Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

Or take the show on the road with our iTunes downloads.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @rippfinklemann, @thejonnygunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

Or take the show on the road with our iTunes downloads.

At a press conference on October 18th, Sufferlandrian National Team Director Sportif Grunter Von Agony explained the punitive action to revoke Armstrong’s citizenship, outlining the Federation’s stance on doping in response to the staggering revelations of widespread doping in the peloton.

“Take drugs? Very, very un-Sufferlandrian of you. Citizenship stripped. Send back your passport. The Minions will bury it after Chamois Dancing on it,” stated Von Agony.

Von Agony continued to speak specifically about the Armstrong situation.

“Yes, we had granted citizenship status to Armstrong. And yes, he had exercised his rights and privileges as a citizen on a number of occasions. But based upon the release of mountains of evidence, we now know Armstrong did not follow the ideals espoused in our citizenship statement, ‘NOTHING MUST DULL THE SUFFERING.’ Accordingly, we have stripped Armstrong’s Sufferlandrian citizenship, we have asked for the return of his passport, and the minions are stretching. They’re warming up for Chamois Dancing,” declared a stern Von Agony.

Several pundits found the move by the Sufferlandrian Federation “shocking, jaw dropping, and very unpleasant.” However, noted Sufferfest adherent Neil Browne pulled no punches in his assessment.

“Armstrong is a disgrace to the nation of Sufferlandria. He could be subjected to a flogging with the steel-tipped Sufferlandria flag of punishment, but that method is mainly used for enjoyment purposes by Sufferlandrian citizens. So maybe not. I’ll say this once and own it, I’m proud that Von Agony revoked the dude’s citizenship,” stated Browne.

The timing of the announcement came at an opportune moment for Sufferlandria, occurring just prior to the release of their latest ode to suffering, There is No Try, which is scheduled to inflict maximum damage on October 23rd.

“It’s fortunate that we had the chance to react to this brewing scandal and head off any potential damage to our nation from Armstrong. We are all grateful to be able to protect the rights of all citizens of Sufferlandria,” commented Von Agony.

However not everyone was pleased with the latest severed relationship for the once-mighty champion. Armstrong’s extremely well-compensated attorney Tim Herman spoke out sharply, rebuking the nation The Sufferfest calls home.

“This action by the nation of Sufferlandria is completely and totally #unconstitutional. We will be filing a complaint with Sufferlandria immigration services. Armstrong is willing to subject himself to a lie-detector test at the hands of the Sufferlandria Office of Public Safety. He will swear an oath to the flag of Sufferlandria. This action infringes on Armstrong’s rights as a citizen of the nation,” commented Herman.

The final words on the subject, however, went to Von Agony.

“Too bad. So Sad. His passport is revoked,” concluded the Sufferlandrian National Team Director Sportif.

Hein Verbruggen basks in the glow of appreciation as a Chinese official smiles at the UCI’s decision to disavow Japan

“We must protect our tenuous relationship with China. I have staked my entire career on my business ventures and relationships in China. In order to appease those relationships, we had no choice but to pass a UCI motion revoking the existence of Japan, until such time as China says it’s okay for them to exist again,” declared Verbruggen at a makeshift press conference in Binondo, a traditional stopping point in Manila on the way to Beijing for the UCI’s honorary president.

Pat McQuaid, also in attendance at the press conference, echoed the sentiment.

“We must protect our tenuous relationship with China. I have staked my entire career on Hein’s business ventures and relationships in China. In order to appease those relationships, we had no choice but to pass a UCI motion revoking the existence of Japan, until such time China says it’s okay for them to exist again,” stated the UCI presidential parrot.

Caught in the mess of the declaration were the thousands of Japanese companies who are involved in the sport – from marketing, manufacturing, media, public relations, sales, and consulting.

“So in the eyes of the UCI, Japan no longer exists. Does this mean we get to yank our massive sponsorship dollars from the UCI, since we are a major sponsor of the governing body itself, with our logo plastered all over their website? The fact they asked our partner, 1t4i, to stay away from the race is an embarrassment to all in the sport,” stated a currently invisible, unknown, and anonymous Shimano spokesperson.

“Good luck with us being involved next year with the World Championships,” added the same invisible, unknown, and anonymous Shimano spokesperson.

Pundits everywhere were up in arms over the action.

“Is it possible to place the heads of the UCI further up the arse of Chinese politicos? Is it? Seriously?” stated one pundit who may or may not have been Neil Browne of Roadcycling.com as he was only partially invisible due to his t-shirt bearing the Specialized logo. [Editor’s note: Specialized manufactures some of their products in Japan.]

However there was an upside to the declaration, as noted by Trek’s Gary Fisher.

“Hey the good news is we can go about racing without being on the UCI’s radar. I mean, maybe we can just go back to business as usual since the Japanese content of race sponsorship, race organization involvement,  and racing products is so high the UCI won’t be able to see any of our events next year. No more UCI is pretty much a good thing for everyone,” stated Fisher.

Garmin-_____’s CEO Jonathan Vaughters was unavailable for comment as he uses a _____ mobile phone, which under the current UCI regime has been rendered non-existent due to the emergency motion passed.