To win a Grand Tour at any stage in a career is a wonderful achievement. It is usually the culmination of years of hard work, commitment and sacrifice. Grand Tour winners are usually moulded and shaped by the experience of leading a team and winning smaller races over the course of a number of seasons. The rider’s team-mates must trust that their work will not be for nothing, that they can believe that their leader has what it takes to deliver.

Eventually, when the rider is physically and mentally mature enough and has earned the trust and respect of his team, he may be capable of tackling and conquering one of the sport’s three biggest races.

So to win a Grand Tour having never before won a stage race is highly unusual. But in May 2012, Ryder Hesjedal achieved just this.

Ryder Hesjedal, the first Canadian to win a Grand Tour

The decision by Jonathan Vaughters and the rest of the Garmin team to elect and get behind Hesjedal as team leader for the 2012 Giro d’Italia and to back this belief up with the delivery of overall victory is remarkable.

In an interview in a recent issue of Cycle Sport magazine, Hesjedal spoke about a meeting he had with team management in November 2011 where they explicitly asked him to focus on winning the Giro the following year:

That’s all I could think about from a couple of days after that meeting until winning the race. I think that’s pretty bad-ass actually – I didn’t win the Giro by chance. I set out to; it was my goal in November. That’s pretty special in sport.

It was the first winter that I’d worked for goals coming up in the next season.

 

Hesjedal’s palmarés can testify to that, certainly in terms of stage racing. He had a list of solid but not spectacular results, the highlight of which was sixth place overall at the 2010 Tour de France. But having the ability to win the second biggest stage race in the world? On paper, Hesjedal was still lacking.

He had never before won a stage race, he had never before finished on the podium of a stage race and he had never before worn the leader’s jersey in a stage race. This is why the confidence that his Garmin-Sharp team placed in him last year was risky but exceptional. What is even more unusual is they placed this confidence in a rider who is certainly not ‘one for the future’.

The last rider before Hesjedal to win the Giro d’Italia having never before won a stage race was Franco Balmamion in 1962[ref]Ivan Gotti did not win a professional stage race before his first Giro d’Italia victory in 1997. However he did win two editions of the Giro della Valle d’Aosta prior to this.[/ref].

Franco Balmamion – The Eagle of the Canavese

Balmamion defended his Giro crown the following year, and and amazingly, these were his only two stage race victories in a career which spanned 12 years. He won both races without winning

a stage and he remains the last Italian rider to win back to back editions of the Giro d’Italia. But when Balmamion won his first Giro crown 50 years ago he was 22 years old, Hesjedal won his when he was 31.

In the intervening years between the maiden victories of Balmamion and Hesjedal, of the other two Grand Tours, there have been 12 riders who have won either the Tour or the Vuelta having never before won a stage race. It has actually occurred three times in very recent times at the Tour with Carlos Sastre in 2008 and the two inherited wins of Andy Schleck and Oscar Pereiro. Prior to this at the Tour, there were also Frenchmen Lucien Aimar and Roger Pingeon in the mid-sixties.

Ferdi Bracke – The oldest rider in the last 50 years to win a Grand Tour as his first ever stage race victory.

Unsurprisingly, it is the Vuelta which has had the most stage race winning virgins take home the main prize including the likes of Roberto Heras, Marco Giovannetti and Alvaro Pino.

Two things are notable when comparing Ryder Hesjedal to the others who have achieved the same feat in the past 50 years. The first is that the Canadian is older than all of them were when they won their Grand Tour, apart from Ferdinand Bracke who was six months older when he won the 1971 Vuelta.

The second item of note is that every one of the other riders had competition for team leadership. For instance, Sastre was contending with the Schleck brothers at Team CSC in 2008. Andy Schleck himself was sharing leadership duties with brother Frank in 2010. Pereiro started the 2006 Tour at Movistar with Alejandro Valverde as leader. Giovannetti had Pino, Pino had Francisco Rodriguez, Jose Manuel Fuente had Miguel Maria Lasa.

It is perhaps unprecedented that a cyclist of Ryder Hesjedal’s age was trusted with sole leadership and the full backing of a team for a Grand Tour, having never before proven himself a winner in stage races, and paid back that trust with an overall win.

