Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

Or take the show on the road with our iTunes downloads.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

Or take the show on the road with our iTunes downloads.

Makarov in happier times at the UCI championships in Copenhagen. The billionaire’s financing of UCI headquarters will save the embattled sport governing body

“This is a momentous day in the history of cycling. We have secured the long-term financial viability of this sport of two-wheels with the sale of UCI headquarters to one of the best, most finest human beings on the planet, Igor Makarov. His selfless interest in cycling is well documented, and we are happy to have completed this deal,” stated UCI vice-president Renato di Rocco.

The deal was crucial for the UCI, as soon-to-be former president Pat McQuaid had expended the entire UCI reserve fund, along with the remaining funds in the ProTour reserve fund in his bid to create a smokescreen to distract the cycling public from the legacy of corruption, cronyism, and nepotism that marked his reign and that of his best friend forever Hein Verbruggen.  McQuaid had reached out to several Swiss banks in a bid to mortgage the montrosity known as UCI Headquarters in Aigle, but after his desperate letter to the IOC begging for help, the Swiss banking circuit declined to assist.

“It was really dire times. Our main partners were refusing to pay their sponsorship dollars, which made it difficult for the team in Aigle to keep the lights on. In fact, the electricity the headquarters was consuming while trying to battle the entire world caused the Swiss energy commission to demand a reduction in consumption, or the UCI would have to pay for a new hydrodam to be constructed,” stated di Rocco.

UCI employee Jarvier Barrio concurred with di Rocco’s comments.

“Since McQuaid and Verbruggen had been handing out six figure salaries like drunken Enron executives, our overhead is astronomical. If we hadn’t put the Makarov deal together, I have no idea how we would have met payroll in March,” commented Barrio.

The Makarov deal will have no direct impact on the day-to-day operation of the UCI. Rumors of Makarov moving into the office space next to the UCI presidential office, formerly known as “Verbruggen’s dirty lair,” have not been confirmed as of press time. However, the resignation of Pat McQuaid was one of the key points in the transaction.

“While Igor was demanding Pat to stand down immediately, especially after the Katusha debacle that was completely mishandled by the existing power structure, we were able to receive a concession of Pat retiring when his existing term is up,” stated a representative from Ernst & Young, the organisation handling the transaction on behalf of both parties.

Pundit reaction around the cycling world was mixed.

“So does this mean Makarov will be the next UCI president? This has been the pattern for the last 25 years. Cycling seems to kiss the arse of the money men in the sport. I’m hoping we’ll have a change, and maybe Tracey Gaudry might show all these old cronies how to run an organisation properly,” stated a journalist who may or may not have been Rupert Guinness.

“I’m not sure what the fuck I’m going to do. I banked my whole career on the Verbruggen/McQuaid/Armstrong money train. I mean, I’m too old to start over, and I haven’t been wise with the money they all threw at me. What’s a middle-aged, bald, and slightly plum photographer going to do now?” stated favored UCI suck-up Graham Watson.

The financing deal is set to take effect March 1st, with the funds paid out monthly via a structured 10-year program, since Makarov has concerns about UCI bureaucratics burning through on the dough in the first month.

I can safely say that without the efforts of a certain UCI management committee member who may or may not be from the British Isles, we wouldn’t even have an independent commission in the first place. During the emergency management committee meeting a faction group, which included the aforementioned individual, asked for the removal of Hein Verbruggen as honorary president of the UCI. Our current president, Pat McQuaid, said that was completely out of the question. As a compromise, we have what is now the UCI Independent Commission.

While many individuals (including the Change Cycling Now group) were worried about the neutrality of the independent commission, we can now say we have a good sense that unlike the Vrijman inquiry of 2006, we have a panel which is interested in assisting the sport to escape its shite past.  And to those who gave me shite privately about my faith that this panel wouldn’t be another “UCI lapdog of ridiculousnessyness,” I told you so (yeah, I’m talking to you, Jaimie Fuller, among others). You all owe me a beverage. Grey Goose vodka,  thank you.

