French Models are upset by excessively thin cyclists ruining their reputation (image courtesy cosmopolitan.co.uk)

“In their quest to be as lean as possible, professional cyclists have encroached upon the working territory of our modeling constituents. Being excessively skinny and gaunt is their professional domain, and the efforts by these bike riders have jeopardised the reputation of models worldwide,” stated a representative of the legal firm representing FMU.

It seems FMU is taking exception to the current crop of super-thin cyclists sporting a look that fashion models have cultivated over the past 70 years. The fashion industry has been notorious for its drug use, eating disorders, lack of hygiene, and use of any means necessary to stay thin without actually exercising.

“This has been our modus operandi for decades. Now, the professional cycling peloton is taking our carefully cultivated approach and copying our methodology, but with one additional, damaging aspect. They go out and ride 230 kilometres on a bicycle as fast as they can. This is a complete affront to our je ne sais quois,” stated the lawyer representing FMU.

The group cited examples of Vacansoleil’s Lieuwe Westra, OmegaPharma-Quickstep’s Michael Kwiatowski, and the entire Team Sky entourage.

“We can appreciate a model’s desire to be rail-thin, because that’s when the clothes look their best. A mannequin should be the hanger that showcases the ensemble and nothing more. This is de rigeur in the fashion industry, but this is not what cyclists should look like. The last time we saw gauntness and lycra together, it was the disastrous runway collection by Stephen Sprouse that riffed on cycling gear.
 

The notorious Stephen Sprouse collection that is best forgotten

The lawsuit is asking French courts to set minimum-weight-to-height ratio limits on the professional peloton in order to ensure that CPA members not infringe on the reputation of the fashion industry. It is also asking all riders participating in the Tour de France to maintain at least 5% body fat.

Karl Lagerfeld, one of the more prominent supporters of the lawsuit noted, “We have to look out for the reputation of our industry, and preserve the valuable identity we have established. We can’t have people expecting our models to do more than walk down a runway. If professional cyclists are permitted to be excessively thin and also athletic, the general public will begin to expect more from us,” stated the disturbingly-thin Chanel designer from a chaise longue in his Paris atelier.

An unnamed source inside the Team Sky camp was incensed by the move.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. We are free to be as thin as we want. So what if all our riders look like an army of praying mantises when they head to the front of the race and slam the rest of the peloton to pieces while being just skin and bones.  We are allowed to suffer from anorexia, bulimia, and excessive drug use just like the birds in the fashion model industry,” commented the anonymous Team Sky representative.

Cycling pundits around the globe welcomed the lawsuit.

“Frankly I think this whole skinny movement is utterly preposterous. It makes it difficult to photograph the podium ceremony when they turn sideways to wave. They disappear into the background completely. This whole thin thing should be left to marathoners only. And fashion models. We need to bring back the beefcake era. Please. I just am tired of photographing these waifs. If I wanted that, I would have been in Milano for fashion week,” commented one cycling photographer who may or may not have been from Bettini Photography.

The FMU representative concurred. “These specimens on bikes should not try to copy the ‘heroin chicness’ of our clients, but rather should exude strength and power, like Fabian Cancellara, Cadel Evans, Mark Cavendish, or even Pippo Pozzato. These are all strong and virile men with striking chests and thick muscular thighs, especially Pozzato,” murmured the FMU representative dreamily.

CPA representative Gianni Bugno wasn’t available for comment. However, AIGCP-president-under-duress Jonathan Vaughters was happy to supply a soundbite.

“My team has a distinct ‘no insect look’ clause in all our contracts,” stated Vaughters.

The CPA has ten days to file a defense, or faces possible injunctions against the professional peloton as requested by the FMU.

Peter Sagan, Daniel Oss and Elia Viviani bake in the sauna (Photo by Bettini, courtesy of cyclingnews.com)

However, Cyclismas has learned the real reason for the departure from Liquigas, and the simple explanation is due to Nibali’s exclusion from the ranks of the coveted Cycling Sauna Club.

