Stannard is concerned about the immigration of Belgians like Wiggins tainting the purity of Team GB cycling team selections. (Source: European Pressphoto Agency)

“Look, they’re great riders and all, but none of them were born in England. I mean, Wiggo is Belgian, Froome is Kenyan, Cav is from some Isle in the middle of the ocean, and that Millar guy is from way up north. What has happened to our cycling programme? We can’t grow our own talent so we have to bring it in from elsewhere? Isn’t this against the spirit of the Olympics?” commented an exasperated Stannard.

Stannard went on to state that the country’s obsession with winning and fame has put the entire nation at risk, especially considering the current political and economic climate.

“It’s complete and utter madness,” fumed Stannard, “How do you think (Jeremy) Hunt, Swifty (Ben Swift), and Burkey (Steven Burke) feel about being displaced by foreigners? It isn’t right I tell you. I don’t care what the odds are for a medal with the transplants. It should be done the right way, or not at all,” concluded the Chelmsford lad.

The selection of the British road team has been mired in controversy ever since Wiggins came out against the inclusion of  Millar for Team GB, creating a shitstorm of immense magnitude, and dividing the British cycling nation in half. Wiggins has made overtures to heal the chasm between the two, and as of late, Millar has “accepted” the overtures.

However, the comments by Stannard highlight the challenges facing David Brailford as he attempts to cobble a team together that features a potpourri of nationalities, competing agendas, and a history of disagreements.

“I really don’t give a shite where they were born. As long as they agree to my agenda, they can ride for me. All five riders are committed to winning, and Cavendish will be on the top step in London where he belongs. I’ve planned this for five years, and nothing will stand in my maniacal ways,” commented Brailsford, despite the fact that he had seven cigarettes simultaneously attached to his lips.

We attempted to reach British pundits for comments, but due to the nature of the news, they were all too busy fawning over Brailsford and unable to comment. However, Phil Liggett did offer his feelings on Team GB.

“I don’t think Armstrong is guilty. It’s an absolute witch hunt. I will be banging this public relations drum every single day on NBC. I don’t care what Joel Felicio says in my ear,” declared an allegedly senile Liggett.

Team GB goes into the Olympic road race as heavy favorites.

Hoy threads the needle in spectacular fashion to take gold on Easter Sunday (Photo: dailyrecord.co.uk)

“I’m at a loss. It’s unbelievable. Our preparation for this race was impeccable in every manner. We drilled the pace. We rode at a speed unseen in years. However, the mental game seems to elude us as as Quickstep’s preparation matches us pedal stroke for pedal stroke,” commented an exasperated David Brailsford.

“The idea of just sending Flecha up the road ‘to see what he could do’ and for Hayman to sit up for ‘reinforcements’ in the late stages of the race is just plain unacceptable. Our monstrous budget cannot withstand an absence of wins between Cav’s early season and the Tour,” continued Brailsford.

Team DS Servais Knaven was reflective and philosophical about it.

“What do you expect from a team that devotes 80% of its resources to two riders? I can’t turn water into wine like some people around this sport can,” stated Knaven.

After Sir Chris Hoy’s phenomenal performance earlier in the day, where he rode through the eye of the needle to secure Keirin gold, sources say Brailsford reached out to the knighted champion of the track. After considering his budgetary expenditures for a team psychologist, an army of doctors, a public relations firms, several marketing companies, and their operational staff, it seems Brailsford wants to reach out to familiar territory to turn around the listing oil tanker that is Team Sky.

When reached for comment early Monday morning in Australia, Sir Hoy was rather coy about the prospects of working with Team Sky.

“Look, while I appreciate the technical expenditures for the hordes of staff the team has assembled, some things just can’t be bought or taught. It has to be inherent in the athlete. Maybe if Team Sky spent more time recruiting the right types of lads, rather than trying to turn butter into cheesecake, the team might have more success. I’m not trying to slight David [Brailsford] because he’s a great chap. But at some point the suits need to be thrown off the ‘Juggernaut’ [team Sky bus nickname], the press needs to be ignored, the doctors told to shove off, and the boys urged go out and buy each other several hundred pints,” commented a chipper Hoy.

Team Sky classics veteran Juan Antonio Flecha, when approached with the news of Hoy’s potential work for the team, was encouraged by the development.

“Maybe Hoy can teach team management how to feel the sport from the heart. They’ve managed to suck the life out of everything they touch. You could tell by our efforts at Roubaix. When the soul is empty, the legs go through the motions,” stated Flecha.

Brailsford has called a press conference for Wednesday. Details have not be revealed by the team, but Sir Hoy speculation is running rampant.