What does yesterday mean? That the “IC” part of that acronym well and truly means “independent.” UCIIC had the stones to say to the UCI, “Um, no thank you, we’re not going to suspend inquiries. And if you’re worried about costs, and the fact you’re going to potentially have two separate inquiries going, that’s just too damn bad. You made this mess, you have to clean it up.” The sticking point is the UCI has now agreed to explore a Truth and Reconciliation process and is currently having discussions with WADA on this front. While doing this, the UCIIC is still going forward with their inquiry and investigation into the allegations from the Armstrong business. However, the UCI seems to be hung up on how this procedure works, as it falls outside the current rules over which WADA presides.

The response by the UCI should give everyone an indication on how they operate, and reveal potential motivations behind their actions. Do they have something to hide? Are they concerned about what may be exposed? The fact that the UCI has responded to requests for information by the UCIIC at the eleventh hour might indicate their reluctance to share information. Or does it? Could the UCI be a victim of simply biting off more than it can chew?

The public response by Pat McQuaid and Hein Verbruggen to criticism of the “warnings” they gave riders shows me one thing with crystal clear 20/20 hindsight – the UCI is completely obsessed with finances and revenue. It drives all their decision-making. Could it be that the warnings were simply done in order to avoid additional costs of having to prove a rider was dirty?

The American auto industry is a prime example of this mentality. It’s a known fact that if an auto company discovers a flaw in one of their automobile products, the failure analysis process for the company evaluates which is cheaper for them to absorb: a mass recall in order to fix the problem, or responding to insurance claims from individuals who may become disabled/dead from the automobile failure. There are individuals at all the major American automobile companies who make these evaluations, and their recommendations are what drive this decision-making process. It’s cold, it’s clinical, and ultimately it puts bottom-line profit above the wellness of humanity. I find it completely disgusting, personally.

By the same token, this mentality permeates the upper levels of the UCI. There are a number of lawyers who preside and advise the UCI by making similar sorts of decisions, and have been doing so since Verbruggen took over. It’s why we have comments like “all the international federations were doing it, don’t blame us,”  or “we need to end this independent commission and start over with a truth and reconciliation process,” or “our financials will not allow us to commence two independent evaluations in parallel.”

Instead of doing what is “right” for the sport, the UCI is obsessed with what is “legal” or what is “cost-effective” for the governing body – at the expense of the entire sport. This reflects the overly-strong influence of individuals like Jean-Pierre Strebel and Philippe Verbiest, among others. This is also why having folks from Ernst & Young determine what is best for cycling is absolutely the wrong way to move the sport forward. And what we’re left with are these sorts of recaps, as reported by cyclingnews.com yesterday, where the UCIIC noted the UCI had FAILED to comply with providing the information asked:

Counsel for the UCI said that it had 16 lever-arch files of documentation ready, but that these files had not been disclosed due to the lack of clarity regarding how the independent commission would proceed in the wake of its call for the installation of a truth and reconciliation commission. The UCI has since agreed to provide this documentation to the Independent Commission, which it will read before next week’s hearing. During the hearing, a draft proposal from USADA concerning how a TRC would function was circulated.

It’s going to be a long process for the UCIIC to slog through the layers upon layers of smokescreens which have been laid down over the past two decades by the UCI itself. Cycling should be thankful that WADA and USADA are two agencies willing to spearhead this effort, and hopefully there will be more agencies/federations joining in this effort shortly. As demonstrated by the UCI’s actions, they are ultimately unwilling to do it themselves without the constant prodding.

Where does this leave us?

There is a renewed call by many for cycling to lose its Olympic standing. In fact, if the UCIIC is able to demonstrate there were dubious activities being conducted by members of the UCI during the Armstrong era, this could be a distinct reality. The IOC is about protecting its legacy, and while McQuaid is saying he “didn’t have the time” to be part of the 2020 Games selection committee, the timing of the announcement casts doubt on this spin. When the sport’s top leaders are being removed from WADA executive committees, from the helm of SportAccord, or from IOC standing committees, it should be an indication that those in the halls of sporting power are beginning to look at cycling unfavourably, no matter the attempted spin.

