According to Carmichael’s lawyer, Kirsten D’Amned, the basis of the suit is Dr. Ferrari continually being the centre of attention for having been a “coach and training advisor” to disgraced former triathlete Lance Armstrong.

“Anyone who has read any book or article by Chris over the last 20 years knows that he is Lance’s coach. It’s been clearly stated numerous times in Outside Magazine, several hundred bike magazine articles, on the dust sleeve of books, and in the founding of CTS it was the only unique selling point. For this impostor to appear in court papers purporting to give training plans to Mr. Armstrong is simply outrageous. Chris has no idea who this Ferrari is, and why Lance would allegedly pay him for coaching. We contest that no motor-home parked up in the Alpes which Mr Carmichael was asked to wait outside of has ever contained a doctor.”

The attorney continued, “If anyone was doping Lance, it was Chris. Do you really think he was going to let years of experience at USA Cycling go to waste on the country’s greatest cash cow? The outrageous suggestion that Chris never coached Lance is simply ludicrous, and we see no option but to make everyone understand his version of a truth. Now that Lance is scheduled to confess about how confused he has been and weep like a child with Oprah, it becomes even more vital for Chris to be mentioned on global TV as coach to the best doper we’ve ever seen – otherwise we can’t get him in front of Jay Leno.”

After breaking off the interview to swing a kettlebell at passing joggers, Ms. D’Amned continued, “Hurtful things have been alleged about Lance’s endorsement of Chris only being for business, as he’d invested in CTS. The truth is that Chris has even been portrayed on TV, in moving color images as Lance’s coach. TV doesn’t lie, folks and Chris will be ensuring that everyone knows he was the genius behind Lance’s numerous bicycle rides and Tour de France DNFs.”

The settlement being pursued is for all of the fees paid to Dr. Ferrari by Armstrong to be handed over to Carmichael, and also for all the legal shit being thrown at Ferrari to land on Chris’s desk. It’s is understood, after initial talks with lawyers in Padua, that Ferrari is willing to pass on the shit but not the cash. As Carmichael is familiar with settling doping issues out of court is is hoped that Ferrari will do the decent thing and hand responsibility for all of Armstrong’s interval training to CTS.

A spokesman for CTS stated that “you can’t build a business empire on untruths and we will be fighting to ensure that the world knows that it was Chris who knew all about the blood bags. Not some creepy Italian multi-millionaire. The training programs revealed in court documents were simplistic and anyone who has read a Joe Friel book could have written them. Chris does proper plans for CTS clients – with computers, iPads and shit. And he would kick this so-called doctor’s ass in a group sprint.”

It is believed that a key purpose of the suit is to prevent current CTS clients from switching allegiance to Ferrari. Fears of NASCAR drivers and Supercross riders attempting to converse with Europeans led Carmichael to launch the bid to wrench full credit for Armstrong’s sporting achievements from the ‘righteous Doctor’ – as he is known in his own underwear.

Dr. Ferrari was unavailable for lunch but could do dinner for $5,000.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

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On the first day of Christmas, Lance Armstrong gave to me, a meeting with Ferrari

On the second day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, two Olsen twins

On the third day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, three urine samples

On the fourth day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, four EPO shots

On the fifth day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, FIVE THOUSAND LIES

On the sixth day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, six bags of blood

On the seventh day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, seven lost jerseys

On the eighth day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, eight bribes in cash

On the ninth day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, nine drops of oil

On the tenth day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, ten teammates scheming

On the eleventh day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, eleven yellow wristbands

On the twelfth day of Christmas Lance Armstrong gave to me, twelve sly attorneys

In an interview with Al Jazeera last week, Michele Ferrari went to a lot of trouble to assure the public that he had nothing to do with any doping accusations leveled against him. In fact, he went out of his way to indicate that he was nothing more than a convenient target.

Today Michele Ferrari not only refuted the recent and substantial evidence against him, he also claimed that he didn’t even exist. Despite the pages of eyewitness testimony, as well as evidence of payments in excess of a million dollars from the now-disgraced Lance Armstrong, Ferrari still denies ever having doped – or having assisted in doping – any riders. He went on to add “But not only that, there actually is no Michele Ferrari, he’s merely a figment of your fevered imaginations, a rumour, if you will.”

Speaking in an interview with Al Jazeera’s Lee Wellings, the Italian once again repudiated the allegations against himself, Armstrong, and the matter of his very own  being. “I mean, have you ever seen him before? I know I certainly haven’t and I supposedly am him,” whereupon Michele half lifted himself from his chair and looked about, as if searching for someone before sitting down again and shrugging to the host, “I can’t see him, can you?”

“I’ve never seen any doping practice from Lance Armstrong,” he said. “I can say I’ve never seen, I never heard something about that. He never asked me for information about doping, why would he ask someone pretend? Someone that’s not even real? Does Lance Armstrong exist? This whole story seems pretty shaky to me.”

“I know some people claimed that there is a guy called Michele Ferrari who goes around doping people but it’s a myth, just like the Boogey man or Santa Claus, it’s pure fantasy. We’ve all heard the stories about how you say his name three times in front of a mirror, then pay him a tenth of your salary so that later that season you fly up the mountains like a jet-propelled gazelle, but it’s an urban legend.”

“It’s all a bunch of scaremongering, I mean to say that someone would come along and inject you with magic substances that make you super strong and fast at riding a bicycle? People think THAT is a real thing? It’s preposterous, I have never even heard of this ‘E’ … ‘P’ … ‘O’ that you speak of, it’s unsubstantiated nonsense.”

