An Orange bus, alone with God and Medicine.

Whilst all other teams parked their death- and near-death star buses in the town square, the Basque battlers were located between the church and the medical tent.

Team welfare director Xanadu Xeriously stressed that the decision was deliberate to fulfil two key roles in rider safety.  “All the team were able to pray in church to prevent crashes on the sign-in stage, and the actual bicycling activity of the day was coated in prayer.  We were also able to speed up the medical treatment of crashing orange people by having a 2-meter gap between the medical tent and the team bus”.

St Xhute, patron saint of the overshot corner, received the prayers and also passed some onto St Counter-Xteer, patron saint of the front wheel losing traction.

Xeriously went on to add, “We travel far north beyond the Arctic circle to boost the commercial awareness of a Basque telecommunications company, and therefore feel it is vital to call upon the protection of higher powers.  If they bugger up there is always the medical tent. And while you’re here perhaps you can tell me why none of the cycling writers ever want to talk to us? We had one rider finish for God’s sake, which is more that can be said for another team in some year or other.”

The bars will only be used by Sir Jeremy Wiggins to push aside all the air from the vicinity of his trusted team leader.

The clever attachment has been tested in Sub-Saharan Africa, as no wind tunnel is sturdy enough to handle the nano-vortex created as it scythes through the air on the front of the former Mister Wiggins’ Pinarello.

Data hastily scribbled on a napkin suggests that a rider seated behind Wiggo actually has to feather the brakes on climbs to prevent them overtaking their former leader.

“When the other Sir told me that I was only allowed to win the Giro and Liège-BastogneLiège this year, we looked earnestly at the best way I can help Chris after he had laid it all down for me last year. I feel that pushing aside most of the air in France is the least I can do. The major lifetime achievement of gigging with Sir Paul Weller was simply down to Chris not attacking me that often in 2012, and so it’s time for me to do my part and maybe get him a gig with Rihanna.”

In preparation for use of the FrancoFoil™, as it has been dubbed, the ASO will be installing handrails along the main climbs to prevent spectators from being sucked into the Team Sky mean machine.

Outgoing UCI president Pat McQuaid welcomed the device as “an innovative new development that would, in time, lead to greater understanding of the issues I faced in doing what Hein told me. This socks and saddle-angle nonsense made me sad and I sincerely hope the FrancoFoil™ can finally bring about fair wages for women professional people. Jambo mother Africa.”