Riis shows his ire with “crazy eyes” as he speaks about unfair treatment at the hands of the UCI (photo courtesy Sporten TV2)

“How can they expect us to shift gears so quickly? Two weeks ago McQuaid was calling us personally to sing the praises of Armstrong. Now, just because our team didn’t get the faxed PR strategy change the Tuesday following their presser, we’re being punished?” fumed Riis. The normally inscrutable team director was visibly shaking as he gripped the podium at a hastily-called press conference in downtown Copenhagen, where he launched into a bitter tirade against the UCI.

The cause for the Dane’s escalated ire was revealed to be rooted in the Tour de France route presentation, when Contador used the “Armstrong Positive Press Notes provided by the UCI Spin Office. His public statements in support of Armstrong, declaring the disgraced age group swimmer to be the victim of a “humiliating lynching,” caused a backlash in the media and fury from the public.

Riis maintains Contador was “just following UCI orders.” When it was revealed the UCI failed to send the team the updated UCI media strategy, which was released the day after the Geneva press conference where the Armstrong ban was ratified, Riis’ anger went nuclear. He suspects this is “a conspiracy of Spanish proportions.”

“We’re not the only team. In fact, I think this is a conspiracy to embarrass the Spanish peloton for their attempted revolution by the RFEC in 2011 on behalf of Contador. We didn’t receive the memo with the new talking points, and neither did Movistar,” continued Riis.

It seems the World Tour Team snub is part of the punishment doled out to Saxobank-Tinkoff, as the team is relegated to the cellar in sport criteria despite some high profile signings.

“Look, I didn’t want to sign Nicolas Roche but I figured signing him would offset the fact that I kept Alberto since Pat’s son represents Nico, but apparently not,” concluded Riis.

Experts were quick to point out that the changing landscape of professional cycling has swamped over the UCI’s efforts much like Hurricane Sandy burying Atlantic City under six feet of water.

Australian pundit Mike Tomalaris, fresh from chatting with a “dazed and confused” Phil Liggett, chimed in with his thoughts.

“It’s tough for team owners to figure out where they stand in reference to the UCI, considering the organization has been plunged into chaos. That McQuaid is willing to let someone else determine its fate in the form of an independent council is a confidence-shattering development for the cartel,” commented Tomalaris.

“In fact, who’s going to be the new patron in 2013? Who’s going to chug enough Aicar to choke a million lab rats and take advantage of a petrified peloton? We’ll see at Paris-Nice, for sure,” mused Tomalaris.

Former Team Tinkoff and Team CSC rider Tyler Hamilton was happy to share his views on the situation.

“You’ve got two doping dinosaurs in Tinkoff and Riis. Maybe forces at the UCI have decided to join the Great Purge started by Team Sky. I mean, Tinkoff turned a blind eye when I rode for him, and we all know what I said about Riis in my book,” commented an exuberantly-coiffed Hamilton.

Riis, who already has one lawsuit pending against the UCI, is thinking about filing four more just to be a nuisance.

We’ll know in a couple of weeks whether Riis will need charity to guarantee attendance at the Tour de France, or if he’ll keep his automatic berth.

Bruyneel and Maertens is semi-happier times.

RadioShack-Nissan representatives were tight-lipped after Bruyneel was the target of reporters’ questions last Saturday and Sunday, when he was barraged with queries about the subpoena delivered to Bruyneel as he disembarked a plane from Europe. The details and contents of the subpoena are still unknown, as neither Team Press Officer Philip Maertens nor Bruyneel would issue a comment other than Bruyneel’s typical “Who the fuck are you?” question he fires at all reporters.

Bruyneel mysteriously disappeared from the race Sunday and has been absent from all team functions since. Speculation has run rampant in the pro peloton, and RadioShack-Nissan team members are rumored to be extremely unhappy with certain circumstances surrounding the newly-recognized general manager of the organization.

Many in the bicycle community have been approached and asked if they had seen Bruyneel at all during the California race, including Jim Felt from Felt Bicycles, who was rather surprised not to have spied Bruyneel during the week.

“Usually he’s larger than life, and it’s either him or Armstrong commanding a large media scrum here,” commented Felt.

Bruyneel has been present on Twitter, issuing a tweet to Andrew McQuaid telling him to give hell to his dad about the race radio issue. However, the tweeting has been less frequent than normal, and he’s not been active at all since May 14th.

However, SBS Cycling Central commentator Mike Tomalaris pointed out this was the second time in two years Bruyneel has disappeared in May.

“Is there something in the water? Is there something in the air? Bruyneel has gone missing in action during May two years in a row. Last year, he disappeared from the Giro in the middle of the night and wasn’t seen for two weeks until he resurfaced in Dubai for breakaway league funding meetings, allegedly. Now he’s disappeared again, in May, from California. Could he be a super spy and cycling is his cover story? It would explain his demeanor and the sudden disappearances,” commented Tomalaris.

Other pundits weren’t so gracious.

“Can he just stay away and not come back? It would be a favour to us all,” declared Ned Boulting.

It remains to be seen what the real circumstances are behind the disappearances, and also the contents of the mysterious subpoena. The Amgen Tour of California continues Wednesday in Sonora and finishes in Clovis.