Ford on a mission to take on his next foe, Ryder Hesjedal (photo courtesy Canadian Press/Chris Young)

Ford held a press conference on the steps of Ontario Superior Court – flanked by hundreds of face-painted supporters wearing hockey jerseys – mere moments after he received word that a defamation lawsuit launched against him in 2010 was thrown out of court.

“I am absolutely ashamed of the press in this country for acknowledging this guy who runs around in lycra, racing on bikes that clog up my city’s traffic. This is a direct result of the liberalization of the press, and part of a wider campaign by NHL team owners to discredit our great nation of Canada. Bike riding is for three-year-olds in cul-de-sacs, not for grown men who should be playing football or hockey,” commented Ford.

Ford has launched a new website, saynotolycra.ca, to campaign for the removal of Hesjedal as the Lionel Conacher Male Athlete of the Year, and has assembled a legal team to explore filing another one of his famous lawsuits against the “perpetrators of Canadian defamation.”

“Look, we need to stamp out the disease of bicycles quickly, or pretty soon we won’t be able to drive our cars as fast and as recklessly as we do now. Bike paths? Also for those three-year-olds I mentioned moments ago. This whole bicycle racing movement is un-Canadian, and is bad for Torontonians. I will meet this challenge as I’ve met every other challenge, head-on with lots of yelling,” stated Ford.

Ford is currently battling his removal from office, as he violated the Municipal Conflict of Interest Act, and is waging a war to remain in office, eerily reminiscent of Lance Armstrong’s legal wranglings to fight USADA over jurisdiction. When asked if his newest campaign to remove Hesjedal as Canadian Athlete of the Year was at the behest of automobile lobbyists, Ford was succinct.

“So? What’s the problem with that? So I like automobiles and I hate bikes. I’m the mayor. I make the decisions. Too bad for everyone else,” stated Ford.

Representatives of Hesjedal were quick to respond to the Ford action.

“It’s typical of someone with marginal authority in the center of the Canadian universe to think they can determine what’s best for millions of people, when in fact they’re only protecting their own selfish interests. Seems to be quite a bit of that going around in Canada. Must be why Ryder chooses to hang out with us in Maui,” commented official Hesjedal spokesperson “Shirtless” Laird Hamilton.

Canadian sports pundits were mixed on the move by Ford.

“Ford seems to forget a figure skater was the top male athlete last year, and they sometimes wear lycra. Really, I just think Ford’s upset because the Leafs are on strike, and he couldn’t gloat over the Argonaut Grey Cup victory because he was dealing with being removed from office. I’m quite pleased Hesjedal is the top male athlete. He’s been through some hard times at the hands of Canadian cycling politicos. Go Eskimos!” commented former professional cyclist Alex Stieda.

Ford fanboy Don Cherry was less supportive of Hesjedal.

“Cyclists are pansies. Make the Tour a full contact sport with riders being bodychecked into those traffic islands and then they’ll be deserving winners. I’m more interested in watching Barry Melrose talking about the hockey strike than paying attention to that sport,” commented Cherry.

Ford’s next moves on the Hesjedal front won’t be coming until after January 7th, when he’ll know if he is officially removed from office as mayor of Toronto.

Ryder in his early days, conquering mountain passes for Subaru/Gary Fisher. (photo courtesy of Vancouver Sun)

However, the celebration was marred by the realization of many key Canadians that their hero hasn’t lived in the country for a number of years. In fact, Ryder Hesjedal splits time between Maui, Hawaii in the off-season and Girona, Spain during the racing season.  The Canadian press was slow to react to this information, as many made the assumption that he still lived in Victoria, B.C. This information did not escape the scrutiny of the Canadian prime minister’s office, which monitors all prominent Canadians and their potential threat to national security.

“We are thrilled to have a Canadian-born winner of one of the three major Grand Tours, and we’re hoping to see Mr. Hesjedal repeat his efforts for a Tour de France win, and also a Tour de Spain win,” commented the prime minister’s office.

