North Korean leader will be switching from horses to bicycles in support of McQuaid (Photo courtesy of KRT via Reuters)

In a video interview released by North Korean television, the current supreme leader of the totalitarian-ruled nation had words of encouragement.

“Freedom is humanity’s great lie. Humanity was meant to be repressed, subjugated  controlled, mocked, and abused.  This has been our policy for many, many decades. The people of North Korea belong to the state. We do with them as we wish. They are cattle who will receive punishment for challenging my divine right to rule them with an iron fist. I have gladness to see another regime adopt a similar attitude. It gives me hope for sport. I am happy to see the UCI attempt to flex their repressive muscles to gain control of cycling,” declared Jong Un.

Jong Un went on to identify the behavior which gave him “hope” for cycling.

“Pat McQuaid, while supporting our neighbors to the south with UCI-sanctioned races, has shown his true alignment with our culture. Calling those who oppose his power ‘scumbags.’ Attacking those in his sport who break ranks from the UCI party line. Silencing his critics with legal wars.  McQuaid’s long-held dream of world cycling dominance over all other sports justifies his actions. The ends always justifies the means when we achieve our goals. It is with honor. It is how my regime acts today,” continued Jong Un.

The UCI, after taking a beating the past five days in the press, was thrilled to have the support of anyone, even if it was a North Korean dictator.

“Finally, someone understands where I am coming from. I have the best intentions to make the cycling nation the strongest, most powerful, and best-funded sport on the planet. But this is not enough. I want to control cycling throughout the galaxy, throughout the universe. It is my divine right handed down by Hein Verbruggen himself to rule the sport with an iron fist. To crush those who oppose my dreams of a world filled with nothing but bicycles, and to declare war on all other forms of transportation and sport,” frothed McQuaid.

When asked if corruption, collusion, cronyism, and general bad behavior were excusable due to his greater aims, McQuaid was succinct.

“Yes,” stated McQuaid as he thumped his shoe on his gold-encrusted desk.

Pundits around the cycling world were quick to comment on the statements.

“He’s completely nuts,” stated a commentator who may or may not have been David Harmon.

Phil Liggett was also asked to weigh in on the statements by both Jong Un and McQuaid

“I’m still a little vulnerable over the Armstrong business. I think I’m just going to say, “no comment,” go on a short trip to Mali, and hope this has all blown over by the Tour Down Under,” stated Liggett.

Greg LeMond, in the wake of his open letter to Pat McQuaid, was unable to offer any commentary as he was busy purchasing torches and pitchforks for an apparent Swiss Holiday on December 12th.

The good old days when Armstrong had everything under control for Sherwen and Liggett (photo via wikipedia.org)

The OLN/Versus/NBCSports commentator issued a few tweets on October 13, stating he was going to spend time digesting the mounting evidence against his “BFF” Armstrong. However, the truth of Sherwen’s activities has been uncovered by special investigators close to “Operation UCI Downfall.” Sherwen has gone into hiding to begin liquidating his ties to the disgraced age-group swimmer.

“We have evidence of Sherwen’s attempts to minimize his exposure in the greatest sporting fraud in recorded human history. In fact, we have obtained proof that Sherwen was actually the ‘anonymous’ sms texter who sent an unsuspecting Phil Liggett to the slaughter in a cyclingnews.com interview earlier today,” commented the investigator who wished to remain anonymous.

The anonymous investigator (apparently French, judging by his accent) went on to recount the tangled web of deceit, and the part Sherwen played.

“We’re concerned that individuals such as Sherwen not only fooled the public with the PR war they waged on behalf of Armstrong, but also that they ran interference for Armstrong with anti-doping officials. We have obtained documentation that shows Sherwen colluded with Armstrong by conducting extensively long, boring, and redundant interviews right after stages, which allowed Armstrong plenty of time to hide his activities. In fact, Sherwen ended up in a shoving match with one AFLD tester when he attempted to corral Armstrong in 2009,” continued the investigator.

It is not known where Sherwen has sequestered himself to perform the liquidation. However, sources at Eurosport UK have confirmed someone had robbed their video vault of the Tour de France races in which Lance participated.

“We can confirm we’ve lost our original footage from Lance’s Tour de France years. We do have a surveillance tape of someone resembling Sherwen, along with someone else who has a prominent chin dimple, accessing the archives on the weekend. Thankfully, over the past few years we’d had the foresight to transfer the archives to our servers in case of theft. As anti-doping agencies around the world have been requesting the footage, we’re glad we had a backup,” commented a Eurosport spokesperson.

When reached for comment on the disappearance of Sherwen, Phil Liggett was befuddled.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Lance was clean. But I also believe Tyler. My goodness me, where’s Paul when I need him? I can’t believe he missed our meeting three days ago. He stood me up for our meeting at a London café. And then I came back to my hotel room, which was in shambles. The hotel staff insists my nephew was in the room and made the mess, but I don’t recall speaking to my nephew in the past week,” stated a very confused Liggett.

Attempts to contact Sherwen via his mobile phone were fruitless, as his number had been disconnected according to the recording.