How much of his autobiography did Roche actually write?

“The UCI has notified us that Roche is required to enroll in English grammar classes, in order to have his proficiency reach the required WorldTour levels. The UCI requires all riders to be fluent in at least one native language. Unfortunately, Irish isn’t one, and we’re working hard to get his English up to par,” commented general manager Vincent Lavenu.

UCI WorldTour rules state that each rider must have basic native language proficiency in order to receive their licence, and that a temporary licence can be issued for six months to allow for the completion of the testing.

Cyclismas has learned through leaked documentation that Roche has failed the UCI test three times, and that the UCI has allegedly covered up the failures. When reached for comment UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani was definitive in his answer.

“There is no conspiracy. Nicolas has not completed his mandatory language test requirement. I cannot confirm or deny that he has taken the test in the past, but he is scheduled to take it in July. It unfortunately means he cannot be at the Tour de France this year,” stated Carpani.

This does call into question how much of his autobiography, Inside the Peloton, was written by the professional cyclist. His latest defense of the autobiography on Twitter in a conversation with Cyclismas contributor @fmk_RoI confirmed the need for classes to shore up his English-language proficiency.

New Peloton Magazine editor-at-large John Wilcockson was quick to defend Roche, “The lad is great on his bike, and he has started creating phenomenal new words for the cycling language, including the brilliant word ‘determinated’ which he used with class on Twitter yesterday.”

Roche refused to clarify any statements in English. However, score.ie did provide transcripts of some of his tweets, sadly highlighting the need for UCI grammar courses.

Lavenu confirmed that John Gadret would be the sole leader for AG2R at the Tour.

AG2R participate in court-ordered team-building exercises (Getty images)

The announcement comes just days after AG2R team manager Vincent Lavenu declared to infamous Eurosport commentator Brian Smith that the 2012 Tour de France route was “well-suited” to Peraud, as reported by cyclingnews.com. Teammate Christophe Riblon also declared his allegiance to the Gadret-Peraud bloc with his fawning summary of Peraud:

It’s all in the eyes. He has this magnetic gaze that instantaneously makes you melt, yet gives you power to conquer the highest peaks of Europe. I’d follow him to the ends of the earth, or the nearest nightclub, whichever came first,” gushed Riblon.

Nico Roche spent the ensuing 24 hours following Lavenu’s media session by chopping wood at his father’s summer retreat in the Pyrenees. This undertaking was part of his therapist-decreed anger-suppression exercises, implemented as reparation for his infamous outbursts alleging Gadret’s impersonation of Benedict Arnold at the 2010 Tour de France.

Roche famously decreed that if Gadret had been found dead in a hotel room, he would have been the primary suspect and followed that up with his other scathing comment about putting Gadret’s head through a bus window. Roche has been a shadow of his former self post-2010, and has been looking for ways to regain his confidence. However, the words and actions of Lavenu in 2011 cemented the requirement for the off-season Peace Summit.

When reached for comment, Peraud was his typically diplomatic self, reflecting the attitude of a true champion.

Roche is a very strong young man with all the phyical attributes required of a solid professional bicycle racer. He is meticulous in his preparation for races, to the point of obsessive compulsiveness. However, the question still remains, does he have the mental ability to rise above the petty skirmishes that he has initiated with Gadret?”

Gadret was more than open with his assessment of the reasons for the peace conference.

Roche called me a wingnut. Who’s the wingnut now, Roche? I was at the Giro d’Italia presentation flirting with the ladies backstage and getting phone numbers. Where was he? Chopping wood in the Pyrenees, I presume.”

Roche declined our phone calls for this report. However, upon the appearance of a Cyclismas.com reporter to his summer retreat, Roche did his best impersonation of a young Sean Penn by destroying all the reporter’s technical equipment, including his new iPhone 4s. Roche’s agent, Andrew McQuaid, son of UCI Emperor-for-Life Pat McQuaid, also refused any comments to the press other than two words which aren’t permissible to publish.

Lavenu will be conducting the peace summit under the watchful eye of AIGCP head, Jonathan Vaughters. Cyclismas.com will have the exclusive results of the meetings upon their conclusion October 29th, 2011.