According to anonymous sources that may or may not be American Liquigas team member Ted King, Nibali was excluded from the CSC – Liquigas branch by the current mini poobah, Peter Sagan.

“Look, you didn’t  hear this from me, but Nibbles is pissed off that he doesn’t get invited to the sauna parties by Oss, Viviani, and Sagan.  He thought he should be a member if not the leader. But the Grand Poobahs of the Cycling Sauna Club, Franco Pellizotti and Pippo Pozzato, said that Nibs was too tame and boring to be invited in, let alone be a key member,” according to a certain Sauna Club acolyte who wishes to keep his east coast afro anonymous.

According to other sources, Nibali was also miffed that Sagan received an invite to the Slovakian Miss Universe tryouts, and had the Liquigas team blessing to attend because of his status in the Cycling Sauna Club. Nibali apparently confronted Liquigas chief Robert Amadio about the fact that Sagan skipped Paris-Roubaix for Cycling Sauna Club duties. Amadio allegedly told Nibali that his hands were tied and he’d just have to learn his place.

When asked about the snub, Nibali refused to comment outside of stating that his Fizik adverts should have given him entrance to the club, and made some rather dramatic Sicilian gestures before hopping on his scooter.

Cyclismas caught up with Sagan, who was test driving his new Ferrari F12 Berlinetta in Monaco with his brother Juraj in anticipation of the Monaco Grand Prix at the end of the month. He was frank in his candid comments.

“Vincenzo is a nice man. But he is no fun. He has no Sauna vibe. It’s too sad. He didn’t learn from Franco at all. Vincenzo really just has no style and a tremendous amount of anger. It must be a Sicilian thing,” commented Sagan, “He attacks his women like he attacks in races – too early and without enough stamina to last to the end.”

Rumor has it Nibali’s agent is attempting to work a deal with Team Sky for Nibal to transfer to the British super team.

“Nibali would probably be a very good fit with the proper, uptight, and superior Brits. Lord knows he’s struggled to fit into a passionate Mediterranean line up. Maybe he needs the regimented and inflexible routine of Team Sky,” declared his lawyer, Alex Carrera.

As per UCI contract rules, there won’t be any declaration of team changes until after the Tour de France in July.

Pozzato motors at the E3 (photo courtesy @jeredgruber via cyclingnews.com)

“It is much disappointing for me to see Mario stealing mine and Nibali’s essence after the two of us have such a grandissimo start to 2012,” shared a despondent Pozzato. “After much suffering at Katusha, I am happy to be back in the breasts of Italy. I thank Angelo Citracca for making me comforted.”

Pozzato went on to document the exasperating media push by the “Lion King,” which culminated in a bizarre 35-minute interview during a live Tirreno-Adriatico telecast, where Vincenzo Nibali cemented his status as a GC contender for 2012, and Cipollini attempted to distract the Italian media away from Pozzato’s return to form in this year’s classics.

When asked what specifically bothered him about Mario and his so-called “thunder stealing,” Pozzato was fairly direct and blunt. “He’s old. His physical prowess requires those little pills of energy. This is time he thrusts himself on women half his age, and enjoys the twilight of his lifespan. He should leave racing and attention to the young lions who easily lap his so-called sporting strengthness.”

Members of the press corps pointed out that Mario had achieved this feat by sponsoring a women’s team, and had recently done a photo and video spread in the Hills of Italy, passing on his “training tips.”

Pozzato, unaware of the photo session, smiled in reply. “That is first step of the grandissimo retired champion. I pray his lady team keep him busy and away from the Giro duties, and keep him distracted for the Flanders this weekend,” stated a focused Pippo.

Pozzato heads into this weekend as one of the heavy favorites, but faces an uphill battle against the strong one-two punch of the Omega-Pharma-Quickstep duo of Tom Boonen and Sylvain Chavanel. The Tour of Flanders – minus the Muur and the Bosberg – goes off Sunday.