“After careful consideration, we have decided to ask Becca’s strange creation to stay home for this year’s Tour de France. We are doing this to protect the good name of the ASO and the reputation of our hallowed race,” declared a muted Prudhomme.

Prudhomme (2nd from left) during Schleck's 2010 Jersey presentation. Prudhomme refused to appear on stage with Johan Bruyneel (photo courtesy RadioShack-Nissan

Prudhomme prepared a power point presentation highlighting the marketing challenges the team has presented in 2012:

• A dearth of a clear management structure for the first half of the season
• Steadfast refusal to participate in 2.1 races in 2012
• Failure to protect Andy and Fränk Schleck from harm
• Airing out team dirty laundry in the press
• Failure to protect Fabian Cancellara from harm
• Withholding Jakob Fuglsang from Grand Tour participation
• Creating a PR disaster by changing the Chris Horner story four times
• Withholding Andy Schleck from the Tour
• Failure to keep team minions in line with their public comments in reference to fellow teammates
• Failure to divulge details of Johan Bruyneel’s May disappearance
• Failure to divulge Johan Bruyneel’s involvement with USADA investigation
• Allowing Alain Gallopin obvious familial nepotism
• Ejecting Kim Andersen from active management duty
• Failure to divulge team doctor involvement in alleged organized doping schemes
• Failure to pay salaries to team members and support staff
• Failure to represent sponsors in an agreed-upon manner
• General mistreatment of the cycling fan base

Prudhomme suggested these reasons were just the tip of the iceberg.

“Frankly, many of these reasons could eject any team from the tour. The straw that broke our back, however, was the refusal of team owner Flavio Becca to help fund our foray into Middle Eastern construction projects. This Becca character squeaks when he walks, and frankly, doesn’t live up to his obligations as a partner with the ASO,” commented a frustrated Prudhomme.

When asked if the dodgy associations, the pending charges against Bruyneel, and allegations involving key support staff gave him a moment’s pause, Prudhomme continued rather candidly, “No, no, no. Bruyneel has been a ‘yes’ man for us for years. He’s like shit passing through a Christmas goose. Whatever we asked, he made sure everyone participated. He’s a great facilitor if the price is right.”

RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-Leopard-Mercedes-CSE-JohnBruyneelManagementCo-Livestrong representatives were typically unallowed to comment on the ejection of the team from the 2012 Tour de France.

Team owner Flavio Becca was also unavailable for comment as he was attempting to extort land out of the Luxembourg government for an American-style Waterpark/Shopping Center/Used Car SuperMall in the outskirts of Niederanven.

The ASO does not plan to replace the team’s spot for the tour, despite Team NetApp’s application via wire transfer.

Andy crosses the Line in Stage 1 of the Dauphiné after having a long chat with Alexander Vinokourov (photo courtesy of Pascal Pavani/Getty Images)

“I’m not allowed to have my ponies. I’m not allowed to have my fishing trips. I’m not allowed to race with my brother. I’m not allowed to eat my traditional breakfast that Kim Andersen used to prepare for me daily. I’m not allowed to even see Kim Andersen. The final straw was denying me my favorite Sesame Street band-aids for my boo-boos. I have had enough. I refuse to ride at tempo or compete for stage wins until all the programs that this oppressive regime has cut are reinstated,” declared a pouting Schleck as he crossed the line 1:46 behind the leaders in the Critèrium du Dauphiné today.

Team management consultant Johan Bruyneel was incensed by Schleck’s continued obstinance.

“He isn’t supposed to think. He isn’t supposed to speak to the press about anything unless I say so. He’s supposed to accept my demands, meet my expectations, and do what he is told. He has no say in his affairs. He is merely a cog in the Bruyneel machine, which has the sole purpose of promoting my exploits, nothing more. Winning is all. We must win at all costs. Winning solves everything! Win! Win! Win! Win!” stated a very animated soon-to-be-two-time-Tour-de-France-winning manager.

Billionaire playboy Flavio Becca was surprised at the turn of the events in the RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-Leopard-Luxembourgish-Capital-Sports-and-Entertainment-Johan-Bruyneel-Management-Company regime.

