Hein Verbruggen basks in the glow of appreciation as a Chinese official smiles at the UCI’s decision to disavow Japan

“We must protect our tenuous relationship with China. I have staked my entire career on my business ventures and relationships in China. In order to appease those relationships, we had no choice but to pass a UCI motion revoking the existence of Japan, until such time as China says it’s okay for them to exist again,” declared Verbruggen at a makeshift press conference in Binondo, a traditional stopping point in Manila on the way to Beijing for the UCI’s honorary president.

Pat McQuaid, also in attendance at the press conference, echoed the sentiment.

“We must protect our tenuous relationship with China. I have staked my entire career on Hein’s business ventures and relationships in China. In order to appease those relationships, we had no choice but to pass a UCI motion revoking the existence of Japan, until such time China says it’s okay for them to exist again,” stated the UCI presidential parrot.

Caught in the mess of the declaration were the thousands of Japanese companies who are involved in the sport – from marketing, manufacturing, media, public relations, sales, and consulting.

“So in the eyes of the UCI, Japan no longer exists. Does this mean we get to yank our massive sponsorship dollars from the UCI, since we are a major sponsor of the governing body itself, with our logo plastered all over their website? The fact they asked our partner, 1t4i, to stay away from the race is an embarrassment to all in the sport,” stated a currently invisible, unknown, and anonymous Shimano spokesperson.

“Good luck with us being involved next year with the World Championships,” added the same invisible, unknown, and anonymous Shimano spokesperson.

Pundits everywhere were up in arms over the action.

“Is it possible to place the heads of the UCI further up the arse of Chinese politicos? Is it? Seriously?” stated one pundit who may or may not have been Neil Browne of Roadcycling.com as he was only partially invisible due to his t-shirt bearing the Specialized logo. [Editor’s note: Specialized manufactures some of their products in Japan.]

However there was an upside to the declaration, as noted by Trek’s Gary Fisher.

“Hey the good news is we can go about racing without being on the UCI’s radar. I mean, maybe we can just go back to business as usual since the Japanese content of race sponsorship, race organization involvement,  and racing products is so high the UCI won’t be able to see any of our events next year. No more UCI is pretty much a good thing for everyone,” stated Fisher.

Garmin-_____’s CEO Jonathan Vaughters was unavailable for comment as he uses a _____ mobile phone, which under the current UCI regime has been rendered non-existent due to the emergency motion passed.

Degenkolb puts his Jagger-like moves on one of the podium pretties for Stage 7 of the Vuelta. Word is he “scored the digits.” (Photo courtesy AP/Alvaro Barrientos)

Sources close to Degenkolb have admitted he’s been serenading podium girls with his rendition of Maroon 5′ s hit song, “Moves Like Jagger,” that includes full choreography, a wink, and a smile. Degenkolb has been seen handing off his “digits” to the smitten podium contingent staffing this year’s Vuelta.

“Not only is the lad killing it on his Felt bike, but he’s really smoking the dance moves behind the scenes before the podium presentations. I’m majorly impressed with his leg work. Mick Jagger should worry about his shake-n-bake dance title,” admired an anonymous team mechanic.

Degenkolb’s teammates are also enjoying his performances on and off the bike. Simon Geschke, in particular, has marveled at the sprinter’s fancy footwork.

“I thought I’d seen it all with Bert’s massive hairdo, but John’s dance steps and vocals at the hotel and on the podium certainly top the best de Backer has mustered at races this year,” commented Geschke.

It seems, however, the downside of the Argos-Shimano stage winner’s exploits has been a hassle for his roommate, Koen de Kort. While de Kort himself wouldn’t directly discuss the German’s habits at the hotel, he did admit Degenkolb’s constant phone calls, Skype chats, and yelling out the window was “disruptive to my resting habits.”

“I’m very happy for John. He’s quite a talented teammate, and I’ve enjoyed shepherding and protecting him for his wins. His enthusiasm for our teammwork is awesome. I just hope his status with the ladies dies down just a little. I can only handle hearing ‘Moves Like Jagger’ so many times while he’s on the phone. Not to mention it’s his ringtone now,” relayed de Kort.

Degenkolb, while enjoying the spotlight, was a little embarrassed by this “playa” status bestowed upon him by Liquigas sprinter Elia Vivani.

“Playa? Wow. I’m not sure I deserve the title, but I wouldn’t mind exploring the definition of the term over a nice candlelight dinner with Eurosport’s Laura Meseguer. I’m not sure if that means I’m a “playa,” but I’m certainly enjoying the scenery here in Spain, if you know what I mean,” declared Degenkolb.

The Vuelta hits the high mountains for Stage 14, which will give Degenkolb  plenty of time to work on his karaoke skills during the gruppetto singalong. The podium ladies are anticipating quite a show after Saturday’s stage, which promises to be just another stop on the Argos-Shimano sprint clinic in Spain.

The pack with Manuel Quinziato of Italy, left, and Andy Schleck of Luxembourg. The SchleckChute™ failed to deploy moments after this climb. (AP Photo/Peter Dejong)

“I’m not sure what happened. I saw Cadel Evans pull his chute and exit the race, and so I thought it was a good time to do the same. But for some reason, my rip cord wouldn’t activate. It’s terrible. I was forced to finish a race,” commented a visibly agitated Schleck.

Team management consultant and 9-time Tour de France winner Johan Bruyneel was ranting and raving to anyone within earshot about the failure of chute deployment.

“Unbelievable. We partnered with Trek for the SchleckChute™ based on their track record with their bicycle products. They promised us no issues. After several races where the product worked, it fails when we needed it the most. We need at least eight DNFs for Andy in order for him to properly prepare for his Tour de France victory in July,” declared Bruyneel.

When contacted for comment, Trek marketing representative Gary Fisher was fairly blunt in his assessment of the situation. Fisher noted Trek’s commitment to product advancement, quality control, and a stellar reputation dating back decades. While he refused to speculate, Fisher did note Schleck’s history of issues with mechanical failures.

“Look, we all know Andy is mechanically challenged. He cross-shifted in one of the most important moments of his career and watched Contador ride off with his Tour victory. Even though he did get that one back, still, his reputation for equipment mishandling is legendary,” commented Fisher.

Upon further digging, it was discovered, in fact, that “operator error” was the more likely reason for the SchleckChute™ deployment failure, resulting in Schleck’s 91st place finish on Sunday.  Representatives from Team Argos-Shimano confirmed overhearing a conversation between Team RadioShack-Nissan mechanics and team director Kim Andersen where Andersen told said mechanics to “blame the equipment again.”

Team RadioShack-Nissan representatives refused to comment on the rumor, but have confirmed that Trek ensured the SchleckChute™ will not have any more failures for Schleck at future races leading up to his Tour de France bid in July.