Team Sky DS Sean Yates poses with Philou Maire, the alleged Motoman of Nice.

“We understand there were photos showing Sean Yates and one of our team vehicles in front of the bike shop owned by Philou Maire, as revealed on Facebook. Based upon this information, we are conducting an internal investigation to determine if our organisation has an exposure in this business,” stated Brailsford at a press conference outside a Limburg cheese factory.

Questions arise from the apparent relationship between Team Sky and the “Motoman of Nice.”

“Those photos have subsequently been removed, we’re not sure by whom, but we’ll continue to ensure that our team is 100% clean as defined by legal parameters contained in the WADA code, including ensuring our biological passports don’t look significantly strange,” continued Brailsford.

The Team Sky Dr. Evil doppelganger went on to echo sentiments laid out by other team managers, including, Bjarne Riis of Saxobank-Tinkoff. The marginal gains mastermind also commented on how difficult it is to operate a team in cycling without having some sort of connections to “past doping infractions.”

“Look, we’ve instituted a rule that says only one of our support staff can have dubious connections to potentially dubious characters who may or may not have supplied some sort of doping products in the past. Now we have two that I’m aware of, which is why we’re doing this investigation,” stated Brailsford.

Yates and the “Motoman of Nice” out on a casual ride together

When asked why he hired Leinders after it was revealed in the Dutch press prior to his hire that Leinders had iffy connections from the Rabobank days, Brailsford offered his appraisal of that particular situation.

“He had a great CV. Good experience in cycling. And the allegations were printed in the Dutch press. Since they weren’t written in English, they didn’t count at the time,” concluded Brailsford.

Brailsford refused to give any details on the internal investigation, or when it would take place, or if the results would be made public. Brailsford stated this was keeping within the operational guidelines of the sport as set out by the UCI.

Both Leinders and Yates refused any public comments on their respective situations. Yates refused to confirm or deny any sort of relationship with Maire, and refused to comment on any of the photos that depicted Yates and Maire on rides together and team vehicles parked in front of Maire’s shop.

One pundit who attended the press conference and wished to remain anonymous felt the statements by Brailsford were “smellier than the Limburger cheese factory where the press conference was held.”

No word on if, when, or how this apparent investigation will unfold or conclude.

The "Greens" emerged victorious in their first skirmish with the "Blues" (photo courtesy Getty Images)

The hotel occupied by Team Sky was found riddled with bullet holes following a verbal assault launched at GreenEDGE director Matt White by Sky Directeur Sportif Sean Yates. Yates had made derogatory comments about the fitness of GreenEDGE riders at the TDU, comments decisively answered when GreenEDGE superstar Simon Gerrans won the race over his Sky rivals.

White fired back in the press, but it would seem that the GreenEDGE team took a page from the book of the “Bloods” street gang and performed a drive-by shooting of the Team Sky hotel. Eyewitness accounts from those wishing to remain anonymous noted that the distinctive colors of the GreenEDGE Subarus were seen speeding away from the hotel, their speakers blaring the distinctive Cypress Hill anthem “Insane in the Brain.”

Yates offered comments via phone to Cyclismas while surveying the damage. The song “Sweat” by noted former “Crip” gang member, Snoop Dogg, was audibly heard in the background.

“We’re disappointed that certain folks made the decision to escalate the rivalry. We’ll happily meet fire with fire, and I wouldn’t want any innocent bystanders at the wrong place at the wrong time during the race season. We’re taking over this Commonwealth territory. We have a world champ at the moment, but that was yesterday. We’ll see what they come up with after we lay the smack down later today,” commented a cryptic Yates.

It was reported prior to press time that the GreenEDGE bus had been painted blue, and their distinctive Scott bike frames were hanging from the power lines close to team headquarters.

White refused to comment on the additional developments but flashed several gang signs via the Skype video chat, and posted “This is f***ing war, bitches,” on his Twitter profile.

Noted gang historian Rupert Guinness offered analysis of the situation, “This is a classic case of what happens when there’s a dwindling doctor and pharmaceutical supply. Recent events in Russia and China mean that these two organizations will continue to fight for dominance in order to secure their conduit for performance enhancement. Let’s hope that innocent fans across the globe do not get caught up in this.”

UCI president Pat “Dick” McQuaid speculated on the impact of this war on the WorldTour.

“Let’s hope that this stays between the Blues and the Greens. We wouldn’t want this to spill over into the Chicanos or the Triads. We could see a global war ignite if we don’t do our job to contain this potentially devastating battle,” concluded McQuaid.

The Blues and the Greens will renew their rivalry on the bikes during the Tour of Qatar.