“I have never seen anyone so unwilling to compromise their principles for the millions I’m throwing at Andy Schleck. I’m surprised that there is anyone with morals and ethics these days. Now you must excuse me, I’m off to continue my plan to turn Belgian and Luxembourgish farmlands into American-style über-malls,” commented a matter-of-fact Becca.

The explanation for the defiantly obstreperous younger Schleck has its roots in European social politics. It seems that Andy Schleck has fallen under the strong pull of Greek Syriza party leader Alexis Tsipras, whose anti-austerity message has begun to sway power away from corporate cartels and back to the workers who create the profit for government multi-national corporate entities. Schleck has been seen on the phone, and well-placed sources in the RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-Leopard-Luxembourgish-Capital-Sports-and-Entertainment-Johan-Bruyneel-Managment-Company regime camp have confirmed Schleck has been conferencing with brother Frank and Tsipras. Their goal is rumored to be gaining more personal freedom and getting out of the oppressive Becca/Bruyneel mini-hydra.

“I cannot confirm nor deny any conversations with any professional cyclists of any nature. I will say, however, that those in the professional cycle sport are representative of the plight of all people on our planet. They receive a small pittance of compensation for the hard work they perform year in and year out. While wages have increased, the real profit and direction still lies in the unwielding control of the sport governing bodies, the teams, and the corporate sponsors. Something has to change!” declared Tsipras via phone.

Schleck refused any comments to the press after the stage, citing “discomfort and injuries” as the challenges to his Dauphiné. Reports indicate Bruyneel has been ingesting massive quantities of oxygen at a secret facility to cope with the heretofore unseen stress levels now present in his career.

Stage three of the Dauphiné continues on Wednesday.

Andy and Frank ignore Johan, looking for Kim

According to anonymous sources, Becca was heard discussing the “complete and total ineptitude of the chunky chin-dimpled charlatan” who promised him a top team finish in the World Tour capped off with a Tour de France victory.

The fashionable Karimova was seen giving pointers to Becca on how to deal with “servants who won’t listen,” advice which, according to those same anonymous sources, gave Becca an ear-to-ear grin. The Uzbekistani first daughter was in Luxembourg pitching her line of clothing, her new album, and also celebrating her recent request to be the official Uzbekistan representative to the United Kingdom. It has been rumored that Becca is collaborating with Itera’s Igor Makarov on several construction projects in the emerging oil nation, and the appearance at the event would confirm there are discussions in the works.

When asked directly about the Bruyneel situation, Becca was forthcoming on details.

“I’m tired of the excuses from the Johan. He has been blaming Kim Andersen for all the troubles to start the season, so I have removed Kim from the Tour de France and told Johan he has to sit in the car and personally oversee the Andy victory I’ve been promised,” commented Becca.

Becca also offered answers to questions on the lacklustre start to the RadioShack-Nissan season, where the team has enjoyed only two victories, whereas at the same time last year under former team manager Brian Nygaard, they had nine to their credit.

“As long as there is victory at the Tour, I will be somewhat serene with the fact there is less wins this year,” adding, “…but that doesn’t stop me from calling Johan at least 15 times a day wanting explanations on why we’ve lost at almost every single race. I have mellowed slightly this year, though. Last year I called Brian at least 17 times a day, and also demanded a report of where he was at the time, what he ate, and a daily update on team expenditures in detail via written report and oral conference call.”

When asked if a loss at the Tour would spell the end of the relationship with Bruyneel, Becca confirmed there were negotiations with other cycling experts.

“Considering Riis‘ situation with SaxoBank at the moment, I have reached out to Bjarne to see if he’d like to join our fold. The poor man is in a similar situation to Johan’s last year. Hopefully I’ll be able to negotiate a better deal with Bjarne as he is someone who has a proven track record to create winners from multiple athletes, rather than just one,” concluded Becca.

Becca is heading to Liège-Bastogne-Liège to directly oversee the team, and to negotiate with UCI president Pat McQuaid on relaxing the WorldTour rules in order to allow Bruyneel the ability to ride in the team cars at the Tour de France, in spite of the fact Bruyneel is not listed anywhere on the team paperwork and current rules thus prohibit his direct participation.