In fact, maybe the best thing that could happen to cycling is see it removed from the Olympics. It might give us all the opportunity to rebuild track, road, MTB, and BMX the proper way without the influence of risk/benefit analysis drones ruining what we’re all trying to accomplish. Nonetheless, the next six months could determine the course the sport takes during the ensuing decades. It remains to be seen if this change will be driven by the UCI itself, or as the smokescreens continue to dissapate, its fortunes will be ultimately determined by others, including the UCIIC and the IOC.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

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Vaughters models the outfit that garnered him top secret UCI information (photo via Vaughters’ spycam)

“It was one of the toughest decisions of my life, but I had to put my personal feelings aside in order to do what was best for cycling,” commented Jonathan Vaughters, who dressed up as a woman in order to infiltrate the meetings.

“Thankfully the old men around the table didn’t recognize me. Verbruggen and McQuaid both have a penchant for blondes with hot legs, which gave me a massive advantage. The toughest part was having to shave off my sideburns in order to disguise my facial features,” continued Vaughters.

“Undercover Vaughters” was able to discover where Verbruggen has been stashing his ill-gotten millions, allegedly obtained through various acts of graft and skimming. The graft was partially revealed by the Keirin investigation in the late 90s, but the skimming part of Verbruggen’s devious plan had never been revealed until now.

As per Vaughters’ undercover investigation, Verbruggen has been stashing his ill-gotten gains from race organizers seeking preferential treatment, riders hoping for Grand Tour glory, and corporations looking for cycling exposure via accounts based in China. Originally, Verbruggen had his business accounts in Ireland and the Caymans, but after some security compromises, he moved his funds to China.

“Verbruggen likes shorter Asian ladies with hot legs and blonde wigs. In fact, rumor has it his assistant, who is Asian, must wear a blonde wig whenever she is in his presence, which I found out first-hand. Thankfully, I fit the same criteria, which led to my stealthy success,” stated Vaughters.

When asked on whose behalf he was collecting the information, Vaughters was uncharacteristically tight-lipped.

“It’s no secret I sit on the board of every cycling organization and every cycling faction. MPCC, AIGCP, UCI commissions, and even that strange Change Cycling Now Red Brigade Shock Troop who pledge unquestionable allegiance to soon-to-be dictator for life Greg LeMond. However, all my work has been on behalf of PETA. They’re very concerned about the poor treatment of rodents in cycling events around the world,” revealed Vaughters.

“Undercover Vaughters” went on to reveal he obtained the most damning information via secret audio recording during a private hotel event with several other scantily-clad ladies of distinction. In order to achieve the best possible recording, however, the microphone had to be placed in the fanny region.

“I’ll admit, it was a little uncomfortable, but hey, I do what I can for the sport and the squirrels I love. Thankfully, the operation didn’t require me to participate in any Dutch Ovens,” concluded Vaughters.

The intelligence and information gathered by “Undercover Vaughters” has been forwarded to the UCI Independent Commission and to WADA. Both organizations confirmed they were reviewing the materials.

After his outstanding undercover work, Vaughters has been offered a role on the CCNN-TV show produced by Cyclismas. Jonny Gunn, anchor for the broadcast, conducts his own segment entitled “Undercover Gunn,” exposing the seedy underworld of cycling. Gunn has proposed to Vaughters that they join forces to form “G & V Undercover Adventures.” There was no word at press time if this venture was moving forward.

David, the spectacles are on the way.

You can follow David on Twitter @spokesmen.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

Or take the show on the road with our iTunes downloads.

Mosley offers bid to the UCI to “improve the sport of cycling.” (photo courtesy of BBC News)

“My extensive experience in creating success at the FIA is well-documented. Since I’ve been ejected from the Formula 1 circuit based on misconstrued and alleged incidents during my reign there, I’ve decided to assist my good friends Pat McQuaid and Hein Verbruggen in pulling cycling out of its tailspin,” stated Mosley’s press release.

Mosley’s press release went on to point out that the sport lacked a “McLaren, Williams, and Tyrrell to prevent the UCI in their bid to globalise the sport and sign rights agreements on behalf of all stakeholders.” The F1 legend went on to describe that his  concept of a Champions Circuit would be a better move than Bakala’s “closed” proposal, which wouldn’t allow teams to move up and into the “elite tier” of cycling.

“The Champions Circuit would incorporate all the current races, guaranteeing five-year licences without a yearly review to cause instability. However, licence fees would double as trade-off for the stability. While Bakala is a dynamic businessman, he lacks sport governance experience to realise just how damaging his proposal would be for the sport. I will say his numbers for revenue-sharing for the teams are in line with what should have been occuring in Formula 1, as the teams there now take too great of a share away from FIA coffers,” continued Mosley’s press release.