“I would like to welcome Ryder back to my country  as a conquering hero and hope he would consider moving back home to further his success on the world stage. We are willing to provide him with corporate tax relief, and a nice summer home in Muskoka as a generous gift by Tony Clement on behalf of the Harper Government/Conservative Party of Canada,” declared a magnanimous Stephen Harper via his PMO office underlings.

Owen Wilson, part of Ryder Hesjedal’s “Maui Posse,” offered his thoughts on the offer from the Canadian prime minister/dictator for life.

“Hey, you know, it’s great and all, but Ryder’s just not that style of dude. We have a chill existence here in Maui, and like, cars and stuff really don’t cramp our style. The water’s cold up there in Canada, and wet suits aren’t good for the environment. We’re at one with the world here. And he’s such an ambassador for our surfer way,” philosophized Wilson.

Canadian cycling pundit Bob McKenzie of extremecanadiancycling.com was surprised by the offer.

“Considering that the mayors of all the large Canadian cities want to run over cyclists since according to them they don’t belong on the road, I’m very surprised by the offer. Harper must be worried about public opinion finally turning against him. I mean, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford basically wants to put all cyclists in jail for just owning a bike,” commented McKenzie.

Former Canadian professional cyclist Brian Walton also chimed in with his thoughts on the offer.

“You have to realize that Canada Cycling pretty much ignored Ryder for the first 5 years of his career, so I think the offer from Harper is a nice gesture. I doubt that Ryder will take him up on it, though. He likes going home for a few weeks and then getting out of town,” stated Walton

Canadian Cycling official Gord Fraser was unavailable for comment.

Hesjedal will be taking some time off before heading to France to help his Garmin-Barracuda teammate Tom Danielson in his bid for Grand Tour glory.

A disturbed David MacKenzie witnesses the nonchalant pick and wipe from Giro contender Ryder Hesjedal (video courtesy of SBS Cycling Central)

“I just don’t understand why we haven’t been able to drop him. I mean, he has no personal panache, no excitement, no verve. I mean, has anyone checked to see if he’s actually human?” asked a perplexed Purito while simultaneously entertaining three podium girls, flirting with a journalist, and texting his significant other.

Basso paused long enough from his campaign to become Italy’s first blueberry-farming prime minister to ponder the question of Hesjedal.

“His rhythmic heavy breathing is eerily reminiscent of Lance. And he spins on the trainer after races like Wiggins.  He is emulating these two champions in a bizarre hybrid homage that could unnerve me enough on Stelvio to give him the Giro,” mused Basso.

Rodriguez can't understand why Hesjedal isn't enjoying the Giro experience as much as he is.

Pundits have been perplexed if not puzzled by the Ryder question. Many in the North American press have derided or ignored Hejedal as a Grand Tour contender completely. A notable exception is Joe Lindsey of Bicycling Magazine, who trumped out his “Ryder card” on Thursday in his fawning Giro blog, much as he did in 2010 when the Canadian was closing in on a potential Tour de France win during that campaign.

When asked why journalists had trouble with the GC contender and putting  articles together extolling his virtures, SBS reporter David McKenzie offered his opinion.

“Frankly he really doesn’t give us much to write about. It’s worse than interviewing Wiggins. Trying to crack his dour manner is as bad as watching a Pinter play performed by Stephen Fry. Plus, he’s a nose picker,” commented McKenzie, highlighting the now-viral screen capture of Ryder nonchalantly mining his left nostril before examining and discarding the nugget while discussing Thursday’s stage with the reporter.

Garmin-Barracuda team boss Jonathan Vaughters did not return our phone calls for comment. Well-placed sources within the team commented that Vaughters refused to alter his routine, fearful of jinxing Hesjedal’s potential win. This adherence to ritual included a halt on clothing changes, a hiatus from phone calls with the press, a suspension on shaving, and a daily live chicken sacrifice on his kitchen island.

Hesjedal, when asked what preparations he was going to invoke for Friday’s stage up the famous Alpe di Pampeago, made famous by hallowed greats such as Marco Pantani, was his typical mono-emotional self.

“I might have a couple sips of coffee.  Maybe read an article in Architectural Digest. Sit on the balcony and listen to the wind. Maybe look at my knee for an hour or two. Say a quick “hullo” to the missus, not much,” stated a flat Hesjedal.