No.

That’s the simple answer, but the actual answer is a longer one. You see, the RadioShack-Nissan team isn’t the same RadioShack team that the U.S. fans rooted for last year, not even close. Last year, RadioShack announced a “merger” with Leopard that was less “merger” and more a saving face for the once mighty RadioShack roster. Why saving face? Let’s start the journey of discovery in the bowels of the RadioShack corporation itself.

Who holds the licence for the big three? (Photo: RadioShack-Nissan)

Lee Applbaum was the Executive Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer for RadioShack Corporation. Applbaum became enamored with cycling, and was starstruck with the personality that is Lance Armstrong. When Applbaum was approached with the sponsorship proposal by Capital Sports and Entertainment (owned by Bart Knaggs, Lance Armstrong, and Bill Stapleton), Applbaum was thrilled to have the opportunity to be affiliated with not only Lance, but also the Livestrong brand. He approved the deal in 2009, and my sources say that the original deal was for one year with an option for three more. In 2010, based on the success of the first year, it was “renewed” for another three years, and in fact, Johan Bruyneel confirmed that the sponsorship deal was secure until the end of 2013.

However, all was not rosy in the land of “The Shack.” Two members of the board of directors, who will remain anonymous, confirmed to me that the electronics retailer was not impressed with the marketing deal signed by Applbaum. Additionally, both board members allege that based upon the dollars involved, said deal should have been ratified by the board prior to Applbaum’s agreement to the terms of the deal. The majority of the board were allegedly rather disillusioned with the job Applbaum was performing, and he was under the microscope since his approval of the Armstrong marketing deal. Company performance and marketing expenditures were also carefully scrutinized, and word was last July that the sponsorship deal was in jeopardy, and so was the team.

It was rather convenient that Bruyneel and Flavio Becca met with Trek last summer to talk merger. Bruyneel is a very savvy opportunist, and putting his “management ability” together with the top talent of both teams – plus the sponsorship dollars that Bruyneel’s CSE had put together – was an opportunity that Becca couldn’t pass up.

However there was one small snag. According to sources, the RadioShack board was unwilling to sponsor the Leopard Trek team. In fact, the whole mess caused by Armstrong and agreed to by Applbaum ultimately cost Applbaum his job at RadioShack when he was shown the door a few weeks ago. It seems that those powerful forces on the board who were unhappy about the sponsorship deal finally forced Applbaum out. However, I digress.

RadioShack, the corporation, was looking for ways to exit the sponsorship deal. The demise of CSE’s RadioShack-sponsored team would be such a platform as to allow them to exit an arrangement that they wished their at-the-time executive vice-president hadn’t signed. After much negotiating between all parties, RadioShack agreed to continue to pay and make good on the agreement signed with CSE for sponsorship of a cycling team, but refused to rewrite the sponsorship deal. CSE was forced to sign a contract with Leopard in order to transfer the sponsorship. Think of it as a third-party assignment of a sponsorship agreement.

What does that mean? It means making an arrangement to make good on providing money to run the team, to allow Leopard the use of the RadioShack logo and company resources to promote the team, but CSE retained the legal responsibility of the original deal. However, the UCI had a problem with this. In fact, it was one of the two reasons why Becca’s group was called on the carpet with their licence renewal last November. In the agreement between Leopard and CSE, Leopard retained the licence, while CSE provided marketing services for Leopard, and Johan Bruyneel’s management company was contracted to oversee the technical operations of the team, and observes the actions of the employed directeurs.

In fact, to date, Johan Bruyneel is NOT listed on the uci.ch website as the team manager. Why? because technically, according to the UCI, he’s not. He’s not an employee of Leopard. He’s a management consultant.  In fact, if the UCI holds to its rules, Bruyneel requires special permission to be in the team car for races.

The UCI approved this unprecedented team structure, much to the dismay of many teams in the pro peloton. It set a very bad precedent.

