A happy Brailsford poses for the press after a remarkable run for GB Cycling on the track (Photo courtesy of Phil O’Connor, Cycling Weekly)

“Look, I’ve ticked off all the boxes with cycling, and with my massively successful plan that began as my dream of world cycling domination in 2008 while chain-smoking with my mates behind the old Hacienda in Manchester has been realised,” stated a chain-smoking Brailsford, standing beside a cooking goat rotating over a fire. “I will be honoured to tick off the boxes for the entire athletics programme for the United Kingdom.”

In a year that saw the GB cycling professional program, known in the two-wheeled world as Team Sky, take almost every single race while the Olympic team has taken almost every available cycling medal on and off the track, Brailsford was satisfied.

“I am looking forward to applying my trademarked program, ‘Marginal Gains by David Brailsford’ to the rest of the GB athletics program, starting with women’s beach volleyball,” declared Brailsford.

Officials from BOA refused to comment or speculate on the development, other than to state that it was hard to argue with Brailsford’s success with the cycling program, and with the renewed emphasis on winning medals and luring big ticket sponsors, Brailsford’s presidency was a natural fit.

When asked if he had any grander plans beyond athletics considering his raging success, Brailsford was rather candid.

“I think my ‘Marginal Gains by David Brailsford’ could be the tonic to save us from our economic crisis. I also think it could save Europe, as well as the world. I’m not opposed to considering a run as prime minister for the good of the country,” concluded Brailsford.

Pundits across Great Britain heralded the potential move, including noted cycling journalist Matt Rendell.

“Fabulous is the news. Outstanding developments for England as a country if Brailsford were to take the helm of the BOA, and even the government. I’d back a Brailsford for PM campaign as long as he’d allow me to write the book,” noted Rendell.

Noted French superstar Gregory Bauge was less than enthused when told of the news.

“Brailsford is the bane of my existence. Between those amazing performances which beat my previously unblemished record, and the mystery behind the wheels, I can only imagine what sort of dark arts Brailsford would conjure up if he were granted more power. Next we’ll have Brad Wiggins winning the 100 metres at the 2016 Olympics in Rio, and Sir Chris Hoy winning the marathon,” mused Bauge.

BOA has issued notice of a press conference for the day after the closing ceremonies. No word as of yet to the agenda or the details of the press conference.

Wiggins has certainly enjoyed his red carpet ride around France, courtesy of Froome and the rest of Sky’s serfs (photo courtesy of ITV)

“I’ve always been someone who wishes to move on to new challenges. Now that I’ve conquered my first Tour de France it’s time to attempt a feat that has only been accomplished three times in the history of the Tour. I want to wear yellow from the prologue all the way to the Champs-Elysées next year,” declared Wiggins.

As an avid student of cycling history, Wiggins stumbled upon the legend of Ottavio Bottecchia – the first person to wear the yellow jersey from start to finish as winner of the 1924 Tour – via a conversation with famed Scottish cycling journalist, Richard Moore. Moore was turned on to the story of Bottecchia by Herbie Sykes over an espresso in 2006 during a very animated Giro d’Italia.

“I know that I’ve promised Chris (Froome) that he could have a shot at the Tour in 2013 and that I’d support him, but I think my goals are more important than his. After all, I’m higher on the seniority scale in GB Cycling and I don’t feel I’ve reached my peak yet,” continued Wiggins. “I think I have a chance at equalling a feat only done three times in Tour history, and one that hasn’t been accomplished since 1935.”

Team Sky boss David Brailsford confirmed his support for Wiggins in his plan for 2013.

“Considering that Brad and Fabian were the only two to wear the yellow jersey in the entire 2012 Tour, and the fact that we pretty much intimidated every single team in this race, it is distinctly possible that Brad could wear yellow from start to finish in 2013. No one can match our team strength on any stage on any day,” mused Brailsford.

Eurosport cycling pundit David Harmon concurred with Brailsford.

“Until the rest of the peloton grows a backbone, or Contador stays out of doping troubles, cycling is Wiggins’ domain to plunder as he wishes. He rides on the front for the sprints, and otherwise sits third wheel the entire race. He is a throwback to the great Kings and Queens of England. He truly is the king of cycling, no offense to Mark Cavendish or Sir Chris Hoy,” declared Harmon.

Former Tour de France champion Greg LeMond weighed in with his thoughts.

“Wiggins could lead the race, but only if Team Sky buys Alberto Contador’s and Andy Schleck’s contracts to sit them out of the Tour de France for the rest of their careers, or have them ride the front in support of Wiggins like they forced Froome to do this year. It’s what Hinault did, and also wanted to do to me back in the 80s,” stated LeMond.

When asked about Wiggins’ statement, Chris Froome refused to comment directly.

“We’ll start with the Vuelta and the Olympics, and see what happens from there. Anything is possible for 2013,” said a muted Froome.

Stage 19 is Saturday, which should be the 53.5 km time trial coronation of Wiggins into his role as King of the Tour de France.

Hoy raised the roof of the velodrome after his double golds in the Keirin final and Sprint final. Will he be the next UCI president? (photo courtesy of BBC)

“Nevermind that kid from the Isle of Man, this knight of the realm is the real deal. He is the savior for worldwide cycling. I declare that Sir Chris Hoy will challenge Pat McQuaid for the UCI presidency after his victorious Olympics,” a visibly excited Cookson managed to spit out.

When pressed on the subject, Cookson was open regarding his disdain for the current management of the sport.

“Look, I sit on this ridiculous committee that might as well be 14 stones sitting around a boardroom with the biggest rock McQuaid at the head of the table. Do we get an opinion? Absolutely not. In fact Igor [Makarov, Team Katusha owner] had to buy the European Cycling Federation just to get Pat’s attention. That’s 14 votes that Pat needs to get re-elected. Is that the kind of organization we should have?” ranted Cookson as he continued, “Enough of the cronyism in Aigle. Today, London showed everyone where cycling belongs. In the hands of the fans and the athletes. It has been an amazing two days.”

Sir Hoy was initially taken aback by Cookson’s statements, but after listening to the rant, offered his take.

“I agree with Brian that the sport needs to change. Women in the sport are unhappy, and resorting to name calling. The pro road folks have to traipse across the globe 12 months of the year to race now, and mountain biking is pretty much ignored. If it weren’t for England and the Revolution UK series, track cycling would be dead in the water. Maybe I should give the git a run for his money,” concluded Hoy.

The Olympic Test Event in London was an eye opener for the UCI, however, as UCI president Pat McQuaid spent most of his three days in the Velodrome glad-handing VIPs in the bowels of the stadium, avoiding the crowds, the athletes, and members of the London Olympic Committee. He even ate the entire buffet of sushi, which led to Lionel J. Birnie taking to Twitter to complain. When asked about how he would fare against Hoy in a presidential campaign, McQuaid was candid.

“Looks like his samples may have to make a slight detour. Oopsie,” burbled McQuaid as tipped back another pint of Guinness.

Noted Sir Chris Hoy archivist Nick Hussey, CEO of Vulpine cycling clothing, offered his expert analysis on Hoy’s bid for UCI president, “He’d win by a landslide. I think the federations are finally fed up with that fat prat Pat, and Hoy has the intelligence, the looks, and the charm to turn cycling into the top sport on the planet.  The UCI is about promotion, and who better to promote the sport, give the federations their voice back, and liaise with the roadies? It’s Hoy. No question. I love the man.”

No doubt British cycling fans will be rejoicing at the coming Olympics after Sir Hoy’s dominating performances at the World Track Cup, and as one anonymous fan concluded, “I hope that Hoy follows through to save our sport from that obese corrupt despot.”