Race organizer and now RFEC president Jose Luis Lopez Cerron shown here giving instructions unrelated to beef delivery to Levi Leipheimer. (photo courtesy BBC News)

“I am pleased to be announcing the partnership with the Basque-based Kalitatea Foundation, the organization behind the “Eusko label” project highlighting food products grown and cultivated in the Basque region. This relationship will help solidify the development of Basque, Spanish, and Catalan riders of all stripes,” stated Lopez Cerron.

The promotional program would involve Basque beef, in particular.

“We are  happy to provide assistance to the Basque beef industry, which has suffered some minor inconveniences because of the clenbuterol debacle in relation to my close personal friend, Alberto Contador. We are looking forward to a Basque beef commercial series for the European market featuring our top three finishers at the Vuelta Espana,” stated Lopez Cerron.

The campaign “Bask in Basque Beef” will feature footage from farms throughout the the region with clips showing Contador, along with Alejandro Valverde and Purito Rodriguez, dining on high-quality steaks from the northern region of Spain. The campaign is produced with the cooperation of the RFEC, which is underwriting the campaign in exchange for sponsorship money promoting key races in the region.

When asked if this campaign was “payback” to the beef producers whose reputations were damaged following the Contador debacle where Lopez Cerron delivered beef that the Contador insisted was tainted with clenbuterol, Lopez Cerron was aghast at the inference.

“No way, says Jose. Never, never, never. Kalitatea came to us with the suggestion for partnership, and they also suggested the beef industry would be logical for inclusion, as professional cyclists are consumers of vast quantities of protein and so are their fans. This is in no way some sort of apology to the beef industry for what they were put through during the Contador business,” stated Lopez Perron.

Cycling pundits weren’t convinced this was strictly a coincidence.

“Look, firstly, Jose is elected to the presidency after being the meat driver for Contador. What’s next? Motoman taking over French anti-doping efforts? Now, the RFEC has announced a partnership deal with an industry they took aim at in order to defend one of their hallowed cyclists? Seems there’s some tainted beef in this particular story. Rank, tainted beef,” commented an anonymous Telegraph reporter who may have been Brendan Gallagher.

The campaign is rumored to be rolling out into the European Union in March. More details on the race sponsorship will be revealed in January, according to Spanish cycling officials.

Team Sky DS Sean Yates poses with Philou Maire, the alleged Motoman of Nice.

“We understand there were photos showing Sean Yates and one of our team vehicles in front of the bike shop owned by Philou Maire, as revealed on Facebook. Based upon this information, we are conducting an internal investigation to determine if our organisation has an exposure in this business,” stated Brailsford at a press conference outside a Limburg cheese factory.

Questions arise from the apparent relationship between Team Sky and the “Motoman of Nice.”

“Those photos have subsequently been removed, we’re not sure by whom, but we’ll continue to ensure that our team is 100% clean as defined by legal parameters contained in the WADA code, including ensuring our biological passports don’t look significantly strange,” continued Brailsford.

The Team Sky Dr. Evil doppelganger went on to echo sentiments laid out by other team managers, including, Bjarne Riis of Saxobank-Tinkoff. The marginal gains mastermind also commented on how difficult it is to operate a team in cycling without having some sort of connections to “past doping infractions.”

“Look, we’ve instituted a rule that says only one of our support staff can have dubious connections to potentially dubious characters who may or may not have supplied some sort of doping products in the past. Now we have two that I’m aware of, which is why we’re doing this investigation,” stated Brailsford.

Yates and the “Motoman of Nice” out on a casual ride together

When asked why he hired Leinders after it was revealed in the Dutch press prior to his hire that Leinders had iffy connections from the Rabobank days, Brailsford offered his appraisal of that particular situation.

“He had a great CV. Good experience in cycling. And the allegations were printed in the Dutch press. Since they weren’t written in English, they didn’t count at the time,” concluded Brailsford.

Brailsford refused to give any details on the internal investigation, or when it would take place, or if the results would be made public. Brailsford stated this was keeping within the operational guidelines of the sport as set out by the UCI.

Both Leinders and Yates refused any public comments on their respective situations. Yates refused to confirm or deny any sort of relationship with Maire, and refused to comment on any of the photos that depicted Yates and Maire on rides together and team vehicles parked in front of Maire’s shop.

One pundit who attended the press conference and wished to remain anonymous felt the statements by Brailsford were “smellier than the Limburger cheese factory where the press conference was held.”

No word on if, when, or how this apparent investigation will unfold or conclude.

Tyler Hamilton’s tell-all book, The Secret Race, identifies Maire as the shadowy individual Phillipe the ” Motoman,”  who acted as an EPO mule for Armstrong and select members of his USPS team during their 1999 bid to win the Tour de France.

“Philou has been a great friend to Lance and the boys, but I truly haven’t seen him in 18 months. He hasn’t been around our team at all this year. I’m not sure why all of these past occurrences are relevant today. We are in a new era. A clean era. And I still maintain that Lance never had a positive test,” stated soon-to-be-ex team-management consultant Johan Bruyneel.

However, when photos surfaced on Twitter today showing Fränk Schleck and Jens Voigt posing in 2012 with the mysterious figure from Hamilton’s soon-to-be-#1 New York Times Best Seller, Bruyneel had only two words that he was willing to share with this reporter before he promptly hung up the phone.

“Motoman” poses between Jens Voigt and Frank Schleck in a photo discovered on “Motoman’s” facebook profile by Martijn Hendriks (@hendriksmj)

Fan-favorite Voigt took to Twitter to render his opinion of the Hamilton confessional, and made several simplistic comments asserting that he refused to read Hamilton’s book, ostensibly in the hopes that by not reading the book, none of it could harm him, nor be rendered as true.

Why not?! ?! Because i was racing when he took drugs and cheated on lied to all of us. He lied to you, to me to the whe world.

— Jens Voigt (@thejensie) September 13, 2012

When contacted for the details of the relationship between himself and the nefarious Motoman, Voigt put his fingers in his ears, sang “Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala” and walked away.

However, Fränk Schleck was more than happy to discuss Maire.

“I was forced to work with ‘Motoman’ by Johan Bruyneel. I refused and refused and refused to use what Motoman dropped off to me at the behest of Johan. I firmly believe Motoman was the one who spiked my bottles with that unpronounceable diuretic as payback for wasting Johan’s money. I want out of this team! Let me go back to Bjarne! Where’s Andy? Where’s Kim?” cried Schleck hysterically when called for comment.

Noted cycling pundits around the world were reeling from the shock of their cash cows continuing to disappear from the cycling landscape, like cows being sucked off the range by bloodthirsty aliens. A gobsmacked Ned Boulting managed to eke out a few words:

“My world has changed. Journalists are breaking the omertá. People are picking on me and ITV on Twitter. I just don’t know what to do any more. I want the Armstrong era back. At least that period was predictable and safe for us to profit from mass-produced cycling fiction on a large scale. Now? I actually have to work for a living. It’s a stunning turn of events,” stated Boulting.

The remainder of the professional peloton are on pins and needles to see who will be the next rider fingered in MotomanGate. Rumor is swirling that several ex-Discovery Channel and Astana riders are undertaking their retirements as of press time. Cyclismas will be following the developing story closely.