The Giro d’Italia concludes Sunday in Milan.

This is my throne. This is my sport.

All the efforts, all the planning, all the crumbs for the dirty little masses to fight over, culminating in one life-changing event that occurred this past Sunday when I was a VIP guest – the grand poobah of cycling, the ultimate authority of everything two-wheeled – at the Olympic Test Event won by the home side.

I was booed.

Booed. Repeatedly.

But that wasn’t what shook me to the core. No, it was the fact that one of the little urchins scuffed my favourite pair of Hugo Boss black leather loafers. The 20-something punter had obviously had one too many pints of some cheap, sleazy lager and chose to “accidentally” back into me, and with the heel of his filthy Adidas hightops scuffed a large white mark across the side of MY loafer. Fooking twat.

It is events like this that make me blood boil red hot red. Red. Hot. Blood. It’s part of my motivation to close the circuits and eliminate these ridiculous drunken arseholes from the equation. This also led me to make my decision to head across the puddle and take in the USA-Pro-Cycling-Challenge-in-spite-of-the-fact-that-it-really-isn’t-a-challenge-and-has-even-less-to-do-with-the-entire-country-but-we-had-nothing-else-to-name-it-race for a little R&R before I have to deal with the unwashed masses again in Spain for that Vuelta business.

You see, the Americans really have the formula correct. Sure, they spend so much fooking time in their cars and really just think of bicycles like they think of that Frogger game that my oldest boy used to play back in the day – bicycles and riders are for squishing, bumping and rubbing, and ridiculing. However, they are brilliant at marketing a truly NOTHING event into the greatest thing since sliced bread.  They also recognize that it is important to separate the commoners from the millionaire money-grubbing elite that have lunched on the 300 or so million poor souls in that country since around 1981. However that’s politics, and I really don’t give two shites (or three) about that.

Take, for instance, the tripe that they blew on this very fancy and spectacular website which they probably paid way too much for:

The #1 Most Influential Athlete? Really?

“128 of the Gutsiest Riders.” “The #1 Most Influential Athlete.” “The most demanding race on American Soil.”  Testimonials from Ryder Hesjedal and George Hincapie. I’m waiting for the stereotypical used car salesperson to come out and do the hard sell on me.  After looking at this blatant attempt to try to sway the general public by basically saying “Like me! Really! Please! Like me! I had to buy my friends to put on this show!” This isn’t the best way to try to capture the imagination of the hardcore cycling fan, who really doesn’t have time to even attend the race, since according to the ever knowledgeable Chris Carmichael and TrainRight, the American yuppie/semi-professional athlete is too time crunched to train and is forced to do yoga and workouts in their hotel room in order to gain a chance to dominate that next Category 5 race that they pulled up to in their Audi A6, while riding on the latest $10,000 Pinarello Dogma.

No, the reason why I made the decision to check out this ridiculous race that will probably die a slow and painful death between October of this year and January of next year, was my lovely assistant, Bhon Mhat, showing me their foresight to take care of “uber riche” individuals like me. It’s a lovely acronym. Fooking brilliant little play on their part.

VIP.

Oh yes, you can entertain your business associates in private rooms, and mingle with the stars of the event at the event and enjoy a complimentary continental breakfast with juice and coffee for your thousands of dollars you just shelled out for an exclusive experience. That was a bonus for me. No more cruddy little nose pickers hanging around unattended and touching their heroes like we do in Europe. No sir, only the exclusives get to socialize with cycling’s elite.

Ah, the Thug Life of the Elite.

No more punters scuffing my Hugo Boss Loafers.

Needless to say, I’m quite excited about heading over to the wrong side of the pond. In fact, I feel so safe attending this cute little six-stage romp in Colorado, I plan on pulling my Ferragamo Derbys out. That’ll make Bhon’s day; he hates having to polish the damn buckles, but I have to have the silver parts shiny and sparkly.

Do I care who wins? Not really. Maybe I’ll even stop by and see what Aspen’s finest eating establishments have to offer, rather than ride the stupid bike that USA Cycling has “built” to my specifications. Whatever. For those of you with short attention spans, and who lack of depth in your cranial capacity, you can now move onto your gossipy tabloids or return to your ridiculous twatter about how tight Tom Danielson’s bottom looks in his PRPS jeans.

