* * * * *

You can be pretty sure that one of the people who stayed up in his London home until 2am GMT to watch Lance Armstrong’s back-to-back interviews with Oprah at the back end of last week was his old directeur sportif, Johan Bruyneel.

Remember Johan? The guy who in August tweeted: “When has “seven” been “seven” and then not anymore? NEVER…”.

The guy whose reaction to Tyler Hamilton appearing on 60 Minutes with flowing, wavy locks to discuss his doping expose ‘The Secret Race’ was once again summed up in a succinct tweet back in September: “Thinking about writing a book. Apparently, it makes your hair grow…”.

The guy who recently had a pop at Jonathan Vaughters for blocking him on Twitter – although it is thought that Bruyneel has given the same treatment to around 80% of his own 101,250 followers.

The guy who described the recent Change Cycling Now summit in London as a meeting between “a bunch of douches.”

The guy who in November told his followers that “this ain’t over yet, people.”

The same guy who, a month earlier, stressed that “there’s always two sides to a story. Coming soon!” and who – according to Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf – is working on a book that will give his version of events of the U.S. Postal years.

Given that the 48-year-old Belgian is thought to be still planning to go forward with his arbitration with the US Anti-Doping Agency, this promises to be quite a read (although book shops the world over will have their work cut out in deciding whether to place the product on their ‘fiction’ or ‘non-fiction’ shelf).

Anyway, it’s hard to know exactly what’s going through Bruyneel’s head because he’s kept a low profile since being dismissed by RadioShack-Nissan-Trek in the wake of the damning USADA documents being made public.

Bruyneel makes a point at not talking to the press or his critics, preferring to communicate his steely defiance through the odd wine-fuelled tweet.

But while Armstrong himself swiftly took down a reference to his seven Tour de France victories in his Twitter profile, Bruyneel simply updated his to: “7 plus TWO = 13″ (the 7 refers to his Tour wins with Armstrong, the TWO his victories with Alberto Contador, and the 13 his total Grand Tour scalps as DS, including overall wins in the Vuelta and Giro for Roberto Heras and Paolo Savoldelli).

Well, never one to disappoint, Johan could not resist posting a subliminal message the day after the second part of Armstrong’s interview with Oprah elicited such a frosty reception that five inches of snow fell over most of western Europe.

Johan’s Twitter feed contains no reference to the interview but on Sunday he posted a picture of the breakfast table spread for his daughter’s ninth birthday party. And sitting on a plate in the middle of the picture are – at least for those blocked followers like Saddleblaze who can only view a thumbnail of Johan’s pictures – seven yellow cupcakes.

Elsewhere in the cycling world, the fallout from “Doprah” continues with Jan Ullrich – the German juggernaut considered by Armstrong to be his biggest rival both on two wheels and in the doping laboratories – promising not to follow in the footsteps of the American “and speak before an audience of millions – although some have asked me again and again, and perhaps expect it”.

Speaking to the German magazine Focus, the 39-year-old stressed that he was no longer interested in the past, adding: “I live in the here and now – very happily.”

The sausage-obsessed Thomas Gottschalk

But sources close to Saddleblaze have revealed that these denials are a mere smokescreen, with Ullrich in advanced talks with German TV channel ZDF for a two-hour one-on-one live interview with the eccentric talk show host Thomas Gottschalk.

Ullrich is said to have finally caved in to pressure to lift the lid on his past after watching his old foe’s enhanced performance alongside Oprah.

“When he heard Armstrong talk so disparagingly about the East German doping programme of the 70s and 80s, Jan flipped. How do you say in English – it was the stick that whipped the camel’s hump,” said the unnamed Bavarian source (not to be confused with Bavarian Sauce, a curry-based gravy very much enjoyed by Jan Ullrich as a condiment for his daily bratwurst snack at elevenses).

Jan was also said to be “apoplectic” that Armstrong was once overheard bragging that Ullrich was “his bitch,” that he wasn’t as good as cheating and that he was overweight.

“Jan didn’t mind being called a bitch and a cheat and all that other stuff, but – how do you say? – being called fat really pushed him over the ledge,” confided the Munich-based source.

Initially it was thought that David Hasselhoff would conduct the interview in a bid to not alienate audiences in the US – but Ullrich reportedly thought this was too gimmicky. Instead, producers have their hearts set on household favourite Gottschalk, a dapper TV veteran who is the record-breaking face of Haribo and also starred alongside Whoopi Goldberg as a sausage-obsessed German cook in Sister Act 2.

“Jan is a big fan of Gottschalk – not only of his TV work but also his filmography,” said the source.

Ullrich, who won the Tour de France in 1997 and retired in 2007, is currently serving a two-year ban after being implicated in the Operacion Puerto doping ring. Last year, ‘Ulle’ was stripped of his results from 2005 onwards, losing his third place in the 2005.

“Jan’s biggest concern about doing a TV interview is being stripped of his 1997 Tour de France title. It’s easy to see why: for seven years he was bullied by Armstrong and notched more second-places than Raymond Poulidor. But now Armstrong has lost his seven Tours, Jan is set to go down in history as a more successful rider than the Texan. Such a turnaround is life-changing.”

Part of the deal that sees Ullrich open up to Gottschalk would also include a special one-off appearance in the popular gameshow Wetten, dass..?, the most successful Saturday evening television show in Europe.

