Coulr O’Phobia, head of stuff at Aigle, revealed the extent of the UCI desire to help major players in the sport such as the organisers they can’t live without. “We examined this from a strictly objective point of view; 22 teams of 9 is approximately 198 riders. With the welcome addition of our friends from Katusha we have expanded the peloton by only 4.5%, I think, as 23 x 9 is 208 riders. This 4.5% can be recovered by our new program of innovative regulations – all groovy things we planned anyway.”

“We have relaxed the minimum weight of the bikes from 6.8kg to 6.494kg. We have also requested a reduction in wheelbase by 4.5% and all handlebars must now be a maximum of 38cm, which let’s face it, made Adam Hansen Grand Tour Omnium champion.

This now makes even more space on the road, but our help extends further. Riders will be expected to lose 4.5% body weight and to assist, we’ve decided not to ban Telmisartan, not that we were going to anyway – fill your boots team Doctors.”

Our president, Mr. McQuaid, has been moved by the words of outgoing Pope Henricous and we feel that extra riders is an exceptional opportunity to utterly reject homophobia and encourage riders to buddy up on accommodation – again easing the logistics nightmare we inadvertently created for the ASO and RCS. Cycling embraces embracing and should the Aussies see this as a step too far, we will accept top and tail arrangements.

Finally, whilst the regulations regarding sock height was welcomed by all our stake-holders, we will eliminate the extra 4.5% of laundry by asking all riders to wear one sock.”

How all cyclists look wearing only one sock

When pressed on the practicalities of such arrangements, outgoing president Pat McQuaid stated, “I feel that this increase in participation levels within the pro cycling ranks can be viewed as one of the wonderful legacies of my tenure. More cyclists on the roads can only be a good thing and the fact that we have done this via our usual incompetence shouldn’t dilute the benefits to sexual diversity and sales of Telmistartan.”

Katusha, whilst chuffed to be allowed back into the upper echelon of the echelons, were somewhat anxious regarding the new measures. Many of their press relations officers stated, “We are rather upset to be linked with a non-relaxation of the potential banning of a non-banned drug that lots of riders may have used legally. We love drug-free cycling at Katusha these days and would never not do none of that bad shit. Although the one sock rule is to be welcomed.”

A chance moment reading an Aeroflot inflight magazine drew the curiosity of Vlatislav Ekimov, tainted Katusha team director. The subject was Prince Charles’s interest in alternative medicine, notably homeopathy.

“We need points real bad, but we no longer can be caught with the dope, so I ask Charles to help us so for in return the Russian people will buy much more property from the Duke of Westminster.”

Reading that Charles is convinced that molecular doses of a substance can have significant therapeutic effects, Eki sought out the King-in-waiting to devise a non-pharmaceutical means of boosting the team’s performance.

The pair sat down with advisors in the Duchy of Cornwall’s 5^th largest kitchen and discussed the possible options. Essence of beetroot was the preferred means of administering added powers of power.

Early tests proved inconclusive when just as the project seemed doomed, the youngest of Princess Diana’s sons, Prince Harry, confirmed to UK media that he had been involved in deadly attacks on Afghan freedom fighters and wedding guests.

This was the breakthrough they had sought and the testosterone homeopathic plan was born. This simple regime involves several pairs of Prince Harry’s Apache helicopter underwear being worn for several days past the regulation 5 days. These are then being secreted about Katusha buses and team hotel kitchens.

The molecular doses of killer homeopathic testosterone have been infusing subliminally into riders and bringing the same performance boosts that Eki used to enjoy whilst he allegedly benefited from the Lance A-team program.

“I have much joy to be knowing that the very macho briefs of a warrior Prince will help us with points and also to be accepted into the WPCC as we no longer are quite of cheats. Harry is much more bad ass than Uwe Ampler, and everyone feels his testosterone is the answer to the team points conundrum.”

It is understood that the news has prompted SKINS to send several pairs of compression tights to Kensington palace.

“We are proudly announced almost all riders for Katusha Team are cooperating with authorised anti-doping bodies,” stated the press release, “We are happy of this declarations of being 96.55172413793103 percent clean.”

Galimzyanov's confession letter (photo courtesy of www.inrng.com)

When asked about the 3.44827586206897 percent that wasn’t clean, team manager Brian Holczer was definitive in his answers.

“We have a handwritten letter explaining the percentage that is the issue for our team. I will say I am quite proud we are almost 100 percent clean. It is a big improvement over my last team, Gerolsteiner, where it seems the opposite was true. It took me years to overcome that hurdle and return to the sport,” commented Holczer.

The handwritten letter, courtesy of star-Katusha-sprinter Denis Galimzyanov, went out of its way to explain why the team shouldn’t suffer for his personal transgressions. It documented his troubled past, the dubious sort of folks whose influence he acceded to in China at the Tour of Beijing, and the vast quantities of consumer electronics and cut-rate textiles he received in exchange for use of the Chinese EPO. In fact, Galimzyanov’s likeness has been reportedly seen on Chinese television where he served as a spokesman for the EPO company supplying him.

When asked about Galimzyanov, Holczer was extremely defensive.

“Hey now! Just because I was on a team with a high percentage of cheats in the past doesn’t mean I am directly responsible for what happens with the riders on my team. I am a victim of coincidence. Just because I run the team doesn’t mean I have an obligation to keep track of every single rider. It’s a big team. I am proud of the fact that Katusha is currently  96.55172413793103 percent clean. In fact, now that Denis has admitted his transgressions and decided not to fight the charges, Katusha is currently a 100-percent clean team,” spun Holczer.

Katusha team owner Igor Makarov offered his thoughts.

“In Russia, achieving a 96.55172413793103 percent in university grading means you are heralded as a genius in your studies. I am proud of my team’s record. I’m also proud of Denis admitting his mistakes, and taking his prison sentence like a true Russian Hero,” stated Makarov via phone from his 60-foot yacht, Areti 1.

Katusha takes a fully-loaded roster to Fleche Wallone on Wednesday.