While the Tour of Beijing may run, will anyone be actually able to see the riders around Beijing? (photo courtesy Wikipedia.org)

“Look, it’s safe in Beijing. If it wasn’t, would all these people live here? It’s not liked they’re forced to live in China. I’ve spoken to many riders and managers who were concerned about the smog, and I’ve assured them the situation is overblown,” commented Rumpf as a steady stream of people entered the hotel lobby from outside wearing gas masks.

The concern reached fever pitch after BMC Pro Team superstar Taylor Phinney today tweeted the air pollution index, well over the “hazardous” rating of 300, carrying a warning that people in Beijing stay indoors or underground.

Screen grab from Taylor Phinney’s phone in Beijing

“Taylor is right to be concerned. When you have a plus 300 or a plus 400, you have a situation where athletes can develop asthma or other serious health issues from the pollutants.  It’s especially dangerous for the Irish or the Dutch, who could develop ‘McQuaidy Delusional Grandeur’ or ‘Henie Supreme Evilness’ with prolonged exposure. Keep in mind Los Angeles is around a 54, and look what it’s done to that city,” commented environmental expert Natasha Greenwell of the Environmental Protection Agency in the United States.

Many riders and team managers in Beijing were concerned as they couldn’t find their bicycles nor the team cars for training rides, as the thick smoke rendered objects completely invisible. In fact, a search was mounted when RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-CSE-Livestrong rider Andy Schleck let go of the tow rope set up to guide athletes to dinner. Fortunately, Schleck was found nearby in the fetal position sucking his thumb after mistakenly opening a text message from Johan Bruyneel.

“Considering Rumpf, McQuaid, and Verbruggen don’t want to cancel Beijing in these circumstances, what’s next? Chernobyl? A South African diamond mine race? How about racing around an erupting volcano spewing lava? Based on their track record, I’m thinking about going into bounty hunting. That profession is safer than this,” commented one anonymous rider who may or may not have been Henrich Haussler.

Brad Wiggins expressed his sadness for missing the race.

“We all know what a smoker I’ve become, and I’m fairly lazy.  I could just lay on a bench outside and get my buzz in Beijing. I think I’m going next year,” declared Wiggins.

Riders were organizing a protest at press time, and were pondering tying Rumpf to a bicycle, tying said bicycle behind a bus, and forcing him ride around the city for 48 hours.

No word if any teams were actually going to show up at the start line, or make their way to the airport instead.

Cavendish is taken out by the irregular sprinting of Roberto Ferrari (photo courtesy @UCI_Overlord)

Ferrari was, at first, completely unaware of the kerfuffle he caused, continuing to finish the sprint and then leaving the scene of the crime like a newspaper delivery truck clipping a London bike commuter.

When asked about what happened during the stage, Ferrari responded with, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked about what he had to say about being relegated for his highly irregular sprinting, Ferrari replied, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked whether or not the Kennedy assasination conspiracy theory had validity or not, Ferrari replied, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked if he felt Liz Hatch was one of the hottest women related to the sport of cycling, Ferrari replied, “Absolutely. She has one of the best cycling figures in the sport. Plus she knows how to handle herself on a bike. Who wouldn’t think this is attractive, no?”

Team owner Gianni Savio moved in quickly to protect his star sprinter, as pitchforks and bonfires surrounded the Androni team bus. With a contingent of unruly Team Sky punters holding an effigy of Ferrari – concocted very quickly, as only English punters can do on short notice – Savio was forced to announce this declaration to soothe the unruly crowd:

“After numerous threats to the well-being of Roberto Ferrari due to his actions, which have been declared an act of ‘terrorism’ by the U.S. Department of Homeland security based upon his alleged attack on Taylor Phinney, and at the request of the UK Home Secretary to have Ferrari extradited to England as an enemy of the state for actions against Mark Cavendish, we felt it was best for Roberto to go into hiding in Venezuela,” relayed a sullen Savio.

Details were sketchy at press time, but according to sources inside the Androni team, Venezuelan presidente-for-life Hugo Chavez made the phone call to Savio, as a sponsor of the team, to offer his protection against the ‘Imperialist Anglo Empire’ on behalf of Ferrari.  It is, however, unconfirmed if this sprinter protection program will be commencing right away or later on during the Giro.

Tonight the riders begin the long 1600 km trek back to Italy for stage four. It remains to be seen if Ferrari will be making the transfer with the other riders.

Will Boonen be a crazy Belgian fan or a rider in Qatar next year? (Photo courtesy of ASO)

Responding to comments from U.S.-born BMC rider, Taylor Phinney, who stated, “If I wanted to ride on freeways and stare at the desert, I could have stayed at home,” the Sheikh said he felt the need to take care of the future star of the sport.

“We have negotiated with governor Jerry Brown of the great American state of California to purchase Mt. Shasta for six billion U.S. dollars, and we will be moving it to Qatar for the 2013 edition of the race,” declared Al Thani the Just.

Details were sketchy at press time, but anonymous sources in the governor’s office said the deal needed to be made, with the state facing a pending $3 billion debt problem in March. The looming debt crisis could have tipped the entire country’s economy into default, something that Brown didn’t want to have happen on his watch.

The office of the President of the United States also confirmed that military resources and technology would be put to work for the move, confirming that military exercises recently conducted in Los Angles were related.

However, the Sheikh also noted that it wasn’t enough to obtain the landmark – scheduled to be deposited near the town of Bir Zekrit – as Qatar also felt they needed “crazy cycling fans” to line the route of the 6-stage race.

“After watching 62,000 crazy Belgian fans during the cyclocross world championships, we felt that purchasing the population of Belgium for our race would really add the necessary cycling flavor to the broadcasts. They have proven to be the most cycling-mad nation on the planet. It is a good investment on our part,” commented the Sheikh.

The posed some confusion, however, as the 2012 race winner Tom Boonen is Belgian.

“Does this mean I’m supposed to be a crazy fan? Or am I going to race next year? Leave it to these oil-rich folks to make a mess of the sport, let alone the world. Whatever…” concluded a confused Boonen.

When asked for clarification on the Belgian’s conundrum, UCI boss Pat McQuaid was specific, “I have no comment on this situation. I will say that it’s none of your business what we do for the sport, nor is it Tom’s [Boonen] place to worry about anything other than riding a bike. Our record on globalization is strong.”

Noted human rights activist and Eurosport commentator David Harmon offered his two cents on the deal, “I’m quite interested in the logistics of not only moving mountains, but also an entire population for six days. But of course if anyone can make something happen, it’s American ethics and know-how coupled with Qatari money.”