Following the same format as the British show You Bet! And the American show Wanna Bet?, the Wetten, dass..? Ullrich special is likely to see the Rostock road racer partake in a number of eating challenges as well as some disco dancing.

“Jan is keen to – how do you say? – strike the iron while he is hot. He is also aware that Johan Bruyneel is probably, as we speak, recording a duet with Belgian crooner Johnny Halliday, so his next move must be bold – and this fits the bill,” confirmed the source.

Oprah Winfrey: When you placed third in 2009, you did not dope?

Lance Armstrong: “The last time I crossed that line was 2005.”

OW: Does that include blood transfusions? No doping or blood transfusions in 2009… 2010?

LA: “Absolutely not.”

Let’s just think about that, shall we?

Doc has done some homework for us.

Armstrong’s 2009 comeback blood

don’t tell no clean comeback story

first

take uh look at his giro blood

starts at hgb 14.8

drops to hgb 13

uh 12 percent volume expansion

consistent with what’s expected

uv GT guys

the Tour ?

volume expansion

?

fugg no

starts hgb 14.3

after initial volume expansion

hgb 13.7

then it climbs

n finishes

hgb 14.5

or up 2 gm/dL

from expected

at uh conservative 0.25 w/kg

per

gm/dL

good for a bump

uv

0.5 watts/kg

ie there’s no fuggin way

lance finishes top 10

let uh lone

beets 90 days uv SuperBrad

more importantly

lookit the retic

in the fuggin gutter

consistently suppressed for the entire TDF

consistently acting

like there is too much blood in this body

n

we sure the fugg know

it’s not just his natural response

cuz it’s not what happened in the giro

lance

yer

blood

says 2 things

1. yuh sure is fugg weren’t clean

n

2. yuh just weren’t that good neither

(the 2010 blood telss the same blood doped story)

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veloclinic is the reincarnation of one of our favorite Twitter friends, @captaintbag1, whose tumblr blog posts were a kind of blank verse, Tecate-soaked haiku of truthiness that cut through the slick bullshit and to the very core of what is gloriously fucked up about the sport of cycling. Although the Cap may be gone (sort of), his Doctor tbag/Captain Hyde alter ego lives on, and we’re glad to share his pithy analysis here. Lest you think these are the idiot ramblings of a madman, we’d like you to know that the doc is a legitimate professional in the science of sports medicine, and a savant when it comes to doping analysis. You have been warned.

Robert Downey, Jr has reached out to Lance Armstrong. Shown in much happier times with Jake Gyllenhall (center) (photo courtesy IMDB)

Sources formerly close to Armstrong – including the now recently-shitcanned Sally Jenkins, buddy “College” Korioth, forum troll “Polish,” acolytes Chris Brewer, Johan Bruyneel, Bill Stapleton, and Bart Knaggs, and Livestrong takeover artist Doug Ulman – have all confirmed the mass firings. Armstrong did the reduction in force via a new Twitter app called “FireFriends,” made popular by Rihanna in 2012.

“I’m just shocked Lance did this to me. After all I’ve done for him, including writing a career-ending defense of his actions, and this is how he treats me? He burns me, doesn’t give me the exclusive, and runs to Oprah?” fumed the recently-RIF’d Jenkins.

Reports are that Robert Downey, Jr. met with Armstrong in Hawaii after an urgent phone call from Armstrong’s baby mama, Anna Hansen. The Ironman star hopped on the first available flight to meet with Armstrong in his Maui compound. The two shared tuna melts – Downey’s former favorite hangover cure – indicating Armstrong has allegedly been on another one of his trademark drinking binges.

Sources close to Downey Jr. indicate the former Brat-Packer discussed in detail his own epic meltdown, including a break-in at a stranger’s house to curl up in a little girl’s bed. The actor chronicled his rise back to the top, including his personality transformation to “humble and charming” superstar from the “sociopathic drunken attention whore” he used to be and feels Armstrong is emulating.

“Bob encouraged Lance to do the Oprah thing even though it’s basically only on a cable access channel rather than a real network. But hey, it’s a start. Plus, Oprah needs all the help she can get at the moment,” stated an anonymous source close to the situation.

Following the tuna melt bonding session in Maui, Downey Jr. brought Armstrong back to his Malibu retreat for some “guy time” and to meet his Buddhism guru to work on deflating the massive Armstrong ego.

“It’s been a challenge. There are so many foul layers to Armstrong’s onion that have built up over the years. His toxicity is massive. Bob even had to bring in Ramon Estevez to give Lance some tough love after Lance berated a cocktail waitress at a downtown Los Angeles eatery. Ramon basically told Lance to ‘grow the fuck up you little piece of crap, no one cares about cancer or bicycles anymore.’ He made Lance cry like a baby right there in the restaurant,” stated a Downey Jr. confidante.

No word what Downey Jr.’s next moves are for Armstrong, but the buzz it that he’ll be working on helping him fashion a new career. Rumors are rampant that it will be either as a movie producer or talent agent, since the Sherlock Holmes superstar doesn’t feel he can “beat Armstrong’s overbearing type A personality out of his DNA.”

“It’s really funny. Bob commented that if Lance’s mom thinks he’s an asshole and has been since he was 12, it might be best to put him into a new career in Hollywood that forgives his douchebag nature,” stated a close confidante.

Armstrong appears Thursday on Oprah’s talk show to offer a stage-managed confession rumored to be choreographed by Downey Jr.