as for its place in posterity. In this respect, Qatar is merely a long-haul stop-over for a bunch of cyclists making their functional journey back from Australia to Europe,” he said, before being wheeled back to the institute for his afternoon cup of cocoa.

Regardless the benefits or disadvantages of holding an early-season stage race in a petro-fuelled pancake-flat desert deprived of delectable podium girls or anything remotely resembling a twin peak, the road is clearly going to be a bumpy one for at least two riders this week as Cavendish and Eisel get to grips with life apart.

One would say Bradley Wiggins and Chris Froome were chewing the fat – but there wasn’t much blubber on display. These two men look lean and mean as they approach a new season with a huge weight of expectation on their narrow, bony shoulders.

The long and unruly mop adorning Wiggins’ head was mirrored by the shorter and more severe closely-cropped fuzz of Froome – the army-style cut perhaps an act of defiance on the face of things. (Quite where that puts Brailsford, with his own bald pate, is anyone’s guess.)

The mop vs. the buzz (Getty image)

A few blocks down the road from the swanky hotel that is Team Sky’s winter training base was the spot where a topless post-Olympics Wiggins was photographed, half-cut, crouching on a kerb with a fag in his mouth back in those heady days of August.

The only fag on display five months later in January was Froome himself.

After all – in the British private school system, a “fag” does indeed denote a younger pupil required to perform certain menial tasks for an older pupil of higher class. Such tasks can include warming loo seats, toasting crumpets or – in the case of Froome – fetching bidons and withstanding the bullying from the boys from other schools while protecting his institution’s Head Boy through thick and thin.

(Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron’s fag, incidentally, is how the British media cruelly – albeit deliciously – portray Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrat leader and other half of the faltering coalition government.)

Should Sky want to top the school tables this year for Headmaster Brailsford, they will have to hope their own coalition delivers the goods – and former fag Froome was quick to remind reporters out in Majorca last week of his leadership qualities.

“I was a Prefect at school,” he said with a grin, clearly eager to clear any doubts as to who will be whipping the cane this season for the Rapha-clad road racers.

School prefect trumps Alpha mod?

Froome stressed he was “100% certain” of his position as Sky’s team leader for this year’s 100th edition of the Tour de France. Wiggins may be the team’s Alpha male – but Froome the Beta rider has his heart set on being a Rapha world-beater in 2013.

Asked whether or not he expected the loyalty he showed to Wiggins to be repaid come July, Froome again played the percentages card. “100%,” he replied. “The team’s success depends on that – that everyone buys into that plan. If everyone’s off doing their own thing it’s going to be a circus.”

Going off and doing his own thing is the preferred means of functioning for Wiggo the circus master, who notoriously loves to train alone with only the laptop of Tim Kerrison, Sky’s Head of Performance Support, as a companion.

While Froome is adamant that “this year, our roles will be reversed and he’ll be doing the job for me,” Wiggins for his part only admits that “the likelihood is that Chris will be the leader and I will be there in a supporting role.”

The knighted bicycle rider did enough to suggest that all was not plain sailing in the Sky camp by underlining he still harbours a strong desire to win the Tour again. “It may be this year, it may be next year,” Wiggins said, cryptically.

Indeed, despite all the bullish talk from Froome, rumours of late suggest that Kerrison, Sky’s numbers man, is secretly convinced that Wiggins can use the Giro to his benefit and arrive in Corsica for the Tour’s grand depart even stronger than last year. So while Froome is currently being touted as Sky’s trump card, things could pan out very differently when the pair meet up in the school playground.

If this Morcambe & Wise comedy sideshow wasn’t enough as it is, imagine how it would have been had Vincenzo Nibali made it a right Goon Show by joining Sky back in 2010. This, admitted the new Astana rider in an interview last week, is indeed what the Italian regretted he had not done.

“Do I wish I’d signed? It was a new team and I was looking forward to being part of a big international team. Yes, I wish I’d been able to ride for them then,” Nibali said.

Of course, quite what would have happened to Nibali – who did after all win the Vuelta in 2010 with Liquigas – had he joined Sky is anyone’s guess. In fact, quite what would have happened to Sky is perhaps just as pertinent a question.

Had he joined at the team’s inception, would Nibali have have adopted the Froome role as Wiggo’s fag – or would Team Sky’s first grand tour winner have been an Italian (albeit one coerced into growing his sideburns and uttering cockneyed profanities like a pizza parlour waiter in Clerkenwell)?

Chris Froome in the 2008 Tour de France (image by Bettini courtesy of Cyclingnews)

Back in 2010 nobody could have expected the meteoric rise of Froome, the former Barloworld rider who for years battled against a rare African parasitic disease of the blood; a rider who, nevertheless, according to The Guardian newspaper on Saturday, “showed real potential” in 2008 when “competing on Alpe d’Huez against a formidable climber and doper in Denis Menchov.”

Such accusatory vernacular was a bit gung-ho for even The Guardian, which quickly amended its online version of the article to downgrade Menchov to a plain old “formidable climber” – no doubt following a quick call from the Silent Assassin’s lawyers. (And there we were thinking that the Operacion Puerto trial wasn’t due to open for a couple of days…)

Anyway, back to Nibali and his hypothetical position in Sky. Given what has happened over the past couple of seasons – Froome’s rise coupled with Wiggins’s wins – the Italian probably would have found his way to Astana this season anyway.

As it is, like he was in the 2012 Tour, Nibali will be one of Wiggins’ main opponents in the Giro this May. But the question remains: will Wiggo ride the Giro all-out to win, or with a view to taking his form into the Tour as Sky’s star pupil?

“I’m a reasonable guy. I’m not a dictator,” claimed Wiggo last week in Majorca. From the unchained subject sitting next to him, was there a perceptible frown from Froome?