“When I was growing up we were all told about how you shouldn’t take drugs and if someone asks you, you should ‘just say no’, but aren’t we all past that now? To talk about people doing such preposterous things is laughable, particularly the idea that they would do this to ride faster on a bicycle! I don’t even know what a bicycle is, I’ve never seen or heard of such a contraption in my entire life!”

“Are you saying that they ride these things in a ‘tour’ around the whole of some ‘country’ called ‘France’? Poppycock of the highest order I tell you! Balderdash! It’s smoke, mirrors and superstition the lot of it.”

“The more I think about it the more I’m certain that this is all just a stupid waste of my time. Is this even a real studio that I’m in?”

Then Michele laughed hysterically, got up and said, “I’m going to leave your Stuuudioo now” whilst holding his arms up and making air quote signs for the word ‘studio’. He then walked off whilst laughing maniacally and then muttered “Bicycle… ha!… it’s not even a thing… ‘France’? PAH!” and shaking his head.

Michele will be releasing a book entitled “The Dope Delusion” later this year.

Bruyneel gives a thumbs up to anyone who will pay attention to him.

Witnesses reported seeing Bruyneel on his mobile as he walked into the Indian eatery, Veeraswamy in Victory House, in his home city of London, where he was overheard discussing “that asshole Ferrari” within earshot of waiting patrons.

“It was rather strange. His eyes were bugging out, and he walked into the restaurant alone. It seemed like he was talking to other people besides who he was speaking to on the phone, but there wasn’t anyone else with him,” commented one diner who observed the events as they unfolded at the well-known Regent street restaurant.

Bruyneel then harassed the staff and asked why his table for fifteen wasn’t yet ready for him. When queried on when the rest of his party was going to be joining him, Bruyneel blurted “They’re all here, you twat! Get my table ready! Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you recognize Lance Armstrong when you see him?”

“The whole thing was disturbing. His eyes were bloodshot, his speech was rather slurred, and we were concerned for the well-being of our other patrons,” commented a Veeraswamy representative who wished to remain anonymous.

Bruyneel then paraded around the restaurant, madly typing with his thumbs, announcing to the diners that he would be “fixing Vaughters’ wagon. That liar! That asshole! I’ve got all the dirt on him! The press reports will be out in a few hours. Cycling belongs to me!”

Cyclismas Twitter experts confirmed that Bruyneel did, in fact, transmit two strange tweets referencing Jonathan Vaughters. The Garmin boss took to the social media platform to rebut the Bruyneel attack and confirm to his followers that yes, he was a normal human being who had doped and lied about it, but apologized and took personal responsibility for both.

Upon being summoned by restaurant management, police took an extraordinarily long time to make their way to the eatery, as half of the British police force was on Bradley Wiggins guard duty in northwestern England following the cycling superstar’s recent run-in with a rabid vehicle operator.

“Our slow response time to the Bruyneel situation was due to the fact that much of our police force was guarding the entire Lancashire region. However, we all know Bruyneel is merely a man of words and not really one of action, so no one was in any immediate danger of any kind, other than having to sit through an unexpected dinner theatre performance,” stated a police spokesperson.

As police made their way through the restaurant, Bruyneel dropped to a fetal position underneath a table near the window wall, clutching his phone tightly and muttering, “I have over 100,000 followers on Twitter! I’m still important! Lance! Shield me from the police!”

While law enforcement dragged Bruyneel out of the restaurant, the former winningest Tour de France manager was seen hissing at restaurant patrons, telling them to shut up their legs, and that the truth would come out, finishing with a “I am the rightful king of cycling” flourish as he was escorted out.

Police confirm Bruyneel spent several hours in the drunk tank in the aforementioned fetal position, passed out. The Belgian was released under his own recognizance merely hours ago. There is no word yet from police if there will be any criminal charges filed for the outburst. Bruyneel did not return our phone calls for comment, and Twitter-blocked the entire Cyclismas editorial team moments after our message was left.

The newest member of the AMPU in Lausanne, Francesco Conconi

“We have examined what is required for us to catch those who continually flout the system, and in conjunction with the Athlete Passport Management Unit in Lausanne, we have determined a better course of action to ensure the safety of sporting criteria in cycling,” commented an unnamed representative from the AMPU.

The new panel will consist of Michele Ferrari, Francesco Conconi, Eufemiano Fuentes, and Luis Garcia del Moral.

“All four have extensive practical knowledge to aid in our ability to interpret the data and determine if sporting values are being manipulated. In fact, most have presided over medical and sporting value panels in the past,” continued the AMPU representative.

When asked if the appointment of these four individuals had anything to do with his resignation, Ashenden was blunt in his retort.

“I’m not really concerned about the fact that these four are now ‘the panel,’ I’m more concerned that the Lausanne crowd responsible for allegedly conspiring to hide Armstrong’s doping positive are the foxes in the hen house.  I mean, c’mon, can we make the game just a little more obvious please. Please?  The level of cloak and dagger skullduggery by this omertà is positively staggering. I’m going back to kayaking,” concluded Ashenden.

When reached for comment, UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani offered additional information.

“We are no longer directly involved with the biological passport programme. That task is now farmed out to the Athlete Passport Management Unit in Lausanne, which is at present a separate private profit center created with UCI monies from the now defunct ProTour fund. With this new business entity, our plans are to revolutionize the bio passport programme business in the same manner that we have revolutionized race organization with Global Cycling Promotion,” commented Carpani.

UCI president Pat McQuaid was unable to be reached to contribute to this story, as he was circulating in the elite track cycling circles of Australia. He was last seen in the company of Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard at an exclusive Livestrong fundraiser.

Ferrari, Conconi, Fuentes, and del Moral plan on holding a WorldTour orientation session in September to acquaint the pro peloton with the “new rules” for 2013.