Cav turns his back on Team Sky for a contract with Simon Cowell

“Following a difficult year with Team Sky that culminated in frustration at the Tour de France and utter disappointment in London, I have decided to take a break from the sport of cycling to reflect on the future of my life and my professional career,” declared Mark Cavendish at a makeshift conference Sunday night at the British House in the Olympic Village.

With his partner Peta Todd at his side and flanked by a smirking Cowell, Cavendish outlined the offer from the music mogul and X-Factor executive producer.

“Simon has graciously extended an offer to impact the future of music in England. As everyone knows, I’m a huge music lover and I know good vocals when I hear them. Simon also said that I need to think of my career after cycling. Besides my wonderful family, there’s more to life than just winning sprints and setting records on the bike,” commented Cavendish.

Cowell was quick to point out the Manxman’s caché. “Mark is a brilliant young man whose talents were completely and utterly wasted this year at Team Sky. He’s been on my radar since his days with my good friend Bob Stapleton, and I felt now was the best time to pull the trigger on an offer before that guy with the airline got his talons into Team Sky,” chuckled Cowell. “I have almost never been wrong in spotting talent. I think this young lad has a bright future in the industry, and I’m more than willing to take him under my wing.”

When asked what Cavendish’s role would be on the next season of X-Factor, both Cavendish and Cowell were tight-lipped.

“All we’ll say is that I’m looking forward to Mark’s role on the next X-Factor. The viewers on ITV will be in store for a treat, and the British music scene will never been the same,” commented Cowell, adding that the contract was for two years with the option of renewal for both parties.

Cavendish refused to comment on the challenges at Team Sky that culminated with Team Sky principal David Brailsford baiting Cavendish to find a job elsewhere on a team in 2013 after the superstar expressed his disappointments and frustration with his racing schedule and support. Brailsford has been criticized in the British media for “abandoning” Cavendish in favor of a team utterly and completed centered on Tour de France champion Brad Wiggins.

“Look, I like Brad, and I like the team. My problems with Team Sky have nothing to do with my mates. I’ve already accomplished what I set out to achieve in cycling, and it’s time to take a break to see what I can attain off the bike,” concluded Cavendish.

Brailsford was “gobsmacked” by the announcement and rather upset that Cavendish would conduct the press conference “in his house on his turf,” according to anonymous British Team Sky freelance media sources. The Dr. Evil doppelgänger was seen at the Olympic Velodrome moments after the announcement, chain-smoking and yelling loudly at his right and left arms, Shane Sutton and Rod Ellsworth. After several failed attempts, Brailsford finally managed to tip over two stands of GB cycling equipment in anger and then stormed off, refusing to comment.

Episode 9 of X-Factor begins next month, with the most anticipated season launch to date.  Stay tuned to the X-Factor website and cyclismas.com for future details on the Cavendish X-Factor experience.

Brad Wiggins sits down with Eurosport’s Anthony Gibb to discuss matters unrelated to his Belgian birth

In documents obtained by cyclismas.com, it appears the Belgian Federation filed their protest after repeated attempts by GB Cycling to woo Tom Boonen and Philippe Gilbert into the fold in an attempt to repeat their success with Bradley Wiggins.

“It is a well known fact that Bradley Wiggins was born in Ghent. Are we disappointed in the fact we missed the boat on his road cycling ability? Yes. Should that one fact prevent us from having Brad line up for our side at the Olympics and beyond? No. If it wasn’t for his birth in Belgium, Wiggins would not have amounted to the superstar he is today,” stated the press release from the Belgian Federation.

Wiggins refused to comment on the situation, as he was busy deciding on the next Paul Weller look he was going to adopt for the Tour de France, but his coach, Shane Sutton, was happy to speak for Wiggins by cutting out the middleman for the press.

“Look, we’ve engineered Brad to be the perfect English lad. He’s got the strange musical tastes, the moodiness, the bizarre haircuts, the bad fashion sense, and above all, the tacky Twitter commentary. Just because the poor sod happened to be born in Ghent doesn’t mean those Belgian bastards can get their grubby hands on him. Our doctors have taken painful steps for him to be the perfect expression of Engerlishness,” commented Sutton.

Team Sky boss David Brailsford also weighed in with his opinion.

“Fuck the Belgian pricks. He’s mine. Look, I gave in to Wiggs and hired that Aussie git just to make ‘is mum happy. And I allow the bugger time with ‘is family to keep ‘is lovely wife happy. Belgians? Go back to frites and mayo, you f**kers,” intoned Brailsford.

Every single member of the British cycling press refused to offer any comments at all to the reports out of Belgium, and in fact refused to acknowledge they existed at all. However, Irish pundit Sean Kelly was willing to give his two cents.

“Who cares? We know he isn’t going to win the Tour or any Olympic medals. Doesn’t matter what nation he is from,” declared the Irish champion.

UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani refused to speculate on the matter, simply stating that the paperwork had been received, but shunning further talk on the motion by the Belgian Cycling Federation.

However, UCI president Pat McQuaid was only too happy to offer his commentary.

“Not sure why anyone would want the lanky lad. Everyone knows if he wins the Tour, he’s going to retire and tell everyone to sod off. I’ll wait to see the final paperwork ‘deposits’ next week before our organisation will determine which country he should ride for. Thank goodness he has no Irish roots is all I have to say,” concluded McQuaid.

Cyclismas.com will monitor the situation closely for the UCI’s final decision.