When asked if his record in Formula 1 and the controversy surround his leadership would detract from his proposal, Mosley was candid.

“Look, I empathize with Pat and Hein. They’re going through a similar mutiny as I experienced when Ecclestone outplayed me for control of the sport. I see “Blame McQuaid” and “Blame Verbruggen” comments on Twitter similar to the signs demanding my removal at F1 races a few years ago. I think Pat and Hein are running their show exactly the same way I used to run mine. I think there’s nothing wrong with their governance. The parallels to my reign at the F1 upper echelon are identical, so if I can help them stay in power, I will,” concluded a defiant Mosley.

Pundits around the world were rather surprised to see Mosley come out and support Verbruggen and McQuaid.

“All I can say is, thank goodness we haven’t seen compromising snaps of Pat and Hein caught in twisted bondage games with dubious consorts so far. The timing of Mosely’s support is most unfortunate for the duo. Who’s next to support them? Donald Trump?” commented a pundit who may or may not have been Road.cc’s Simon McMichael.

The UCI refused to confirm or deny support for Mosley’s proposal, but Verbruggen himself acknowledged he was “honoured and flattered” to have Mosley’s support for maintaining control and dominance over cycling.

McQuaid ponders his escape route (photo courtesy of UCI)

The UCI issued three press releases in rapid-fire succession, beginning with the announcement of Australian Olympic head John Coates heading up the mission to choose the independent panel, followed by the announcement of a “stakeholder consultation,” and finally who would be “the stakeholders” determining the future of the sport.

“We’ve been happy to partner with our old friend, John Coates, who has a history of making unpopular decisions. He was the man who said Australia should still go to Moscow for the Olympics there, he was also the gent who was involved in the Beijing bribery scandal in 1993. Recently, we’ve been happy with his zero tolerance stance, which has been his attempt to get Klaus Mueller [Cycling Australia president] back in line,” commented UCI president Pat McQuaid.

It’s been stated that the commission will have a lawyer, an accountant, and a sports administrator who will not have involvement in the cycling world.

“They will have no involvement in the cycling world. We didn’t say that they wouldn’t have close ties to us in some form or fashion, though. And frankly, we have to have people in these positions that we know we can trust to make the right decisions in our favour,” continued McQuaid.

The second press release outlined the UCI’s wish to “move the sport forward” with a consultation process involving “all stakeholders,” with details to follow at the end of the year, and the panel to begin work in 2013. However, mere minutes after the second press release, a third was issued from Enrico Carpani, UCI spokesperson, via email, outlining the composition of the “stakeholder panel.”

“After conversations with our honorary president, the UCI has determined the composition of the stakeholder panel based upon their selfless commitment to the sport of cycling and their collective vision,” declared the press release.

The stakeholder panel will consist of the following members: Igor Makarov, Rocco Cattaneo, Philippe Verbiest, Alan Seigrist, Hee Wook Cho, Renato Di Rocco, Artur Lopes, Alain Rumpf, Mike Turtur, Ray Godkin, Rocco Taminelli, Alan Rushton, Darach McQuaid, Gianni Bugno, and John Wilcockson.

UCI spokesperson Carpani was quick to defend the selections for the stakeholder panel in his press release.

“The UCI feels this group will represent the different factions who have a vested interest in the sport. We are pleased with the inclusion of John Wilcockson, who will respresent the rabid fan base which has expressed their concerns about the sport in general. Igor Makarov will address any concerns on behalf of the teams. Gianni Bugno has shown his ability to represent the riders well. Alain Rumpf, Mike Turtur, and Alan Rushton will ensure the voice of race organisers are heard as well,” stated the press release.

The press release also outlined how the entire exercise will be paid for, as revenue is a top concern for the organization in general.

“We will be utilizing the reserves from the Pro Tour Fund to offset the expenses related to the independent commission and the stakeholder panel. We would like to thank the World Tour teams for their invaluable contribution to the sport,” the press release concluded.

Vocal UCI critic and AIGCP president Jonathan Vaughters had a terse response to the developments, “It’s business as usual.”

The UCI will be revealing futher details of both exercises sometime in January.