Right.

Our media experts say that market research shows we need to include a JV photo... *eyeroll*

According to “market research” done by the “wonderful” pinheads at this website locale, apparently the feedback has been that once I approach 1000 words the vast majority of you fall asleep. The other part is that sometimes my diatribes are so in-depth, and so mind bogglingly complex that your simple brains can’t comprehend exactly what the hell I’m getting at. So here’s some Cliff Notes for you stupid gits who can’t seem to get out of your own way long enough to figure out the plot. Alright then, let’s summarize the finer points from the past few weeks:

• Global Cycling Promotion SA is a company that was founded using UCI money in order to directly profit five individuals who are associated with the UCI, including yours truly.
• Global Cycling Promotions will receive direct profits from the Tour of Beijing, as they are the umbrella organization that is in charge of this event.
• Alan Rushton, one of my close associates, has been hired to provide technical support for the Tour of Beijing.
• Gerard Vroomen (he founded Cervélo) was correct in his assessment that Biological Passport test numbers are significantly down in 2010 and also in 2011.
• There is a disparity between which teams are tested, and how frequently they are tested.
• Some riders have significant gaps in between their tests (some riders have had six months between tests)
• Riders are not told if they are being tested for the Biological Passport Programme or if they are being subjected to a random test.
• Teams were supposed to receive the biological passport results every quarter according to Anne Gripper, but according to four separate teams, they only receive them once a year.

There’s your short recap of the last two Dispatches you twats. Now I can get those damned editorial people off my back. For those of you outside Europe (or located in the United States), you have now exceeded your attention span limit. Go stuff your faces with some Twinkies.

So, an actually important race starts this Saturday for the rest of the world outside of the United States. We know that Catherine Wiggins’ husband has spent oodles of time preparing for this event, after his disastrous turn at the Tour de France. In fact, Catherine was complaining on twitter earlier this week about how her husband’s preparation would fuse the electrics in the main house (for those of you curious, there has been a restraining order issued by the authorities on behalf of Catherine Wiggins’ husband. I am no longer allowed to directly reference him in my Dispatches under threat of imprisonment or a light slap on the wrist with a silk handkerchief).

Heat Chamber preparation?

His preparation? A heat chamber. Yes, in order to deal more effectively with that sultry Spanish weather, the ever-industrious husband of Catherine Wiggins constructed a Temperature Acclimation Chamber to prevent the lowering of his socks at any point during the race.

In fact, neighbours state that they were concerned when he started to wheelbarrow mud, sand, and lumber into the TAC, and began working around the clock, building some sort of scale model of something.

Angliru.

In a scene straight out of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Catherine Wiggins’ husband, whilst listening to a steady stream of Oasis (driving any sane human mad), constructed a scale model of Angliru right there in his glorious TAC.

After two weeks and numerous neighbourhood complaints, Mr. Catherine Wiggins strolled out of the TAC, tranquillo.

Greg Henderson, brought in to survey the situation after many desparate phone calls from the queen of the manor, met his team leader in the back yard.

They paused.

Their eyes locked.

No one moved for several minutes. You could hear a bottle cage hex nut hit the grass it was so quiet.

Catherine Wiggins’ husband finally spoke. “I will win on Angliru.” He walked around Henderson, touched him briefly on the shoulder, and went to the corner pub for a pint.

Mr. Catherine Wiggins crafting his Angliru.

Henderson walked into the shed, and after being overwhelmed initially by the darkness, the smell, and the whirring sound of the heating apparatus, he focused on the architecturally scaled, authentic reproduction of the hallowed mountain. And on top, was a single solitary rouleur figure, arms aloft, painted intricately in Sky team colours. Yes, Mr. Catherine Wiggins is going to win the Vuelta.

Now, Bhon, story time is done. I’ve wrapped up the Vuelta Dispatch, have my notes for the Hotstove, and I’m ready for bed. Have you finished packing my suitcases for the puddle jump?  Yes, yes, I know you think that four bags is excessive for a few days, but the last thing I want to do is show up to VIP tent only to find that Kevin Costner is wearing the same blazer that I am.