Nonetheless, this entire episode of rule-bending has gotten the UCI, Leopard, and Bontrager-Livestrong in a pickle, highlighted by the issues we saw emerge today when the teams were announced for the Amgen Tour of California. How can the development squad for RadioShack-Nissan be allowed to race alongside the ProTour team? Because Bontrager-Livestrong are not the development squad for Radioshack-Nissan.

You see, CSE retained the Bontrager-Livestrong team. It kept the licence for that team with their company. The RadioShack-Nissan team rides under the Leopard licence, held by Becca and his group. Due to the fact that CSE handles “marketing” for both teams, they can get away with some public relations sleight of hand, in order for CSE to keep the Bontrager-Livestrong brand high in awareness. Armstrong’s mingling with the team doesn’t hurt either, and since he’s a part owner, it’s in his best interest to do so. It’s also the same sort of marketing legerdemain that has RadioShack-Nissan thumbing their nose at the UCI by adding the word “Trek” to everything that they possibly can. Like their website. http://www.radioshacknissantrek.com/

So don’t be mad about Bontrager-Livestrong and RadioShack-Nissan riding side by side at the Amgen Tour of California. Be mad that the UCI approved a dodgy management structure for Leopard. Be mad that they haven’t punished RadioShack-Nissan for violating naming rules. Be mad that they are allowing Bruyneel to act like a team manager even though it’s not him who’s ultimately accountable in the eyes of the UCI. Be mad that Becca agreed to play this bullshite game with the modern day snake-oil salesmen at CSE.

Ultimately, be mad that you made one man into such a figurehead that he could do no wrong.

Bruyneel and Och at Tirreno. Bruyneel attempts to show Och the Breakaway League "Pie in the Sky" numbers (photo courtesy C. Selden/Pez Cycling News)

The team’s independent-management-consultant Johan Bruyneel was quick to draw attention away from not only the dismal performances on the bike, but also the catastrophic loss of RadioShack corporate cycling cheerleader, Lee Applbaum. Applbaum, an armchair cycling fanatic and recently-indoctrinated TrainRight™ Chris Carmichael client, was released this past week from his position as executive vice president and chief marketing officer for the electronics retailer.

Bruyneel established the smokescreen with the clandestine release of breakaway league information via Bloomberg on Friday, two months after the first leak barely garnered a reaction out of his chief opponent, the UCI.

Breakaway league experts within the sport refused to comment directly on the article. However, noted breakaway league opponent Marc Madiot was keen to share his thoughts.

“Look, this is atrociously ridiculous. This quote unquote “league” is doomed to fail. Eight out of 40 teams are in agreement? Verbruggen is called in to broker a peace deal? British experts from Coventry commenting on money raised? This is a JV slash Bruyneel plot of jealousy because they aren’t French, Italian or Spanish. Their countries lack the panache to hold real grand tours so they want to ruin ours,” declared Madiot. He energetically continued, “Where was their support when I proposed a real union for the riders? Nowhere. They’re greedy. They just want the money. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

Noted cycling historian David Harmon was quick to lay judgement on the potential success of the breakaway league concept, “If these gentlemen want a circuit, then they should invest in Revolution UK and leave the road business to the organizers and the riders. Too many cooks are in the kitchen ruining the soup.”

When asked about the smokescreen to draw attention away from the string of failures on his part, Bruyneel was typically fired up.

“All you journalists are ridiculous. I am the master cycling tactician. How else can you explain having a 40-year old American almost win Tirreno? I plan to remake cycling with a properly-regimented business plan – simple, easy to follow, with plenty of money in my pocket – that works best for those sponsors investing. If it works for Pat (UCI president Pat McQuaid) then it should work for us,” stated Bruyneel.

When asked who was representing the rider’s voice in the negotiations, Bruyneel was dumbstruck, “Riders? Why should they have a say? They follow what I do. That is all. Just like Horner. He almost won Tirreno. Did you see his almost win? ”

It remains to be seen if this smokescreen will be able to distract the public from Team RadioShack-Nissan’s string of failures, from Jens Voigt’s apparent battle with his own DS – which cost him a stage win at Paris-Nice – to handing the leadership at Tirreno to an aging American who clearly struggled in the race of truth.